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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's such a shame that family bonds are being destroyed and going NC is becoming more and more common?

340 replies

PinotViogner · 19/12/2023 15:21

Just that really. I might just be an old fart desperately yearning for the old days but I was raised to believe in the importance of having family around you and I find it horribly sad that so many people I know have family that haven't spoken to them for years.

Obviously in cases where some bad behavior has gone on it's understandable but surely there's nothing that can't be worked on? Going NC is so extreme and I think should be a last case resort if done at all.

OP posts:
Pinkpinkplonk · 19/12/2023 19:48

@PinotViogner my mil said the reason I exclusively breast fed my children was to stop her being a good grandmother!!

Neitheronethingnortheother · 19/12/2023 19:49

Sparklfairy · 19/12/2023 19:41

To be clear, I wasn't talking about abuse.

I'm talking about low-threshold events that could be resolved with the appropriate skills. The sort of threads you see here where you think damn, if you stuck both parties in a room with a mediator this could all be sorted out.

But most of the time, these events are NC worthy apparently.

I've had difficult family and friendships, but I've never gone NC with anyone. Because people know I don't take shit anymore. So they just don't try. At the absolute worst we're 'civil' because I don't feed into drama. But there's no abuse there, just people who take advantage, CFs, domineering personalities, difficult personalities etc, and I manage those personalities effectively. That's all I meant.

Show quote history

Why should thy go into a room with a mediator though?

Deciding you don't want someone in your life because you don't like them or don't get along with them or they stress you out doesn't mean they have failed to have such superior people management skills as you.

Maybe their version of not taking any shit is walking away. If your relationship needs a mediator it's hardly a healthy one to begin with!

PhulNana · 19/12/2023 19:51

Sparklfairy · 19/12/2023 19:41

To be clear, I wasn't talking about abuse.

I'm talking about low-threshold events that could be resolved with the appropriate skills. The sort of threads you see here where you think damn, if you stuck both parties in a room with a mediator this could all be sorted out.

But most of the time, these events are NC worthy apparently.

I've had difficult family and friendships, but I've never gone NC with anyone. Because people know I don't take shit anymore. So they just don't try. At the absolute worst we're 'civil' because I don't feed into drama. But there's no abuse there, just people who take advantage, CFs, domineering personalities, difficult personalities etc, and I manage those personalities effectively. That's all I meant.

Show quote history

@Sparklfairy

if you stuck both parties in a room with a mediator

It's bad to want to control other peoples' lives. If one has had enough, they have the right to cut off the other. If you tried to 'stick me in a room' with a certain relative, you'd likely get a bloody nose (out of panic on my part, not aggression) and you'd be added to the list for NC.

Sparklfairy · 19/12/2023 19:54

PhulNana · 19/12/2023 19:51

@Sparklfairy

if you stuck both parties in a room with a mediator

It's bad to want to control other peoples' lives. If one has had enough, they have the right to cut off the other. If you tried to 'stick me in a room' with a certain relative, you'd likely get a bloody nose (out of panic on my part, not aggression) and you'd be added to the list for NC.

Show quote history

Well I wasn't talking about you, was I. Not sure why so many posters here are taking their own very specific situations and applying it to what I and similar posters have said.

If you personally (as in anyone) have made the choice to go NC, then own it. Don't get defensive or pull apart my very valid but irrelevant to your personal situation point.

PaperDoIIs · 19/12/2023 19:54

@PinotViogner I gave you some concrete scenarios and asked how would you deal with them. None of them involved actual abuse. Still waiting to see what you would do. And no, in a room with a mediator is not an option.

Marblessolveeverything · 19/12/2023 19:54

I'm NC with my father and his second family. He continually emotionally and financially abused our family.

The idea that a person has to experience physical abuse tells a lot about your understanding of human beings.

And your friend didn't just offer advice I'd put money on it she was told several times to keep her nose out, but nope she knew better.

Whattheheckcarer · 19/12/2023 19:56

You have a lot of judgement and little imagination OP - do you not read some of the terrible stories on here?

PaperDoIIs · 19/12/2023 19:56

@Sparklfairy same scenarios for you too. How would YOU deal with them?

Your MIL steals all your wedding gift money and takes your SIL shopping and blows the lot.

Your cousin's husband makes up lies and accusations about you that could not only lose you your job,but get you court martialed.

A family member hires a PI to find your child's biological parents against your wishes,purely for gossip.

A family member says you let your husband die/killed him.

Family member saying she would never accept your (adopted) child as part of the family and you're stupid for taking on another one's shit.

None of these are actually abusive or what you consider "that bad". Never mind years of abuse (emotional,physical, sexual,financial) or neglect.

Sparklfairy · 19/12/2023 19:59

PaperDoIIs · 19/12/2023 19:56

@Sparklfairy same scenarios for you too. How would YOU deal with them?

Your MIL steals all your wedding gift money and takes your SIL shopping and blows the lot.

Your cousin's husband makes up lies and accusations about you that could not only lose you your job,but get you court martialed.

A family member hires a PI to find your child's biological parents against your wishes,purely for gossip.

A family member says you let your husband die/killed him.

Family member saying she would never accept your (adopted) child as part of the family and you're stupid for taking on another one's shit.

None of these are actually abusive or what you consider "that bad". Never mind years of abuse (emotional,physical, sexual,financial) or neglect.

None of these are actually abusive or what you consider "that bad".

On what planet are they not that bad?? They're appalling and absolutely NC worthy WTF Confused

daisychain01 · 19/12/2023 20:01

No way am I prepared to tolerate the shit inflicted on me by family members just because they're faaaaaaaamily.

Socksforxmas · 19/12/2023 20:06

OP literally (in admittedly not the best wording) just wanted to make the case that sometimes people have very weak reasons to stop speaking to family members and everyone has jumped on here to suggest that she's invalidating their own, very personal, stories of leaving abuse behind. This is the most mumsnet I've seen mumsnet get in a while 😂

Not a single person on this thread has suggested that it's wrong to leave behind abusers and the dramatic, overly defensive responses are a bit more telling of you lot.

PaperDoIIs · 19/12/2023 20:08

@Sparklfairy what happened to boundaries and conflict resolution?

Sparklfairy · 19/12/2023 20:10

PaperDoIIs · 19/12/2023 20:08

@Sparklfairy what happened to boundaries and conflict resolution?

All you're doing is showing up your own inability to communicate effectively. Absolute nonsense examples that no sane person would expect to come back from Hmm

NeedAnUpgrade · 19/12/2023 20:12

OP your friend’s situation makes no sense. Are you saying that her son willingly cut his loving mother out of his life because she asked to see his newborn in hospital and tried to kindly suggest bottle feeding to her DIL? That’s utter rubbish and there’s way more to the story that you are unwilling or unable to share. No one just cuts off a parent like that if their relationship was good with them.

There are many reasons why people are not in contact with family members and it’s such a taboo to talk about in real life. It’s far more complex than a parent saying something you don’t like so you refuse to have anything else to do with them.

Peppermintginger · 19/12/2023 20:13

It's not dramatic or defensive to highlight "minor transgressions" likely aren't that minor, and are accumulating or the final event, and provide examples why.

Many people on the surface fit OPs description of "minor" with a significant background that the "victim" of the NC always chooses to not acknowledge or share or want acceptance.and tolerance for.

Original poster
PinotViogner · 19/12/2023 20:14

PaperDoIIs · 19/12/2023 20:08

@Sparklfairy what happened to boundaries and conflict resolution?

I think she (and other posters) have already made it quite clear that we don't think cases of extreme abuse can be solved with boundaries and conflict resolution. Can you show me where anyone has suggested that on this thread?

This thread was never about people going NC because of abuse. If you want to remain convinced that only abuse victims have ever gone NC with family then that's fine, you do that. Doesn't make it true though.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 19/12/2023 20:15

Socksforxmas · 19/12/2023 20:06

OP literally (in admittedly not the best wording) just wanted to make the case that sometimes people have very weak reasons to stop speaking to family members and everyone has jumped on here to suggest that she's invalidating their own, very personal, stories of leaving abuse behind. This is the most mumsnet I've seen mumsnet get in a while 😂

Not a single person on this thread has suggested that it's wrong to leave behind abusers and the dramatic, overly defensive responses are a bit more telling of you lot.

It was perhaps a rather insensitive thread to start less than a week before Christmas.

PaperDoIIs · 19/12/2023 20:18

Nah mate, both you and OP insisted anything that wasn't abuse could be resolved if only....insert buzz word/alphabet soup here

There are a million situations where it doesn't work. There are a million more where it's pointless. You both refuse to accept that and go all high and mighty, trying to make people that do go NC somehow lacking.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/12/2023 20:18

What I find interesting is that I’ve never met anyone who, when talking about their reasons, has gone NC with a relative for no real reason, or nonsense reasons, or for things that made me think “really? That’s it?”

Yet every single person who has ever had a relative go NC with them had apparently done nothing wrong, said the wrong thing once or made a couple of helpful suggestions.

Sparklfairy · 19/12/2023 20:22

PaperDoIIs · 19/12/2023 20:18

Nah mate, both you and OP insisted anything that wasn't abuse could be resolved if only....insert buzz word/alphabet soup here

There are a million situations where it doesn't work. There are a million more where it's pointless. You both refuse to accept that and go all high and mighty, trying to make people that do go NC somehow lacking.

Absolute bollocks. Show me exactly where I said 'anything that isn't abuse can be resolved'

You are exactly the kind of character I would go NC with, because you can't be reasoned with. You make up your mind about something and then twist my words to suit YOUR narrative. And you're not conflict avoidant, you're actively combative.

Twatalert · 19/12/2023 20:25

OP, keep your nose out of things you don't understand.

You don't have any idea what someone has gone through to go NC and how HARD it is to do. It involves a lot of trauma and grieving by the person going NC, usually to be free from abuse. EVERY ONE of them wish they had a loving family growing up and wish they had felt loved and accepted. It is so hard and lonely but the only way out from what they have endured. Keep your nose out. You are not entitled to an opinion on things that don't affect you.

Twatalert · 19/12/2023 20:33

I don't know if you are trolling or not. In any case, you or anyone do not get to decide what constitutes serious abuse for someone. I saw your example on your friend who just 'gave a little bit of advice'. I guess this is what your friend told you and abusers can rarely be believed. You do not know what went on and how long for. I repeat: you do not know.

Abuse does not have to be physical. Emotional abuse is much harder to overcome if not harder and is very hard to understand from the outside. I repeat: you do not know or understand. Your replies show this. Emotional abuse needs years of therapy to undo. Some wounds never heal. You don't know what you are talking about.

wannabetraveler · 19/12/2023 20:38

PhulNana · 19/12/2023 19:47

@wannabetraveler

what often seem to be relatively benign transgressions.

Just exactly what gives you you the right to make that judgement?

The fact that the poster asked for advice and detailed such a benign transgression

DeeCeeCherry · 19/12/2023 20:38

This post and some thread comments are about gaslighting people who've gone through family trauma. Perpetrators and enablers getting their rocks off via victim blaming. I've asked for my earlier comment to be removed as I hadn't realised tone of thread before commenting. OP and her ilk don't deserve anyone's stories I bet they're 🤐 in real life as they know they're off-key and so do others.

Ladybirder · 19/12/2023 20:41

You are completely ignoring the pain and suffering that family members can cause. And also in some cases serious abuse. It’s not an easy decision to go NC with family and there will be several years of upset thereafter when you miss having family/ people to care/ are lonely etc. Father’s Day/ Mother’s Day/ birthdays/ Christmas are all triggering. Plus for some the decision to go NC wasn’t even theirs. I think you need to do some reading on this subject or speak to those who have gone through this to widen your horizons and have a bit more empathy.