Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a mum would get flamed for this?

135 replies

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:47

Disappearing on a bender for 18 hours, not getting up for the school run then staying in bed all day hungover.

Why is it different for dads than it is for mums? I honestly wouldn't dream of behaving that way. I know the people around me would judge me massively and I'd be called a shit mum. Plus I'd feel immensely guilty for not pulling my weight for my kids.

I'm sick of society letting dads get away with unacceptable behaviour and leaving the mothers to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 18/12/2023 11:03

TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 11:00

Society does have a higher expectation of mothers. I'm not sure why some pp's are pretending that isn't true.

I'm not sure why you're pretending we're not simply saying that any parent disappearing on a bender for 18 hours, not getting up for the school run then staying in bed all day hungover, wouldn't get flamed?

Man or woman would be, and quite rightly too.

Show quote history

A mother would absolutely be flamed more, without a doubt. Some are flamed for daring to leave their child at all. Like I said, the standard is always higher for a mother because society generally sees looking after the children as the mothers responsibility.

Overthebow · 18/12/2023 11:03

It isn’t different for men in this situation. It’s not acceptable for either to act that way. My DH has never done that, and wouldn’t ever do it. If either of us was to go on a rare big night out, we would have a discussion first about school runs and what else needs to be done the next day and makes sure it’s covered by the other, like adults.

CurlewKate · 18/12/2023 11:03

It's certainly true that the bar for being a good dad is much lower than for being a good mum.

TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 11:04

Honestly those who have lovely DH's, you're so lucky. What I would give for one of those!

Well my first one wasn't lovely, so I divorced him and got another one.

We literally have only one life and it's far too short to be miserable.

Original poster
redcar28 · 18/12/2023 11:06

TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 11:04

Honestly those who have lovely DH's, you're so lucky. What I would give for one of those!

Well my first one wasn't lovely, so I divorced him and got another one.

We literally have only one life and it's far too short to be miserable.

How did you find the strength to leave?

OP posts:
TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 11:08

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 11:06

How did you find the strength to leave?

Show quote history

I found it somehow when I looked at my kids and realised they were probably just as miserable as I was deep down.

Torganer · 18/12/2023 11:08

I don’t know anyone who does this, man or woman.

Allfur · 18/12/2023 11:09

I agree op its really shitty behaviour

Original poster
redcar28 · 18/12/2023 11:11

@TinselTitts My DC are too young at the moment to know what's going on, but I feel they do pick up on atmospheres and I certainly don't want that for them. They deserve a happy mum that's for sure.

OP posts:
MangshorJhol · 18/12/2023 11:13

Yes mothers are held to a higher standard. True.
Also true that I don’t know ANY fathers who would behave like this or would be allowed to get away with this by their partners.
I have friends whose partners don’t parent fully equally or leave the mental load to them. But this is next level.

I suspect that your Dad set a poor example so you have VERY low standards for your own partner as well.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/12/2023 11:17

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:58

Honestly those who have lovely DH's, you're so lucky. What I would give for one of those!

Even my own Dad acted the same way when I was a child, so it's nothing new to me. I've come to the realisation that I am basically living the same life as my mum did all those years ago.

You just did it yourself, that we’re “lucky”- no we aren’t lucky. Just like my husband isn’t lucky to have a responsible wife- it’s about expectations- he had kids he can step
up. And if I was with a man who behaved as per your opening post I wouldn’t be with him anymore. The signs were probably there before reproducing with them.

notacooldad · 18/12/2023 11:18

From experience in my own life and also people I know, their partners are pretty much useless and get away with behaviours that mothers would be judged for
I think the saying ' birds of a feather, flock together ' is apt here.
This is your expuerence but also the people around you.
It is definitely not mine or the people around me.
I'm 58. Dh was a very hands on dad. He did everything from the minute they were born and looked after me. He did night feeds so that i could rest, he took the kids to school,never missed a larent assembly, sports day, parents evening or Christmas fair. The list is endlessHe has a close tie with the adult children. His dad , who was born just over a 100 years ago,was also hands on and did traditional wife jobs, such as look after the children, make tea take the kids to school, etc.

The thing is, my dad was exactly the same. Even now, in his 80s, he does the shopping and cleaning and dotes on mum.
None of these men deserve a medal. They are / were just decent humans that love their family.

Shouldershoulder · 18/12/2023 11:18

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:58

Honestly those who have lovely DH's, you're so lucky. What I would give for one of those!

Even my own Dad acted the same way when I was a child, so it's nothing new to me. I've come to the realisation that I am basically living the same life as my mum did all those years ago.

Don't accept this behaviour then .

anniegun · 18/12/2023 11:19

I do not know any parent who would do this, mum or dad. I would not be associated with them regardless of their sex

Original poster
redcar28 · 18/12/2023 11:20

notacooldad · 18/12/2023 11:18

From experience in my own life and also people I know, their partners are pretty much useless and get away with behaviours that mothers would be judged for
I think the saying ' birds of a feather, flock together ' is apt here.
This is your expuerence but also the people around you.
It is definitely not mine or the people around me.
I'm 58. Dh was a very hands on dad. He did everything from the minute they were born and looked after me. He did night feeds so that i could rest, he took the kids to school,never missed a larent assembly, sports day, parents evening or Christmas fair. The list is endlessHe has a close tie with the adult children. His dad , who was born just over a 100 years ago,was also hands on and did traditional wife jobs, such as look after the children, make tea take the kids to school, etc.

The thing is, my dad was exactly the same. Even now, in his 80s, he does the shopping and cleaning and dotes on mum.
None of these men deserve a medal. They are / were just decent humans that love their family.

Your DH & Dad sound like lovely people ❤️

OP posts:
Coolblur · 18/12/2023 11:21

OP, you are right. If a father behaves in that way people 'disapprove' as evidenced by several of the responses on here. If a mother went on an 18 hour bender and failed to get up for the school run, people would think something was seriously wrong with her, and perhaps even consider reporting her to social services.

It's the same reason why some separated dads can get away with seeing their kids every few weeks/months for a few hours at a time, but separated mums are expected to look after the children the majority of the time. Anything less would be considerably unacceptable by society. Meanwhile, many of these men go on to have more children despite the evidence that they are poor fathers.

I'd think anyone behaving in that way is a disgrace. When you have a family they come first. If you must do it, the time for that sort of carry-on is pre-kids. That way any potential partner can see what they're getting themselves into and run for the hills.

OkayScooby · 18/12/2023 11:23

Op, I think you should re post in the Relationships thread with details of your partner.
It's not a society problem, it's a dh problem.
You will get a lot of support and help. Xx

Wheresthebeach · 18/12/2023 11:23

Women need to stop marrying, and breeding with bell ends.

Allfur · 18/12/2023 11:24

That's helpful

BethDuttonsTwin · 18/12/2023 11:25

cariadlet · 18/12/2023 10:56

I don't know any men who behave like this.
You must be very unlucky to have a social circle or to live in an area where this is commonplace.

The smug snobbery of this post just beggars belief 🙄

OP I get you. My ex was similar and his extended family - nearly all professionals and well educated believed that women who had a problem with this were nags who were probably driving the man out of the home anyway - no wonder he wanted to be in the pub! It is pretty common, we know it is from the amount of women who post in despair right here on this forum. I’ve no idea why you’ve had so many dismissive, sneery posts in reply.

x2boys · 18/12/2023 11:26

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:52

Because it clearly is different for Dads. From experience in my own life and also people I know, their partners are pretty much useless and get away with behaviours that mothers would be judged for

Show quote history

Maybe its just he people you know?
My Dh, has never disappeared for 18 hours ,its not usual with the people I know

Glowygoose · 18/12/2023 11:27

Hugs OP.

You are right that in general men have a low bar to reach to be seen as a ‘good’ parent compared to women.

The thing is on AIBU, people want to dosageee with the OP no matter what you say. So if repost it under relationships and about your own relationship for support.

I have a fantastic DP who is father to my babies and a 50/50 partnership
in child rearing. However that doesn’t mean I can’t see the issue in society in general when it comes to mother and fathers. Misogyny doesn’t just stop existing in society because I’m in an equal relationship.

Original poster
redcar28 · 18/12/2023 11:27

@BethDuttonsTwin Yes, his family are the exact same. They don't see a problem with how he is behaving, it's so infuriating.

If I was acting the way he was, my family would tell me to grow up and start acting right for my kids!

OP posts:
x2boys · 18/12/2023 11:27

BethDuttonsTwin · 18/12/2023 11:25

The smug snobbery of this post just beggars belief 🙄

OP I get you. My ex was similar and his extended family - nearly all professionals and well educated believed that women who had a problem with this were nags who were probably driving the man out of the home anyway - no wonder he wanted to be in the pub! It is pretty common, we know it is from the amount of women who post in despair right here on this forum. I’ve no idea why you’ve had so many dismissive, sneery posts in reply.

Show quote history

Because of the massive generalisation maybe ?

BethDuttonsTwin · 18/12/2023 11:31

x2boys · 18/12/2023 11:27

Because of the massive generalisation maybe ?

Show quote history

So what? Why are you so offended by that and not the point of the actual post? Well we know why. Because sneery snobbery is rife on this website. Also the many, many women saddled with selfish arsehole husbands don’t feel that it is a “massive generalisation” do they? It’s real and omnipresent to them. Why is your lack of experience round such matters the only view that counts? The one that determines whether it’s a big problem or not?