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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a mum would get flamed for this?

135 replies

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 10:47

Disappearing on a bender for 18 hours, not getting up for the school run then staying in bed all day hungover.

Why is it different for dads than it is for mums? I honestly wouldn't dream of behaving that way. I know the people around me would judge me massively and I'd be called a shit mum. Plus I'd feel immensely guilty for not pulling my weight for my kids.

I'm sick of society letting dads get away with unacceptable behaviour and leaving the mothers to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 18/12/2023 12:13

Your DH & Dad sound like lovely people ❤️
Thank you op.
You deserve lovely people in your life.
You can't change the past but you can think about what you want your future to look like and go about making changes so you and your kids have the best life.

CJsGoldfish · 18/12/2023 12:13

I've come to the realisation that I am basically living the same life as my mum did all those years ago
Oh, so it's YOU that is accepting of the behaviour and letting him 'get away with it', not 'society'? 🙄

My DC are too young at the moment to know what's going on, but I feel they do pick up on atmospheres and I certainly don't want that for them
No, they are not too young to 'feel' what is going on but they'll just grow up thinking that the relationship you are modelling is 'normal'. They'll just become the part of 'society' that accepts the behaviour and 'lets them get away with it'

Ponderingwindow · 18/12/2023 12:16

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 11:11

@TinselTitts My DC are too young at the moment to know what's going on, but I feel they do pick up on atmospheres and I certainly don't want that for them. They deserve a happy mum that's for sure.

My very first memories are of alcohol and violence. Your children know far more than you realize.

ActDottie · 18/12/2023 12:18

um ok

massive generalisation there… but sure

Arightoldcarryabag · 18/12/2023 12:21

OP, society does not accept this behaviour but you do.

You have allowed this into your life and continue to allow it.

What would you do if Social Services knocked on your door because the children had been missing school. Do you think the excuse that it was your partner who was pissed out of his head so didn't take them would be suitable? I have my doubts.

Decision time. Do you want this life or not?

CagneyAndLazy · 18/12/2023 12:24

You have a choice of whether to live this life or not, OP.

Naptrappedmummy · 18/12/2023 12:26

Northernparent68 · 18/12/2023 10:51

i think people disapprove when Dad’s do it

They do but I think it’s in a ‘awww glad you blew off some steam but you should’ve helped your girlfriend/wife out’. Whereas for mums it’s ‘omg she must have a class A habit, someone call social services, those kids are her responsibility’

BodyKeepingScore · 18/12/2023 12:27

I would disapprove if any adult with responsibilities did this. I don't know a single grown man who would do this, nor any women who would tolerate it

VanityDiesHard · 18/12/2023 12:30

Naptrappedmummy · 18/12/2023 12:26

They do but I think it’s in a ‘awww glad you blew off some steam but you should’ve helped your girlfriend/wife out’. Whereas for mums it’s ‘omg she must have a class A habit, someone call social services, those kids are her responsibility’

Show quote history

That's a generalisation, and even if it wasn't, the OP is the one making the choice to stay in this toxic situation.

Shrammed · 18/12/2023 12:31

redcar28 · 18/12/2023 11:27

@BethDuttonsTwin Yes, his family are the exact same. They don't see a problem with how he is behaving, it's so infuriating.

If I was acting the way he was, my family would tell me to grow up and start acting right for my kids!

Good reason to kick him and and raise your own kids with better role models so they behave better and expect better in their adult lives.

In every case I know where a man started behaving like this include with in family - remaining partner stopped relationship and became single parent - not easy option at all sometimes they needed to be ones to move out.

Most people I know agree it's only think to be done and sympathy is with mother who gets kids to better - in few cases family may take side of man behaving like this but often come round - though can take years when they have to deal with the behaviour themselves.

Goldbar · 18/12/2023 12:32

In most cases, women are viewed as the default parent. I think almost all the problems enumerated on this thread can be traced back to this.

If men don't, generally women have to pick up a disproportionate amount of the slack.

If women don't, no one is picking up their slack. It doesn't get done and the kids suffer.

Teateaandmoretea · 18/12/2023 12:33

FreshWinterMorning · 18/12/2023 11:33

I completely agree with you, OP, and I don't know why people are being so pedantic with you. It's clear what you mean. If women did one tenth of the amount of crap and irresponsible shit that men do, they'd be absolutely fucking lambasted!

Men can often get pissed up on a Friday or Saturday night, and not get up until one o'clock the next day. They don't have to take the kids to school and fetch them back. They never take them to hobby groups and friends - it's always mum!

They can go off on long weekends for three or four days at a time and leave their family behind. They can go and spend all day Saturday and Sunday at football and golf and whatever - and nobody bats an eyelid, because 'men like their sports, men have their mates. men work hard so they deserve it la la la la la...' Men also spend family money at the drop of a hat - on crap like their hobbies, and getting pissed, and lads trips away - because they feel entitled as they earn more!

The women always have to pick up the slack, the mental load, the physical load, all the childcare, and all the domestic duties. You're absolutely right @redcar28 men can get away with so much more than women! People still probably disapprove and they probably aren't impressed that men do all this crap, but the men still keep on doing it don't they ??? and you know what - society allows it, and no-one stops them! We women tolerate it as well - and I think we always will because we've got no choice. It's 2023, and I sometimes feel that women are no further ahead with 'equality' than we were in 1923!!!

Just imagine if women did exactly the same as men and behaved exactly the same as men. Who the fuck would look after the children? Who the fuck would keep the family - and the home together??? Does anybody think about that?! THANK GOD FOR WOMEN!

disclaimer, there are some GOOD men who aren't absolute twats, but it's a fact that the woman will still be the person who does most of the childcare and domestic duties, and home admin, and the grunt work. Even the 'good' men take the piss, and are lazy arses some of the time. And yes, the fact that women cannot get away with what men can get away with still applies!!!

Edited

That isn't my experience at all.

Your post reads like something out of the 1950s.

AutumnNamechange · 18/12/2023 12:33

I think the best thing you can do now OP is to make sure your kids break this pattern for their children. Sorry you have had such shit men in your life.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 18/12/2023 12:38

Who says it is ok for a Dad or anyone to do this? Sounds like it is more of an issue on your outlook than the rest of society.

ManateeFair · 18/12/2023 12:52

In most families, a dad would also get flamed for that. It's not normal behaviour for a father at all.

Naptrappedmummy · 18/12/2023 12:56

VanityDiesHard · 18/12/2023 12:30

That's a generalisation, and even if it wasn't, the OP is the one making the choice to stay in this toxic situation.

Show quote history

Well I clearly meant it in a general way so not going to apologise for that. And yes, she is.

VanityDiesHard · 18/12/2023 12:57

Naptrappedmummy · 18/12/2023 12:56

Well I clearly meant it in a general way so not going to apologise for that. And yes, she is.

Show quote history

My point was that it isn't really true, even in a general way.

Bridgettvs · 18/12/2023 13:00

Totally see where you’re coming from - I’m from the NE and it’s the norm here for dads to just piss off for a bender when they feel like it. Not all of them mind!

kitsuneghost · 18/12/2023 13:04

Let me guess. He never drank and spent all his spare time working for charity before you had children with him.

Naptrappedmummy · 18/12/2023 13:06

VanityDiesHard · 18/12/2023 12:57

My point was that it isn't really true, even in a general way.

Show quote history

It is in my experience

itsmyp4rty · 18/12/2023 13:08

I guess you have to think what it was like for you growing up with that OP - and then decide if you want that for your kids. You and your kids deserve better though.

VanityDiesHard · 18/12/2023 13:08

Naptrappedmummy · 18/12/2023 13:06

It is in my experience

Show quote history

Ah, well. It really isn't in mine. It doesn't matter anyway, as we both agree. OP needs to leave, whatever the supposed mores of her social circle are.

dreamingbohemian · 18/12/2023 13:08

Namechangey23 · 18/12/2023 11:42

There is your answer right there in your post. You have been conditioned to think it's acceptable based on your own childhood. You've watched your mother presumably put up with this behaviour from your own father without challenging it so you have learnt that Is acceptable. You've learnt that is just how a father behaves. Here's the key, just because your mum put up with it does not mean you need to. Break the cycle and do the freedom programme whilst you are at it!

Exactly this

OP you don't have to put up with this for the rest of your life. Your children are still small so they will adjust and be fine.

If you need motivation, think about how you're living the life your mum had. If you don't leave, your kids will do the same. Do it for them.

kitsuneghost · 18/12/2023 13:10

When women are pregnant they go through a lot of physiological changes and some of that will bring out less desire to be selfish and more desire to nurture.

Men do not go through these changes. Yes men will change naturally as they get older but if they enjoy a night out while you are trying for a baby, they will like a night out after the baby. Having a baby doesn't not make males suddenly responsible like it does for most women

The trick is wait for their behaviour to be compatible with having a child. Not to have a child in the hope it will change them

Barmecide · 18/12/2023 13:12

kitsuneghost · 18/12/2023 13:10

When women are pregnant they go through a lot of physiological changes and some of that will bring out less desire to be selfish and more desire to nurture.

Men do not go through these changes. Yes men will change naturally as they get older but if they enjoy a night out while you are trying for a baby, they will like a night out after the baby. Having a baby doesn't not make males suddenly responsible like it does for most women

The trick is wait for their behaviour to be compatible with having a child. Not to have a child in the hope it will change them

Physiological changes, yes. “Less desire to be selfish and more to nurture’? No.

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