Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

520 replies

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:02

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

OP posts:
Tacotortoise · 18/12/2023 18:29

I mean this in the nicest possible way, I really do, but grow a spine/put your foot down and say "no". You're cutting her off right? You can start that at the airport. Or is it that they're no longer going to bother with enable her so now it's down to you?

piscofrisco · 18/12/2023 18:29

Well then that's the process. And when there is no safe relative to come and get her they call social services/the mental health team and that way she hopefully gets some help.

diddl · 18/12/2023 18:30

She has a husband & son-no need for her DIL to get involved imo.

Tacotortoise · 18/12/2023 18:30

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 18/12/2023 18:27

I think there has been talk of her passport being confiscated by authorities too. Hence why we were told a family member must meet her at the other end or else they will be forced to get the police to intervene which would be fine and what's needed but they will only be calling us up and expecting us to get her anyway?

Who are "they"? And why can't you say no to them too?

IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM

HowToSaveAWife · 18/12/2023 18:31

Personally I'd leave the cops deal with her. No one gets their passport confiscated - or even potentially taken - without some serious behaviour issues.

I wouldn't be alone with an alcoholic in psychosis/on a comedown/generally aggressive while driving a vehicle.

Do not do this. Value your life more than the situation she's landed herself in.

diddl · 18/12/2023 18:32

FiL and DH have discussed and once she is safely at home, they are going to cut her off completely

How convenient for them!

Perhaps you should tell them that you are cutting her off now?

Avatartar · 18/12/2023 18:34

Come on OP you have to say no - if she is attacking people it’s not safe for you to be driving a car with her in it, whether you have anxiety or not. Can she not be arrested at the airport when she kicks off? How about asking “whoever” is saying she needs a lift, to give you a police escort as that’s what’s needed and they’ll say no to that, so you say there’s no one to do it - she’ll have to stay at the airport. This is your chance to get help for her from an agency as she can’t stay at the airport

Lunde · 18/12/2023 18:41

This is just ridiculous. Did you actually hear this from the Embassy/police directly or is is via MIL? It could just be another attempt at manipulation - like how she miraculously "found" her passport when nobody sent her money.

Why would you even contemplate driving a violent alcoholic who is not even your actual relative. You really need to put your foot down and say no - you are not prepared to take the risk and let the police and SS decide what to do.

DancesWithDucks · 18/12/2023 18:41

Just be sure she isn't drunk and tries to open the door when you're going at 70 on the motorway or grab the steering wheel and start to twist it, like a close relative of mine did (both of those)

DancesWithDucks · 18/12/2023 18:41

You know, what happens if you say No ?

Try it and find out.

diddl · 18/12/2023 18:43

I think there has been talk of her passport being confiscated by authorities too. Hence why we were told a family member must meet her at the other end or else they will be forced to get the police to intervene

I don't get this tbh.

Confiscated passport therefore she must be met?

Edited to add-she will have flown unescorted but must be met at the airport?

Also earlier your husband was willing to fetch her from the airport (how?) but now not because of her behaviour but thinks it's ok for you to?

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 18/12/2023 18:46

It was a lady from airport at the other end, a foreign lady that worked at the airport and has been sat with MIL all day and made to escort her onto the plane etc etc she said that the embassy are involved and that the behaviour she has shown whilst at the airport warrants her to have an escort off the premises at this end but I'm not sure this is true b cause if they were that bothered I'm.sure they would call air police or something. Is that a thing,,? I know what everyone.is saying, but we are all concerned that she become.seriously unwell (if she's not already,,) and leaving her out in the freezing cold late at night with no money or luggage (it's been lost) etc is inhumane. I don't know.. I just feel terrible, I know that I'm taking a risk but also my heart is saying you can't just leave her. It is completely against my better judgement.

OP posts:
BeadedBubbles · 18/12/2023 18:47

Please just say NO! There is nobody able to pick her up. You can't possibly drive her without another responsible adult in the car to try and control her. If you had an accident you might find your insurers play up if it turns out you willingly allowed a deranged and aggressive passenger into your car.

goingslightlyinsane · 18/12/2023 18:47

Please don't go. Put your foot down. Blame your anxiety. Blame anything just don't do it.
Let the police intervene, if they call you at the other end just say you (and all family) do not want to get involved.
The perfect opportunity to cut ties NOW.

diddl · 18/12/2023 18:48

Op you can't take the risk.

Surely she either needs escorting by someone trained to do it or she doesn't need escorting?

Lunde · 18/12/2023 18:48

The passport "confiscation" story sounds like bullshit - I thought police in the UK could only confiscate a passport where terrorism is suspected?

I see why she does it though. As a family you seem easy to manipulate as one sob story and you all run back to "help" her despite claiming you would cut her off. Yesterday she was claiming to have no travel documents and to be "stranded" - yet when nobody dashed to send her money she "found" her passport and is back in the UK 24 hours later ... and now you are dashing to sort out her onward travel arrangements

Redshoeblueshoe · 18/12/2023 18:50

Seriously you cannot collect her on your own

goingslightlyinsane · 18/12/2023 18:50

Lunde · 18/12/2023 18:48

The passport "confiscation" story sounds like bullshit - I thought police in the UK could only confiscate a passport where terrorism is suspected?

I see why she does it though. As a family you seem easy to manipulate as one sob story and you all run back to "help" her despite claiming you would cut her off. Yesterday she was claiming to have no travel documents and to be "stranded" - yet when nobody dashed to send her money she "found" her passport and is back in the UK 24 hours later ... and now you are dashing to sort out her onward travel arrangements

Edited

Exactly this

QueenofTerrasen · 18/12/2023 18:52

Absolutely do not do this.
Once she's back in the uk she can sort herself out. Do not collect her.

NalafromtheLionKing · 18/12/2023 18:54

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 18/12/2023 18:46

It was a lady from airport at the other end, a foreign lady that worked at the airport and has been sat with MIL all day and made to escort her onto the plane etc etc she said that the embassy are involved and that the behaviour she has shown whilst at the airport warrants her to have an escort off the premises at this end but I'm not sure this is true b cause if they were that bothered I'm.sure they would call air police or something. Is that a thing,,? I know what everyone.is saying, but we are all concerned that she become.seriously unwell (if she's not already,,) and leaving her out in the freezing cold late at night with no money or luggage (it's been lost) etc is inhumane. I don't know.. I just feel terrible, I know that I'm taking a risk but also my heart is saying you can't just leave her. It is completely against my better judgement.

Do leave her. The authorities absolutely need to be involved and FIL and DH are going to cut her off anyway.

This situation has come to a head and you should just stay out of it now.

Crumpleton · 18/12/2023 19:01

It doesn't have to be down to you but at the very least your DH/FIL should go with you, you say DH is working but he should either inform his work that he needs some time off or let whoever called you know that you're not going to collect his DM as you are concerned how she'll behave once you are driving.

OP if you don't want to continue being put upon by your MIL then only you can do something about, but if you're happy to continue then do so. She sounds as though she brings nothing but trouble to your life.

ErikaReadsTheDailyMail · 18/12/2023 19:03

Honestly what will it take?
There will always be another reason for her to erode your family.
You have to stop.
If she's got back from Spain to the UK she can get an hour down the road.
Please don't do this OP. You have to draw the line.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/12/2023 19:11

@AlwaysAnxiousAnnie

Oh please don't do this! You must understand that you are endangering your safety by having an abusive, delusional, and potentially violent person in your car! What would you do if she lunged for the wheel, if she started hitting you or grabbing you? Or even just started screaming abuse at you? You could end up in a horrible crash, potentially seriously injuring yourself and some other innocent motorist, or worse. Even just feeling terribly anxious when we're driving can affect our judgement and our reflexes.

You must tell DH and FiL that you simply are not going to take that chance and they have no right to ask it of you. In fact, they have no right to ask you to do anything that they are not willing to do themselves. Just as they wanted to control the decisions about what to do about her, so they now need to follow through with the results of that decision. IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, IT IS DH'S AND FIL'S. I'm especially pissed at FiL. He is a grown ass man. It is not 'understandable' that he thinks his DiL should go in his place to pick up his deranged wife and thereby potentially subject that DiL to injury or abuse. Actually, the same goes for your DH. Don't be the 'soft place to land' for them, they need to shoulder the effects of their decision. Yes, they made the right decision. But it's not on for them to thrust the aftereffects on you.

I'm sure airline/airport officials will escort her to the exit gate and if no one is there, the authorities will be called. And that will be a good thing!!!

SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 19:14

Let the airport and police handle it.

momonpurpose · 18/12/2023 19:15

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 18/12/2023 18:18

UPDATE
Guess which muggins is being roped into picking her up. She has been allowed to board a flight but it has been said by the airport authorities that someone must meet her at the other end. FiL understandable won't go, my DH doesn't actually drive so it's on me. FiL and DH have discussed and once she is safely at home, they are going to cut her off completely. Its 60 miles drive there and 60 miles drive back. I have anxiety anyway but I'm very anxious because I just don't know how what frame of mind she is going to be in and I know she is going to be hostile.

Edited

They can't force you. Just don't go.You are only roped in if you go.