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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

But embarrassing for me, but was DH wrong too?

452 replies

Suze889 · 18/12/2023 17:57

Work night out recently. I got completely hammered on red wine; I must say now and I do mean this, this is really unlike me but it happened so have to to tell the truth. Work colleagues were also drunk but luckily female colleague’s husband was on hand to take us back to hers. I love about 45 minutes away and was supposed to be getting the train home but was not capable of this. I know the shame. This is where it gets weird. Colleague and her husband called my husband from my phone. I was incapable of speaking to him and was lying on sofa. My husband was completely unperturbed by the whole thing, refused to come and pick me up, (it was only nine o’clock) and pretty much left me at my colleagues so I had to stay the night and THEY had to drive me home the next day. So embarrassing. My colleagues were also a bit drunk And outraged at my husband’s behaviour and when he refused to come and pick me up. They called back to discover he had turned his phone off! Now I was completely oblivious to all this happening but now I just feel so little and small. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have collected him, I have done similar before. My colleagues all think he’s a dick but are being polite and I am mortified on all fronts.

OP posts:
Jf20 · 20/12/2023 17:05

MasterBeth · 20/12/2023 14:09

No-one's saying it's her responsibility.

We're saying it's a kindly act that you do for someone you love and are married to.

It's not a dutiful act, it's a caring act.

Show quote history

Well I also am going to link this thread next time a woman complains her male partner got drunk . Remind people just how lovely and kind you should be to your wankered up husband.

rwalker · 20/12/2023 17:23

Dynababy · 19/12/2023 21:11

I think he is bang out of order. You needed help he would not help. Very hard to understand why a loving husband would not help his wife. Have you considered that your husband might be having an affair and had used you Xmas night out as an opportunity for night with lover? I’d be seriously suspicious as to why he could not and would not help me. I’d be seriously questioning him and the relationship. Sorry op 😔

Hilarious soo desperate to blame the man

iljafjpr · 20/12/2023 18:05

Jf20 · 20/12/2023 17:05

Well I also am going to link this thread next time a woman complains her male partner got drunk . Remind people just how lovely and kind you should be to your wankered up husband.

Show quote history

@Jf20
I've got it bookmarked so I can find it again easily when the next shitfaced husband thread comes up - bound to be soon. There's usually at least one every weekend along a similar vein to this one.

MrsHughesPinny · 20/12/2023 18:21

He’s absolutely in the wrong.

There’s no chance I would refuse to drive 90 measly minutes (we’re not talking 300 miles, here!) to pick up DP if he was in a state. Or my Mum, stepdad, any of my siblings or their spouses, my close friends etc.

Fine to be cross about it or whatever next day but how childish. If he refuses to look after his own wife when needed I can’t imagine he’s a great partner.

theconfidenceofwho · 20/12/2023 19:39

I agree @MrsHughesPinny - I'd be very unhappy & give them a piece of my mind when they were sober, but I'd still absolutely pick them up if I could.

WmFnKdSg1234 · 20/12/2023 20:49

My issue would be: why wouldn't my husband inconvenience himself for me?

From what you have said OP, you have done, for him, exactly what he refused to do for you last night by refusing to fetch you home. I would be livid and feel so let down.

When will be the next inconvenience?

It's the thin edge of the wedge.

MustWeDoThis · 21/12/2023 00:05

...and hope the taxi driver is not a rapist/pervert/psychopath. That would be far too dangerous.

MustWeDoThis · 21/12/2023 00:08

My husband read this with me and said, "You get as drunk as you like, I will always come and get you. You're an adult and it's nobodies business to tell you how much enjoyment to have, or not to have."

And that's how it should always be. We should be free to drink so long as we know we will be safe. If you did not have a partner, I would have arranged for another responsible adult who isn't as anal as a lot of the comments on this post to look after you.

YOLO.

HolidayAddict23 · 21/12/2023 07:24

Your husband sounds like a dick!

RadiantRainbow · 21/12/2023 22:35

Everyone who is outraged that the OP couldn't speak and saying we also got drunk but not to the extent that we couldn't speak (so she is somehow in the wrong here definitely)

Well you are not her, everyone's body reacts differently.

Especially if it is very rare for her to get drunk so she has no tolerance, and she made the mistake of drinking on an empty stomach. Especially if it was cheap nasty plonk. Or maybe but not very likely it was spiked. She might have had developed a reaction to something in the wine and was literally poisoned...

Everyone who said I wouldn't drive my partner in case they puke in the car...what are buckets for? Plastic binliners/shower curtains etc for covering the seats? To be nauseous and miserable in the care of strangers is humiliating and you wouldn't actually feel emotionally safe at all because of all the embarrassment and discomfort compared to being within the walls of your own home.

OP, I am speaking as an ex-wife of someone who was always of "if it is your fault that you got yourself into trouble just rely on yourself " H and divorcing was the best thing which happened to me in the last 15 years. (I never got drunk etc but had similar when damaged our car and some other occasions. Really wish I saw things clearly from the first incident, for me it took a few to see he couldn't really love me with that attitude - though he thought he did)
I had to wait for the youngest to be a bit older, but you have no children, I would re-think your life in your place asap. It's shit that it has happened but it might be a good thing if it prompts you into making changes...you accept too little.

Original poster
Suze889 · 22/12/2023 11:48

Thank you everyone. For those posters painting me as a regular drunk who could be shouty, abusive etc, that is just not even in the slightest what happened or who I am. I am also not blaming my drunkenness on my husband at all hence why I haven’t really brought the matter up again after his nonchalant attitude of it was your mess, I didn’t want to collect you attitude. Regarding pp, the car accident rings true, had similar, minor prang a while back and husband although did come to the side of the road to help, went back to playing squash again after even though I was pretty shook up. I think I have a lot to consider. Thanks again, everyone and no I’m not an abusive drunk, at all x

OP posts:
Jf20 · 22/12/2023 12:02

MustWeDoThis · 21/12/2023 00:08

My husband read this with me and said, "You get as drunk as you like, I will always come and get you. You're an adult and it's nobodies business to tell you how much enjoyment to have, or not to have."

And that's how it should always be. We should be free to drink so long as we know we will be safe. If you did not have a partner, I would have arranged for another responsible adult who isn't as anal as a lot of the comments on this post to look after you.

YOLO.

Your husband sits and reads mumsnet with you and then makes inspirational quotes?

Seaside3 · 22/12/2023 13:25

Doesn't yours @Jf20 ? Divorce him, quick.

MaggieNextDoor · 22/12/2023 14:45

My husband never reads Mumsnet with me. I must get my ducks in a row and LTB.

whoscoatsthatjacket2012 · 22/12/2023 15:12

Bloody hell. DH would have definitely picked me up. What a spiteful git

agonyau · 22/12/2023 21:40

Yeah, DH sounds cold & selfish. If this really was an unusual occurrence I can’t understand his uncaring attitude. Perhaps he had had a drink? But even if he had he should have explained that & maybe asked colleagues to put you in a taxi (though driver may have refused to take you if you were that incapacitated). You need to think over any previous selfish acts on his part and weigh up whether you want to stay married to someone who you can’t depend on or not 😙

ThisMamaNeedsSleep · 25/12/2023 21:00

We have all been absolutely trashed at some stage, it’s embarrassing alright but it is what it is and you are lucky your colleagues were in a position to take care of you.
The big issue here is your husband’s lack of concern or willing to do anything to help/support you, I have to say I find this shocking. I would go anywhere to get my husband if he was incapacitated, even through his own bad decisions while drinking. Sounds like you would be the same. Turning off his phone is very low altogether, I can understand your colleagues thinking bad of him. To be honest if it was me I would be more embarrassed about his behaviour than your drunkenness.

anyolddinosaur · 26/12/2023 07:35

My husband doesnt read mumsnet with me but I do sometimes ask his view of something posted on here. He would not ever be rude enough to refuse a request from someone else to pick me up. But no - we have not all been absolutely trashed.

margotrose · 26/12/2023 08:25

We have all been absolutely trashed at some stage

As teenagers or students maybe, but I've genuinely never been "absolutely trashed" as an adult. I've been out drinking and been drunk but never to the point where I couldn't speak and needed someone to call my husband for me.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/12/2023 10:42

margotrose · 26/12/2023 08:25

We have all been absolutely trashed at some stage

As teenagers or students maybe, but I've genuinely never been "absolutely trashed" as an adult. I've been out drinking and been drunk but never to the point where I couldn't speak and needed someone to call my husband for me.

@margotrose

good for you.

ellyeth · 03/01/2024 12:56

There must be some perfect people on here. The OP has already said this is a very rare event - not something she normally does - and also said she has had to pick her husband up on occasions when he has drunk too much.

I think it was really mean of him. I would remind him that when he has asked for a lift in similar circumstances you have always picked him up - but you are re-thinking that now.

januaryblues22 · 03/01/2024 13:30

margotrose · 26/12/2023 08:25

We have all been absolutely trashed at some stage

As teenagers or students maybe, but I've genuinely never been "absolutely trashed" as an adult. I've been out drinking and been drunk but never to the point where I couldn't speak and needed someone to call my husband for me.

Well done, have a gold star. You are a superior being, congratulations.

Bookworm20 · 03/01/2024 16:09

OP, i'm really sorry. That is epically shit of him. He has shown you who he is and what he cares about, and it doesn't sound much like its you.
Simply saying your mess, your fault is frankly weird. I don't know a single person who would not rush to pick up their partner in a situation like that.

So you drank too much on an empty stomach. haven't we all at some point?
I know I have and it wasn't that long ago! and i'm a very sensible and quiet mother of 5.
New to the area, out with some new mum friends i didn't know very well. A mix of relaxing too much after finally getting a night out, drinking too fast and not eating much before I went out. I felt fine until wham, it hit me like a sledge hammer.
I could talk - but I couldn't seem to get a taxi for love nor money as we were out in a town out in the sticks (or i sounded too drunk more likely). Called my partner who was out with his friends in a city about half hour away as I just felt so ill and wasn't entirely sure what to do (also very rare event for me to be drunk even slightly, let alone that drunk!).
He immediately left his friends, jumped in a taxi and came and got me. Talked to me on the phone the whole way to make sure I was ok and still with my friends. Took me home with me drunkenly apologising profusley to which his answer was, it doesn't matter, as long as you're ok.
And then the next morning he simply asked how my head was, chuckled a bit, and then took me out for breakfast.

I cannot fathom being in a relationship where you simply shut off your phone when your partner really needs you (be it by their own stupid making or not)and just leaving them to it.

Theunamedcat · 03/01/2024 18:14

If you don't drink often the chances are you will get smashed easily my ex stepmother was an alcoholic she could drink the pub dry and still be coherent and probably drive the car (not safely but probably get you their in one piece) the only way you could tell she had been drinking was her anger she needed very little to set her mouth off and a force of nature to zip it up

rwalker · 04/01/2024 05:15

For me it would be are you safe or risk of harm
OP was safe and wasn’t at risk of harm

I’m in the you got yourself into that mess you can’t sort yourself out camp