Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

[AlwaysAnxiousAnnie]

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

Ok well if FIL has literally no funds, no house and is on benefits then I doubt he could be chased for her travel debts. How ppl without a pot to piss in manage to fund holidays is beyond me..

The thing is they haven't actually diagnosed this? Theyv done all sorts of tests, brain scans etc and said she has lesions on her brain caused by narrowing of the vessels due to alcohol aka ARBD. But that's it. She has other non alcohol related conditions though.

I'm sorry. I'm married to an only child and my MIL (and, tbh, FIL before his death) can be problematic. It's a difficult situation to be in. If your partner has made a decision about how he wants to cope with his mother, you need to back him up and let him deal with it how he sees fit. I hope things improve for you.

I know a few people who fund holidays and it’s the actual reason they’re without a pot to piss in !!

But judgemental tbh. They dont own their home, they live in a disabled adopted council property due to health conditions.. he HAD assetts but as I said he has done a lot of bailing his wife out. I believe he does have some assetts but it wouldn't be in then tend of thousands of pounds. Not that's it your business. This thread is asking for advice, not acting like the DWP judging everyone's ability to afford holidays.

Disagree. It’s a MIL issue.

I realize alcoholism is an illness, but you can’t clean up after adults forever. Natural consequences are at play.

yes, before you ask, I do have family with addiction issues. Sometimes you just need to detach, or you drown with them.

OP says MiL has no cards or money of her own. If their assets aren’t joint and are just in FiL’s name, he won’t be liable for her debts.

I think the important thing here, is that if FiL has assets, that they’re not in joint name, otherwise he will be liable for her debts. If they’re in his sole name, he won’t.

@AlwaysAnxiousAnnie I am in recovery from addiction. Your MIL needs to be seen by the NHS Substance Misuse Service. They handle addiction and every trust has an SMS service.

The mental health team and Social services will rarely intervene if drugs or alcohol are involved. Once you are clean and sober the mental health team will assess you if necessary, as many addicts have co-occurring mental illness.

In most places you can self-refer to the NHS Substance Misuse Service, no need to see a GP first. Search NHS Substance Misuse Service for the contact information in your area. SMS will assign your MIL a Substance Misuse Worker (usually a psychiatric nurse) who will assess her and work with her providing support.

SMS also have doctors who specialise in addiction treatment and can prescribe medications to help people stop drinking or using drugs.

However, not all addicts want to get well. If that is the case with your MIL then there may be nothing else you can do. Wishing you all the best.

Yes she has been referred to them, but because hostile and aggressive and in denial about her problems. And has said she doesn't not wish to stop drinking so they basically gave up with her.

Where is she sleeping then atm OP?

It's a tough one, she's got herself into this mess and won't stop whilst people are bailing her out.

As far as I am aware she is at the airport still. We've not heard anything since about ,4pm. We were told they would call us when they knew what was going to happen with her.

I do undertand your emotional pull towards bringing her back. However, I would worry that going against your husband would risk your relationship and your stability. If you help her get back home, and she causes more harm to you, your husband and the family - they may very well blame you. MIL has already caused enough harm to you and your family. You have clearly suffered enough in your past. I’m sorry though, you must feel very torn and in emotional turmoil.

@AlwaysAnxiousAnnie

So sorry you are going through this. Yes, SMS will try their best but if someone doesn’t want to stop drinking then there is little they can do.

I know how difficult it is and there are very few places to turn, particularly when the addict doesn’t want help. Addiction has a horrendous impact on families and there isn’t enough support available for families, imo.

I hope you’re able to look after yourself and keep yourselves safe.

Are her belongings still with the hotel or completely disappeared?

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/your-finances-when-travelling-abroad

details of when government will provide emergency loan to repatriate a British citizen.

So according to this, its a loan for the cheapest flight back to the UK, which could be Glasgow, Southend or anywhere inbetween. It's not FCDO's responsibility to get someone home.

I feel sorry for you OP. My dad had alcohol induced psychosis and no one will help because mental health say it's an alcohol thing, and social services say it's a mental health thing. He had seizures and all sorts when he stopped too abruptly so obviously her out there with no money is a worry as she will be cold turkey sober. With the experience you've had with your own mother you must have a lot of mixed feelings and it must be quite triggering for you. There's not really an answer as you can't override your DH and FIL as you've said but I get why it's also worrying and upsetting.

It's easy for others to say oh leave her she has to learn you're all enabling her etc, but when you've experienced how low and harmful these people can go when you don't 'enable' aka try and support, it's hard not to. I hope things work out in terms of the British embassy or holiday company getting her home.

Dad died unexpectedly and inexplicably in the end and I have four friends who have each lost a parent to alcoholism. It's an awful, awful thing.

Can I just ask...'she threw her own shit at people '....? ?
Her own actual shit ?
You'd be better keeping out of this op. And letting your dh make the decisions .
I know you think that she may be frightened but alcoholics tend to live in their own world.. she might not be bothered about anything

I would show compassion and encourage her husband to get her home - after all he was the one who booked the holiday for the two fo hem and he can afford to go to Spain.
but I would not pay for her flight or enable her in anyway.

I would also suggest to her husband, your father in law, that he does not take her abroad or encourage her to go abroad again,

early onset vascular dementia - would be worth ruling that in or out.

How much is an easyJet single ticket though, not £200.

I just looked and from Malaga, it is £29.99 tomorrow

Throwing your own shit indicates a mental health problem, and this particular detail makes me wonder whether the alcohol related brain damage and psychosis OP mentioned is actually further advanced than they realise. In the more advanced stages, dementia patients often smear and throw their own bodily waste. I have first hand experience of this with my mum who has vascular dementia.

Get her home then lose her passport.

I feel sorry for foreign countries having to deal with inebriated Brits.

MiL has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis - the result of long term serious alcohol abuse.

Problem is that this particular inebriated Brit seems to be hell bent on drinking herself to death. Yet no one on the thread appears to have stopped and thought long enough to wonder why.