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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 7 and 8 is too bigger gap for a sibling?

133 replies

starsandheart · 18/12/2023 17:24

Dh and I both have dds from a previous relationship, mine is 7 and lives with us f/t his dd is 8 and we have her 50/50.
Does anyone have any experience with bigger age gaps? And how it affects the family dynamics?

OP posts:
Sprinklerainbows · 18/12/2023 19:35

My sister and I have a 12 year age gap, it’s only the two of us and we have a wonderful relationship. I’m the eldest and did find it hard when she was first born but I was a teen and our mum was unwell after her birth, so that hopefully wouldn’t be the case for you. I now have my own children 2 years apart but i have friends with bigger gaps and they’ve definitely have an easier ride than I feel I have.
we plan to hopefully have another baby one day but when my son is 7 and my daughter is 5 minimum!

Sceptre86 · 18/12/2023 19:37

Everyone will come at this with a different way of thinking.Most posters though have described similar age gaps between families with several kids. It's different for only kids in my opinion. I have a sibling 10 years younger and was ecstatic when she was born and a big help to my mum but I already had 2 siblings so really my day to day experience didn't change. For an only child it's a bigger transition.

Dn is 9 and his sister is 2. He was massively jealous when she was born. He does love her and will watch her but he doesn't play with her and would rather spend time with his own friends. When she starts school he will be moving to highschool. His parents hoped he would have a playmate in her but that really isn't the case. They may well be the best of friends as adults but for the moment aren't.

Your situation is made more complicated by the fact that you have a dsd too. I'd think both kids need to be considered thoughtfully in this case (not saying you aren't) or shouldn't have a child together.

1984Winston · 18/12/2023 19:39

I have brothers who are 7 and 8 years older than me, I hated one of them growing up, but I love him now and the opposite is true of the other one! It's definitely more dependent on personality than the age gap whether they will get on or not.

caringcarer · 18/12/2023 19:40

My elder son is 8 years older than his younger brother. I had a girl, 2 years later a boy and unexpectedly became pregnant 7 years later. It was a shock at the time tbh. I didn't realise I was pregnant until I was about 14 weeks. The 2 boys although 8 years different in age have always got on well. They are both adults now and quite close. Until my elder son moved away they often went to the cinema or out for a breakfast together. I thought it would be a lot harder than it was in reality.

Makkacakka · 18/12/2023 20:14

What is the alterative to a big gap? No sibling. Having a sibling wins (in my opinion, as someone who has 2 siblings!). I'm the last of 3. My eldest sibling was 6 when I was born and we are close.

Hibernatalie · 18/12/2023 20:40

I have multiple siblings and the one I am closest to and talk to every day is 10 years older than me.

Hibernatalie · 18/12/2023 20:42

SutWytTi · 18/12/2023 17:42

No gap is too big if the kids are well cared for. Sibling rivalry or not getting on happens when close in age or not.

This

Hibernatalie · 18/12/2023 20:42

CatherinedeBourgh · 18/12/2023 17:46

I was 8 when my sister was born.

Meant I basically didn't have my mother when I needed her most. Yes, older siblings love the baby, yadda yadda, but basically a baby/toddler takes 90% of the parents' attention (as it should) which means there isn't enough to go round for the older ones. And that's shit.

Where was your dad?

randomstress · 18/12/2023 20:46

I have multiple siblings.
I am very close to my sister with that age gap.

OverTheCountryClub · 18/12/2023 20:47

My youngest sister was born when I was 13. I loved having a baby/toddler in the house. Never felt my parents didn't have time for me - far from it. I'm one of 3.

florentina1 · 18/12/2023 20:48

Mine were 10 and 8 when the last came along. They bonded really well and now in their 40s and 50s are still close. They holiday together and visit each other frequently. My grandchildren are more like siblings than cousins.
The only issue I had, was that I was never allowed to tell the little one off as they would rush to his defence.

Forgotmylogindetails · 18/12/2023 20:53

I’ve got 12 years between youngest and oldest . The oldest and youngest get on brilliantly , the middle 2 hate everyone.

1daughterand3sons · 18/12/2023 20:57

My eldest is 15 years older than her youngest sibling.
She's 14 years older then another
She's 10 years older than another
She's close with them all in different ways.

Tisfortired · 18/12/2023 20:59

Mine are 10 and almost 1 (secondary infertility so not a choice) so only a year into the sibling thing but so far so good, DS1 adores his little brother and hasn’t shown any animosity/jealousy toward him whatsoever and is always asking to hold/feed him and read to him etc.

We have been careful from the beginning to make sure as far as possible DS1s routine stays the same, he does the same clubs on the same days, he does activities one on one with us both. We make a big deal of ‘the baby is asleep let’s watch a film!’ Type of thing.

As others have said I know siblings with big and small gaps who don’t get on at all, and although their interests and needs are vastly different now I’m hoping that when they are eg 25 and 35, 40 and 50 that they are close and the gap doesn’t seem as big as it does now.

RuperttheBearHug · 18/12/2023 20:59

My DSis is 13 years my junior. We didn’t have much to do with each other until she was about 16 tbh. And I had long since moved out.

I started taking her shopping, got her some work experience, helped her with some stuff she wasn’t as keen to tell our DM. But now she’s married and the wrong side of 30 we live thousands of miles apart but have a very close bond. Some of that is shared trauma perspectives on our upbringings (quite different despite same bio DPs) but it’s amazing how similar we are despite such different circumstances. So much must be nature not nurture.

I will never forget her texting me throughout the night when I was scared in hospital while everyone else was sleeping.

Aworldofmyown · 18/12/2023 21:00

10 and 6 years between my children. I've found it lovely. The older ones are very sweet with their younger sibling who is now 9.

Housebuyer37 · 18/12/2023 21:01

11 years between my two and eldest is amazing with the youngest. 8 and 10 years between me and my 2 brothers and we're all really close.

Newuser75 · 18/12/2023 21:01

Mine have a six year gap and they play together all the time. Yes they argue but they genuinely get on well and enjoy each others company.

LaughingCat · 18/12/2023 21:03

I’m 8 years older than my brother and we were really close, growing up. I adore the dickhead, even now 😄

Raindancer411 · 18/12/2023 21:06

There is 8 between my two and the older one loves her and her him. Means I have been able to concentrate on each individually when little

olderbutwiser · 18/12/2023 21:15

My sisters were 8 and10 years older than me. Our relationship wasn't close as kids as they were at boarding schools from 13 but it all kicked in in my early 20s and we are very close now.

MissAtomicBomb1 · 18/12/2023 21:17

A slightly different perspective but there is a large gap between DH and his siblings- 12 & 17yrs!
From what he's said it was like being an only child as his siblings were in their teens whilst he was a child so not really interested in having much or a relationship.
They all have a great relationship now as adults and are really close. His mum died a couple of years ago but they weren't close and his older sister is very much a maternal figure

DragonMama3 · 18/12/2023 21:18

My eldest was 9 when he got a baby brother!

DragonMama3 · 18/12/2023 21:19

He was 11 when he gained a baby sister! He's not suffered.

Onceuponaheartache · 18/12/2023 21:37

There are 10 and 8 years between exdp's 2 and our joint dd.

Dd was jot planned, she was a minor miracle, I was told I couldn't conceive but we also used protection. Apparently the stubborn sausage decided she was meant to be.

I was hygely woreied how it would be given such a huge gap. But honestly it was amazing. They have the most amazing relationship and the first thing dss now 20 does when he is home from uni is ring to find out if dd is with me or their dad (we split a few years ago) and then appears to see her. He could be found with dd on his shoulders on Sunday so she could out the star om the tree as she refused to let her dad out it up til all 3 were together.

Don't get me wrong, for every great story like ours there are at least 2 horror stories. I know we are immensely lucky. However, we tried really hard to involve dss and dsd from the get-go.

Things like;
They weren't allowed to go to the scans but we bought extra prints for them
We asked them to help choose her name
When she was born she had bought them presents to say hello
I bottle fed for health reasons and we always encouraged them to hold her and feed her
They were completely grossed out by nappies but would happily fetch and carry
We made 1000% sure that they still got 121 time with their dad
If an activity wasn't practical we never said it was due to the baby. It was always cost, or prior plans and we would do it another time and stick to that.

Dss was my shadow when I was pregnant. I had the worst HG and that boy would stay up all night with me holding my hair out my face, getting me drinks (his dad worked nights) etc. He will honestly make the most amazing dad in his own right one day!!

It can work, it needs a lot of conscious choices to do or not do certain things, but for us it was amazing and still is!