To think it's such a shame that family bonds are being destroyed and going NC is becoming more and more common?

[PinotViogner]

Just that really. I might just be an old fart desperately yearning for the old days but I was raised to believe in the importance of having family around you and I find it horribly sad that so many people I know have family that haven't spoken to them for years.

Obviously in cases where some bad behavior has gone on it's understandable but surely there's nothing that can't be worked on? Going NC is so extreme and I think should be a last case resort if done at all.

I think we’ve managed to get slightly the wrong end of the stick on both side @adultchildofalcoholicparents! thanks for your response. I do agree with you and think that NC is often the best option, my point was more that it’s a difficult option that really hurts and is often quite logistically difficult.

Dunno. If you knew the ridiculous reason we were cut off then maybe you could explain it to me. Clearly they didn't want any of us to do the 'work'

OP, putting aside all the individual rights and wrongs of different cases, the basic ability to walk away does much to stop people killing each other.

If we all lived by your weird nostalgic ideas, the domestic murder rate would be far higher - and it is already far too high.

I completely agree.

I remember one particularly batshit post where a mother was advised to "go NC" with grandparents because the grandchild had had a fall (I think) so they took them to be checked out by a doctor. Posters were frothing at the mouth that the grandparents had taken child in without the "consent" of the mother.

Jeez, if one of my clumsy kids took a tumble and my inlaws sought medical advice I'd be grateful beyond words!

My mother was a narcissist with a forked tongue and my father tried to rape me. But yeah me going NC is the saddest part of that.

I think it's unreasonable to put such importance on the idea of 'blood family' in almost 2024.

However I agree that mumsnet is a hotbed of encouraging NC over the most ridiculous things. And the posts on this thread that seem to be suggesting that going NC is always justified? Probably in the majority of cases but you're being wilfully obtuse to believe that in every single one of these cases it's deserved.

I've worked in care homes most of my adult life and the amount of adult DC who simply just can't be arsed with their elderly parents anymore and ghost them completely is horrible. Going NC isn't always a 'hard and devastating decision not taken lightly' but sometimes is just what's most convenient for people.

Those transgressions are rarely on a clean slate though. That's the problem. In the vast majority of cases they're the cherry on a shit cake full of abuse and neglect.

I'm not NC with my mother. I wish I was,but I can't. Each of the arguments we have now are petty and ridiculous on their own. They could very well be the last one if I had it in me. But that stupid comment/argument is on top of emotional abuse, beatings (I still have an unhealed fracture on my toes -yes plural- from her slamming the door on my foot in an attempt to kick me out at 11) , knowingly sending me to a child abuser because she thought I was too fat for him to be interested and many other things.

Don't think poster is being judgemental at all for all those jumping onto abuse. I'm not old and come from a huge family and friends and love it, supporting,helping and being there each other thru good and bad like it used to be. Now regarding abuse yes been there and totally different subject you can stand up and walk out easier now and not stand for it. Also cutting off some who have either done something dreadful or are completely detrimental to keeping peace and harmony then that's fine also. Gotta couple of those aswell but it doesn't stop the good bunch enjoying togetherness

Do you know the full background of all these relationships or is it simply how it looks ?

"where finally relented"

What language to use!! Relented... Gave in... Listened to her betters older and wiser..

I'm absolutely sick of seeing posts by pregnant woman about to give birth in absolute turmoil about a mil "helpfully" coming to visit knowing that mil whose never ever been helpful will sit around being waited on, holding a baby, demanding it should be bottle fed whilst a new mum hobbles around trying to please her...

I don’t think there’s any evidence it’s more common now. Lots of my friends have grandparents or uncles etc. who their parents aren’t in contact with. Where do you think the “long lost cousins” of stories past come from? The stories of people dying on their own in squalor and then the children turn up? It’s always gone on. Some people do not get on and there is little to be gained from staying in touch.

I think the opposite! Why’s it sad?
why should someone have to put up with bad behaviour abuse and bullying by any one! Regardless of if they are blood related or not! Family or not if someone abuses you or has no respect for you and treats people badly then why should family be any different they deserve to be cut off!

I think people are better at putting boundaries in place and not putting up with them being trampled over - more NC I say!

I think if you've never been abused it's beyound most people's comprehension.

I was kicked and punched at full force repeatedly in a rage. Lots of people have minimised that down to nothing.

But I wonder if I kicked and punched my 6 year old until I stopped because my arms hurt, would it be OK?

You see, it's not OK to kick my dd in the head. Everyone knows that. But go back 40 years and it would have been OK, normal, routine part of childhood. Or would it?

Sometimes, to stop the cycle of abuse, you need to step out of that cycle. Wouldn't you agree?

Kicking and punching a child was at one point completely normal to me. Something that every parent did. I let my mum around my kids, let her hit them, let them her verbally abuse them as it was normal. We was the scum. Is that OK?

Not brave enough to go NC. Reinforced by mil I must have deserved it. Reinforced that couldn't have been that bad. Even dh didn't seem that shocked. He was also happy to have his kids around my mum.

Because, people pleasers

If I remember rightly the grandparents took the child to the hospital, didn't tell the parents and then just casually told them when they picked the child up later

Now I wouldn't necessarily say that's an immediate NC type event. But nevertheless there is a massive disregard for the parents in that situation who have a right to know their child is in hospital. Yes by all means take the child first, but then as soon as you are waiting in the waiting room then calm the parents because besides anything else the parents should be making the medical decisions.

And if the grandparents are that casual about cutting the parents out of important issues and disregarding them as parents then there are probably plenty of other boundaries being crossed. Which is where you get to a NC situation with the constant erosion of boundaries and undermining of your position as the adult and the parent in that situation.

My nephew lives with me. But even so if he went to hospital literally the first thing I would do is pick up the phone to his parents because they have the right to know and because its the right thing to do.

Would you actually be happy if you had a young child who was upset about falling over and going to hospital and you didn't get to look after them and reassure them because no one told you thry were there?

Being abused can absolutely make you conflict avoidance. Growing up in a toxic environment can absolutely make you conflict avoidant. Being hit, or screamed at or neglected every time you do something "wrong" can absolutely make you conflict avoidant

Once again you choose to blame the victim rather than the offender.

I feel that you should consider yourself lucky you’ve not gone through anything to warrant such a thing.

I've worked in care homes most of my adult life and the amount of adult DC who simply just can't be arsed with their elderly parents anymore and ghost them completely is horrible. Going NC isn't always a 'hard and devastating decision not taken lightly' but sometimes is just what's most convenient for people

So they tell you that, do they? “Oh I’ve decided I won’t be visiting Edna anymore but it’s not because of her, she was a fab mother. I just cba and it’s more convenient for me to not have a mum anymore.”

I don’t know anyone who has done it on a whim. Most I know are like me and have spent a decade desperately trying to have a relationship with family that doesn’t cause harm. A decade of therapy and a frank therapist who made me realise that my boundaries with my family do not keep me safe and the only answer left is nc. I am devastated. Absolutely heartbroken. Grieving people who are still alive that you so desperately want to have a relationship is horrific. It’s worse than the 7 years of child sexual exploitation. It’s the hardest thing ever.

I don’t know anyone that does it lightly and without cause.

It's highly unlikely that the person went NC without offering up some explanation as to why (not just talking about the time immediately before going NC but probably repeatedly over years).

It's likely that the reconciliation will only occur if the family member is sufficiently self aware to reflect on their own behaviour, understand what the issues are, and change their behaviour. However if they were self aware the NC would probably not have happened in the first place. So it's catch 22. It requires the family member to do more than "just apologise for everything they can think of". Therapy would be a good start.

I don't think it is a new thing to have little or no contact. My grandparents didn't talk much to many of their siblings. They just didn't make a song and dance out of it as some people seem to nowadays.

To be clear, I wasn't talking about abuse.

I'm talking about low-threshold events that could be resolved with the appropriate skills. The sort of threads you see here where you think damn, if you stuck both parties in a room with a mediator this could all be sorted out.

But most of the time, these events are NC worthy apparently.

I've had difficult family and friendships, but I've never gone NC with anyone. Because people know I don't take shit anymore. So they just don't try. At the absolute worst we're 'civil' because I don't feed into drama. But there's no abuse there, just people who take advantage, CFs, domineering personalities, difficult personalities etc, and I manage those personalities effectively. That's all I meant.

Why are you so convinced that all NC cases are about abuse? Do you really think that no one has every gone NC before for a petulant and silly reason? Every single person who has ever been ghosted or abandoned had it coming?

As I clarified on another post, I do not think it's wrong to cut out abusive family. But there's a world of difference between going NC because of years of violence, sexual abuse, drug addiction etc and going NC because your mil made a couple of parenting suggestions in good faith that you didn't agree with.

@wannabetraveler

what often seem to be relatively benign transgressions.

Just exactly what gives you you the right to make that judgement?

1 in 5 children are abused, 90% by their parents. Why are you so convinced it's not abuse?

If we ever go NC with my in laws they would probably spin a line about how they offered a few suggestions to their Dil and now their own son doesn't speak to them any more. They will totally ignore the fact that my Fil is an abusive prick that the entire family walks on egg shells around and who used to pin his sons up against the walls by their throats when they annoyed him

But sure, it will just be a "few helpful comments"