To think a mum would get flamed for this?

[redcar28]

Disappearing on a bender for 18 hours, not getting up for the school run then staying in bed all day hungover.

Why is it different for dads than it is for mums? I honestly wouldn't dream of behaving that way. I know the people around me would judge me massively and I'd be called a shit mum. Plus I'd feel immensely guilty for not pulling my weight for my kids.

I'm sick of society letting dads get away with unacceptable behaviour and leaving the mothers to pick up the pieces.

Anyone who disappears on a bender when they have people relying and depending on them is an arsehole.

Someone making arrangements to go out drinking/celebrating with friends for a whole day then plans a day around recovering (booking annual leave, ensuring childcare arrangements are in place and basically does what they can to lighten the load on the other parent) for a special occasion is fine no matter which parent they are.

I completely agree with you, OP, and I don't know why people are being so pedantic with you. It's clear what you mean. If women did one tenth of the amount of crap and irresponsible shit that men do, they'd be absolutely fucking lambasted!

Men can often get pissed up on a Friday or Saturday night, and not get up until one o'clock the next day. They don't have to take the kids to school and fetch them back. They never take them to hobby groups and friends - it's always mum!

They can go off on long weekends for three or four days at a time and leave their family behind. They can go and spend all day Saturday and Sunday at football and golf and whatever - and nobody bats an eyelid, because 'men like their sports, men have their mates. men work hard so they deserve it la la la la la...' Men also spend family money at the drop of a hat - on crap like their hobbies, and getting pissed, and lads trips away - because they feel entitled as they earn more!

The women always have to pick up the slack, the mental load, the physical load, all the childcare, and all the domestic duties. You're absolutely right @redcar28 men can get away with so much more than women! People still probably disapprove and they probably aren't impressed that men do all this crap, but the men still keep on doing it don't they ??? and you know what - society allows it, and no-one stops them! We women tolerate it as well - and I think we always will because we've got no choice. It's 2023, and I sometimes feel that women are no further ahead with 'equality' than we were in 1923!!!

Just imagine if women did exactly the same as men and behaved exactly the same as men. Who the fuck would look after the children? Who the fuck would keep the family - and the home together??? Does anybody think about that?! THANK GOD FOR WOMEN!

disclaimer, there are some GOOD men who aren't absolute twats, but it's a fact that the woman will still be the person who does most of the childcare and domestic duties, and home admin, and the grunt work. Even the 'good' men take the piss, and are lazy arses some of the time. And yes, the fact that women cannot get away with what men can get away with still applies!!!

I don’t know anyone like this. DH and I don’t even drink alcohol so can’t be in a position like this and no matter the gender, it’s a disgusting and unacceptable behaviour .

Maybe because it IS a massive generalisation? I am like the PP, I don't know any men who are shit dads who are always off on massive benders. It is just alien to my experience. I find that this site a lot of people make assumptions that aren't really borne out by facts. I think that there is an element of misery loving company, and people blaming 'society' for what is essentially an individual/interpersonal problem.

Well, why don’t they fucking do something about it then?

Why did they have children with such useless wankers in the first place?

Do women bear no responsibility for the situation? Last time I checked, contraception, abortion etc. were readily available in this country, and ending a relationship with a dickhead of a boyfriend was legal.

To think a mum would get flamed for this?

I'd say it depends, if a woman was to do this but their partner was fully capable of getting the kids up and doing the school run, I doubt anyone would get to hear about it, in the same way women quietly get on with things, but I can't think of any men that would actually put up with that shitty behaviour though, where as women seem to for reasons only they know?

It'd be shitty behaviour from either sex, but men seem to get away with it because the women in their lives are used to being treated like shit and just quietly pick up their slack and keep it hidden, that complete lack of respect should never be tolerated by anyone, male or female.

I'm sick of society letting dads get away with unacceptable behaviour and leaving the mothers to pick up the pieces.

With kindness, It's not society that's the problem here.

Exactly. People are blaming society for their own generational/family/interpersonal trauma. They assume that there is 'safety in numbers' and that everyone is in the same position, because that is a way of avoiding doing anything about their own situation. Of course they then get upset and angry when people tell them that actually, all men AREN'T drunken, selfish losers and that 'society' DOESN'T just entirely handwave bad male behaviour, even if their particular social circle does (or they assume it does)

There is your answer right there in your post. You have been conditioned to think it's acceptable based on your own childhood. You've watched your mother presumably put up with this behaviour from your own father without challenging it so you have learnt that Is acceptable. You've learnt that is just how a father behaves. Here's the key, just because your mum put up with it does not mean you need to. Break the cycle and do the freedom programme whilst you are at it!

I think it’s important to always highlight that this isn’t the experience of a lot of people. A shit husband who doesn’t pull his weight is not inevitable or just the way it is. There are better men out there.

My DH would never behave as the OP has said and I don’t know any DH’s in my social circle that would behave that way or even think it was ok! So yes, the issue may well be one of upbringing or one’s social circle.

It’s patronising bollocks, isn’t it?

Apparently women need “society” to sort out their relationship problems, they have no responsibility about who they procreate with and just had to give up their financial freedom and trap themselves and their children in a shitty, toxic situation. Let’s just pat them on the head and shower them with sympathy, poor little souls.

Redcar28
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Because it clearly is different for Dads. From experience in my own life and also people I know, their partners are pretty much useless and get away with behaviours that mothers would be judged for”

You need to meet new people. My husband/son have never behaved that way. Everyone I know, male and female, would be disgusted at such behaviour whatever the sex of the culprit.

Exactly. It is totally patronising and also false. I find it astonishing how so many people on this site claim to be feminists but actually deep down seem to expect women to be coddled and frame them as victims. It is what Christina Hoff Sommers calls 'fainting couch feminism' and I have no time for it whatsoever.

My post doesn't exhibit snobbery. In fact, you are being incredibly insulting to assume that it's normal for working class men to behave like this and only middle class professionals would be shocked and surprised.

My parents were working class (on my mum's side, 5 kids growing up in a 3 bedroom council house) but my Dad wouldn't have dreamed of behaving in the way described in the OP. He was a hands on dad who never went on a bender.

I've probably moved into the middle classes (I don't quite feel that I fully belong in either very wc or very mc circles) but my partner is working class and, again, is a hands on dad who wouldn't behave like this.

I haven't seen any sneery posts on this thread.

We all know that there are a lot of shitty men about. What people are disagreeing with is the implication that this is normal behaviour and that it is generally accepted that Dads will behave like this.

All you can do is make sure you don't have a relationship with anyone like this and end it if you find out that's what he is like.

I don't think that's appropriate for any parent if they have their kids the next day.

Plenty of mums are useless, plenty of dads aren't. Your experience is skewing your view but it's normal for people with useless partners to attract friends who also have useless partners of their own - "birds of a feather" and all that.

The difference is some people won't tolerate a partner who behaves like that.

An absolutely brilliant post 👏👏👏

It’s really no different for Dad’s and I know of two mums that have done this sort of thing. It is unacceptable for any parent and completely irresponsible whatever the sex

I saw a lot of men like this growing up, children were women's work my own df despite being very WC manual labour jobs all his life, left school at 14 etc, he cooked, cleaned, laundry did all the family ironing, he probably did more of the housework than DM tbh despite working 60 hour weeks. She also worked full time often across two jobs.
my own brother says he doesn't know how to use their washing machine.....
i absolutely would not have stayed in a relationship with a man who saw me as subservient or domestic help. I got an awful lot of comments mainly from women about going back to work full time after DS.

DH went to his Christmas do at the weekend, told me he'd be out later, got home around 1:30am, went to bed no vomiting, urination, aggressive behaviour, got up at 8 the next morning, albeit I sent him back to bed for a couple of hours. When is my Christmas do he'll do the same for me. That behaviour wouldn't be acceptable to either of us, from anyone

rom experience in my own life and also people I know, their partners are pretty much useless and get away with behaviours that mothers would be judged for

Your friends and family have pretty shitty tastes in men, don't they? I have one or two friends with useless partners/husbands. But at least 95% are decent, hardworking blokes who put their family first and don't go out on 18 hour benders. This sort of behaviour is not normal in my world.

Sounds like a you problem, @redcar28 - why are you accepting such terrible behaviour from people in your life? If that's your DH, kick the drunken bastard out.

My father and my friends' fathers didn't behave like this, with one exception. Everyone did judge him and his wife wisely chucked him out.

My DH and my friends' DHs don't behave like this,. My adult sons and their friends don't behave like this, and if they did we'd call that bollocks out right away.

Society does demand more from women, but the bar for men is not as staggeringly low as you seem to think. Good luck, and start 2024 without this deadweight bloke dragging you down.

Oh and to clarify - the friends I have with useless partners, this is because they have had an affair or work long hours, or are just incompatible with their partner. Not because they are out drinking.

Generally the men I’ve known, have been pretty shit. My dad was awful and my mum was a complete doormat. I’ve stayed single.

that is LTB behavior.