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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
PurpleOrchid42 · 18/12/2023 20:04

kimchio · 18/12/2023 17:24

A child is for life not just for Christmas

Spot on

Crunchingleaf · 18/12/2023 20:05

OP you’re feeling guilty because your EX is twisting everything around on you. 10 months is peak stranger danger and they need to be around familiar people to manage this.
It’s Christmas so he thinks he can waltz in a play happy families. He can put on his big boy trousers and learn to be a parent.
Don fall into trap of doing it for him.
Cover your arse and communicate only in a format where you can have records such a text or email. Ask him how it would work, does he have what baby needs for trip, where will they stop, what is his solution to him being a stranger to the baby. Don’t say no straight out. Centre your child’s needs in your replies to him.

whynotwhatknot · 18/12/2023 20:06

also doesnt sound like he would want set dates and his parents are being pushy about christmas just so they can show off

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/12/2023 20:08

Christmas Day is meaningless to a ten month old they have no clue about the meaning of it

PurpleOrchid42 · 18/12/2023 20:08

I'm even more annoyed by the parents than I am by him, because they KNOW that this is wrong for a baby. Selfish, awful people who do not care about your lovely baby, but would rather put themselves first.

Namerequired · 18/12/2023 20:09

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 20:00

It’s the notion that he should only see the child at mothers house that is so unrealistic.

Show quote history

But that’s how it always starts out. It’s a baby. It’s the baby’s home. The baby has a bond with its mother but hasn’t built up one with its father. If he had been a big part of the child’s life from the start maybe that would be different, but he went 2 months in 10 not seeing the child at all, and other times sporadically. The best place to begin to build a bond with a child is where they are comfortable. Which as a baby is in their home, with their primary caregiver. Only then can you start to build on that.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/12/2023 20:11

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:17

They've said the reason they don't see the baby is they don't want to be around me. They think I owe them an apology for the "stress" I put them through when I was pregnant (they didn't want me to have the baby).
I never had anything to do with them when I was pregnant I spoke to them twice and they never tried to be involved. I'm in my 30s not a child and so is their son.

I get they don't want to see me but I've also been trying to get their son to build up a relationship with DC then he could take the baby on his own but he hasn't done this.

The thought of my baby being confused or upset on Xmas makes me so sad.

If they really cared and really wanted to see DC they'd come here wouldn't they?

Of course they would. They could all take him out for a quick walk or something if they don't want to hang out with you - but to be honest that would be incredibly rude of them. Just keep stating what you have offered and stop caring what these nasty non in laws say or think about you. I also have a similar age baby and similar circumstances and his dad is going to take him out for a walk in the pram on Boxing Day.

Kiopa · 18/12/2023 20:11

This is an insane suggestion. Whats he going to do when the baby starts crying in the car 2 minutes into the journey because shes been taken away from her mum? And then doesnt stop until she passes out with exhaustion? What about when she needs to eat? Its just crazy talk. The baby also doesn't know him or his parents from adam so its clearly not going to benefit her at all. You have been more than reasonable in offering for them to visit.

Livingtothefull · 18/12/2023 20:12

whynotwhatknot · 18/12/2023 20:06

also doesnt sound like he would want set dates and his parents are being pushy about christmas just so they can show off

True. They just want your baby so they can play the doting GPs to all their friends, with not a care for what is actually best for the baby. When they should be working on their DS to change his attitude and work at being a decent parent.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/12/2023 20:12

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:20

I don't even think my ex would know how to strap the baby seat in his car.

He also doesn't have any baby things at his or his parents house, nothing. So I'd have to send a travel cot, toys, highchair?

I have said my ex can't take him in the car until he's been to Halfords and had the car seat properly fitted by experts - he hasn't bothered doing this

Goodlard · 18/12/2023 20:12

@Collaborate so enlighten us how this having the baby for a couple of hours would work...

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/12/2023 20:14

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 17:41

I think YWBU not to let him see the child on his own for a couple of hours maybe. I presume father lives local to you and it's his parents who live 2 hours away.

A 2 hour return journey is too much for such a young child given the stage contact has reached.

Two hours with an unfamiliar man and no feeding?

carly2803 · 18/12/2023 20:14

GreekDogRescue · 18/12/2023 19:26

DOn’t accommodate these abusers and grow a backbone.

this ^

dont do this to your baby either ! confuse the baby, send them with strangers

not fair at all

hard no!! grow some and stand up for your baby "just because its christmas" is a bullshit reason

SpringleDingle · 18/12/2023 20:16

I say this in the nicest possible way but it’s time for you to Woman Up! You are a mum
now and one of the jobs of a mum is to advocate for their child. This means being able to put aside your feelings and do (and campaign hard for others to do) what’s in the best interests of your child. It’s hard! However you need to put aside what you want, put aside guilt, put aside others expectations and genuinely consider what is best for your baby.

What does a 10m baby need to thrive? Food, love, cleanliness, cuddling, security, safety, routine…. Does any of that get enhanced or harmed by baby’s dad taking her across country? Yes, things get harmed. Is it in the baby’s best interests then? No, it isn’t.

Your ex doesn’t have rights to see baby. Baby has the right to see his/her dad and wider family IF this can be achieved without compromising the fundamentals baby needs to thrive. Your suggestion of them coming to you meets this perfectly.

Stick to your guns, don’t feel guilty. You’ll have harder mum fights ahead!!

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 18/12/2023 20:16

Ex doesn't have rights. He has responsibilities. Of which he has shown none.. Dc has the right to know both parents.. So far your ex hasn't given your dc time to get to know him. That isn't your fault or your responsibility to nurture. You know your dc. Getting to know his dc is your way. Or no way.
Fuck Off covers a lot of bases here op.

BlueFlint · 18/12/2023 20:18

Absolutely ridiculous. Absolutely not. I wouldn't even entertain this idea. They're not thinking of what's best for the baby at all, just their own selfish wants.

VickyEadieofThigh · 18/12/2023 20:20

I don't even have children but - NO!

Starryskies1 · 18/12/2023 20:20

Nope child is breast fed it’s not viable. As a separated parent it’s frustrating as it’s hard to agree on routines etc. But going forward it’s about putting routines in place.

Howdidtheydothat · 18/12/2023 20:21

YANBU. Very naive of him and his parents should know better.
You have made a generous offer for them to come to you. Tell him that if he maintains regular contact throughout 2024 and DC is happy in his company, he can have DC for 1/2 day next year? It would be good for you and DC in the longterm if he can/does step- up.

Flowerpower2022 · 18/12/2023 20:21

OP you sound lovely. You absolutely have your baby’s needs front and centre of your priorities. I admire how you have attempted to involve DC dad and DC grandparents despite the back story and DC dad apparent inability to be a dad. All your instincts are spot on except the one that feels worried by their manipulations. You’ve offered to host them. That’s in your baby’s best interests. Anything involving baby being away from you isn’t. And don’t apologise. Please hold your nerve in the face of ridiculous manipulation. You are doing brilliantly. They need to make some adjustments to be part of yours and your baby’s lives. Although honestly it doesn’t sound like they don’t deserve to be. And maybe get some legal advice from the likes of Rights of Women around holding your boundaries going forward. These do not sound like nice people and they do not appear to have yours or your baby’s best interests at heart.

Tiredbarbie · 18/12/2023 20:22

They didn’t want you to keep your baby, offered you no support in pregnancy, he denied paternity and refused to be on the birth certificate. No this is not a situation in which you should feel the tiniest shred of guilt. Stay strong, your baby stays with you where they belong. No way would I have allowed this for mine when they were this tiny. I think the idea of putting it calmly and clearly in writing is an excellent one. Protect yourself and make sure you’re keeping that evidence. Hope you and your baby have a lovely first Christmas together xx

trippily · 18/12/2023 20:25

Absolutely not, who the fuck do they think they are?

His parents relationship with the baby is his problem, and I would tell him so. He can keep their threatening messages to himself and if he wants them to have a relationship to baby he'll have to grow the fuck up and be a father won't he.

Ap42 · 18/12/2023 20:28

Absolutely not! Let him take you to court for access to the baby. You have done as much as you can. Having been through the courts twice over access to the children, there is no way the courts would allow the ex to take the baby for length of time, whilst breastfeeding and having had so little involvement. Stand your ground and keep a record off all messages sent. I now only communicate with my ex via email so it's all in writing.good luck.

CacenCaws · 18/12/2023 20:35

No way!

REignbow · 18/12/2023 20:35

Please stop feeling guilty instead you should feel angry!

Your DC does not have a relationship with his parents nor much of one with your ex. How dare they demand that they have DC for half the day. How dare they demand that you apologise for getting pregnant!

This is babies first Christmas, so a pretty special one. DC should be with people that they love and have a relationship with. Meaning you/your family/friends.

Message him now and say that you have offered an alternative if he doesn’t like it, then he will not see the DC on Xmas day.

I would then temporarily block his number or turn off any notifications from him/his parents.

You are being very reasonable, so it is time to ignore them.