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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

520 replies

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:02

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

OP posts:
Doyouthinktheyknow · 17/12/2023 20:14

So sad for all of you, MIL included.

I suspect she is beyond needing to reach rock bottom if she is in the grips of alcohol related cognitive and MH issues. I’m surprised she is deemed to have capacity because she sounds incredibly unwell.

If she does have capacity she needs treating under the criminal system. Not just being left to abuse you all further.

I would be inclined to pay for a flight and leave it at that for my own mental health as I would just be worrying so much but that would be it, no other involvement.

Alcoholism is a horrific disease and it really does destroy so many lives.

It’s a real shame your FIL thought a holiday was a good idea, that is borderline delusional in itself!

I hope she is back in the UK soon and I really hope services step in and provide some intervention. She clearly does need ongoing support. Yes, I understand the capacity act and peoples rights to make unwise decisions but she sounds really dangerous to herself and others as a result of alcohol addiction.

mommatoone · 17/12/2023 20:16

Tandora · 17/12/2023 18:09

It sounds like she needs to be sectioned since she is clearly a danger to others! Honestly, the state of mental health service these days. Someone who has alcohol induced psychosis and is behaving in this way needs help. I’d help her home OP, and then I’d work on getting her sectioned. But maybe I’m naive..

With all respect, yes you are naive.

I have dealt with people in a professional & personal capacity who are clearly suffering from significant MH issues and pose a danger to themselves/ others.
Mental health services in this country are at an all time low. There is no help ! Trying to 'get ' someone sectioned is not just a case of dropping them off at the local psyc unit and hoping for the best. It is truly devastating what families have to go through. The police can detain people under the MHA, but what follows is virtually non existent. I really feel for you and your family OP , it is a horrible situation to be in.

WornOutMumO · 17/12/2023 20:18

Hi just need a second opinion on this issue; my MIL is becoming increasingly more manipulative and throwing temper tantrums - usually tears, when she doesn’t get her way. She’s getting worse as she gets older. My OH and FIL are so used to backing down, they can’t see there’s a problem. I’ve been with my OH for 20 years and always followed their lead, ignoring passive aggressive comments and temper tantrums and giving in until last Christmas where I finally lost my temper. I never said anything, just stood up and left the room, but everyone knew I was unhappy. My in-laws live 2.5 hours drive away and this year my husband and I agreed to go for 3 days /2 nights over the Christmas period. MIL’s response was to cry and say it wasn’t long enough so now my OH is insisting we go for an extra night. It’s our only week of annual leave since August and I don’t want to spend over half of it with them, biting my tongue. We’ve seen them several times this year already and they’ve been to stay with us. Surely 3 days/2 nights is long enough for a visit?
they never organise trips or activities or events when we are there, it’s just a lot of sitting around so kids (9 and 12) spend hours on screens which I hate, but I know they’re bored. My MIL won’t back down, my husband is again taking her side, and I’m now seriously thinking of not going at all. Would love to hear some other opinions.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/12/2023 20:19

@WornOutMumO yiu need to start your own thread rather than hijacking the Op’s thread

Original poster
AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 20:20

coldcallerbaiter · 17/12/2023 20:13

A couple of things that have not been mentioned.

If her travel insurance does not pay for any accident of sickness she had abroad and she is privately treated, they may still charge with bailiffs in the UK. This affects her husband.

Not sending her money. So she has no bank card on her? Had she no money of her own? Denying her access to her own funds if she did not bring a card or lost it is not ideal. A return flight can be booked on her card from the UK.

If FIL is not helping her, maybe he never wants to see him again, maybe he is hoping she’ll just die out there….hd might get the invoice for it though

She genuinely has no money of her own, no bank cards or anything b cause she has obviously lost them. And even if she did hav bank card it would be no use.to her b cause sh has.no actual money die to being thousands overdrawn dur to help poor financial decisions over the last few months. Her travel insurance will not pay. FiL is of the opinion that he's tried everything to help her and she grows more and more abusive and ungrateful and delusional. The plan was he would return home and she would stay and see our the holiday until it's time.tonreturn but that hasn't worked out b cause as soon as he has left she has been kicking off and causing trouble and been evicted from the hotel. The holiday provider will not help her with accomodations as she has been abusive to all staff and reps etc.

OP posts:
Tandora · 17/12/2023 20:21

mommatoone · 17/12/2023 20:16

With all respect, yes you are naive.

I have dealt with people in a professional & personal capacity who are clearly suffering from significant MH issues and pose a danger to themselves/ others.
Mental health services in this country are at an all time low. There is no help ! Trying to 'get ' someone sectioned is not just a case of dropping them off at the local psyc unit and hoping for the best. It is truly devastating what families have to go through. The police can detain people under the MHA, but what follows is virtually non existent. I really feel for you and your family OP , it is a horrible situation to be in.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes I think I acknowledged that mental health services are a disaster :(.
my main point was it sounds like she needs help and the problem is she’s not getting the help she needs.

WornOutMumO · 17/12/2023 20:21

Sorry new to this, thought I had

WillowTit · 17/12/2023 20:24

she will manage, she will stand on her own two feet op
simply support your dh

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/12/2023 20:25

It's not his problem, it's not your DH's problem and it isn't your problem.

If you step in, nothing changes.

As it is, having no family bankrolling her coming back, medical bills for withdrawals or taking her in means that other arrangements will have to be made for her that do not involve any of her family suffering any more than they already have done from her behaviour.

You have to step away to protect them.

WornOutMumO · 17/12/2023 20:26

cant work out how to delete it 🤦🏼‍♀️

coldcallerbaiter · 17/12/2023 20:28

FIL needs to send her an e-ticket home, then divorce her.

Why? He could be liable as her husband for the merry hell of bills over there.

WillowTit · 17/12/2023 20:29

@WornOutMumO you should be able to edit it

coldcallerbaiter · 17/12/2023 20:30

It’s not the USA is it?

Hoping it’s somewhere like the Canary Islands where their nhs might pick most of it up.

Original poster
AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 20:31

coldcallerbaiter · 17/12/2023 20:30

It’s not the USA is it?

Hoping it’s somewhere like the Canary Islands where their nhs might pick most of it up.

Its Spain

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 17/12/2023 20:37

Why should the poor Spanish staff deal with her at the airport, what an embarrassment, another boozed Brit. I wouldn’t prolong it for them. E ticket and then divorce and cut contact. If she sorts her life out, she can reunite with you all. She is from the UK and she is the UK services problem.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 17/12/2023 20:40

CatherinedeBourgh · 17/12/2023 16:11

You would be insane and enabling her if you pay for her flight.

Time to cut her off.

Yes, she made it out there, she can make it home.

pandarific · 17/12/2023 20:40

Is your FIL going to divorce her @AlwaysAnxiousAnnie ? If I were you I’d be helping him with that, stay. He’s being abused by this horrible woman, and he needs to protect his assets as she’s such a financial liability.

SaffronSpice · 17/12/2023 20:41

You need to get her home. If you think the current emotional blackmail is bad, just wait until she needs medical treatment and she doesn’t have insurance. Or she ends up in a foreign jail. Much as the distance is appealing, better to be where you won’t end up selling a house to pay medical bills or having to live with decision not to.

We had a distant relative with Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome through chronic alcoholism. Though he was a horrible person to begin with. He ended up being placed in a secure mental health ward and died about a year later. His neighbours had to put up with a lot of abuse before that happened and he was well known to the police and all the local shops as he tried to steal alcohol. When they went through his environmental health risk of a house afterwards there were cans and bottles full of alcohol everywhere which he had acquired then forgot he had.

DancesWithDucks · 17/12/2023 20:44

So sorry to hear about your poor brother, and your own childhood must have been horrific.

I don't think I could bear to leave her in Spain either - it's just not right, either from a family pov, or for Spain actually - not their responsibility to handle Uk residents who have lost their way like this.

Your husband wants nothing more to do with her, which is totally understandable.

In your shoes I'd arrange for her to get back and then have nothing more to do with her at all.

I'd also be saying to FiL that he really should divorce, now.

As others have said, @AlwaysAnxiousAnnie it's possible, even likely that your own terrible experiences with an alcoholic mother are influencing your feelings. But that doesn't mean the decision to get her back is the wrong one. It would be an idea to get therapy though, if you haven't already.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 17/12/2023 20:44

You need to get her home. If you think the current emotional blackmail is bad, just wait until she needs medical treatment and she doesn’t have insurance. Or she ends up in a foreign jail. Much as the distance is appealing, better to be where you won’t end up selling a house to pay medical bills or having to live with decision not to.
I absolutely hope you're not intimating that ops home gets sold to pay for this abusive, horrible selfish women's medical bills. The only person who would have to deal with that decision would be the MIL who's chosen to spend all her money on alcohol

Original poster
AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 20:45

pandarific · 17/12/2023 20:40

Is your FIL going to divorce her @AlwaysAnxiousAnnie ? If I were you I’d be helping him with that, stay. He’s being abused by this horrible woman, and he needs to protect his assets as she’s such a financial liability.

They dont own their house. FiL is ex forces so he has assets of sorts but much of it has been depleted due to bailing out her poor financial decisions over the last few months. He keeps giving her more and more benefits of the doubt believing sh could get better but I think he has now realized that she will not get better because she simply doesn't want to and we have been telling him this for ages. He is much older than her and I think at his time of life this is going to send him to an early grave. I really don't know if he will divorce her. She's very good at manipulating everyone to feel sorry for her.

OP posts:
SaffronSpice · 17/12/2023 20:46

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 17/12/2023 20:44

You need to get her home. If you think the current emotional blackmail is bad, just wait until she needs medical treatment and she doesn’t have insurance. Or she ends up in a foreign jail. Much as the distance is appealing, better to be where you won’t end up selling a house to pay medical bills or having to live with decision not to.
I absolutely hope you're not intimating that ops home gets sold to pay for this abusive, horrible selfish women's medical bills. The only person who would have to deal with that decision would be the MIL who's chosen to spend all her money on alcohol

I’m intimating that you don’t want to have to even face that decision. Though I was thinking more of MIL/FIL house.

Original poster
AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 20:47

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 17/12/2023 20:44

You need to get her home. If you think the current emotional blackmail is bad, just wait until she needs medical treatment and she doesn’t have insurance. Or she ends up in a foreign jail. Much as the distance is appealing, better to be where you won’t end up selling a house to pay medical bills or having to live with decision not to.
I absolutely hope you're not intimating that ops home gets sold to pay for this abusive, horrible selfish women's medical bills. The only person who would have to deal with that decision would be the MIL who's chosen to spend all her money on alcohol

She will be lucky. We don't own our house. Its private rented, we are not well off by any means but we live comfortably. We certainly can't afford to be shelling out £200 for a plane ticket and certainly not any other expenses she may be incurring.

OP posts:
SaffronSpice · 17/12/2023 20:48

OP from what you say, it is unlikely that she can get better. The life expectancy from onset of Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome is about 8 years.

Rosscameasdoody · 17/12/2023 20:49

My late SiL was an alcoholic. She drank heavily for years and wouldn’t listen to anyone, even when in her mid sixties she developed balance problems and started having falls. She ended up breaking bones and on admission to hospital the effects of the years of alcohol abuse soon became clear. She had a series of seizures and had to be put into an induced coma while they investigated. The alcohol had caused significant and irreversible brain damage. On discharge from hospital she immediately began drinking again and ended up back in hospital after falling and breaking both hips - the alcohol abuse had also caused severe osteoporosis. Another series of seizures followed and she lapsed into a coma and died a couple of weeks later.

What she put herself and her family through was horrendous and made everyone feel so helpless. If your MiL has alcohol related brain damage and she continues drinking she’ll go down a similar path and the end will be awful for everyone involved. As hard as this sounds, you can’t help her, and you’re not responsible for her. I’d take a step back from the whole situation and let her sort this out herself. The family need to look at their behaviour towards her to make sure they’re not enabling her, and accept that in the end, she will drink herself to death. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s horrible for everyone.