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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
InefficientProcess · 18/12/2023 19:40

I'm shocked that anyone on this thread is taking the useless tosspot sperm donor's side here.

Sadly I am not. Threads like this bring all the weird men’s rights/father’s rights types out of the woodwork.

Pookerrod · 18/12/2023 19:45

The only person the baby wants to be with is you. That’s true for all babies. They just want to be with their mum. The baby doesn’t know or care it’s Christmas. The baby doesn’t want to see grandparents or travel in a car for 2 hours.

Just put your baby’s needs and wants first. Nothing else matters.

Ionlylikedityesterday · 18/12/2023 19:45

Nope. Stand your ground and say no. You are not denying them anything as you have generously offered to host them so they can see your baby. If their priority was seeing the baby they would come round.
The priority for everyone including the grandparents should be the baby’s needs and comfort. The baby needs you, no/little travel and familiarity as in their own home, bed and comforts.

Goldbar · 18/12/2023 19:45

Tell them to jog on. Your baby is not a performing seal.

Strictlymad · 18/12/2023 19:47

So he’s willing to pick up a ten month old he barely knows, drive 2 hours factoring in the regular breaks a baby needs, take all the baby stuff, spend afew hours caring for the baby who will be incredibly upset with a bunch of strangers, no mummy and his comfort breastfeeding, then drive two hours back with more driving breaks…… firstly he’s absolutely deluded to think that’s a wise idea in the first place, secondly it would be so distressing for baby and not in his best interests, and thirdly it would make you as mum more than uncomfortable, so no absolutely not no way ever

trainboundfornowhere · 18/12/2023 19:47

It would be a no from me. Tell him that not only am I still BF but DS is now going through a fear of strangers phase. As you have up to this point failed to maintain a regular relationship with DS at the moment his fear of strangers includes you. I am however willing to facilitate regular contact at my home with you until I am satisfied DS is happy with you. Then and only then will I consider allowing you to take DS out without me.

Nicole1111 · 18/12/2023 19:47

Text him and say “babies are for life, not just for Christmas”.

Scottishskifun · 18/12/2023 19:48

OP your not in the wrong here your baby has no relationship with their dad and therefore it's not in your child's best interests.

I would however be doing a lot of arse covering/future proofing.
Write it all down in an email or text message (just make sure you screen shot or save the picture somewhere) which outlines your concerns that your baby has yet to form a relationship with dad due to sporadic visiting.
You wish to build up that relationship before taking baby on their own
Your baby is bf and therefore reliant on you
4 hours of travelling time in a car seat is not recommended within a day for a baby of that age.

You offer for them to come visit or meet half way during the festive period and wish to formalise regular contact for the future in order for that bond to be there.

He will likely send you an arsey response or similar......let him your not doing this for anything other then to cover the courts if required.

Tandora · 18/12/2023 19:48

Sodndashitall · 18/12/2023 19:38

You are over thinking this and reacting to him. Dont get engaged in the debate with him but just be clear on parameters. I suggest you put in writing what you are prepared to do. I think you could say:

baby is still breastfeeding so cannot be apart from me for more than 3 and absolute max of 4, hours. So you can have baby for 3-4 hours on Christmas day. Please pick up DC at midday and return by 4pm at the very latest (or whatever times suit). You will need to make sure you have a suitable car seat when you pick him up or I cannot let him go with you.

Where he goes and what he does is not your problem.

No way. this is not fair on the baby. She doesn’t even know him or family. If he wants contact it needs to start with a much shorter time and locally. 1 hour max and in familiar surroundings.

caringcarer · 18/12/2023 19:50

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

He's just trying to have everything on his terms. Only see the baby when it suits him. You are still breastfeeding the baby. The baby hardly knows your ex. It's not fair to baby to make it go away to a strange house with a Dad it barely knows, grandparents it doesn't know and no Mum and no breast milk. Don't feel guilty you have offered for them to visit baby on Xmas day they declined. Hold firm on this one.

Nevermind31 · 18/12/2023 19:51

Unreasonable to expect baby to spend 4 hours in the car.
unreasonable to expect to spend time with baby without ever being around the mother - you don’t just hand baby over to strangers.
you are denying baby family? Family are denying baby comfort and feeling safe. If they really had baby’s best interest at heart they would build up a relationship

Namerequired · 18/12/2023 19:57

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 18:42

That’s wholly unrealistic. You expect father at least twice a week to see the child at OP’s house for a lengthy period before he can see the child on his own? Food for the lawyers.

Show quote history

How is seeing your own child twice a week unrealistic? Talk about scraping the barrel. If you can’t commit to something so small, how are you going to commit to raising a child.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 18/12/2023 19:58

I have a 10 month old bf baby too. I wouldn't feel comfortable at all with him being away from me for half a day with (to him) strangers. Especially when I'm too far away to be there for him if he wanted milk.

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 19:59

InefficientProcess · 18/12/2023 19:02

The courts are most definitely going to agree that he should be seeing the baby in little, regular bursts to build up a relationship before he gets to bigger off hours away with her.

She’s 10 months old, breastfed and barely knows the man.

If only the ‘fathers’ rights’ type of posters could actually consider the child’s needs, rather than what is most convenient for men.

Show quote history

It might help if you were to see my initial post on this thread, which is that OP should consider allowing him a couple of hours. The majority of those replying on this thread seem to think that is too much. That’s unrealistic.

thelonemommabear · 18/12/2023 20:00

Playing devils advocate here

Your baby is 10 months. If he decided to take it to court a judge would consider that your baby is now presumably also on solids and would have been for the last 4 months a factor. So breast milk is not his only/main source of nutrition. I've seen cases where the mother has been told to express and that breastfeeding is being weaponised to keep the baby away from the father

I'd just tread carefully OP especially if he's the sort to get legal.

Tigger1895 · 18/12/2023 20:00

Am I correct in thinking he plans on spending 3 hours traveling from his home in the car to visit his parents and then 3 hours back to his own home and have the baby in the car for 4 hours?
Based on what you have said, Id half expect him to call and tell you he had a 1 beer but feels to tired to drive back, so you’ll have to come a collect the child.

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 20:00

Namerequired · 18/12/2023 19:57

How is seeing your own child twice a week unrealistic? Talk about scraping the barrel. If you can’t commit to something so small, how are you going to commit to raising a child.

Show quote history

It’s the notion that he should only see the child at mothers house that is so unrealistic.

Step5678 · 18/12/2023 20:01

OP it's quite simple. Just ask yourself, who's feelings are more important; your ex and his parents, or your baby? You are your baby's voice so do what's right for him.

At 10months old he shouldn't be away from you (seemingly the only caregiver he knows) and with virtual strangers for half a day, they need to build a relationship gradually. Anyone who cares for your baby's wellbeing will see this

AngeDough · 18/12/2023 20:01

If it helps, I don’t think it’s about being unreasonable, if you let your baby go it would be irresponsible and unsafe.
He doesn’t know how to manage a baby in a car, can’t feed your baby, doesn’t know your baby. You really can’t let the baby go.

InefficientProcess · 18/12/2023 20:01

Collaborate · 18/12/2023 19:59

It might help if you were to see my initial post on this thread, which is that OP should consider allowing him a couple of hours. The majority of those replying on this thread seem to think that is too much. That’s unrealistic.

Show quote history

The baby barely knows him and he lives over an hour away. She said he and his family could visit.

SlightlyJaded · 18/12/2023 20:02

No way.

Text or Email ex (suggest he passes it on to his parents) with all the billions of reasons on this thread why your position isn't going to change.

The irony of them wanting the unwanted baby on Christmas day - like it's a fucking novelty toy - is staggering.

Fuck them and fuck that.

pointythings · 18/12/2023 20:03

@Collaborate why? He's the one who moved an hour away. It would be unreasonable to expect visits at the mother's house to be a permanent thing, but as a means of establishing a bond and a routine, it's perfectly reasonable and it's what many separated couples do. This man hasn't even made the effort to start bonding with his DC. He's also refused to be there at registration and denied paternity. Choices have consequences.

debbs77 · 18/12/2023 20:03

Just to add he doesn't have rights. PR means parental responsibility. He can jog right on!

Livingtothefull · 18/12/2023 20:03

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 18:09

His parents have said that I have now "made a choice that will cause irreversible damage" (ex has forwarded me the text from them today).

I do feel guilty. I obviously want my baby to have a family.

I did the whole pregnancy on my own because their son was a useless, selfish sh*t. I suffered a lot and went through a lot alone as I had a high risk pregnancy.

They all justify this as it being my choice to keep DC.

Show quote history

I suggest keeping that threatening message from his parents on record in case it comes in handy further down the line. Any more messages like that and it could amount to harassment. Grandparents have no rights of access to their grandchildren, especially as through their own choices they have little or no relationship with your child.

The fact your ex forwarded you that text to upset you says a lot about him too, none of it good.

Maybe you should keep records of all the times you have tried to facilitate contact, just in case they ever dare to claim otherwise.

Please do not ever feel guilty, you have nothing at all to feel guilty about.

whynotwhatknot · 18/12/2023 20:04

absolutely not ad donmt you ever apologise either

what are they going to do go to court and say she got pregnant i didnt want it so she should apologise

tell them to do one