Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

[confusedex2]

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

My ex says that the family have Christmas presents for the little one and if DC doesn't go it's going to break their heart.

None of the extended family have ever met the baby, only his parents.

When I've reminded my ex that I do 99.9% of the day to day care for our little one, and that it seems really unfair to be placing these demands on me for Xmas- he has said that I can't complain about doing all the work as I knew I'd be alone as they didn't want me to have the baby... he said I need to make it make sense

YOU don't need to do anything except look out for your baby. He, and they, are being ridiculous. This is not about the baby or about Christmas.

You are correct - if they don't want a relationship the rest of the year, they don't get to demand the baby at Christmas. They all sound manipulative. Good that you are away from them and good that your baby is away from them. This is not a "good" family for your baby - actually the opposite.

Honestly, so what. If they were that bothered they would have made some effort before, not just for Christmas Day. We’re they heartbroken last week, I guess not. Are they going to go back to ignoring you afterwards.
The baby isn’t there to validate their Christmas experience.

Say THEY can come visit over the holidays for a short time. If they don’t come that is entirely their problem.

Your ex is obviously clueless to think this would be in your child's best interest. Tell him that he needs to make the effort to build a relationship with your child before long visits away from you at Christmas or he can jog on.

Regarding his family, I do wonder if he has lied to them and they don't realise he is actually a stranger to his child. Either that or they are nuts and best avoided.

I agree with the poster that you don't need to do anything.

But if you want to respond I'd say "you don't want the baby, and have no interest in him the rest of the time, so why Christmas? You need to make THAT make sense"

Twat

This is giving me the rage! Stop letting this man and his family manipulate you.

Tell him you are willing to discuss a consistent weekly contact schedule in the new year, that can build up to him spending more time with his baby and that fits around baby’s care needs/ feeding schedule.
Then just go grey rock.

Do not reply to any more texts about Christmas. Enjoy your Christmas OP!

Your ex pisses me off so badly!! He and his family didn't/don't want this child in the first place so making these demands for Xmas is just mad. Just tell him NO and ignore him.

Reply with what @CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson said. He can make sense of that. Twat

OP don't be manipulated by your ridiculous ex.

Tell him to get in the bin and you enjoy a lovely Christmas with your DC.

OP, I think you have to accept that nothing this man says is rational. Whether or not he is doing this on purpose or whether he's just entirely deluded, it's impossible to say. But you need to hold firm - he is a complete and utter ass and sadly, his family are not much better.

Oh pull the other one.

These are the people who wanted you to abort your baby, yes? But now their hearts will be broken if they don't get to take your child away from you for a large part of Christmas day, causing distress and confusion for your child, so they can play at being loving grandparents?

Let their hearts be bloody broken.

Not your problem.

Your ex's parents don't have any right to a relationship with your child and you are under no obligation to facilitate one.

Here's a question. Are you in a position to change your phone number? What you need is a regular phone number and a very basic cheap phone with a different number which your ex can use to communicate with you.

That way you can continue to communicate with everyone else in your life without being harassed and bullied by your ex and his family.

You use your second phone to communicate with your ex in very basic terms about contact. You offer him two hours every other Saturday afternoon in your presence for now, take it or leave it, and you use that phone number only for the purposes of communicating with your ex every other Friday about whether he is going to turn up tomorrow or not. Do not make yourself or your baby available at any other time.

Do NOT let this man get in your head. It takes TWO people to make a baby and therefore TWO people have responsibility for that child. Him not wanting you to have the baby doesn’t mean he gets to skip responsibility when it suits him, his responsibilities started when you had sex. Since he’s decided to not meet the basic expectations of parenting on a regular basis he does NOT get to pick and choose when he sees your child. Especially when that means sending your child with people who are basically strangers who did not want you to have the child, haven’t put the effort in yet now claim it will ruin their Christmas if they don’t see your child. You know what is right for your baby. Trust your gut! Draw a line under this request once and for all. Tell him in writing it’s a no for the following reasons (explain them all) and that if he wants to work towards special occasions in the future he needs to step up. Outline what you’d need to see from him to feel confident he can take your child off for contact with his family. Then if he keeps asking say I’m not discussing this any further. If he keeps asking do not even respond.
You’ve got this mama 💪🏻 Have a lovely first Christmas with your baby.

OP I'm sorry to be blunt but grow a backbone and put your baby first.

You don't need to listen to anything these people say. You've made a perfectly reasonable offer, they can choose to take it up or not. Their call. Tell your ex that, repeat ad infinitum.

Don't subject your baby and yourself to a miserable day just to pander to the whims of people who never wanted him/her to exist in the first place.

@confusedex2 :you need to also make it clear to ex that his parents have no rights to baby!!!! If you do allow him to take baby at all then it is up to him to provide high chair and travel cot as well as car seat!!! if you send yours, I think they will try and keep baby overnight! that is not fair to baby to be left with strangers at all!! I would not be making any effort at all. if ex does not want to see baby then so be it!! his loss.

If your ex and his parents were as desperate to see the baby as much as they say they are, then they would be jumping at the chance to come and see baby at yours. This is all just a power play. The grandparents views and feelings are totally irrelevant.

Repeat your offer of them visiting baby at yours between x o'clock and x o'clock on Christmas day. Say that it's great that your ex wants to form a relationship with baby and that you will contact him in the new year to make a plan. Then ignore further messages/pressure/threats about Christmas. And no guilt from you. These people are awful.

In no universe would this be happening. Don't feel guilty op. You baby will have family IF they want to act like family which means acting in the best interests of the child and being respectful to their mother. Hell would freeze over before I apologised to them for having my baby. I hope for everyone's sake they come round as DC grows up, but if not you are all your little one needs x

Right and them not wanting you to have the baby broke your heart

he’s a manipulative twat

Ignore him, he's talking through his hat. As they didn't want you to have the baby in the first place, they have absolutely no right to pick and choose when they want to see the baby, or to dictate to you what you should do at their convenience. As someone above said, it's not pay per view. Don't doubt yourself at all, you are allowing them too much space in your head. They don't need to be there!
I honestly think you should re-think your position and from now onwards, think of yourself as the only one responsible for your child and therefore act in yours and the baby's own best interests. Don't expect anything from any of these people and don't give them any concessions, either. It doesn't sound to me as if they are thinking of anyone but themselves and their own convenience.
Look after yourself and have a lovely Christmas with just you and your baby and whoever of your friends you choose to spend time with.

No way on earth I'd send my baby away with strangers for hours on any day, let alone Christmas Day. YANBU stand firm!

idiotic man.

Then he cannot complain that he doesn’t get to take baby on his own.
it doesn’t really matter if it breaks family’s heart - none of them are thinking about the baby.
YOU don’t need to make anything work.
exactly, I knew I was going to be on my own, which also means I get to make the decisions on what is best for my baby on my own. Her going off with strangers and spending 4 hours in the car us not it.
you knew that you were not supportive- don’t turn around now and make claims

break their heart oh give me strength! This the family that wanted the baby aborted and having bothered two cents for the last ten months- how on earth can not giving a pressie break their heart! They just want to look good on sm. stay strong and say no!

I'm not defending them here at all just trying to be honest so I can get the best advice- I don't think the family are on social media at all so I don't think it's that? But maybe they want to tell their friends they saw baby on Xmas not sure?

My ex is on social media but he's never posted anything about the baby so I think anyone looking at it who doesn't know him wouldn't know he has a child at all. Which is fine I also don't really post my child on social media or use it much.

My ex has been getting better lately with contact he probably now sees DC maybe 4 times a month? Which is a lot better than it has been. Always with me there though or at my house. When he does see DC he appears to be pretty good with them, he does change nappies, play etc.

Although if I was only being a parent a few hours a month I'm sure I would also be highly enthusiastic and fabulous for that entire time.

He's now asked if maybe I could just bring baby to them for a couple of hours in the evening so they can see her, with me there too.

I honestly don't really want to travel on Xmas day as I can't relax then either. I also feel like it might be quite awkward now with the demands I've had at me for apologises etc.

And just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your kind words and support as well, it means a lot.

I'm trying to do my best in a difficult situation, very hard to know what's right sometimes.

Just say no.

They can come and visit the baby with their son for a couple of hours at your convenience, or not at all.

They have no right to ask you to do a four hour round trip on Christmas day so they can play Disney grandparents to the child they wanted you to abort, with whom they have no relationship.

funny how his extended family’s hearts have been absolutely fine with not seeing the baby in the last 10 months.

If they cared, they’d have made the effort. Not waited til Christmas Day and wanted an extra decoration for the event.

STBXH’s extended family have never met our DS, who is 3 years old now. Sometimes STBXH tried to pull emotive bullshit about this nonsense (this year his martyr-piece is that he’s not seen his brother for a year, wah! Wah!) as I suspect even he is coming to the realisation that, if his siblings gave a fuck about meeting their youngest nephew, they’d have visited him at some point in the last 3+ years. So he’s pinning his sympathy act around how he hasn’t had the chance to drive down and visit his brother in the last year.

It’s all bollocks. People who come out of the woodwork making demands and expecting to be the centre of attention only on special occasions are just chancers. There’s no reason why they couldn’t visit on a wet Saturday afternoon in February.