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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 19/12/2023 13:06

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.

it sounds like they've been doing a great job of getting in your head and making you think you are. please listen to what the vast majority of posters are telling you here. your ex and his parents are selfish, inconsiderate and do not have your baby's best interests at heart. tbh, your child would probably be better off having less 'family' in their life rather than these uncaring assholes.

if you are keen to deal with your ex for ever more (well the next two decades at least), and give him a chance to step up as a parent, then follow the good advice you've been given here - all communication in writing, offer regular slots for visits/ supervised contact - and don't hope for more. i don't think this guy will magically change into a wonderful child-centred parent, and i'm glad he's your ex now.

Sauvblanctime · 19/12/2023 13:42

confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 12:38

I have said no, but I guess what I was asking is if I was being unreasonable, as they are making me feel I am.

Just for more context, my ex is off work this week and next. He lives an hour away from me anyway, but he's actually gone down to his parents for this week and next.

I would have thought with his time off he may have wanted to spend some more time with our DC. I know he lives an hour away but if he really wanted to he could have popped down every day while he was off work for a few hours, he knows I'd never say no unless I had other plans.

But he's at his parents enjoying Christmas nights out with his mates, pantomime with his family etc.

Maybe this is normal and it is me.

If I dare say anything I just get "I knew I'd be doing it alone"

You’ve just answered your own question

are YBU not letting him take his baby 4 hours round trip away to see people he doesn’t know

dad has two weeks off and has made NO PLANS to see baby in this time.

YANNNNNNNNNNBU

he is BVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVUAACF

don’t feel guilty or question yourself again.

x

SavBlancTonight · 19/12/2023 14:01

If I dare say anything I just get "I knew I'd be doing it alone"

Just throw this back at him then...

Him: "You're ruining Christmas and the baby deserves to know its grandparents."
You "But I'm doing it alone" or "You keep telling me I'm doing it alone so that also means I get to make all the decisions and do it in a way that works for me."

I am logging off MN for today as there are just too many wanker men being written about on here and it makes me sad.

FictionalCharacter · 19/12/2023 14:28

Easipeelerie · 19/12/2023 12:45

When you’re tempted to doubt yourself, remember that he and they are being entirely unreasonable and you are being entirely reasonable. Try to ignore your feelings and focus on the facts.

Exactly this. And again: stop taking what he says seriously. You know you're right and he's wrong. Have more confidence in yourself.

samqueens · 19/12/2023 14:34

OP - as everyone here has said you are NOT being unreasonable, quite the opposite.

really recommend you download the Lundy Bancroft book on Apple Books/kindle app as your Christmas present to yourself, I promise it will help.

In general when trying to navigate this difficult situation on your own over the weeks/months/years ahead this is the perspective that really helped me…

“If my child came to me as an adult and questioned my choice in X situation, would I feel happy to explain it to her truthfully - do I think it would still seem reasonable in that scenario?”

For example

Child: Granny says she didn’t get to see my on my first Christmas because you wouldn’t let dad bring me to her house and you stopped them giving me presents.

You: I invited your grandparents and your dad to visit on your first Christmas Day and spend time with you, but they didn’t take up the offer. You were a young baby, fully breastfed and I felt that being with me was non-negotiable at that time.

Seems pretty reasonable to me!

I found this thinking very useful and hope it can help you too from time to time. It’s not about always making the ‘right’ decision - there isn’t always a right/wrong. It’s about growing confidence in your own position and making sure that your choices are based on a reasoned and fair approach which help form a basis for a strong and trusting relationship between you and your LO, rather than just “your dad’s a twat so it’s fine for me to do x, y, z” (as true as that may often be).

Don’t let them get in your head. Good luck 💐

InefficientProcess · 19/12/2023 14:35

Stop listening to him.

Create a new email account just for contacting him. Check it twice a week. Only communicate with him through it.

He’s not going to take you to court about contact. If he really cared about seeing his child, he’d have made arrangements to do so during his time off.

Instead he is demanding to have a trophy to show off on Christmas Day.

Maybe it’s not driven by his family. It may be that he feels his image with his extended family will be tarnished if he doesn’t show off the prop baby - they might all recognise that he’s an absolutely useless father who barely sees his child.

CarpetSlipper · 19/12/2023 14:42

He’s not on the birth certificate and neither he or his parents wanted the baby and if you ask for any support you get told you chose to do it on your own?
Tell them all to fuck off, your child will be better off without them.

LeggyLegsEleven · 19/12/2023 14:58

Was he going to pick you up on Christmas Day? So driving for 8 hours?

wronginalltherightways · 19/12/2023 17:14

He's actively using the 'I and my family didn't want you to have the baby' line every time you mention they're being unreasonable, essentially.

Stand firm with your No.

Enjoy your baby's first Christmas.

DragonMama3 · 19/12/2023 19:00

Quality not quantity op

Original poster
confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 19:02

LeggyLegsEleven · 19/12/2023 14:58

Was he going to pick you up on Christmas Day? So driving for 8 hours?

Not me, just baby.

It's not happening though, I've told him.

OP posts:
Joyjoy90 · 19/12/2023 19:18

What is wrong with these people? I'm sorry you're entangled with them, they sound like arseholes. Given the people involved here I would get some written custody arrangements in place so they are fair and enforceable. And keep meticulous records of everything.

Sjh15 · 19/12/2023 19:19

Nope nope nope. Sounds like that babies dad is practically a stranger and baby won’t be familiar with the house. If they can’t be bothered to turn up to things you invite them to then it’s on them that they don’t have that sort of relationship where they can have baby without you there yet

Hart92 · 19/12/2023 19:20

Nope! Regardless of the fact he has had sporadic contact so has no 'right' over special occasions. You're still breastfeeding and it's 2 hours away. 10 month old shouldn't be in a car for 2 hours without a break/ feed anyway. Just no on all counts. Stand your ground!

Jengagill · 19/12/2023 19:25

Absolutely not

Sjh15 · 19/12/2023 19:27

I’m not sure if this will help you op, my friend was going through similar with her ex and their parents re their child so she blocked them all on social media, her phone (including texts, wattsap, iMessage you know it) and instead created an email address solely for communication about the child and arrangements to see the child. She went through a lot and saw a solicitor who said an email address is enough. It helped her mental health so much not being harassed by them.

also, keep every single message re the fact they are implying or saying they didn’t want the baby. You’ll never know when you’ll need them.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 19/12/2023 19:31

Now block him until next year. He shouldn't get to keep spoiling your Christmas with the dc you wanted and love.

Blueblell · 19/12/2023 19:33

Say no! He wants to show his baby off to family at Christmas but hasn’t put the leg work in of building a relationship. It would be at the expense of your child’s happiness. Tell him to build a relationship and maybe next year

DragonMama3 · 19/12/2023 19:38

Does baby know him?

piccola15 · 19/12/2023 19:41

I was once in a similar situation. The court wanted my son's dad to build up gradually. Keep a log of when you have suggested contact and what has happened. The baby won't have much idea what is going on. They won't know it's Christmas and they are seeing their family. They will just be confused. My son is 11 now and has a good relationship with his Dad. They always go to his Mum's or grandma's because he doesn't have a suitable place to stay. My son finds the travelling hard even though his relationship with both parents is a good one and he understands what is happening. So I would say don't feel guilty. Just keep offering access at other times x

piccola15 · 19/12/2023 19:46

Oh and the official arrangement now is that we take turns each year; one has 48 hours till 4pm Christmas day and one has 48 hours from 4pm Christmas day onwards. But actually these days my son decides what he wants to do so will see his Dad for a longer time but never over Christmas day x

carolynbowden · 19/12/2023 20:00

I've just joined this site to say this: Tell him to absolutely do one NO NO NO NO and z off.

These men that think they can pick and choose when it suits them are a growing breed and waste of space.

NO NO NO NO NO

Enjoy your Christmas Day with you baby with 0 guilt please.

GGGGrrrrrrr

Bluebellsparklypant · 19/12/2023 21:06

Listen to your own instincts here OP. Try to ignore the guilt trip as you have nothing to feel guilty over. You are doing what is best for your baby. You do need to put some firm boundary’s in place and stick to it as this is your life going forward from now on (sorry I don’t mean that to sound harsh) if they know what you will accept and what you except by way of your baby, hopeful you can live in peace

GenevièveSapha · 19/12/2023 21:17

'Just ask him how it will work with breastfeeding...'

Have you heard of a breast pump and bottles... ???

Isthisit22 · 19/12/2023 21:30

ScrambledSmegs · 19/12/2023 09:54

OP I'm sorry to be blunt but grow a backbone and put your baby first.

You don't need to listen to anything these people say. You've made a perfectly reasonable offer, they can choose to take it up or not. Their call. Tell your ex that, repeat ad infinitum.

Don't subject your baby and yourself to a miserable day just to pander to the whims of people who never wanted him/her to exist in the first place.

This 100%.
don’t let your ex make you feel guilty. You are doing a great job bringing up a baby that he and his family keep openly telling you they don’t want. Don’t let them play with your precious baby like a prop at Christmas.
Minimise your contact with the ex- perhaps get another phone for him to message solely about agreed contact on set days.