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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think a mum would get flamed for this?

135 replies

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:47

Disappearing on a bender for 18 hours, not getting up for the school run then staying in bed all day hungover.

Why is it different for dads than it is for mums? I honestly wouldn't dream of behaving that way. I know the people around me would judge me massively and I'd be called a shit mum. Plus I'd feel immensely guilty for not pulling my weight for my kids.

I'm sick of society letting dads get away with unacceptable behaviour and leaving the mothers to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:
Curlygirli · 18/12/2023 13:12

My ex was like this, it was awful. He would spend all weekend at the pub, come home drunk and sleep it off. My breaking point was one Christmas Eve and DD was 8 months old. He said he was “popping to the pub for a couple of hours” at lunch time. He came home pissed (and I think coked up) at 11pm, I remember he sat down smoking in the house and flicked his ash in the Chinese take out I brought. I thought he was so pissed he didn’t realise what he was doing so told him to watch stop and go outside. He looked me dead in the eye, took a massive drag from his cigarette and flicked more ash in my food. I got my baby, her Christmas presents, packed a bag, got on my car and went to my parents, and never went back. It was the best thing I ever did, hard - yes. But my daughter and I have a lovely life, she is thriving and didn’t have to see her mum get treated with contempt. His family bad mouthed me, down played her father’s actions, but he ended up shower her his true colours and she cut all contact with him.

As for my ex, he still has a raging drink and drug problem. His wife rings his parents in despair when he goes off the rails, he acts clean for a bit, and then he goes on more benders. Rinse and repeat.

I left him 19 years ago by the way, when I was 22 (he was 26) People like that rarely change.

Usernamen · 18/12/2023 13:17

What do physiological changes have to do with desire to be selfish?

SeparatedAndFree · 18/12/2023 13:20

My ex would get like this when he drank and be useless all weekend. My first long lie after a night out was the week after I told him I wanted a divorce.

He never pulled his weight it was always about him.

ScarlettSunset · 18/12/2023 13:22

OP, I have an abusive exh who was also like this (amongst other things).
I left him because I looked at my child and realised I didn't want him to grow up thinking that was normal.

The person with the power to stop this and break the cycle so it doesn't repeat in future generations is you. You don't have to put up with this.

NerrSnerr · 18/12/2023 13:27

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:58

Honestly those who have lovely DH's, you're so lucky. What I would give for one of those!

Even my own Dad acted the same way when I was a child, so it's nothing new to me. I've come to the realisation that I am basically living the same life as my mum did all those years ago.

It's your choice who you chose to marry and stay married to. If he's a dick then leave him.

My husband wouldn't act like an arse like this and if he did he'd be told to fuck off. The relationship certainly wouldn't have got as far as needing to do a school run.

There are a lot of arsehole men around but they get away with it as many women just put up with it.

Goldbar · 18/12/2023 13:28

kitsuneghost · 18/12/2023 13:04

Let me guess. He never drank and spent all his spare time working for charity before you had children with him.

As did all women who have children, no doubt.

All of us mothers lived an entirely sober, virtuous and hardworking life pre-DC. We never pulled all-nighters, never had hangovers, were never selfish or immature, never had time-consuming hobbies, always did our share of the chores and our husbands and partners just needed to look at us to know that we would be good "parent" material.

I am sick to death of this argument - "Oh you should have seen what he was like..."

I was fairly irresponsible pre-DC. I did what I wanted, drank to excess not infrequently, spent too much and went out lots.

This didn't prevent my DC from being my number one priority when they came along. It's called stepping up.

ntmdino · 18/12/2023 13:35

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:52

Because it clearly is different for Dads. From experience in my own life and also people I know, their partners are pretty much useless and get away with behaviours that mothers would be judged for

Show quote history

Not really sure it is different - at least, not in the way you're suggesting. It's pretty much universally condemned for dads to do this, but when a mum does it..."she needed a break". At least, that's how it's been for the (very) few times I've known anybody to do something like this unplanned.

If it happens more than a couple of times in a marriage, it's either because of pure irresponsibility, or a more serious problem (eg alcoholism). If it happened regularly in my life or with people I know, I'd be questioning the company I kept.

brunettemic · 18/12/2023 13:35

As a one off, who cares. Not sure I know anyone that hasn’t overdone it and then lost a day to a hangover. I wouldn’t think any different of it being a male or female.

doing it as a recurring thing…that’s a different question but I’d still think the same regardless of the sex of the person doing it.

NerrSnerr · 18/12/2023 13:36

kitsuneghost · 18/12/2023 13:10

When women are pregnant they go through a lot of physiological changes and some of that will bring out less desire to be selfish and more desire to nurture.

Men do not go through these changes. Yes men will change naturally as they get older but if they enjoy a night out while you are trying for a baby, they will like a night out after the baby. Having a baby doesn't not make males suddenly responsible like it does for most women

The trick is wait for their behaviour to be compatible with having a child. Not to have a child in the hope it will change them

What a load of patronising bullshit. I'm sure that anyone, male or female is able to understand that their life will change post baby and having an 18 hour bender and not doing parental duties is a dickish thing to do. The problem is that many families just accept that men won't do parenting and will do what the fuck they want so they do stuff like this because they know the woman will pick up the slack.

raspberryjuiceandpompoms · 18/12/2023 13:37

mmm… I don’t care what my DH does in his spare time and how long for (meaning going out and drinking) as long as he’s helped with the bedtime routine and up in the morning without vomiting/smelling like brewery or sleeping in too late. If he breaches any of those conditions there will be consequences 😂😅😊

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 18/12/2023 13:38

I don't that any different. But I don't have a husband who behaves like this 🙄

kitsuneghost · 18/12/2023 13:43

Usernamen · 18/12/2023 13:17

What do physiological changes have to do with desire to be selfish?

Hormone changes can very definitely affect mood and desires.

AInightingale · 18/12/2023 13:44

I hear you OP. Definite double standard I've noticed as a single mother, separated dads neglect their parenting responsibilities, disappear off with new partners, see their kids once in a blue moon, and no-one seems to think any the worse of them. Or rather, they don't get the absolute lambasting that a mother without custody would get in those circumstances.

Man's world still in many ways.

HardcoreLadyType · 18/12/2023 13:44

I think you’re right.

Mothers would be judged more harshly than fathers, in general, for doing this.

Its not right for either parent to do it.

FusionChefGeoff · 18/12/2023 13:46

Not on MN but in real life yes, men get away with way more.

I had a friend actually moved to tears when another friend was saying how her brother has never missed a weekend contact WITH HIS OWN CHILD. Crying friend was so overwhelmed by what a fantastic Dad he was..

Society isn't doing men any favours by having such a low bar!

Abouttimemum · 18/12/2023 13:46

I would judge anyone behaving in that way to be honest, man or woman.

My DH absolutely would not behave in this way as he’s a grown man and a parent. He judges others who behave this way too.

Abouttimemum · 18/12/2023 13:48

FusionChefGeoff · 18/12/2023 13:46

Not on MN but in real life yes, men get away with way more.

I had a friend actually moved to tears when another friend was saying how her brother has never missed a weekend contact WITH HIS OWN CHILD. Crying friend was so overwhelmed by what a fantastic Dad he was..

Society isn't doing men any favours by having such a low bar!

Totally agree. I quite often get told I’m ‘lucky’ with DH.

I do feel lucky in many ways, but having a husband that equally parents his child is not one of them. That’s just basic.

kitsuneghost · 18/12/2023 13:49

Goldbar · 18/12/2023 13:28

As did all women who have children, no doubt.

All of us mothers lived an entirely sober, virtuous and hardworking life pre-DC. We never pulled all-nighters, never had hangovers, were never selfish or immature, never had time-consuming hobbies, always did our share of the chores and our husbands and partners just needed to look at us to know that we would be good "parent" material.

I am sick to death of this argument - "Oh you should have seen what he was like..."

I was fairly irresponsible pre-DC. I did what I wanted, drank to excess not infrequently, spent too much and went out lots.

This didn't prevent my DC from being my number one priority when they came along. It's called stepping up.

Show quote history

My point is you do not chose to have a child if this is the lifestyle of either parent to be.
Its OK to be a bit wild before children but you have children after you have stopped, not have children then stop.
Men who have that lifestyle close having a baby will be more likely to continue after baby than someone who gave it up years ago.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/12/2023 13:49

@redcar28

I do think you're massively generalizing. Most people with good partners don't say much. We don't really go around throwing out 'brags' about how great our husbands/partners are. We're just living our lives. The ones with shit partners are the ones who complain to their friends or come on MN and post for help so their voices seem 'louder' and that there are many more of them than people with 'normal' spouses/partners.

But another reason for generalizing is to convince oneself that 'everyone lives like this' in order to justify staying. Don't do that. If your husband is a shit, get out. I'm not saying that like I think it's as easy as 1 2 3, I know it's not. But it can be done even if it takes a year to do it.

jadey1991 · 18/12/2023 13:49

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:52

Because it clearly is different for Dads. From experience in my own life and also people I know, their partners are pretty much useless and get away with behaviours that mothers would be judged for

Show quote history

I don't think you should say men are useless. You might and other people you know may experience this but that's not all men.
You can't critize a man for going out and enjoying themselves. I have no problem with my hubby doing that. Obviously not a 18 hour bender.

Men and women get judged regardless.
I don't some single dads with no support doing this, same with some single mums. But it's each to there own.

ChateauDuMont · 18/12/2023 13:51

There are plenty of women who go on holiday, clubbing, to the shops and temporarily abandon their children.

It's not a men v women thing as much as you would like to make it your agenda it's an irresponsible PERSON/PARENT subject matter.

Chipsahoyagain · 18/12/2023 13:52

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:58

Honestly those who have lovely DH's, you're so lucky. What I would give for one of those!

Even my own Dad acted the same way when I was a child, so it's nothing new to me. I've come to the realisation that I am basically living the same life as my mum did all those years ago.

Sorry that happened to you op. Can you see how you have chosen exactly like your mum? Maybe that's why your view is skewed. I certainly do not know any men like this. Who is the 'society' that you blame. Isn't it just the women who make the choice of these men?

Theunamedcat · 18/12/2023 13:53

A lot of things are "different for dads" there is a school dad who is working his way through women at the school pretty sure he is on number four has kids with all four of them had a full on fight outside the classroom at pick up time proper Jeremy springer type scrap with hair pulling and fists flying my sons class teacher dropped the blinds and turned up the music ds (oblivious child) was very chatty about the spontaneous dance before hometime no-one blames him for his actions they all blame the women for "knowing what they were getting into" the women got a ban he now does school collection and found number four not long after the women are classed as home wrecking sluts the dad is a "bit of a lad" harmless really just likes to "spread the love"

FFS

G5000 · 18/12/2023 14:04

Men can often get pissed up on a Friday or Saturday night, and not get up until one o'clock the next day. They don't have to take the kids to school and fetch them back. They never take them to hobby groups and friends - it's always mum!

I don't know any men who behave like that and DH would be an ex very swiftly if he tried. Yes mums are held to a higher standard, but there's a standard and there is..well, that.

AnneElliott · 18/12/2023 14:04

CurlewKate · 18/12/2023 11:03

It's certainly true that the bar for being a good dad is much lower than for being a good mum.

Absolutely. And you see it on here all the time with telling mums to 'suck up' when they're ill and the dad won't take time off or they have a newborn and he's off to a stag do abroad.