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Original poster

To get annoyed that it's another year and I'm addressed as Mr & Mrs Chatnoir by MIL

215 replies

chatenoire · 19/12/2023 14:23

I haven't even changed my name! I'm still Ms + Maiden name. I'd be more OK with Mr & Mrs his surname, but first name + surname just sounds so anachronistic to me.

I've actually made a point by every single time signing our cards the way it should be, but clearly to her it doesn't matter.

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 20/12/2023 10:20

clary · 19/12/2023 23:41

Phew thanks to all the posters who are backing up the OP. @JassyRadlett I love your madwoman in the attic. @Brefugee I totally agree about the Mrs Hisname Lastname. Who is that person please??

I once got a letter from school addressed to me calling me Mrs hisname Ourlastname. I rang them up (it was the PE dept) and asked them not to do that again, and to address letters to me to Mrs myname Ourlastname. Or just Mrs Ourlastname. Or even (gasp) Myname Ourlastname. Fgs. Tbf they did take notice.

Yes this is also a hill I will die on. NO it is not about a piece of cardboard that you will throw away. It is about my identity. I got married, I didn't stop existing. Mrs Hisname Lastname is not a person and if my birthday card says that it's going in the bin.

Language is so very very insidious. It's so important that we no longer (I hope) say chairman or fireman or policeman as women can be these things too.

I get very angry when I see (which I very occasionally do in my work) "he/she" or "he or she" I THINK YOU MEAN THEY.

I also get pissed off when a survey asks for my gender and offers male before female. Why? It's not alphabetical. It's not because there are more men. Oh so it is just because you think men are more important? Hmmmmm?? I always query it in any survey I take.

The automatic ordering of the man's name first does my head in.

When I book Eurotunnel tickets which I reserve in my own name and pay for with my own credit card the passengers are always listed as follows:

My husband
Our two year old son
Me
Our baby daughter

Yes, that's right, the person who actually paid for the tickets is relegated to behind an actual toddler just because she has a uterus and the toddler has a penis.

pinkyredrose · 20/12/2023 13:09

fingerguns · 19/12/2023 22:21

I'm in my mid-thirties and like it when I get a card addressed to Mr & Mrs DHFirstName OurLastName.

I guess I'm the only one who likes traditional and formal writing!

Why do you like it?

fingerguns · 20/12/2023 13:22

pinkyredrose · 20/12/2023 13:09

Why do you like it?

Show quote history

I like the formality of it, and that it links us as a family. Yes, it could just be addressed to Mr & Mrs OurLastName and that's fine, too, but if I had the choice I'd prefer the former.

I don't find it particularly misogynistic as so many do on this thread, but each to their own. I won't write anyone a letter anymore like that because so many people my age don't like it. Not worth annoying people with something I like but others hate.

crumblingschools · 20/12/2023 14:26

How many people address an envelope to a couple with Mr first, regardless of whether the wife took his surname or not?

GodDammitCecil · 20/12/2023 17:11

fingerguns · 20/12/2023 13:22

I like the formality of it, and that it links us as a family. Yes, it could just be addressed to Mr & Mrs OurLastName and that's fine, too, but if I had the choice I'd prefer the former.

I don't find it particularly misogynistic as so many do on this thread, but each to their own. I won't write anyone a letter anymore like that because so many people my age don't like it. Not worth annoying people with something I like but others hate.

Show quote history

How can you not find it misogynistic? It objectively is.

It’s fine if you like it. Each to their own. But the complete and utter removal of the woman, replaced by the man?

How is that not misogynistic?

JassyRadlett · 20/12/2023 20:09

SingaporeSlinky · 20/12/2023 10:05

So Mr Smith marries Miss Jones. Their daughter is Miss Smith-Jones.
Mr Apple marries Miss Orange. Their son is Mr Apple-Orange.

Those children grow up and marry. Their child becomes Miss Smith-Jones-Apple-Orange? Where does it end? If you’re saying everyone should get to keep their own name, rather than bowing down to outdated traditions and rules. Someone has to compromise, surely. Whichever way you do it, someone’s name will get ‘lost’

Oh, this old canard. I'm surprised it took this long to come up! People always seem to think it's a weird gotcha.

They do whatever they like. Hopefully with both sides compromising and no overbearing parents getting involved or expressing preference/hurt/outrage/disapproval. Maybe they'll follow the Spanish model.

There are other choices besides "women give up their names and change to a man's name by default" and "everyone keeps and passes on their names forever." You only have to look around to see them.

Cosyblankets · 20/12/2023 20:19

You rarely see her and the envelope goes in the bin.
I can't imagine she writes Mr and Mrs in the card itself

GodDammitCecil · 20/12/2023 21:36

SingaporeSlinky · 20/12/2023 10:05

So Mr Smith marries Miss Jones. Their daughter is Miss Smith-Jones.
Mr Apple marries Miss Orange. Their son is Mr Apple-Orange.

Those children grow up and marry. Their child becomes Miss Smith-Jones-Apple-Orange? Where does it end? If you’re saying everyone should get to keep their own name, rather than bowing down to outdated traditions and rules. Someone has to compromise, surely. Whichever way you do it, someone’s name will get ‘lost’

This is a real problem, isn’t it?

People grappling with this issue left, right and centre.

It’s almost as if it’s actually an easy one to sort out….

TrashedSofa · 20/12/2023 22:09

Oh, this old canard. I'm surprised it took this long to come up! People always seem to think it's a weird gotcha.

Mmm, it gets trotted out constantly on here and none of them ever realise what a self own it is.

Bouledeneige · 21/12/2023 10:13

To be fair I'm a Ms Maiden name and my MIL always sent cards to us as Mr and Mrs DH's surname. I didn't mind though as I was very fond of her and she was quite a character.

StiggyZardust · 21/12/2023 10:24

My MIL does this, I did not change my name when I married her son.
She has always insisted that our child calls her Nanna, but they have always called her Nanny. I make sure I buy Nanny birthday cards. Tiny victories.

OneMoreTime23 · 21/12/2023 10:31

Bouledeneige · 21/12/2023 10:13

To be fair I'm a Ms Maiden name and my MIL always sent cards to us as Mr and Mrs DH's surname. I didn't mind though as I was very fond of her and she was quite a character.

This is bizarre to me. Why on earth wouldn’t you gently correct someone calling you the wrong name?

Original poster
chatenoire · 21/12/2023 10:38

StiggyZardust · 21/12/2023 10:24

My MIL does this, I did not change my name when I married her son.
She has always insisted that our child calls her Nanna, but they have always called her Nanny. I make sure I buy Nanny birthday cards. Tiny victories.

I bought her present off Amazon and sent it from the actual correct names... And yes tiny victories

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 21/12/2023 10:42

Because OneMoreTime23 on the big things she was 100 percent there for me. She looked after the kids, took them for long weekends or half term so we could have quality time as a couple away, she made my beautiful jewellery and bought me thoughtful gifts. My Mum (who I adored) never ever looked after my DC as she said she was too old (though she was younger than MIL). MIL was a bit of a handful too but said sorry if she thought she got things wrong and stepped on my toes. I loved her and she loved me.

Later she found out her DH had had an affair for 20 years. She had a major stroke soon after and stayed together with him. Soon after that I discovered her beloved golden boy son had had 2 affairs and I divorced him. She was so sad. That was 16 years ago and we still keep in touch and tell each other we love each other.

Sometimes love is more important than titles once a year on a Christmas card.

LorlieS · 21/12/2023 11:07

It's about far more here than "just a title."

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