Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

[AlwaysAnxiousAnnie]

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

The police will have made aware of her, let them deal with it. She won't be out on the cold unless she chooses to be. Leave her to it. Alcohol is have to hit rock bottom for them to make a change. She obviously isn't there yet, let her get there

Actually no, they can confiscate your passport for various reasons. Owing the foreign office £££ for repatriation costs would be a favourite. They don't just pay and the let you go again.

If you do this tonight, what happens next time when the police call and say she is lying comatose at a bus stop or is attacking someone in a shop? You need to step back, OP. You can't save her.

If you must go, do you have a friend who can go with you? MIL may behave better if there is company in the form of a stranger. If she still has any ability to manage her behavior, that is.

If DH is putting the pressure on then I would consider it. But I would

1. Insist he accompanies me
2. Make it very very very clear that he is pushing you way out of our comfort zone and putting his families idotic decisions over your little family and personal safety.
3. He must be under no illusion how much damage him pushing you to do this will put on your marriage.
4. It would be on the absolute condition that he will not speak her name to you again. She is dead to you and all the fuss and drama is his and his families to sort out.

Tbh in your situation, I would do a tactical flounce and say you are overwhelmed and going out. Turn off your phone and wait for it to blow over and come back in a few hours when they have made an alternative plan.

Big picture, she will die in a matter of months. See this as supporting him through that. That's probably why he is flip flopping between anger, not helping and caving in.

It’s absolutely not safe for you to do this.

I have asked around someone to come with but no one can. I know I'm an idiot and a push over. Its not all DH & FiL. Its my eon conscience too. If anything happens to her I would feel so guilty. The only reason I hav agreed is because I just feel bad that harm may come to her. I know that I need to take a step back and I know that by pandering and going to fetch her she will think it's acceptable. I have said she has one chance in my car. Once I collect her of she kicks off or rares up even a bit I will pull over and kick her out, and I will call the police and tell them she is a danger and I can't travel safely with her. We have agreed upon these terms between us. Myself, DH ,& FiL.

Don't go op. If the police here get involved, that might fast track her to more involvement from the agencies that need to be involved. I would not be driving someone with a history of violence towards me, in my car, even half a mile.

Better she assauts a police officer who is trained in restraint techniques and will have backup.

She could literally yank the wheel and you'd have no choice to pull over.

You are really being a fool here. Stop worrying about the guilt, her own son and husband aren't prepared to do this.

You are being unnecessarily reckless.

No ducking way!
how do you expect to get her to exit the vehicle if she kicks off?
are you not worried at all that she will attack you?

You have a baby.

You need to give your head a wobble and put your child having a mother first.

This. Also there is no way you would pull over and kick her out of the car. MIL does not hit rock bottom because there is always I'll just help this one last time. Which is fine if that's how you chose to live. I just don't understand the point of making this thread then.

If she isn't safe by herself, the Police have a duty of care to her and they will ensure that she is safe, contacting appropriate agencies.

If you collect her, she becomes your problem and won't get access to anything.

For her safety, refuse. Stop being all 'I'm such a pushover, but at least I'm kind' and put her needs rather than wants and the safety and wellbeing of her husband first.

She is more likely to be in danger if you start driving and then have to stop and call the police than if the police deal with her in the airport. The consequences at the side of the road could be so much worse.
For her safety, not to mention yours, it's better if the proper actions are taken at the airport when she lands, not an hour later at the roadside.

This is not safe. Do not do it. You said you would walk away. Do so. Now.

She is coming back to the UK, which should be relief enough. Now drop the rope.

If you feel guilty, then deal with feeling guilty - suck it up, as they say these days. But don't assuage your guilt by giving in to her, FGS!

@AlwaysAnxiousAnnie https://www.warringtonguardian.co.uk/news/23368660.crash-fears-drunk-passenger-grabbed-steering-wheel-m62/
You might not be as lucky

You talk about feeling guilty for not helping her, what would your guilt be if she causes you to injure or kill someone?

You need to step back OP. Your need to assuage your 'conscience' is not helping and is indulgent. This won't end well if you don't.

Who is watching your child while you go on this journey?

Just to minimise problems in the car can you make sure she sits in the back?

And if there is any agro when you collect her, do not let her into the car.

It is all well and good everyone saying ‘don’t pick her up’ it is very hard when you are in that situation. Sometimes you have to do what you can live with as well. This way she is home and the the OP can move on with no contact.

Oh bloody hell, please don't say you'll be picking her up with a child in tow?!

I wouldn’t help her. Her immediate family get to make that call, unless you’ve grown up with this sort of behaviour you don’t know what it’s like.

It's really not realistic. Some bogus agreement that you're going to pull over and kick her out? Who says you'll get that chance? It's much more likely that she'll suddenly attack you. And who says she'll calmly get out of your car if you do manage to pull over? It's much more likely that she'll attack you or just refuse to get out. What will you do then? Are you going to physically drag her out and throw her to the side of the road? No, I thought not. Call the police and sit by the side of the road until they get there? If you're going to do that, just let the police take her directly from the airport!

And what if she grabs the wheel or distracts you at the wrong time you could end up dead or terribly disabled, even paralyzed.

If your conscience is going to bother you, it should bother you that you may possibly leave your DH without his wife, your children (if any) without their mother, and your extended family without a sister, niece, or aunt. Not to mention the loss to any friends you have. All this you're willing to sacrifice for a woman who will not help herself. And the kicker is that your own husband, and your FiL, are both willing for you to do this.

You are valuable. You are worth keeping safe. Don't put yourself in this position.

You need to be very careful in your decision not to support your DH in his decisions with his mother.

I ended two relationships when people decided that they knew better than me how I should deal with my abusive, alcoholic father.

It takes a lot to decide to go NC with a parent. Having the person that is supposed to have your back in life undermine that is exceptionally difficult to deal with.

Be careful you don't become an accidental flying monkey.

Edited - I've just seen your DH supports this so ignore that.

But keep the flying monkey point in mind.

Lady you got serious inner issues of your own to sort out.

Putting yourself in real danger like this is stupid.

Woman up, handle your own guilt and put your own child first. Right now you're being self-indulgent.