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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed that it's another year and I'm addressed as Mr & Mrs Chatnoir by MIL

215 replies

chatenoire · 19/12/2023 14:23

I haven't even changed my name! I'm still Ms + Maiden name. I'd be more OK with Mr & Mrs his surname, but first name + surname just sounds so anachronistic to me.

I've actually made a point by every single time signing our cards the way it should be, but clearly to her it doesn't matter.

OP posts:
LorlieS · 19/12/2023 21:12

@Soontobe60 In what way is marriage misogynistic?

JassyRadlett · 19/12/2023 21:13

Maelil01 · 19/12/2023 21:01

I’ve a busy life and to make it all work I’ve become very practical and pragmatic. I pick my battles and for me fretting about a name doesn’t make the list.

”Fussing” is not means worrying about something unnecessarily, why is that denigrating.

Show quote history

Fretting and fussing! Oh well played, I'm firmly put in my place 😂😂😂😂

Tandora · 19/12/2023 21:16

LorlieS · 19/12/2023 21:12

@Soontobe60 In what way is marriage misogynistic?

Well it was an institution originally created to facilitate the exchange of women as property, it also used to be (and still is in many parts of the world) legal to rape one’s wife.

LorlieS · 19/12/2023 21:16

For those of you who didn't take on husband's last name...
Did you also challenge any other traditions regarding your actual wedding? Find it interesting 😀
I did personally.
Didn't have my dad walking me down the aisle, didn't throw a bouquet etc...

LorlieS · 19/12/2023 21:18

@Tandora I agree, but I didn't apply those principals to my marriage personally. I am, for example, the main earner.

BIossomtoes · 19/12/2023 21:22

FloofCloud · 19/12/2023 18:28

She's just following her own archaic rules - maybe send her a card
Mr bloggs and ms maiden name
If she says anything just pull her up too

It may be archaic but it’s not “her” rules. It’s formally correct. I’ve been married for 23 years and my best friend still addresses cards to Mr and Mrs Hisname. I just ignore it now.

BIossomtoes · 19/12/2023 21:23

LorlieS · 19/12/2023 21:16

For those of you who didn't take on husband's last name...
Did you also challenge any other traditions regarding your actual wedding? Find it interesting 😀
I did personally.
Didn't have my dad walking me down the aisle, didn't throw a bouquet etc...

My adult son walked me down the aisle.

JassyRadlett · 19/12/2023 21:24

LorlieS · 19/12/2023 21:16

For those of you who didn't take on husband's last name...
Did you also challenge any other traditions regarding your actual wedding? Find it interesting 😀
I did personally.
Didn't have my dad walking me down the aisle, didn't throw a bouquet etc...

I asked both my parents to walk me down the aisle, but my mum didn't want to. There wasn't any "giving away", we were very clear about that. Speeches were evenly split between men and women; my bridesmaid gave a speech as well as the best man, etc. No bouquet toss or anything like that.

Like I said upthread, marriage is rooted in some pretty uncomfortable traditions from a feminist perspective but we all make our imperfect choices , right? And many of them aren't particularly rational 😁

JassyRadlett · 19/12/2023 21:27

BIossomtoes · 19/12/2023 21:22

It may be archaic but it’s not “her” rules. It’s formally correct. I’ve been married for 23 years and my best friend still addresses cards to Mr and Mrs Hisname. I just ignore it now.

Show quote history

It's actually not formally correct if it's not her name, though. Even the etiquette guides agree on that. People don't get to make up names for other people and call it correct just because they're either lazy or disrespectful.

BTW I really love that your son walked you down the aisle, what a special thing.

LorlieS · 19/12/2023 21:27

@JassyRadlett Naturally I spoke at our Wedding Breakfast as well as my husband. Like I was going to not say a word whilst the men had their say!!! 😂

JassyRadlett · 19/12/2023 21:29

LorlieS · 19/12/2023 21:27

@JassyRadlett Naturally I spoke at our Wedding Breakfast as well as my husband. Like I was going to not say a word whilst the men had their say!!! 😂

Exactly!

LorlieS · 19/12/2023 21:29

I walked down the aisle with my hubby-to-be and our 2 year-old daughter! My dad wasn't offended as he knows me well!

Itsbeginingtolookalotlikexmas · 19/12/2023 21:32

My MIL has done this and we are not even married!
Shes transitional but has over the years accepted that we aren’t married and has gay friends etc. so I let this little thing go.

derxa · 19/12/2023 21:42

felttippenguin · 19/12/2023 20:50

@derxa what happens when the Smiths of Hillhead fail to produce a male heir to carry on the family name? Surely tradition would see their family "identity" disappear?

The daughter may take over but whoever she marries she will always be known as Janie Smith of Hillhead. I took my father’s farm but I’ll always be known as derxa My father’s name because my married name means nothing to the locals. 😂

BIossomtoes · 19/12/2023 22:01

I really love that your son walked you down the aisle, what a special thing.

It was special. He explained in his speech that he was making sure he got rid of me!

Flyhigher · 19/12/2023 22:16

Is she American? Or upper class English? They both do this. It is awful.

fingerguns · 19/12/2023 22:21

I'm in my mid-thirties and like it when I get a card addressed to Mr & Mrs DHFirstName OurLastName.

I guess I'm the only one who likes traditional and formal writing!

LorlieS · 19/12/2023 22:25

@fingerguns I'm personally not a fan of misogynistic traditions but each to their own. As for formal, the formal way of addressing correspondence to my husband a I is Mr and Ms (or Ms and Mr) HisLastName hyphen MyLastName. It's quite simple to get it right!
I'm 43.

GodDammitCecil · 19/12/2023 22:28

fingerguns · 19/12/2023 22:21

I'm in my mid-thirties and like it when I get a card addressed to Mr & Mrs DHFirstName OurLastName.

I guess I'm the only one who likes traditional and formal writing!

I love how people pick and choose.

I bet you’re happy some formal traditions have gone out the window, like not having the right to vote, or own property….

Let me guess, you’re not interested in politics and don’t vote anyway….

2chocolateoranges · 19/12/2023 22:35

my grans and also my aunt address cards to us like that.

its not something I’d get upset about.

SpongeBobSquarePantaloons · 19/12/2023 22:36

A family member sends my mum a card addressed to "Mrs [My-Dads-Name]". They've been divorced for over a decade. She knows this. The inside of the card is made out to my mum and her partner. Who is not my dad. It's bizarre. She doesn't mean anything rude by it, but I don’t know why she does it.

BrimfulOfMash · 19/12/2023 22:39

the term maiden name is probably the most sexist thing about this situation.

It’s alongside it, part of it. Women’s birth name is from the off and forever qualified as being part of ‘maiden hood’, waiting to change with their status to marriage: legally and sexually linked to a man.

honeyfox · 19/12/2023 22:42

It grinds my gears. I've already had two or three Christmas cards addressed to Mr & Mrs HisSurname through the letterbox. Mostly from elderly relatives who I would never take it up with, not worth it. But I never changed my name and I've told these people that.

BrimfulOfMash · 19/12/2023 22:51

What with this ‘I was walked down the aisle by xxx’?

‘I am assuming that most women here ‘walked down the aisle’ with whoever accompanied them rather than ‘being walked’ like a prisoner or a dog?