Page 12 | Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

confusedex2 · 2023-12-18T17:04:33+00:00

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old. Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently. Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers. Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day. I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding. Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS). AIBU? Thanks

InefficientProcess · 19/12/2023 11:07

He's now asked if maybe I could just bring baby to them for a couple of hours in the evening so they can see her, with me there too.

How about he offers to bring them to visit the baby?

If he or they really cared, they’d put themselves out. They’re just making demands and expecting you to fit in with what is easiest for them.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 19/12/2023 11:08

Broken hearts? People who didn't want you to have your dc? Bonkers..

FictionalCharacter · 19/12/2023 11:09

confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 09:08

My ex says that the family have Christmas presents for the little one and if DC doesn't go it's going to break their heart.

None of the extended family have ever met the baby, only his parents.

When I've reminded my ex that I do 99.9% of the day to day care for our little one, and that it seems really unfair to be placing these demands on me for Xmas- he has said that I can't complain about doing all the work as I knew I'd be alone as they didn't want me to have the baby... he said I need to make it make sense

Oh please PLEASE stop listening to him. They are not going to be heartbroken. He's manipulating you.

Loads of us are telling you to just say no to him. You know that what he wants isn't right. Dozens of people on here are backing up your point of view.

Stand up to him on this or he'll have broken you down this time and his demands will get worse. I showed you the broken record technique. Use it, instead of letting him argue with you and break you down. "No, I'm not doing that". End of.

Pluviophile1 · 19/12/2023 11:09

confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 11:01

I'm not defending them here at all just trying to be honest so I can get the best advice- I don't think the family are on social media at all so I don't think it's that? But maybe they want to tell their friends they saw baby on Xmas not sure?

My ex is on social media but he's never posted anything about the baby so I think anyone looking at it who doesn't know him wouldn't know he has a child at all. Which is fine I also don't really post my child on social media or use it much.

My ex has been getting better lately with contact he probably now sees DC maybe 4 times a month? Which is a lot better than it has been. Always with me there though or at my house. When he does see DC he appears to be pretty good with them, he does change nappies, play etc.

Although if I was only being a parent a few hours a month I'm sure I would also be highly enthusiastic and fabulous for that entire time.

He's now asked if maybe I could just bring baby to them for a couple of hours in the evening so they can see her, with me there too.

I honestly don't really want to travel on Xmas day as I can't relax then either. I also feel like it might be quite awkward now with the demands I've had at me for apologises etc.

So their alternative is still for the baby to spend 4+ hours in the car? 🙄@They are not thinking of the baby, only themselves.

I would reply saying 'No, I cannot bring the baby to you. My offer of seeing the baby at my place still stands'. It is not unreasonable for you to refuse to put your baby through all the travelling and not inconvenience yourself on Christmas Day.

Pluviophile1 · 19/12/2023 11:12

confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 11:01

I'm not defending them here at all just trying to be honest so I can get the best advice- I don't think the family are on social media at all so I don't think it's that? But maybe they want to tell their friends they saw baby on Xmas not sure?

My ex is on social media but he's never posted anything about the baby so I think anyone looking at it who doesn't know him wouldn't know he has a child at all. Which is fine I also don't really post my child on social media or use it much.

My ex has been getting better lately with contact he probably now sees DC maybe 4 times a month? Which is a lot better than it has been. Always with me there though or at my house. When he does see DC he appears to be pretty good with them, he does change nappies, play etc.

Although if I was only being a parent a few hours a month I'm sure I would also be highly enthusiastic and fabulous for that entire time.

He's now asked if maybe I could just bring baby to them for a couple of hours in the evening so they can see her, with me there too.

I honestly don't really want to travel on Xmas day as I can't relax then either. I also feel like it might be quite awkward now with the demands I've had at me for apologises etc.

Argh. Replied twice.

WellThatWasUnfortunate · 19/12/2023 11:12

he says the day to day is your own fault as they didn’t want you to have the baby?

id tell him to fuck off, if you don’t want the baby day to day you can’t have him at Christmas.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 19/12/2023 11:19

Evenings with one year olds are not usually fun. What time does your baby go to bed?

here’s an idea for an answer “ha ha ha, no”

as PP said, they haven’t made an effort, they don’t care, they won’t care, they have been clear about that. Interest inf that it’s all coming from him, isn’t it?

i bet he’s making their whining up. If I was a granny that wanted to see her estranged and previously unwanted grandchild I’d go to the trouble of sending you a nice Christmas card and apology, or maybe even a text. She’s not doing that, because it’s too much trouble, because you two are not worth it. Which is cruel and unfair and inhumane but some people are dicks.

Just stop indulging him. Make your own plans and have a lovely day with your wee one.

“ha ha ha, NO”. Practice in the mirror and stop letting him waste your time with this nonsense. It’s perfectly simple, Breastfed babies don’t soend time away from their mum. If they want to visit that’s great, otherwise, no.

Olika · 19/12/2023 11:26

As someone suggested earlier just respond children are for life, not Xmas.
They want to start playing daddy/grandparents after all the shit they have put you through, they can start next year step by step.

Notimeforaname · 19/12/2023 11:37

He's now asked if maybe I could just bring baby to them for a couple of hours in the evening so they can see her, with me there too.
Nah, just tell them "Since I went to you the last 2 times, I'm goin to stay here for xmas and you can come to me if youd like to".
Done. They wont agree to it and you'll probably be left alone for xmas. If they ask again, repeat the same sentence. Dont budge.

Notimeforaname · 19/12/2023 11:39

So their alternative is still for the baby to spend 4+ hours in the car? 🙄@They are not thinking of the baby, only themselves.

This is also a very fair point. Not much of a first xmas for a baby.

Leavethebathalone · 19/12/2023 11:42

I wouldn't put you and the baby through that on Christmas day, they'll expect it every year. You won't be able to enjoy yourself or have a drink and all that travelling isn't fair.

PillowRest · 19/12/2023 11:48

Prioritise your baby. These people clearly don't care, they are likely the kind to want a few fun moments in the early years then disappear once baby is past the cute stage.

It's not worth your baby spending 6+ hours confused and upset, not able to feed properly (assuming like a lot of breastfed babies is still fairly reliant on milk at that age), 4 hours of which in the car with someone who can't even be bothered to see the baby so would likely turn music up and keep driving if baby is crying the whole way.

You have to stand up for your baby. If it wasn't something you'd agree with letting any other distant relative do then don't do it. These people haven't made any effort so by their choice the baby doesn't know them more than any other stranger, and on top of that they don't even seem like nice strangers.

PillowRest · 19/12/2023 11:53

Offer for them to visit you on Christmas eve or boxing day. If they so desperately want to give presents to the baby they've not bothered with until now then they'll surely be happy to travel.

Sauvblanctime · 19/12/2023 11:56

@confusedex2

no is a full sentence lovely.

if they want to see baby, they can come to you

MadeForThis · 19/12/2023 12:14

They are setting you up to fail.

They knew you wouldn't get the baby spend Christmas Day with strangers. They just need to be able to tell themselves that it's all your fault. That they try to see the baby but you stop them.

They don't want to be real family to the baby. They want to show him of to extended family and social media, then ignore you both for another year.

Block them and live your life with the baby.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 19/12/2023 12:25

Imo just send them stock pics of 'A 'baby... They care not a jot..

Rachaelrachael · 19/12/2023 12:29

This is giving me the rage!!
OP just say no!
I wouldn't do a 4 hour round trip on Christmas day to visit anyone, never mind these idiots who do not care about you or your baby.
This is your first Christmas with your lovely baby, why are you even giving this any head space?

Just say NO, leave the door open for them to visit you, then turn your phone off. Done.

Original poster

confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 12:38

I have said no, but I guess what I was asking is if I was being unreasonable, as they are making me feel I am.

Just for more context, my ex is off work this week and next. He lives an hour away from me anyway, but he's actually gone down to his parents for this week and next.

I would have thought with his time off he may have wanted to spend some more time with our DC. I know he lives an hour away but if he really wanted to he could have popped down every day while he was off work for a few hours, he knows I'd never say no unless I had other plans.

But he's at his parents enjoying Christmas nights out with his mates, pantomime with his family etc.

Maybe this is normal and it is me.

If I dare say anything I just get "I knew I'd be doing it alone"

OP posts:

MargotBamborough · 19/12/2023 12:43

confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 12:38

I have said no, but I guess what I was asking is if I was being unreasonable, as they are making me feel I am.

Just for more context, my ex is off work this week and next. He lives an hour away from me anyway, but he's actually gone down to his parents for this week and next.

I would have thought with his time off he may have wanted to spend some more time with our DC. I know he lives an hour away but if he really wanted to he could have popped down every day while he was off work for a few hours, he knows I'd never say no unless I had other plans.

But he's at his parents enjoying Christmas nights out with his mates, pantomime with his family etc.

Maybe this is normal and it is me.

If I dare say anything I just get "I knew I'd be doing it alone"

You are not being even the slightest bit unreasonable.

Ask yourself this.

What is in your baby's best interests on Christmas Day?

Doing a four hour round trip in the car to spend two hours being passed around between people he has pretty much no relationship and completely messing up his routine?

Or staying at home with his mum?

The only person whose welfare you are responsible for is your baby.

Don't compromise your baby's welfare, even for one day, for the sake of these people.

Is your ex paying maintenance?

SunRainStorm · 19/12/2023 12:44

Oh wow- fuck that whole horrible family.

You're on your own, you get no support- so you call the shots.

Don't question your decision for one moment, you did the right thing by DC.

Stay strong OP. Your baby is lucky to have you.

Easipeelerie · 19/12/2023 12:45

When you’re tempted to doubt yourself, remember that he and they are being entirely unreasonable and you are being entirely reasonable. Try to ignore your feelings and focus on the facts.

Starlightstarbright2 · 19/12/2023 12:45

I am glad you said no .

i would say him and family are welcome to visit Boxing Day but you expect to be respected in your own home .

He isn’t really interested just block out the white noise ..

there was no reason to forward the text other than to try make you feel bad .. so simply grey rock this stufff.

if he wants to be involved let him to the chase to see baby you have enough to do - if they want to see the baby they travel . It isn’t up to you to do everything

thisisasurvivor · 19/12/2023 12:53

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:17

They've said the reason they don't see the baby is they don't want to be around me. They think I owe them an apology for the "stress" I put them through when I was pregnant (they didn't want me to have the baby).
I never had anything to do with them when I was pregnant I spoke to them twice and they never tried to be involved. I'm in my 30s not a child and so is their son.

I get they don't want to see me but I've also been trying to get their son to build up a relationship with DC then he could take the baby on his own but he hasn't done this.

The thought of my baby being confused or upset on Xmas makes me so sad.

If they really cared and really wanted to see DC they'd come here wouldn't they?

Can you block them all and ask for these requests to go through a solicitor

Send your solicitors details?

They are very abusive
This is not ok op xxxxxxxxx

Leavethebathalone · 19/12/2023 13:00

confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 12:38

I have said no, but I guess what I was asking is if I was being unreasonable, as they are making me feel I am.

Just for more context, my ex is off work this week and next. He lives an hour away from me anyway, but he's actually gone down to his parents for this week and next.

I would have thought with his time off he may have wanted to spend some more time with our DC. I know he lives an hour away but if he really wanted to he could have popped down every day while he was off work for a few hours, he knows I'd never say no unless I had other plans.

But he's at his parents enjoying Christmas nights out with his mates, pantomime with his family etc.

Maybe this is normal and it is me.

If I dare say anything I just get "I knew I'd be doing it alone"

He can't have it both ways, he's either an involved parent or not. It it be so damaging for your DC as he grows up to be told, 'not my problem, I told Mum to abort you'.

Leavethebathalone · 19/12/2023 13:01

But make sure you keep a record of those messages incase he ever does take you to court. Messages showing he doesn't want active involvement and also ones showing you offer contact. I highly doubt he ever would though.