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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

520 replies

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:02

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

OP posts:
Ramalangadingdong · 17/12/2023 19:35

Tandora · 17/12/2023 18:09

It sounds like she needs to be sectioned since she is clearly a danger to others! Honestly, the state of mental health service these days. Someone who has alcohol induced psychosis and is behaving in this way needs help. I’d help her home OP, and then I’d work on getting her sectioned. But maybe I’m naive..

This is what I would do too. People thinking that leaving her to hit rock bottom in order to spark a desire for recovery doesn’t ring true to me. Works for some but not for others.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 17/12/2023 19:39

On her present situation:
She was able to get herself a flight out - despite her troubles. She has capacity when sober. No doubt -once sober- she can get herself home if she has to.

I understand the sympathy but also that you cannot control someone else's drinking or make them better.

You can stay with them - and suffer their actions - or steer away and wait.

Some people get out of this illness and start living again. (Some don't but nothing you could do would change this.)

iljafjpr · 17/12/2023 19:39

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 18:50

If it was my own mum I would most definitely leave her though and in fact I wouldn't even be made aware b cause I've not spoke to her for almost ten years. My own mother was horrifically abusive and almost killed me twice, and also neglected my siblings health needs so bad that he actually died so bit different..

That is truly awful OP and I am sorry you had to go through that.

MIL might not have almost killed someone or neglected someone's health leading to their death BUT she is also horrifically abusive.
You say in the OP She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town and also she threw her own shit at FIL.

It's not about which of your mother or MIL is worse. It's about DH and FIL saying, enough is enough, and removing themselves from further escalation of abusive behaviour towards them.

If FIL and DH refuse to pay to get her home the embassy will pay to get her back but they will follow up to recoup the costs from her. Which in effect means that FIL will most likely end up paying for it.
I think they are right to say enough is enough and let her face the consequences.

Mikimoto · 17/12/2023 19:39

pretty sure Embassy loan money for ticket, to be repaid

ClareBlue · 17/12/2023 19:40

Ramalangadingdong · 17/12/2023 19:30

People are bloody horrible. I hate alcohol but I would drink too if I could so that I could blot it all out. We live in an awful uncaring world. However op, you are one of the kind ones. You have a good heart. And that is something to be proud of.

sorry everyone. I am going through a really tough time.

You're right in that caring and compassion are often dismissed as weakness or not valued at all when in fact having someone genuinely care about you is worth much more than anything.
But this is having such negative impacts on everyone, there has to come a time when not helping is the actual caring for her family and for herself.
But I absolutely get that if you have a compassionate nature this is so hard to do.
TBH many don't and continue to enable children, parents, siblings, and partners their whole life. And you can not understand it unless you have been there.

PinkPlantCase · 17/12/2023 19:43

Differentstarts · 17/12/2023 19:12

I would bring her home for safety reasons then give her an ultimatum then cut her off. But I wouldn't leave a mentally unwell person abroad alone with no money and a language barrier.

I agree with this. It worries me how vulnerable she may be to sexual violence especially if she becomes homeless over there.

When someone says they want to keep drinking until they die surely that’s a huge mental health issue! Slow suicide. Sorry to hear that she hasn’t had more help from mental health services.

Snippit · 17/12/2023 19:44

She needs to be accountable for her behaviour. Like you’ve mentioned she blames everyone else for her problems. She has an illness and now it’s time for her to own it, it’s a horrible situation to have to deal with but your husband is right.

Mr father in law was an alcoholic, the medics kept telling him it would kill him, it did. My husband was gutted that they put cause of death as ‘alcoholism’ on his death certificate. Unfortunately that was what killed him, he was told and carried on regardless, he led his adult children a merry old dance, they were sick of it in the end, so selfish.

LardyCakeAgain · 17/12/2023 19:48

It's fine for PPs here to give glib responses of 'leave her to it' - they won't have to live with themselves and the consequences of that decision later. How would you all feel if you or your children were assaulted in your home town by a homeless, withdrawing, delusional, alcoholic from Spain? Whose family knew that they were a danger to themselves or others but decided not to try and bring them home? Admit it, a good proportion of you would be baying for blood....

Twilight7777 · 17/12/2023 19:48

You need to leave her to it. She’s got to get to rock bottom on her own or nothing will change.

Merrymouse · 17/12/2023 19:52

This is what I would do too. People thinking that leaving her to hit rock bottom in order to spark a desire for recovery doesn’t ring true to me. Works for some but not for others.

The point is not that it will definitely spark a desire for recovery, but that that the only other option is enabling her drinking and abuse. If her husband and son want to disengage, the OP should be helping them to do that.

diddl · 17/12/2023 19:54

I wonder what happened to her original return ticket?

Did she take no money or cards as she expected her husband to pay for her whilst there?

If they will be billed by the Embassy for organising a flight then would it be cheaper for them to organise & pay themselves?

I can see though that there might be a risk of her missing the flight/not being allowed on?

If she really has no money is she sleeping at the airport?

What a mess!

1983Louise · 17/12/2023 19:54

You sound an understanding person to still bother about her at this stage of her life. You now need to practice tough love with her, perhaps this will be a wake up call for her.

Merrymouse · 17/12/2023 19:54

LardyCakeAgain · 17/12/2023 19:48

It's fine for PPs here to give glib responses of 'leave her to it' - they won't have to live with themselves and the consequences of that decision later. How would you all feel if you or your children were assaulted in your home town by a homeless, withdrawing, delusional, alcoholic from Spain? Whose family knew that they were a danger to themselves or others but decided not to try and bring them home? Admit it, a good proportion of you would be baying for blood....

Would you feel the same if it was a woman being abused by her alcoholic husband? She is not their responsibility.

LardyCakeAgain · 17/12/2023 20:01

Merrymouse · 17/12/2023 19:54

Would you feel the same if it was a woman being abused by her alcoholic husband? She is not their responsibility.

Once it got to the point of brain damage, yes I would. FIL and OP's husband don't have to take her home once she returns to the country, but it's not on to just dump her abroad with mental health issues. I'm sure a lot of us would love to buy certain family members a one-way ticket to timbuktu but its not how decent people behave.

Assuming she doesn't have an EU passport, after 90 days she becomes an illegal immigrant anyway and may end up in some horrific deportation centre.

FloofyKat · 17/12/2023 20:02

I would leave her to it, it might be the wake up call he needs. And if it isn’t, you can’t help her until she recognises she needs that help and accepts it.

LardyCakeAgain · 17/12/2023 20:04

Alcoholism always brings out the people who decide its a blame game. It's as much a mental illness as schizophrenia, would everyone be happy for her to be left in a foreign country suffering from schizophrenic delusions?

herbetta · 17/12/2023 20:04

@AlwaysAnxiousAnnie when did the alcoholism start?? Years ago or more recently?

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 20:05

diddl · 17/12/2023 19:54

I wonder what happened to her original return ticket?

Did she take no money or cards as she expected her husband to pay for her whilst there?

If they will be billed by the Embassy for organising a flight then would it be cheaper for them to organise & pay themselves?

I can see though that there might be a risk of her missing the flight/not being allowed on?

If she really has no money is she sleeping at the airport?

What a mess!

She was due to return in two weeks time along with FiL. But she flew in rage and attacked him leaving him to leave early without her. She stayed but has since be n kicked out of the hotel. Its a package holiday, she had turned up to the airport with no luggage, no passport and no plane tickets. She has no money to buy a new ticket and no passport to travel. They have said they will sort her some travel documents if we book her a flight. She has no money because over th course of th last three months with all her delusional thinking and impulsive spending she had spent at ,least ,20k (including various loans,) on utter rubbish. FiL paid for the holiday and she actually pawned her wedding ring to get the money to fly out there as we refused to give her money. Hence, FiL is back in UK without MIL and she is there with no money or fuck all. We will be awaiting an update but my guess is they will arrange to get her back to UK tonight/tomorrow.

OP posts:
HowToSaveAWife · 17/12/2023 20:06

I'm an ex drinker, albeit not to this extent at all.

In your DH's shoes... I'd swing between either ignoring all pleas for help because I'd maxed out on forgiveness and chances OR getting her home and essentially imprisoning her at home for at least a month so she can go cold turkey and come to her fucking senses.

Ignoring her now would be easier.

Alcoholics, as I know you've said you're familiar with OP, do not suffer consequences until all safety nets are removed. If she's been sober and clear headed in the MH facility in the last few weeks then she has some understanding of what she's doing to herself.

And in that case... Leave her to it.

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 20:07

herbetta · 17/12/2023 20:04

@AlwaysAnxiousAnnie when did the alcoholism start?? Years ago or more recently?

Sh has al ays be n a.drinker but it's only in th last three months or so that it started to effect her like this, delusions, confusion etc

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 17/12/2023 20:11

On this occasion you need to let it go.

You literally cannot help this woman and she is a law unto herself

Leave her be and you will see they’ll return her home

Probably the embassy will pay

diddl · 17/12/2023 20:12

she had turned up to the airport with no luggage, no passport and no plane tickets.

Bloody hell!

I understand why the hotel kicked her out but I wonder where all her stuff went!

flowerchild2000 · 17/12/2023 20:12

I'm familiar with this condition, in slang terms it's called wet brain. It really is brain damage and she needs to be in a facility. She's not in control of herself and literally can't take responsibility. Of course it's of her own doing but it's at the point she can't improve. Sorry I don't know the ins and outs of the system where you live and how to get her secured, but it's certainly not something you should be burdened with. I'm amazed she hasn't been committed already, whoever her attending physician was/is should have arranged for it. I guess there's a lack of resources? She's a danger to herself and others. It must be so difficult to deal with, I'm sorry.

Lochness1975 · 17/12/2023 20:13

You say they said she has capacity, but that’s at ‘the time the decision or action needs to be taken’, she may have capacity in some aspects of her life but not others.

I can fully understand both arguments, but believe she needs to come home, have another capacity assessment undertaken and literally dumped on social services doorstep. She really needs a specialist supported living arrangement where she can have support around her drinking. Unfortunately they are so few and far between.

coldcallerbaiter · 17/12/2023 20:13

A couple of things that have not been mentioned.

If her travel insurance does not pay for any accident of sickness she had abroad and she is privately treated, they may still charge with bailiffs in the UK. This affects her husband.

Not sending her money. So she has no bank card on her? Had she no money of her own? Denying her access to her own funds if she did not bring a card or lost it is not ideal. A return flight can be booked on her card from the UK.

If FIL is not helping her, maybe he never wants to see him again, maybe he is hoping she’ll just die out there….hd might get the invoice for it though