Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

[AlwaysAnxiousAnnie]

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

Why, because they don't see the family as responsible for the issues caused by the addict? How is ' I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it' not true?

It’s obviously true. Some people just can’t help being snippy about AA and AlAnon, despite their being more successful than any professional agency in supporting alcoholics and their families in their recovery. It makes me wonder what their agenda is.

I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel?

At this point I would have long stopped having any involvement with her. She's an extremely volatile and abusive addict who refuses to get any treatment for either her addiction or the mental illness that apparently goes along with it, and she's a danger to other people. I know it's awful but you need to leave her to it. She is basically determined to drink herself to death regardless and you all need to stop engaging with her.

It's horrible and upsetting and sad, but at this stage there is nothing you can do for her and she is harming you all.

I would also add that it's possible to have an addiction and/or a mental illness and - entirely separate from that - just to be a horrible person as well. She may well be one of those types; it certainly sounds like it to me.

I am relieved to hear she is getting back to the UK. As a couple of PP have said, she is a vulnerable adult however this came about.

I agree that you need to step away now, but saddened by the attitude of many posters that blame MIL without a second thought or, seemingly, a moment's compassion.

Glad to hear she's getting home. As the person who needs the council home and disabled adaptations I'd suggest she stays in the bungalow, especially as your FIL has the means to privately rent, as you mentioned. Alcoholism and family abuse doesn't lose them their entitlement to social housing.

No point writing him an eviction letter, as a single man in the housing crisis they're not going to be able to magic up anything but an emergency B&B/hostel.

Poor FIL
, he should ar least get in touch with housing for advice to see if they can do anything for him, and at least to sever the financial link so he doesn't end up getting chased for non payment of rent or council tax.

Why should the council house him? He can rent privately according to the OP.

@anythinginapinch
indeed
OP suggests she is trying to sort something with the council however which suggests getting them to house him is an option. But renting privately if possible is likely to be more straightforward, if indeed he can afford it

Whatever your opinion on tbe 12 steps, I can’t think of any reason to disagree with ‘I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it’ as best approach for families.

I think it’s less about attitude and more about experience.

I have compassion for her family.

Leave her there. No good will come of you helping her. She needs to find rock bottom and she needs to do it soon. It's the only way she might accept needing some help.

I too have compassion for her family. And I agree they need to step away.

If you read my previous post, you will see that in fact I do have some experience of this.

What you can do is this. You can get support for yourselves as you are all affected by her drinking. Other than leave her to it. You're enabling her if you do help.

Link: al-anon.org/

Even if you have direct experience that is just one experience, but from your post I don’t think you have experience of being the next of kin whose only option is to cut contact or continue being abused?

No, I haven't had that exact experience. But my knowledge derives from many people who have had problems with alcohol over the years, so not just one experience.

It's the attitude of blame which I am sad about, not the decisions to walk away, which I endorse.

@Rosscameasdoody I'm not callous and nor did I suggest the family 'abandon' a family member. I said they need to emotionally and physically distance and that is indeed the case. An elderly man can not be expected to put up with physical and emotional abuse from his alcoholic spouse. Her son shouldn't feel guilty when he says no to her demands. He has to have boundaries all he will end up ill himself.
With respect, your sad experience with your sister-in-law is a very different one to the horror of living with an alcoholic relative in your own home. This whole family seem to be at the end of their tether and despite what happened to your poor SIL there is no guarantee that this lady will die soon. The family could continue to suffer the consequences of the lady's drinking for years, while she continues to blame and deny that she has a problem.
The OP needs practical advice to deal with what is happening now. There's very little point at this stage in trying to understand when and why the drinking problem arose, and the alcoholic is the last person to ask. There could have been a genetic link, childhood trauma, self-medicating depression but the alcoholic will snatch at any 'reason' suggested and use it as an excuse to allow them to continue to drink. Counselling isn't a realistic option until they're sober. And sobriety seems vanishingly unlikely in this lady's circumstances.

It's the attitude of blame which I am sad about, not the decisions to walk away, which I endorse.

Violent and abusive people sometimes use alcohol to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

It's likely to be a condition of tenancy that nobody abuses another tenant. So she could be evicted. And homelessness legislation allows for somebody who technically has a home to be rehomed when they are fleeing domestic abuse. Just because it's a man who is the victim doesn't change that, nor does the fact that it's at least tenuously connected to alcohol abuse.

If they're refusing to provide him with accommodation because he could go back and be abused further, they're breaking the law.

I knew an alcoholic who died a horrible sudden death whilst drinking in a foreign bar.

I feel very sorry for this lady as she doesn’t realise that if she doesn’t cut down, then stop drinking, her future won’t have any brightness in it (and will probably be horrible).

UPDATE
Guess which muggins is being roped into picking her up. She has been allowed to board a flight but it has been said by the airport authorities that someone must meet her at the other end. FiL understandable won't go, my DH doesn't actually drive so it's on me. FiL and DH have discussed and once she is safely at home, they are going to cut her off completely. Its 60 miles drive there and 60 miles drive back. I have anxiety anyway but I'm very anxious because I just don't know how what frame of mind she is going to be in and I know she is going to be hostile.

DO NOT DO THIS. She can get a cab, a bus, a train like anyone else. She can sort her own legalities out. 120 miles as an anxious driver, 60 of them with an unknown quantity? No.

Oh come on!

Your husband will at least go with you?

I know I know..you all think I'm crazy. My DH is at work until lat and couldn't driv anyway. Shes got no money on her.. I rang a taxi to get a quote and it's about £150 which she doesn't have and frankly neither do we.

I think there has been talk of her passport being confiscated by authorities too. Hence why we were told a family member must meet her at the other end or else they will be forced to get the police to intervene which would be fine and what's needed but they will only be calling us up and expecting us to get her anyway?

Public transport? You cannot go on your own to pick up a hostile alcoholic and be alone with her in the car for 60 miles as an already nervous driver. It's not safe. And it's not a fair ask.