To think being asked for money at work like this is not ok?

[xmasmoney]

I don’t know if I’m feeling sensitive about money and actually this is totally reasonable…

We have one dc in full time nursery costing 1500 a month. I work for a professional services company and we have a lot of support staff. We are seen to be paid huge money. However I am only on 63k and we are struggling so much at the moment, some people more senior are on well over this with grown up dc. A month ago a Teams message was started by someone senior saying does anyone want to pitch in for a gift for the secretaries. I found this very inappropriate on teams as it was difficult to say no in a group chat.

I know the answer in practice is just don’t give anything if you can’t afford it but I’ve since been chased on a separate teams message asking if I am contributing and when I ignored that I got an email.

I feel this puts so much pressure on people and think it is massively inappropriate thing to do at work? Am I being a dick?

Personally I wouldn't give a flying one about 'social capital' if it were given or withheld by people who thought they had some sort of magic insight into my personal finances and who judged me for what I spent/gave.

"Be kind" isn't it.

By everyone a present etc.

All of this.

To add the above...

Based on the limited information we have it sounds like the OP is most likely in her early 30s. I'm basing that on the fact that she has a young child and is still making student loan repayments on a salary of 63K, which suggests that she hasn't been earning 63k for all that long and started university between 2006 and 2011. If she had started university before that she would have paid lower tuition fees and on her salary would most likely have repaid the full loan by now. It is possible that she started university in or after 2012 and has an absolutely massive student loan, but that would make her most likely under 30 which is pretty young to be a home owner with a child if you are in a graduate job. So she is most likely between 30 and 36.

If my guess about her age is correct, she probably did not get on the property ladder all that long ago, and she probably paid a high price for a starter home within commuting distance of her job.

If she didn't get on the property ladder all that long ago then she probably doesn't have a lot of equity in her home, making her very vulnerable to rising interest rates. If you owe hundreds of thousands on your mortgage when your fix comes to an end and your interest rate suddenly goes up by 4%, that's going to hit you much harder than if you are, say, 20 years older and only earning 33k in your admin role but bought a house when property was much more affordable and your mortgage is all but paid off.

There is a reason why nursery fees are such a killer for people like the OP. They earn the kind of salary that makes the economically illiterate on Mumsnet say, "But you're RICH, stop complaining!" and make stupid jokes about tiny violins, but you get nothing in the way of state benefits to help you pay these costs, you're paying a huge marginal tax rate including student loan contributions and your housing costs are much higher than they would have been if you'd been born even ten years earlier.

People not in this age and income bracket have a completely unrealistic idea of what sort of lifestyle people like the OP are living, and comments about "prep school" (ffs!) make that abundantly clear.

I don't think it's necessary to chase people for money in such cases. People shouldn't feel pressurised to give.

With that said, either continue ignoring or respond.

It's pretty tone deaf to say you 'only' earn an amount that most people do not, btw.

You were informed a month ago, although it's something that happens every year, could you really not budget a few quid?

I do not earn the amount you do and yet threw in some money for a gift for someone last week, not because i pity them, but because of how grateful i am for the work that they do.

Tell me you don't have nursery aged children without telling me you don't have nursery aged children. This is the cost for a bog standard nursery - NOT prep school or similar 🙄

Only on 63k? That's a huge amount of money! I'm on 35k

Do you have a child in full time nursery?

Being grateful to colleagues who’re getting paid to do their job? Bizarre.

Indeed, and it's customary for junior staff to be shown some tangible appreciation. Just as I gave my direct reports a bottle of wine and my cleaner will get an extra week's money tomorrow.

In my experience showing appreciation helps people go the extra mile for you.

Oh ONE of them is on nearly half your salary? That's fine then, fuck 'em all. Don't you think maybe they have children in nursery too, or are you one of those privileged MC working mums who thinks they're the only person ever to have a baby? Do your own sodding admin next year. YABVU.

Maybe they have a child in nursery too, maybe they don't.

If they don't, their actual disposable income may in fact be higher than the OP's.

Why are so many people on here so economically illiterate?

@MargotBamborough, no, but many of my colleagues on similar or less wages do.

Finding gifting someone a token of appreciation bizarre is indeed bizarre, to say the least.

Generally I find people's expenses go up commensurate with their earnings, it's how debt begins. So even people earning £100K may not have any more spare change in their pocket than the £25K earners (though you'd assume they should, they'll just spend more/bigger house/maybe a more expensive area), etc. Childcare fees are hard, in a couple of years I assume OP will be a lot more well off at the end of the month so it's a short term issue but at this stage can feel like you'll never see the end of that particular expense.

It is a little tone deaf though to begrudge the admin staff all the while assuming they must have partners who earn more and can top them up that way.

I never said that, though, did I? I was referring to the context of the appreciation.

Right, so your disposable income is most likely higher than the OP's.

And we don't have enough information about your colleagues, other than the fact that they will be paying a lot less in tax and student loan contributions than the OP and are most likely entitled to benefits that the OP does not get, for that to be a relevant comparison.

@MargotBamborough how rude to call me "economically illiterate". Do you even know what that means? Very few EAs make over £60k and the OP has already said the PAs at her firm are on much lower salaries. Having children and taking on that financial burden is a choice, not an obligation, so don't bleat on about "disposable income". Childless people subside families in every area of life. The cost of childcare is much less of an issue for women like OP who are in dual-income professional households - not to mention that putting her DC in nursery to continue in a professional services career means she'll probably be on six figures in a few years, unlike her PA. And no, if you work full-time on £30k you are not entitled to sufficient benefits to make you better off than someone making twice that! I wish.

Your take home pay is not much more than 1,5k? I highly doubt it. I am on 43k and my take home pay is 2,4k. I would estimate yours to be closer to 3,5-3,7k
Up to you whether you want to contribute £10 or not but I would at least have a decency to say so in the email reply.

Perhaps the person doing the collection doesn't know this? Reply explaining that you are "only on 63K" and so won't be able to contribute. Just like you have here.

Yes I hate this. I am not an employee anymore as have my own business but I still see it in groups. Like PPs said it comes from a good place but it can cause distress.

At one point I was running an informal group for something and one lady was having a hard time. Another person suggested we get her something to cheer her up, I said that was a great idea. It was then proposed we all contribute 20 euro to get a substantial voucher and as I run the group I could collect and present. I said no as some people didn't even know the woman and I didn't want to suggest an amount. I actually thought it was ridiculous but didn't say that. So I just sent a message saying we were getting a voucher and anyone who wanted to contribute any amount could but no pressure.

Anyway it became A Thing with me looking like an uncaring killjoy.

But it is economically illiterate to splutter about someone being on "nearly half" the OP's salary without taking into account any relevant factors about the tax system, the benefits system, the student loan repayment system or the housing market.

And that's even assuming that these people on 30k actually have full time childcare costs which they don't get any help with. Nothing in the OP's posts indicates that this is the case.

So the reality is that the gap in disposable income between the OP and an admin assistant on 30k may be minimal or indeed non existent.

It is definitely economically illiterate not to be able to understand why the OP isn't rolling in it on a salary of 63k with high taxes, student loan repayments, full time childcare costs, credit card debt, a mortgage and a partner who doesn't earn very much, and why she might have £58 in her bank account in the week before Christmas and not feel able to contribute to a gift for someone on £30k who may well have far more in their bank account than she does.

None of this judgement and none of these most likely incorrect assumptions about the OP's lifestyle are going to change the fact that she is currently skint.

To me it sounds very odd and condescending for the better paid employees to be asked to buy a gift for the lower paid ones... Creates a bit of a power dynamic that I wouldn't like personally.

don't assume those with older kids aren't finding it expensive too.
I've helped two through Uni to the tune of thousands!

Only on £60k+......Even in London some of your admins are going to be on around £30k unless they're very senior EAs.

So whereas I can see your pov about collections your woe is me is a bit OTT.

but sadly when 2k a month is spent on your child with nursery, petrol, food, etc, it leaves very little for your own mortgage and life. I don’t even get child benefit.

I don't doubt that you feel very stretched @xmasmoney and at that income, you receive next to none of the benefits a lot of PPs giving you a hard time will be receiving (I'm a nett contributor too and I know how it feels to pay & pay, and have people sneer at you in the way they are on this thread). I still think that if you can bung a fiver in a collection, you could do so.

But I worry about the way that your DC's father doesn't seem to be figured into your calculations. Is he a non-contributor to your DC's and your household? It might be worth having a thorough look at your joint family finances. You mention others' partners what about your own? The childcare fees are 50% his responsibility.

Good luck