To get annoyed that it's another year and I'm addressed as Mr & Mrs Chatnoir by MIL

[chatenoire]

I haven't even changed my name! I'm still Ms + Maiden name. I'd be more OK with Mr & Mrs his surname, but first name + surname just sounds so anachronistic to me.

I've actually made a point by every single time signing our cards the way it should be, but clearly to her it doesn't matter.

I do remember being taught (by my parents and in school) that the only correct way to address a letter to a married couple was to write "Mr. & Mrs. John Smith" and that was that. No flexibility at all and anything else was utterly incorrect.

I didn't carry that on far into my adult life. I began to see how utterly ridiculous and misogynistic it was. I realised that although I did take my DH's surname on marriage in 1993, I didn't become him. So I dropped that level of ridiculousness fairly early on even though my own parents didn't.

If I had known back in 1993 what I know now I wouldn't have changed my surname either. I'd grown up pretty sheltered really and just thought it was simply what all women did on marriage, what was expected really and I didn't question it. I would question it now.

We should all respect others and call them by the names they have indicated they wish to be known by.

Too many people probably don't even realise that it isn't automatic that a woman's surname changes on marriage, and that there is no legal requirement for it to change at all.

I'm considering adding my maiden name back into my names.

Why would you sign a card to MIL with surnames?
Surely John & Jayne will do

My PILs spent the first few years that I was with Dh writing to Dh and his ex in cards, despite knowing me and us getting along well 😂

I don’t mind, I adore them.

I’m relieved I’m not the only one as I had a row with DP this morning after I refused to open a card addressed to The [DP’s surname] Family.

They also drum it into DC’s heads that their name is X DP’s surname, ignoring mine. The car and house apparently belong to him too. I’m tempted section off the place and only allow them in the ‘X Family’ half.

It doesn't bother me at all.
Of all the things to bother about, that one is way down on the list.

That's your areas traditon though not a countrywide tradition

For example in the farming area I live in people are known by the name of the house they live in not the other way round

So it would be Bob White House rather than Bob Smith for example.

Now this is neither worse nor better than your tradition to be fair (as historically it was the woman moving from one farm to another when she married so still the way she is being referred to changing) but it shows that your tradition is irrelevant to the OP unless she lives in the exact same area as you anyway

Bin it. That's what I do. Who is this mysterious woman without a name of her own anyway?

????

This isn't 18th century Dorset. 🙄

I always find the tradishuuuuuun wanking on this subject particularly funny because if you were that traditional, you wouldn't have a surname in the first place.

It was not traditional in many countries/cultures for women to take their husband's name on marriage. (Spain, parts of Asia and the Far East ....) And also in parts of the British Isles. In Scotland, for example, married women were known by their unmarried surname until the mid 19th century. There are countless documents saying things like 'John McTavish and his wife Mary Cameron'.

Further back in time, in Gaelic-speaking areas, men and women were both known by a series of names - 'John son Angus son of Duncan etc etc ' or 'Mary daughter of James son of Ewen etc etc'. And, just as the poster above mentioned, individuals and families were also known by locational nicknames: 'Mary Glenmore' for example, or 'Ian Millfield'.

Not something I could get worked up about. Although I love having my husband’s surname. :)

This would annoy me too. I'm married but also didn't take my DH's name. He would have preferred it if I did, as would the families on both sides. Even my own DM can't get her head around the fact that I'm keeping (her) name, even though out of my entire friendship group from school, only one of them changed their name on marriage!

Cards are mostly addressed to Mr and Mrs DH's surname, which I can live with. It's easier for the writer to write after all. I wouldn't be best pleased to be called Mrs DH firstname surname by anyone, least of all by my own MIL. Thankfully no-one has, as far as I've seen, addressed our cards in that way (or DH knows how much I hate it and has disposed of the evidence before I've seen it).

The only thing we've realised is now confusing is we used to open cards depending on who was the main recipient, so pre-marriage they'd come addressed to Mr Him and Ms Me or Ms Me and Mr Him. I'd leave the ones with his name first for him to open and open ones with my name first.

Now many people put Mr & Mrs, we have no idea until we open them which one of us they're really mainly aimed at.

Very, very first world problems obviously!

I have separated and was a little taken aback by getting a card addressed to Mrs Husbands initial Surname. But then I remembered that my auntie is very traditional like that and didn't mean anything by it. I do hate the tradition though of referring to a wife by her husbands names.

My DGM still insists on addressing cards to me as Mrs D (DH's initial!!!!) Surname. His name isn't even on the card yet I am still called with his initial.

I would get DH to have a word with her 'you're using the wrong name for my wife that's not my name'

When I address a card to a couple with different names I usually double barrel it eg the womansname-mansname family

The Berry's what? Do you mean the Berrys? That's fine, if they all HAVE the surname of Berry. OP clearly does not.

I get annoyed coz my SIL does exactly this. Would’ve thought she’d be a bit more modern about it all.
My own DM only mentions the male half of the relationship in her address book. So both my brothers are there but not their wives - e.g. John Smith rather than John and Josie Smith, or even John Smith & Josie.
What’s even more galling is that my DH is in there with same status as my brothers but I don’t even get a mention - this I find weird and misogynistic beyond comprehension.

I always wonder what people who insist on these 'traditional' forms of address do when confronted with a same-sex couple. Do they just assign one as the 'male' partner and work from there, or just address to one of them?

Good point!!

All this angst over 2 bits of paper that you throw in the bin.

I'd address hers back as Mr (his surname) and Mrs (her maiden name). Just to highlight the point.

Interesting question! Perhaps as exclusively heterosexual marriage was also a tradition, and indeed an older one than surnames, that too was a sad loss. Or maybe the concept of a same sex couple simply doesn't compute.

Agree op.

I won’t open cards addressed to Mr and mrs Geoff Johnson*, let alone addressed just to Mrs Geoff Johnson. Who tf is she?

More than happy with:
Mr and Mrs Johnson
(Mr and Mrs) Geoff and Jane Johnson
Mrs Jane Johnson (from my friends obvs)

I took his surname, not his blooming first name!

.*not our actual name

I always smile a bit when we get cards addressed to Mr and Mrs Mike Surname, but it doesn't get to me. It's a relic of a convention that is dying out. The senders are all over 70. And I'll probably miss it when they die and I am no longer Mrs Mike.

@chatenoire - it's strange you're so annoyed about it but the title says something different.