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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
Crepid · 18/12/2023 20:44

I have a 10 month old. If I tried to pass them to complete strangers he would be completely stressed and overwhelmed and think I was a abandoning him.

If they thought keeping the baby was a wrong decision and too stressful then they don’t need to see your baby and ‘stress’ themselves out further

They’re right - you made your choice and they made theirs. They didn’t want you to have your child, they don’t now get to say they want to see them.

Hayst · 18/12/2023 20:45

An example of: Tosspot parents => tosspot son. How on earth can the parents, who have had at least one baby themselves, even entertain the suggestion that you do this.

As for saying expecting YOU to say sorry, they need to apologise to you. I’m sorry you are going through this crap. op!

Oh, and pre-kids I’d have probably thought you were being the unreasonable one, after kids - no way, 100% them!

Also: Re you doing irrevocable damage, THEY are the ones that could cause underlying psychological damage to your child if this goes ahead! Christmas is already a “different” day with loud/atypical/exciting/enervating things happening, but take you away (primary caregiver breastfeeding mum) and replace you with mental strangers (overhyped bio grandparents, little known bio dad) on this already unusual day, and I see all sorts of weird memories/potential anxieties being laid down in your kid…

Hard no from me, and a wish for you to never ever feel guilty about this. I wouldn’t want those tossers in juniors life anyway. Good luck!!

rhianfitz · 18/12/2023 20:48

You're absolutely right! Stick to your guns!

LeggyLegsEleven · 18/12/2023 20:50

He doesn’t sound like someone who would go to court or keep up with a visitation schedule anyway.
Id just ignore his silly messages.

DragonMama3 · 18/12/2023 20:53

Offer him and parents a visit at a contact centre. Cover your backside,

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 20:53

thelonemommabear · 18/12/2023 20:00

Playing devils advocate here

Your baby is 10 months. If he decided to take it to court a judge would consider that your baby is now presumably also on solids and would have been for the last 4 months a factor. So breast milk is not his only/main source of nutrition. I've seen cases where the mother has been told to express and that breastfeeding is being weaponised to keep the baby away from the father

I'd just tread carefully OP especially if he's the sort to get legal.

Have you seen any cases in the UK where the mother has been "told to express"?

If yes, in what capacity? Do you work in a relevant field or have you read reports somewhere? If the latter perhaps you could link to them.

My baby is 11 months old and barely eating any solids now and will not take a bottle. My carefully expressed milk has ended up in the bath or being fed to my toddler.

anyolddinosaur · 18/12/2023 20:53

Do not follow some of the ruder suggestions here. Instead point out that you have tried to facilitate a relationship between him and the baby but he and his parents are still strangers to the baby. It is a long journey for so young a child and would be distressing for them. Express the hope that their relationship will develop and a visit will be possible next year.

Keep sounding reasonable, centering the interests of the baby and making it clear you wont ever stop him seeing the baby. Then if he tried to take you to court you can show you've tried and he's being unreasonable.

Denimdenimdenim · 18/12/2023 20:54

Nope, nope, nope.

MeridianB · 18/12/2023 20:57

YADNBU. Stick to your guns on this.

Your baby is not a toy or a Christmas decoration that they can demand to have time with.

Make notes on every request and your offers of compromise.

And consider formalising everything at some point if you believe it would be beneficial for your child to have a relationship with their father.

oakleaffy · 18/12/2023 21:01

@confusedex2 No way are you being unreasonable.

You have invited them to see the baby at yours.. That is very kind, stick to that.

The baby will be distressed without you there, so no way.

wutheringkites · 18/12/2023 21:04

thelonemommabear · 18/12/2023 20:00

Playing devils advocate here

Your baby is 10 months. If he decided to take it to court a judge would consider that your baby is now presumably also on solids and would have been for the last 4 months a factor. So breast milk is not his only/main source of nutrition. I've seen cases where the mother has been told to express and that breastfeeding is being weaponised to keep the baby away from the father

I'd just tread carefully OP especially if he's the sort to get legal.

What cases?

This sounds like an urban family court legend to he honest. I mean, courts having no respect for a woman's body wouldn't be all that new but court ordered expressing? Fuck off.

Winnerwin22 · 18/12/2023 21:10

No no no no no no!

Do not feel guilty. These are not nice people. Your baby is not a possession. Your baby needs you, not them! It horrifies me you’d even consider leaving your baby with strangers who don’t know him, or his likes and dislikes and how to comfort him!
Tell them to F off. Stand firm for your baby’s sake :)

Saggypants · 18/12/2023 21:12

OP your instincts are spot on, please don't doubt yourself or feel you need to justify yourself further. Not on here, and not to those hypocritical arseholes who want you to hand over a your baby while apologising for ruining their lives by having him in the first place!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 18/12/2023 21:13

I see that your ex forwarded his parents’ message to you. I’d be concerned about that. Are they only hearing his side of the story and what have they said to you on the two occasions when you have seen them face to face? It might be that they do want to be involved grandparents but your ex is the problem.

In your shoes, I might try limited direct contact with the grandparents and see how it goes.

To be honest, I don’t think I would bother making an effort to get ex involved in DC’s life. From what you have described, he is, at best, a flake. He is unlikely to be a permanent, stable addition to DC’s life.

The sooner you accept that, the better. Lower your hopes and expectations and accept that he will breeze in and out of your DC’s life at his own convenience. Don’t make a big deal out of it, put the best spin on it for DC, just accept it because you can’t change it.

HermioneWeasley · 18/12/2023 21:13

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 19:15

In case it's relevant, both times the grandparents have seen baby it's been me that's travelled and made the effort. They've never come here or even met half way. They aren't elderly and both still work/no health issues etc.

Stop doing this

Nanaof1 · 18/12/2023 21:14

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 17:47

And that's how family lawyers like me make their money. Because contact in these kind of situations is refused for no good child-focused reason.

Show quote history

In THIS case, though, there are very explicit, child-centered, reasons why it is a bad idea.
A person needs to establish a relationship with their child and never put that child into a scenario that isn't centered and focused on what is best for that child.

So far, the only thing I notice is it would be best if OP only allows supervised (by an outside party) visitation until the "parent" shows they know how to act in the best interests of the child.

OP--Don't let your ex make you feel guilty OR bully you, no matter how hard he tries. Your FIRST responsibility is to that precious little child and there is NOTHING that your ex has shown that puts him into the category of caring about your child. The fact that they have nothing for your baby to keep them comfortable for a day, car seat, crib, highchair, diapers, clothes, toys, food etc. shows that they just want to TRY and disrupt your life for their amusement.
Be strong and though I hate the saying, "NO", is a complete sentence and the only one you need to tell your ex.

Easipeelerie · 18/12/2023 21:16

Ignore the “irreversible damage” comment. It will cause your child irreversible damage if they have to know these toxic people. Don’t ever have any contact with them again.

wronginalltherightways · 18/12/2023 21:17

Hard no.

He had to be bullied into contributing maintenance for HIS child, barely sees him while you do ALL the heavy slogging with the baby, and he wants to whisk it away for christmas to see his family.

Again, hard no.

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 18/12/2023 21:18

YANBU

No way this would work since you are breastfeeding. Unless you went too and I'm sure you have your own family to spend the day with.

You've given them plenty of chances to see the baby and they didn't.

Sodndashitall · 18/12/2023 21:22

Tandora · 18/12/2023 19:48

No way. this is not fair on the baby. She doesn’t even know him or family. If he wants contact it needs to start with a much shorter time and locally. 1 hour max and in familiar surroundings.

Show quote history

OK then insert the appropriate duration but the point remains. Tell.him what he can have rather than refusing what he asked for

OP can't insist the Dad pays maintenance but refuse absolutely all contact so has to allow something. So the point is just offer the amount Of time finds acceptable

Humbugg · 18/12/2023 21:23

There’s so many reasons why this is clearly a preposterous idea. How incredibly selfish of them to want your baby for a special day of the year. The baby they didn’t even want born.

no fucking way

Sapphire387 · 18/12/2023 21:26

Also let's pre-empt what happens when you stop breastfeeding. Because it is an added factor here, but it would not be appropriate to send a FF baby off either, they would still be bonded to their mum. Unless this bloke steps up hugely, you can't send your baby/toddler off with him, it's just not fair on the child, regardless of breastfeeding or not.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 18/12/2023 21:26

Aww, I know your torn.
Your breastfeeding, baby's 10 months, end of. You've given them option to come spend time with him. You would just be a nervous wreck if you agreed for him to go. Tell him he/his family needs to see him on a regular basis (with you there) for them to be trusted with your precious boy. That's it!
Good luck k x

GrannyRose15 · 18/12/2023 21:27

He is the baby’s father. If you ever want him to be a parent to that child then you have to compromise and allow him to spend time with baby. Christmas is exactly the time when you should let the child become a member of his wider family.

GrannyRose15 · 18/12/2023 21:30

Easipeelerie · 18/12/2023 21:16

Ignore the “irreversible damage” comment. It will cause your child irreversible damage if they have to know these toxic people. Don’t ever have any contact with them again.

And don’t ever accept any maintenance money from them.