Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

[confusedex2]

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

absolutely, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck not.

they all sound like terrible, terrible people. Manipulative self serving assholes! Forget them all. Keep your precious baby safe with you and happy on the boob.

They have clearly shown themselves to be shameful, shameless scallywags. Asking you to apologise after you’ve looked after their DGC for 10 months without so much as help from their loser son. Ugh!

wishing you well, never let anyone guilt you into doing anything you’re not comfortable with regarding your baby. I could kick a hole through the door reading these messages

Absolutely not a chance so his parents didn’t want you to have the baby in the first place and now they want you to allow their son who is a stranger to your child take the baby to them for more than half a day with travel time
The baby is breast fed have the parents forgotten how that works
I can't believe they want an apology from you basically because you went through with the pregnancy
I take my hat off to you because I would of cut his parents off whilst I was pregnant stand your ground with them
Merry Christmas and best wishes for 2024

‘No.’ Then blank out the guilt trips. Now is the time to draw firm boundaries or you are setting up a dynamic where you let your ex call the shots. No one who cares about a baby would take them away from their comfort and safety on Christmas Day of all days. My parents are very involved and loving grandparents but they won’t be seeing baby over Christmas as we have other plans. We will celebrate as a family afterwards.

Extremely weird and manipulative to counter all of your points about him doing next to fuck all with ‘you knew you’d be alone.’ And then attempt to guilt trip you over access. It’s just a total mindfuck and if I were you I’d be a lot less accommodating about access going forward. Fix a visitation plan, through the courts if necessary and if he breaks it go for full custody with no/supervised visitation.

Oh this is so heartbreaking for you and your baby.
i agree, keep a record of absolutely everything. Go no contact, let the courts see you’re doing the best thing for your baby, that seemingly only you wanted!
your breastfed baby stays with you.
can see why he’s your ex, what a waste of oxygen. X

Have you ever heard of separation anxiety and the distress caused by taking a baby away from his primary carer for hours and leaving him with strangers?
This thread is really upsetting.

He’s only do this to get his own way .
Remember he has his own interests at heart he doesn’t have the babies .

His parent probably what to fuss around the baby at their house . Again this is about the grandparents abs the fathers wants not the babies needs .
Also OP you have wants and needs . You have stepped up and deserve to have those met he doesn’t .

Put your bath and yourself first and this doesn’t mean giving in to his selfish demands .

Nope you don't just get to take a baby you have no bond with. If he is serious about wanting to take the baby for long periods of time, he needs to build up a strong bond with her first and get used to caring for her. At 10 months, she will be having some solids and be old enough for a sippy cup and only a couple of months off having cows milk, so having a day or even 24 hours away from you is totally possible, but not just cold like that. You need time to work towards those transitions so she is used to different milk, sippy cup etc. If he seriously wants days with her, he needs to get to know her and help you work towards those transitions.

One of tge really shocking things on this thread is that an actual family lawyer is on the side of this dreadful man and his equally dreadful parents. No insight or empathy for the 10 month old baby at all.

They sound pretty horrible to be honest and I wouldn't want to leave my baby with them! Tell him no and that you're not discussing it any more. Then ignore any further messages!

His parents have no rights whatsoever and your ex sounds like he wouldn't know one end of a baby from the other. He wants the baby as a showpiece for Christmas Day, he's not interested in putting in the hard yards and building a real relationship.

Tell him to go piss up a rope. He can take you to court if he wants access.

Read up on separation anxiety in young children. It's very natural at your baby's age. It would be wrong to separate mother and baby at this stage

https://www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/toddler-tantrums-and-tricky-behaviour/clingy-babies-and-separation-anxiety-how-cope

Well they SAY they're a family lawyer. There's no proof of that, and even if they are, no indication of which country they are practicing law in.

What matters is what the baby needs, as pps have said. And they certainly don't need to be taken away from their primary source of love and comfort for several hours (including hours in a car) and handed over to a bunch of strangers.

The baby is 10 months old, as far as they are able to understand it :

The grandparents are strangers, the dad a virtual stranger
What is Christmas, it's just a day to the baby
They are unable to understand they're returning to their mother, they'll feel abandoned and probably be traumatised

Why can't these awful people understand this and have a bit of empathy? Bastards.

Oh and the grandparents have no rights anyway.

Get everything in writing OP and show you've offered contact before which has not been taken up.

Have you read the OP’s post where she says: “…… I've no luck expressing and baby does not like bottles I've tried believe me.”???

That's a good point. They would keep everything! Car seat, travel crib, diaper bag and supplies. I think they have no low they wouldn't stoop to hit, so OP needs to not give them stuff unless she has money to replace every single thing.

Don't dance around to this man's tune. He's so unreasonable it's laughable. His parents are a complete disgrace. Just say no and keep saying no. In fact, I would never let him have the child at Christmas because of the way he behaved when you were pregnant and the way he's behaved since. You are basically the child's only parent. He doesn't get to say that he has Christmas Day with his child when he does bugger all the rest of the time.

I wonder which relatives will be at the parents house that your ex and his parents want to show your baby off to like a performing monkey?

They do realise a child/grandchild is for life not just for Christmas?;talk about being a Disney dad.

Frankly at 10 months your baby hasn't a clue it's Christmas anyway,it's just another day to them.

I think a real come to Jesus talk is required in the new year regarding a proper pre arranged contact schedule built up over the course of the next 12 months to allow for time for the natural weaning off the breast.

Women. Guilt. It's what holds back in life. Well not me any more, I am happy to have reached the age where I'm a selfish cow and I don't care.

@confusedex2 If they want to see the baby on Christmas Day, they can drive to you. Under no circumstances should you take the baby on a 4-hour round trip visit to people who show you zero respect, zero consideration and zero kindness.

Tell your ex that the only place you and your DC will be on Christmas Day is your house and he can plan accordingly, within a time frame you set and with prior permission, so no surprises on that day.

I really wish you had people around you to help you deal with these idjits. It must be tiring and frustrating to deal with these wankers on your own.

Eerrm excuse me - BREASTFEEDING. That one word is all you need.

This.

Firstly, you need to remind yourself that nobody can MAKE you feel anything. You need to reframe the way you think about things and change your response to their entitlement.

Wait til Christmas Day. Send them a photo of a random baby from the internet with a Christmas hat and a message reminding them of the options they were offered that DID work for you and the kids.

I would explain than your child is not a prop to be used for their Instagram photos in an attempt to give the impression that they are a loving and involved family.

Then point out the lack of interest and input from DF and his family stating that they need to investigate what would happen if the kids travelled without car seats before trying to manipulate you with statements involving terms like “Irreversible Damage.” If EX was interested in being a parent they would HAVE a fucking car seat of their own. (Don’t mention taking yours. That’s not an option.) They would also have toys, feeding equipment, changing equipment and somewhere for them to sleep. There is much more “irreversible damage” from uninterested family members.

Then wait until the “poor me” messages start on Christmas Day and they share “heartbroken” photos of the baby in the Christmas hat.

On Boxing Day, respond to these messages saying “If you are as involved in the care of my child, why did you reject every single practical suggestion I offered up for you to see them? Also, if you are as involved and care as much as you want everyone to believe, how come you didn’t recognise that the photo you shared is a random kid from the Internet, and not your own child/grandchild? You haven’t even been involved enough to recognise your own kid.

It’s not his right, it’s a child, until an established relationship is settled, I wouldn’t be putting my baby under the duress of a 4 hour round trip either. Say no
offer what you have, offer to pop out for a walk when they are there, or to friends etc but why put a baby through that drive!

Did you know that I am, in fact, an internationally famous pop star?

Or maybe I am a gastroenterologist. Or a senior police officer. Or maybe I’m a nursery practitioner.

Anyone can say they are whatever they like on the internet.

Yes, of course anyone can say they are anybody, but that particular poster has been posting for years on the Legal board and generally seemed to be taken seriously. Clearly I am not the only person who has been successfully misled.