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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a mum would get flamed for this?

135 replies

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:47

Disappearing on a bender for 18 hours, not getting up for the school run then staying in bed all day hungover.

Why is it different for dads than it is for mums? I honestly wouldn't dream of behaving that way. I know the people around me would judge me massively and I'd be called a shit mum. Plus I'd feel immensely guilty for not pulling my weight for my kids.

I'm sick of society letting dads get away with unacceptable behaviour and leaving the mothers to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:
merrymerrychristmasall · 18/12/2023 10:50

Ummmmm….

Original poster
redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:50

@merrymerrychristmasall ?

OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 18/12/2023 10:50

Who is saying it’s different for dads? Is this based on a thread here or something in your own life?

Northernparent68 · 18/12/2023 10:51

i think people disapprove when Dad’s do it

Jessforless · 18/12/2023 10:52

I don’t think anyone thinks it’s okay for dads to do this.

Most people I know have a very fair and equal split of going out (not 18 hours though) and having the odd lie in.

Original poster
redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:52

Anoisagusaris · 18/12/2023 10:50

Who is saying it’s different for dads? Is this based on a thread here or something in your own life?

Because it clearly is different for Dads. From experience in my own life and also people I know, their partners are pretty much useless and get away with behaviours that mothers would be judged for

OP posts:
Neriah · 18/12/2023 10:53

I disapprove when anyone does it.

Barmecide · 18/12/2023 10:53

Where do you live where it’s acceptable for parents of either sex to render themselves incapable of parenting because of alcohol?

Alargeoneplease89 · 18/12/2023 10:54

My dh would dream of doing that, no idea who all these men are?! I don't know one that would.

Nochoiceleft · 18/12/2023 10:54

My partner isn’t like this and nor are any of the dads that I know.

SpringleDingle · 18/12/2023 10:54

Well that would be a dumping offence in any boyfriend / partner of mine!

TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 10:55

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:52

Because it clearly is different for Dads. From experience in my own life and also people I know, their partners are pretty much useless and get away with behaviours that mothers would be judged for

Show quote history

Who lets them get away with it?

It's certainly no different for dads in my world, they'd definitely be judged for that sort of behaviour.

mindutopia · 18/12/2023 10:55

This wouldn't be acceptable in my house. Dh was out with a friend last night. He and the friend both up and out at 7am this morning - friend to go to work, dh to come home and spend the day with the kids while I work.

That said, and speaking from personal experience, I actually know a number of mums who have done exactly that. But there is usually a lot more shame around alcohol abuse for women than for men (more of a 'boys will be boys' attitude). There wasn't judgement because it was very carefully hidden and a lot of shame involved.

maddening · 18/12/2023 10:55

Is this a particular dad?

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 10:55

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:47

Disappearing on a bender for 18 hours, not getting up for the school run then staying in bed all day hungover.

Why is it different for dads than it is for mums? I honestly wouldn't dream of behaving that way. I know the people around me would judge me massively and I'd be called a shit mum. Plus I'd feel immensely guilty for not pulling my weight for my kids.

I'm sick of society letting dads get away with unacceptable behaviour and leaving the mothers to pick up the pieces.

If there is a history of it why have a child or even still be with that person?

When you say get away with by whom?

Hipnotised · 18/12/2023 10:55

@redcar28 if that's your partner then LTB.

cariadlet · 18/12/2023 10:56

I don't know any men who behave like this.
You must be very unlucky to have a social circle or to live in an area where this is commonplace.

ExcitingRicotta · 18/12/2023 10:56

Whilst I agree that dads do seem to get more praise/appreciated for doing simple parenting tasks I don’t agree that the sort of behaviour you’ve described is approved of at all in men or women.
That said, all parents need to let loose occasionally!

Maray1967 · 18/12/2023 10:57

Nochoiceleft · 18/12/2023 10:54

My partner isn’t like this and nor are any of the dads that I know.

Same here. My DF and uncles didn’t do it decades ago either. I would not have married someone who does that.

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/12/2023 10:58

Society does have a higher expectation of mothers. I'm not sure why some pp's are pretending that isn't true.

At the same time though, society as a whole also enables the behaviour. Fathers are excused, they have low expectations, they don't parent or take equal responsibility because they ''help'' and far too many women accept having a useless husband/partner.

Original poster
redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:58

Honestly those who have lovely DH's, you're so lucky. What I would give for one of those!

Even my own Dad acted the same way when I was a child, so it's nothing new to me. I've come to the realisation that I am basically living the same life as my mum did all those years ago.

OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 18/12/2023 10:59

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:52

Because it clearly is different for Dads. From experience in my own life and also people I know, their partners are pretty much useless and get away with behaviours that mothers would be judged for

Show quote history

Definitely not the case in my circles. In fact my friends would socialise more than their husbands.

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 11:00

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:58

Honestly those who have lovely DH's, you're so lucky. What I would give for one of those!

Even my own Dad acted the same way when I was a child, so it's nothing new to me. I've come to the realisation that I am basically living the same life as my mum did all those years ago.

It's not luck it's being with a fully grown adult

I would not put up with this and never have had too, it is nothing to do with luck

TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 11:00

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/12/2023 10:58

Society does have a higher expectation of mothers. I'm not sure why some pp's are pretending that isn't true.

At the same time though, society as a whole also enables the behaviour. Fathers are excused, they have low expectations, they don't parent or take equal responsibility because they ''help'' and far too many women accept having a useless husband/partner.

Society does have a higher expectation of mothers. I'm not sure why some pp's are pretending that isn't true.

I'm not sure why you're pretending we're not simply saying that any parent disappearing on a bender for 18 hours, not getting up for the school run then staying in bed all day hungover, wouldn't get flamed?

Man or woman would be, and quite rightly too.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 18/12/2023 11:02

Nochoiceleft · 18/12/2023 10:54

My partner isn’t like this and nor are any of the dads that I know.

Mine neither. I have some friends whose own parents were questionable but acceptable in the 80s but even they didn’t experience what the OP is describing.

OP you have a choice who your partner is. If they don’t behave in a way you think it good enough for you and your children then you have choices.

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