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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
samqueens · 18/12/2023 21:33

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

OMG OP - you are being more than fair, you have NOTHiNG to feel guilty about. Men often want to trot their kids out at “important” moments to make themselves look good but a baby is not a Christmas accessory.

You’re being so grown up and reasonable by offering to have them over and making the effort to offer them contact. Whatever they do (within reason) I think that’s a brilliant thing to do - and that it will ultimately provide you with the logistical as well as the moral upper hand, but it’s a long road to get there.

You might find it useful to read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? I think it’ll really help you navigate the guilt trips and stand firm in your own self belief.

Have a happy first Christmas with your little one 🎄

pontipinemum · 18/12/2023 21:38

No way! I don't think the baby would be happy at all. It sounds like they hardly know their dad.

If he isn't bothered about getting to know DC and building up to spending a few hours alone then no, he doesn't get to take the baby to show him off for a few hours at Christmas. Maybe take a picture for insta to show how good a dad he is 🙄

Also I bf until DS was 13 months at 10 months I still fed him when ever he wanted

InefficientProcess · 18/12/2023 21:42

GrannyRose15 · 18/12/2023 21:27

He is the baby’s father. If you ever want him to be a parent to that child then you have to compromise and allow him to spend time with baby. Christmas is exactly the time when you should let the child become a member of his wider family.

Oh piss off.

Utterly useless men always view their rights as about getting Christmas and birthdays and such like with the child they otherwise ignore and let down (because it’s not a special occasion where they can get attention by pretending to be super dad). Christmas Day is not an appropriate time for the first time the child has ever don’t time away from his mother.🙄

She should accept maintenance off him because it is his legal responsibility to pay for the child.

MRAs and ‘family lawyers’ (who don’t use the terminology solicitors in the uk do) are always full of dreadful ‘advice’ on these kind of threads.

This man hasn’t even bothered to apply for PR. He’s not going to take the OP to court about contact. He’s just treating the baby as a photo opportunity to show off to his family on Christmas Day. He’ll be unreliable and inconsistent as soon as it’s over.

Goodlard · 18/12/2023 21:47

GrannyRose15 · 18/12/2023 21:27

He is the baby’s father. If you ever want him to be a parent to that child then you have to compromise and allow him to spend time with baby. Christmas is exactly the time when you should let the child become a member of his wider family.

Don't be so ridiculous!

A 10 month old baby knows fuck all about Christmas and everything about being separated for too many hours from his breastfeeding mother.

I bloody hope you're not a grandmother, because that's a bad attitude and no grandchild deserves that.

How about the absent father spends a bit if time with his child in the child's home?

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 18/12/2023 21:50

Luckyduc · 18/12/2023 18:07

Why is he not in the birth certificate? It seems like you're the issue ...its his child too and really from the moment your child was born they should have been an agreement in place what days he has the child and what days you have the child. You're facing years of issues because you're both acting like children.

agreement in place what days he has the child and what days you have the child....and how does that work with a breastfeeding baby, mate?

wutheringkites · 18/12/2023 21:51

GrannyRose15 · 18/12/2023 21:27

He is the baby’s father. If you ever want him to be a parent to that child then you have to compromise and allow him to spend time with baby. Christmas is exactly the time when you should let the child become a member of his wider family.

Any family worth being part of would want to see this baby regularly and be concerned about the baby's wellbeing.

Demanding a long visit away from the mother 'cos Christmas' is a red flag family wise.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 18/12/2023 21:53

YANBU OP. It's a ridiculous request when the baby is breastfed. He's just too young. And not used to his father.

Boomarang · 18/12/2023 21:55

GrannyRose15 · 18/12/2023 21:27

He is the baby’s father. If you ever want him to be a parent to that child then you have to compromise and allow him to spend time with baby. Christmas is exactly the time when you should let the child become a member of his wider family.

Sorry, whaaaat?! I think we have found the Mother of Ex!

So you are actually suggesting after; 10mo of minimal or sporadic contact, refusal to attend the birth registrar to be on bc, and the other litany of insults father of DC and his family have delivered to OP and her child she now owes them Christmas with their baby? Although they campaigned against baby ever being born? Despite the fact that Mum is all he/ she has known… and then you suggest that she decline the minimal £ to feed and clothe their child?

Are you drunk/ on substances?!

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 18/12/2023 22:00

Op, I can tell you are a decent and loving mother.
My ds dad was an alcoholic and died when they were 6&9. They grew up without that "fatherly" love. It broke my heart. Try, for a while, to create that bond with your child and dads/family. BUT, only for so long and on your terms!! It would be detrimental to your child's emotional development to continue a dead end relationship.
Good luck hun x

Onlinetherapist · 18/12/2023 22:09

So you do all of the day to day care (which is very hard work, however lovely the baby is). Him and his parents then get to play happy families by ‘borrowing’ the baby to play with on a child’s most magical day of the year!

I think in these situations, it’s wise to consider first and foremost ‘is this in the child’s best interests?’ And a long round trip spent with virtual strangers in an unfamiliar environment with no mummy and no breasts doesn’t sound like much fun! Also your child is at that age they start to get anxious around unfamiliar people..
Your suggestion that they visit you is a great one.

KnittingKnewbie · 18/12/2023 22:15

He's not on the birth certificate? Excellent. Change your number. Or block him. Block his parents too. Give him an email address he can contact you on. See how much effort he'll actually put in to spending time with the baby when he has to work at it even a tiny bit.
Take note of the times he has actually seen the baby, the times you have offered and the times he's let you down on

Goldbar · 18/12/2023 22:16

GrannyRose15 · 18/12/2023 21:30

And don’t ever accept any maintenance money from them.

Show quote history

Children aren't "pay per view" 🙄.

Leavethebathalone · 18/12/2023 22:52

Also worth considering the precedent you are setting for following years. Imagine being a 2 or 3 year old with no Dad. Then suddenly on a day everyone has told you will be magical, you are carted off with intimidating strangers who don't know how to care for you and shove a camera in your face, demanding you smile with Daddy and give Grandma, who you don't remember a kiss. Contact should always be about the child and start small. Tell him if he's so serious he can start building a proper relationship in the new year, with regular small supervised visits.

Cakeorchocolate · 18/12/2023 22:53

Absolutely no way I would be allowing virtually no contact family (I use that word very loosely here!) to take my baby for hours, Christmas or not.

As you've rightly said, he needs to build a relationship with the child if he wants one. Not just expect hours with them because you had sex so he's a (reluctant) dad.

I'd tell him it's absolutely not happening this Christmas, but he's got 12 months to make next Christmas a possibility.
As for his parents I'd be having zero contact with them. They don't deserve any communication or contact with you after the way they've treated you.

Flatandhappy · 18/12/2023 23:09

As a mediator who has seen all kinds of good and bad behaviour around Christmas (mostly bad unfortunately) I would tell him to take a hike. Who on earth thinks it is reasonable to take a BF baby away from his mother for that length of time on any day without establishing a secure bond with the baby first. If he wants his baby to have a relationship with his family (which yes, baby does have a right to) he needs to put in the time and effort to make that happen. As someone else has pointed out short, regular visits are the way to go with babies. I would offer his family one short period of access during the holiday period with you present, a morning or afternoon. If they actually want to see baby they will take it, otherwise I would view it as an attempt to coerce and control. Do not feel guilty!

Shutthefookup · 18/12/2023 23:19

Babies are not just for Christmas.

He's living in la- la land to think a breast fed baby should spend 4hrs travelling time in a car on Christmas day added to the hours at his parent's house?

Tell him to jog on.

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 18/12/2023 23:38

Flatandhappy · 18/12/2023 23:09

As a mediator who has seen all kinds of good and bad behaviour around Christmas (mostly bad unfortunately) I would tell him to take a hike. Who on earth thinks it is reasonable to take a BF baby away from his mother for that length of time on any day without establishing a secure bond with the baby first. If he wants his baby to have a relationship with his family (which yes, baby does have a right to) he needs to put in the time and effort to make that happen. As someone else has pointed out short, regular visits are the way to go with babies. I would offer his family one short period of access during the holiday period with you present, a morning or afternoon. If they actually want to see baby they will take it, otherwise I would view it as an attempt to coerce and control. Do not feel guilty!

Well said

Nanaof1 · 18/12/2023 23:39

GrannyRose15 · 18/12/2023 21:27

He is the baby’s father. If you ever want him to be a parent to that child then you have to compromise and allow him to spend time with baby. Christmas is exactly the time when you should let the child become a member of his wider family.

Since she hasn't denied the father access to the child, your point has no meaning. She has EVERY right to not let her child, who is still BF, go off with a man who has barely seen the child, and has absolutely nothing owned by him to care for said child. To top it off, he wants to take the baby hours away, with no plan to feed child, no equipment to care for the child and to people who wanted the child dead in pieces parts.

If his family wants to see the child they wanted dead, they can come to where the baby is and visit.

Personally, you want my baby dead? The only time you'll see the child is with court supervised visitation. I would never trust them to not put the baby into the condition they wanted the baby to be in the first place, therefore relieving the worthless father and his disgusting family of any monetary consequences.

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 18/12/2023 23:46

YANBU, stand firm OP.

comfyoldcardi · 19/12/2023 00:06

Luckyduc · 18/12/2023 18:07

Why is he not in the birth certificate? It seems like you're the issue ...its his child too and really from the moment your child was born they should have been an agreement in place what days he has the child and what days you have the child. You're facing years of issues because you're both acting like children.

No. HE and his parents are acting like spoilt children.

heartofglass23 · 19/12/2023 00:07

Run, run & don't look back,

Let him go to court if he wants access.

Iizzyb · 19/12/2023 06:38

I'm thinking back to when my ds now 11 was 10 months. I would no way have let a near stranger take him round the corner let alone 2 hours away from me in a car with someone who didn't have the first clue about looking after babies let alone my baby.

OP please just ignore him or keep saying no.

Dc would be so frightened & upset without you for hours as well as hungry.

Also please don't contemplate going with ex. That sounds a horrendous idea.

Your dc will have a lovely Christmas with you and some Christmas wrapping paper.

Ex can ask for contact centre next year if he's bothered x

2mummies1baby · 19/12/2023 07:31

If I were you, I would absolutely stop encouraging a relationship between your baby and your ex and his family. They don't sound like they will bring anything positive to your baby's life at all.

Do not give in on this- you are the only person who has your baby's best interests at heart, sadly, so your baby is relaying on you to protect them and advocate for them.

mottytotty · 19/12/2023 08:03

They clearly think babies are just for Christmas.

Don’t reward their shitty thinking by letting them have the baby, even for an hour. Ex and his family have put in zero effort to deserve any time on Christmas Day.

What are your plans for Christmas Day? Just tell you have already made plans and won’t be around.

And it’s not your job to provide ex with a travel cot or nappies or food or clothes or anything.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 19/12/2023 08:40

Please do not let yourself be gaslit/guilted into doing what these unpleasant, unkind, people are demanding of you. You have offered a very fair compromise by offering for them to come and see your child on Christmas Day. If they don't take you up on it, they are clearly not interested in having a proper relationship with your child. Stick to your guns!