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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being asked for money at work like this is not ok?

612 replies

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:48

I don’t know if I’m feeling sensitive about money and actually this is totally reasonable…

We have one dc in full time nursery costing 1500 a month. I work for a professional services company and we have a lot of support staff. We are seen to be paid huge money. However I am only on 63k and we are struggling so much at the moment, some people more senior are on well over this with grown up dc. A month ago a Teams message was started by someone senior saying does anyone want to pitch in for a gift for the secretaries. I found this very inappropriate on teams as it was difficult to say no in a group chat.

I know the answer in practice is just don’t give anything if you can’t afford it but I’ve since been chased on a separate teams message asking if I am contributing and when I ignored that I got an email.

I feel this puts so much pressure on people and think it is massively inappropriate thing to do at work? Am I being a dick?

OP posts:
beanii · 19/12/2023 16:39

You lost me at 'ONLY earn 67k' - you need a reality check.

Chip in for gifts - that's what 'us' on minimum wage (around £20k) do 😒

beanii · 19/12/2023 16:41

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 08:52

@Doggymummar i do want to. I have done in the past. We have no money at the moment and credit card debt. Being asked in this way I have found really uncomfortable

If you're on £67k and in debt you need to quickly look at your outgoings!

That's ridiculous.

Abbyant · 19/12/2023 16:45

Whip rounds for staff are common and your being unreasonable not replying on a separate note you need to have a very good look at your finances if you are struggling on 63k a year, I earn 25k and with childcare costs of £880 a month but can still manage a fiver for staff.

TiredMummma · 19/12/2023 16:49

A £63k salary is about £3k a month, with £1500 going on childcare and still bills and rent/mortgage to pay its shows why you are going to debt.

Anyone else on lower salary with no local family and a young child cannot afford to work right now. That's the situation the county is in.

The debate here should be about the complete unaffordablity of childcare that even those on higher incomes are going in to debt instead of attacking the OP for feeling pressured on top of all the other pressure.

Having said all that, I would have just said I can't afford it or here is a fiver

SezFrankly · 19/12/2023 16:49

Answer the question then! Jesus H, Tthere’s some poor bastard trying to organise this, and they need to know what they’re spending. If you can’t, just say so. If you feel you need to justify it, just say you’ve had some recent unexpected expenses.

if you’re a senior manager, gifts like this are the norm and should be budgeted for in your salary, just as a nice suit/shoes etc are. Remember this for next year and don’t be so bloody tight. £63k is a perfectly good salary to live within.

Turtletoe · 19/12/2023 16:52

Wow, people see 63k and think this is massive. That is the case for most, however 63k after tax and ni is around 3,700 per month. Take away 1500 of that for childcare 2200 remains for housing, heating, eating and all the other soul draining bills.
I haven't read 17 pages of comments so forgive me, but Id imagine this person has not only a big mortgage, rising rapidly like every one else, but a big council tax to match.
No you're not being unreasonable.

Catlady1978 · 19/12/2023 16:53

@xmasmoney is this for real? ‘Only’ £63k a year and you can’t chip in for the secretaries who are no doubt on around £25-£29k per year? Everyone has debt etc - this is a cost of living crisis. Just be glad you have £63k a year to do it. If you don’t want to turn grow a backbone and say no!

professionalmum01 · 19/12/2023 16:57

All these people saying £63k seems a lot. It's not when you have a £1.5k nursery bill and a mortgage and other bills. Those on lower wages might have far lower outgoings .

OP i'd just say unfortunately i cannot contribute as money is tight or just give a couple of quid but they shouldn't be chasing you.

Fishwiife · 19/12/2023 16:59

63k gets heavily taxed, you lose your right to child benefit and you pay a huge amount for childcare. It is a good salary but those costs are heavy.

OP much respect to you for pursuing your career. Well done for not accepting a low wage or reducing your hours. You have my understanding of your situation, it’s not easy!

10yDrama · 19/12/2023 17:02

Turtletoe · 19/12/2023 16:52

Wow, people see 63k and think this is massive. That is the case for most, however 63k after tax and ni is around 3,700 per month. Take away 1500 of that for childcare 2200 remains for housing, heating, eating and all the other soul draining bills.
I haven't read 17 pages of comments so forgive me, but Id imagine this person has not only a big mortgage, rising rapidly like every one else, but a big council tax to match.
No you're not being unreasonable.

Edited

It's not £63k total household income.

We live in the SE near London.

Our combined isnt far off £63k.

While I don't doubt that with nursery etc there's not a lot of spare cash, I wouldn't be snubbing a work Christmas whip round.

Sounds like OP spends a lot more than just nursery etc.

MushMonster · 19/12/2023 17:02

Just tell the person chasing the contribution you are sorry, but cannot give at this time.
Next time they ask in future, just say, sorry I cannot.
You need to be assertive and confident enough to do this.

beanii · 19/12/2023 17:02

Turtletoe · 19/12/2023 16:52

Wow, people see 63k and think this is massive. That is the case for most, however 63k after tax and ni is around 3,700 per month. Take away 1500 of that for childcare 2200 remains for housing, heating, eating and all the other soul draining bills.
I haven't read 17 pages of comments so forgive me, but Id imagine this person has not only a big mortgage, rising rapidly like every one else, but a big council tax to match.
No you're not being unreasonable.

Edited

Most people don't have £2200 take home before nursery fees come out 🤦‍♀️

You're as out of touch as the OP.

Notamum12345577 · 19/12/2023 17:03

xmasmoney · 19/12/2023 09:34

@Autumnalday @MargotBamborough i genuinely cant understand how 1,550 on nursery fees (after the tax free part), doesn’t explain why I have no money left at the end of the month? 63k after tax and student loans is not much more than that and I have a mortgage, food, petrol costs. Do people think 63k is easily covering this stuff because sadly it is very tight

If you are paying full time nursery costs your DH/DP is I assume working full time? So if they are only on minimum wage you would have a household income of at least 80k a year? So you can’t claim you are paying the nursery fees out of 63 when there is another wage to add to that.

Howdidtheydothat · 19/12/2023 17:05

Chuck them a fiver and forgo a coffee or
say “thanks doing my own thing and don’t ( or bring them in something from home ( crafts from kids?)”

Thatswhy11 · 19/12/2023 17:06

63k isn't as much as it sounds BUT it's more than most will ever earn. Is your mortgage high OP? How much do you spend on food a week? If you have a partner why are things so tight?

LlynTegid · 19/12/2023 17:07

Someone giving their bank details via work email (in reality not a 100% secure method) is a person I would only ever had cash to.

The OP may be on a good income and have not managed it well, but the point about others being pestered is a valid one.

professionalmum01 · 19/12/2023 17:07

So many jealous people on this thread missing the point. If you can't afford it then don't do it. At one point i was paying £3.5k a month on nursery fee and a £63k salary would just about cover it. And thats just nursery not including other bills. Thankfully our combined income more than covered that but people have no idea how much nursery costs. Its different when they start school. Ours has gone from £1.9k to only £300 a month which makes a MASSIVE difference to our disposable income. You don't need to justify to anyone why you can't afford it. Just be assertive and say you won't be contributing and don't even give a reason. The person collecting won't care as they just want to make sure that noone who is planning to contribute has not forgotten to do it.

Pineapples198 · 19/12/2023 17:09

I think it’s ok to be asked. It’s also to say no. When someone asks if you are contributing just say no thanks. You don’t need to explain why. or you could say finances a bit tight this year sorry. Or just give a fiver. I earn £25k a year and manage to give a fiver whenever someone has a big birthday , is leaving or going on maternity leave. your comment about “only” earning £63k is a little unreasonable… that’s a whopping salary I could never hope to earn, last year husband and I earned half that as a combined salary.
But yeah, if you don’t want to contribute don’t. But tell them that. I suspect they keep asking as you haven’t given an answer.

HollaHolla · 19/12/2023 17:09

Sorry, yes, you are being a bit of a dick. 'Only' £63k is a really good salary (unless you suddenly tell us your mortgage is £4k a month, or something), and you should still have cash left at the end of the month.
It's not about what 'the secretaries; earn, but more, do you want to show your thanks for all their hard work, to support you, over the year?
I earn considerably less than you, and am the sole wage earner. I've still spent about £75 on gifts for those who support me at work; including my own team of 16 direct reports. I want to thank them, even if it's just with a token thing.

Niallig32839 · 19/12/2023 17:11

If you don’t want to contribute for whatever reason you need to have balls big enough to say sorry I’m not going to contribute. For a small sum to someone to show you appreciate them goes a long way though. Secretaries can also have kids at nursery and huge fees to pay too without the 63k salary.

JRM17 · 19/12/2023 17:13

Oh you poor skint little pauper, only 63k a year how ever do you manage to fuel your jet. FML. You are earning almost DOUBLE my entire household income just on your own. Give the secretary a fiver and then give yourself a shake.

girlfriend44 · 19/12/2023 17:13

It's dreadful.
If your one of these people that instigates this stop doing it, it divides people.

Ifi you want to buy them a present do, but don't rope other people.

Just give a card saying thanks if that's what you want to do.

rookiemere · 19/12/2023 17:13

It feels like actual gaslighting going on in this thread, with people trying to convince us that actually the OP on 63k is somehow more hard up/hard done by than the admin staff on half of that.

I am on a similar salary as OP and there is no way I would ever express that as only being on £60k, regardless of ones expenses it is well over the national average of £38k and it's therefore crass to act as if it is not a considerable amount.

dottypotter · 19/12/2023 17:15

People are stretched at this time of year, it's an impertinence to ask people for money for people at work.

YouHaveAnArse · 19/12/2023 17:17

MargotBamborough · 19/12/2023 11:07

You know many people's mortgages alone are more than 1.5k a month, right? Especially at the moment.

Edited
Show quote history

Some people's RENTS are more than 1.5k a month. Probably every single one of those admin staff.