Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

[AlwaysAnxiousAnnie]

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

Would you feel the same if it was your own mum?

She is in Spain

Yanbu to feel worried about her or to wish you could help. Most people have a desire to help others ( despite many answers here).

Keep supporting your DH and look after him and the people who are affected by her behaviour- that includes you.

Nope. Leave her there

This is a consequence she chose for herself. Leave her there and strongly encourage your husband to cut her off long term.

If it was my own mum I would most definitely leave her though and in fact I wouldn't even be made aware b cause I've not spoke to her for almost ten years. My own mother was horrifically abusive and almost killed me twice, and also neglected my siblings health needs so bad that he actually died so bit different..

I don't think it's unreasonable of you to feel sad or upset about things, however in your place, I wouldn't be lifting a finger to do anything to help her. I know how hard that is: my XH was an alcoholic. You tie yourself in knots trying to do everything, anything, to help and try to make them better (and to stop the abuse, dramas and various antics that go hand in hand with alcoholism). You think, "oh if I just try this or that, then it might help them stop drinking/get better". But none of it ever works when they're not interested in stopping drinking. I am so sad about XH, even now.

I don't blame your DH and DFIL for now saying that enough is enough. Also, a PP mentioned that your MIL has a spouse, who should be sorting out getting her home, as he made wedding vows "in sickness and in health, til death us do part". I made those vows too. I stuck by them for as long as I could, doing everything I could to keep the family going and to get him help (except he didn't want that help) - until years of abuse, threats to "end" me, etc took their toll. I wanted my DC and I to be safe and not scared all the time. You must look to your family and protect them as much as possible. Even if it means letting MIL sink.

FWIW, the experiences we've had with MH services haven't been exactly easy. They wouldn't touch XH due to the alcoholism/drug addiction. But then he also needed MH help too. It wasn't easy to get him sectioned either. He was in and out of units, in and out of rehab (I paid £££££s), seeing psychiatrists, psychologists, AA, NA/CA...you name it. Nothing worked because he just paid lipservice to what people wanted to hear and then lied/conned his way through the rest, and then pissed off and drank/got high.

I wish you luck and strength with all of this. It's bloody awful

I think you need to let go of being responsible for her, particularly as that is what her son wants.

You have to leave it to FIL and DH as they have the direct relationship.
FIL should be prepared for a bill from the hotel for trashing the place with S- - - and I doubt travel cover would pay for deliberate damage.

I can understand why you are worried/ feel you should help but you definitely shouldn’t help. She can look after herself and was able to book a flight out there/ travel out there herself so she is able to get back. It’s her own fault if she has no money. Even her own son and husband don’t want to help.

This will keep happening. The only thing that can end this, apart from death, is her reaching a rock bottom that is deep enough that she will give up drinking. That won’t happen if she is bailed out.

The point of my post was to ask if I am being unreasonable in trying to show some compassion to this lady despite everything and this horrible situation.

OP you're not unreasonable but in the long run it really won't help your MIL if you rush in and pick up the pieces. By the sound of it she's not going to face up to it that she's the only one causing her problems and in turn the only one that is going to decide, if at all when her drinking behavior stops.

Once she's home you'll have plenty of opportunity to get caught up in more of her drama and show compassion If you so wish.

I know I'm going against the grain here but I'd be getting her home & then leaving her to it. She sounds very unwell, and with the NHS the way it is I'd want to be certain that they haven't missed something like vascular dementia - dementia can also bring on alcoholism or make it worse. It's not Spain's responsibility to get her home, or British taxpayers' either. Get her home then remove her passport.

I would bring her home for safety reasons then give her an ultimatum then cut her off. But I wouldn't leave a mentally unwell person abroad alone with no money and a language barrier.

It’s also not OPs husbands responsibility

It sounds like she's heading towards a Korsakoff's type diagnosis: cognitive issues caused by alcohol. She may have had capacity last time she was assessed but capacity can fluctuate and applied only to a specific question at that point in time. Social services and GP cannot ignore the issues if she is a risk to herself or others which it sounds like she is more often than not.

YANBU for feeling compassion for her. What will happen if nobody pays up? If she's ranting and raving at an airport then presumably she could end up in prison or in hospital?

I think it’s entirely unreasonable to expect someone else to foot the bill for repatriation so your father in law needs to pay that but then leave her to her own devices when she’s back . If she keeps knocking doors etc then call the police .

I'm so sorry you were put through that op, and this current situation with MIL is bound to be triggering on some level for you given the overlaps.

It's good you can recognise that this is for dh to navigate with you there supporting whatever decisions he makes, but I think it's understandable that it would be hard for you to watch and experience as well. Mil is out of control and her addiction issues sound all consuming at this point in time at least, and it would be tough watching anyone go through that and repeatedly cause so much hurt and harm to themselves and those around them.

I do think it's important that all of you, dh and dil included to get support. There are lots of charities that offer free counselling or peer support for families with loved ones who are struggling with addiction. You deserve to have a network around you who really "get it".

I'm usually all for supporting a loved one going through addiction issues BUT it can't come at your own expense. It only works if you have the reserves to do it and as long as its not impacting on your family. I think the fact that mils struggles have left you open to social services etc and feeling unsafe in your own home means that it's time to cut her off completely for your little ones sake. Both you and dh have grown up affected by a loved one with issues with alcohol, I think this is a really powerful chance for you both to break that cycle and ensure your DD is shielded from dealing with the hurt and loss that you both had to deal with. So in your circumstances, I would go no contact and probably move to protect myself and my child and I'd get support to navigate the feelings around that because noone likes to feel as though they've 'given up' on someone even though that's not what you're doing. You're putting a barrier in place that can always be reviewed if mil turns things around.

I'm sorry you're all having to deal with this it sounds incredibly difficult and emotive And even though you can't act on them, your feelings are valid.

OP, do you think deep down your desire to help is because you wanted to help your own mother as a child growing up but couldn't. We all know the theories around not enabling and rock bottom etc but it's hard to separate being compassionate and caring and what we know has to be done for the good of ourselves and those close to us.
Even when you eventually just have to leave them too it, it doesn't mean you don't still feel compassion for their situation. The only thing I can add is that addicts really don't see or think as we do when seeing them self destruct. So our compassion doesn't get the outcomes we want or they probably want deep down.

People are bloody horrible. I hate alcohol but I would drink too if I could so that I could blot it all out. We live in an awful uncaring world. However op, you are one of the kind ones. You have a good heart. And that is something to be proud of.

sorry everyone. I am going through a really tough time.

@AlwaysAnxiousAnnie

The point of my post was to ask if I am being unreasonable in trying to show some compassion to this lady despite everything and this horrible situation.

The alcoholic in my life is my brother, now sober 8 years with one 'slip'.

One thing that was hard for me to settle in my mind is that I could feel compassion and I could feel sympathy for him, but I could also refuse to enable him. Those things aren't mutually exclusive. But i felt, IDK, wrong to feel for him yet do nothing. I was a big enabler basically because I did feel for him and did act on those feelings. But nothing was the right thing for me to do. It went against the grain, but I did it anyway. And it proved to be the right thing to do.

You're in a harder position because this is an 'in law' rather than your own mother. It can be hard to take that step back and let others (DH, FiL) lead the decision making. But it's the right thing to do.

Sit back, drop the rope, and let DH and FiL handle it. You need feel no guilt for doing so.

It's unfortunate but sometimes it takes something like this for alcoholics to realise just how their behaviour needs changing.

I do wonder if MIL is still drinking while 'on the streets' or has this senario forced her to be sober and put the frighteners up her, so to speak.

It's a family responsibility, however they want to divide it between them. This isn't like paying bail money, where they'd be left in jail otherwise (but with a roof over their head), & it would be OP & her husband who had to deal with the guilt if she dies of exposure or being hit by a car. No-one becomes an alcoholic for shits & giggles, its a health issue.

Your husband and FIL sound sick as chips - I'd support their refusal to help MIL.