Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

[AlwaysAnxiousAnnie]

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

I am the family of more than one alcoholic and an alcoholic in recovery and through them know many other alcoholics in recovery.

Sometimes abandoning a family member is the only thing you can do.

You do not have to support an abusive parent or spouse because alcohol is part of the problem.

I think it depends on the country OP. If it's a place where she could easily come to harm, I'd be inclined to get her home so she is at least safe but outside of that, take no further responsibility.

But if your DH's family decide to leave her to her own devices, then sooner or later someone will get her home, whether that's the Embassy or the airline. No one wants the bad PR of allowing a woman who is an out of control alcoholic, roaming around solo in another country.

I think when she is home you have some tough decisions to make. You can't go on like this especially as you've clearly been through it all yourself as a child and know full well the long term effects of it all.

It sounds sadly that the best thing would be a longer term section but I realise that's not something you can arrange. Does your FIL have a social worker? He's in an abusive relationship so he might fall into the category of vulnerable adult.

I am sorry you're going through this. It must be exhausting.

UPDATE
The embassy are no longer involved, she has found her passport. The holiday provider is putting her on one of their flights back to UK this afternoon. I've spoken to her and she is completely delusional full of excuses as to why it's not her fault and just telling us blatant lies. She wants a lift from the airport but seeing as she will be in the UK I think I'll let her make her own way. I'm so upset because even now she can't see what she's done and it's still everyone's fault but her own.

she will be fine, as i predicted.
at least she will be in the country.
be strong for your dh op

"I think I'll let her make her own way home"

errrr... yes!! Even your comment here shows you are almost prepared to fart around after her. Damn yes she can sort her own way home

Stop even thinking of enabling her sorry self

She's a manipulative, malignant narcissist (whether or not she had a diagnosis of npd) who preys on your kindness and empathy. When faced with withdrawal of support, she 'miraculously' found her passport and can sort herself out. Let her continue to do so op. She might be vulnerable in the sense that her drinking is killing her but she's obviously capable of pulling things together when she has to.

Please please don't cave.

DH was at first prepared to fetch her from airport then she started with the delusions and lies and abusive over the phone so now he's said that was her one chance to take some responsibility which she has again refused to do so I guess shes on her own. I feel less guilty leaving her at the air port an hour away than a whole different country.

Absolutely! @AnotherCrazyCatLady But it is also (3) that the FIL has to take some responsibility for booking this holiday and then going on it, alone, despite the blow-up the night Why? So he should stay at home and be abused by a vile drunk, or take the risk of taking a vile abusive drunk on an aircraft? What responsibilities does he have?

She’s jolly lucky to be put on a plane

sadly you need to totally disengage and support your dh in his choices from now on

Betting open on if she'll miraculously find funds for the airport bar or shop!

I'm so upset because even now she can't see what she's done and it's still everyone's fault but her own.

I sympathise and empathise.

My closest alcoholic family member now has dementia as well as alcohol related brain damage (older than your MIL) and although I know that they genuinely don’t have a firm grip on reality, it’s difficult because they rely on the same script they have always used to manipulate others.

Do the thing, drink to avoid dealing with the consequences, pretend the thing didn’t happen, repeat.

There's only so many chances people are prepared to give. She's made her bed.

Is your FIL going to separate from her?

He says he is but I'm not so sure, I think he believes there's a small chance she can get better even though the rest of us know she won't. This situation is proof, she's been in this horrid situation yet is completely unphased by it because it's not her fault yada yada she thinks she's getting her money back from the holiday and all sorts.

I think all your energy needs to go into protecting FIL.
its not on for her to be depleting his assets or living in fear of her.

can he afford to pay the rent? If he kicks her out and she is homeless the council should kick in and find somewhere for her to live.

Well this is a grey area. She is still inhabiting their bungalow because it's disabled adapted for her needs. They are both in the tenancy but the council have said.neither one can kick the other out but he can't live there with her because of the risk she loses to him which is why he is living in our attic space (it is an actual attic convert,) the council have refused to help him as he's not actually homeless. I will be accompanying him to the council this week to try and sort something. He does have the means to pay for a private rent if necessary.

Well she wasn't going to say "I'm SO sorry for what I've put everyone through and the drinking ends now" was she?

And sorry, but if your DH was originally prepared to collect her at the airport then he clearly doesn't mean it about being "done"

Sounds like you've all got a long way to go on this one, but I hope you get there in the end

The vile drunk has been diagnosed with alcohol related brain damage and psychosis. The fact that it’s self inflicted is irrelevant. It’s still a safeguarding issue because it sounds as though MIL no longer has the capacity to control her actions. The holiday was a bad idea to start with, but leaving his wife alone to go by himself was worse. You can only guess at what disaster he may have come home to if she hadn’t followed.

I appreciate that the family are at their wits end but if our own experience is anything to go by, the situation will resolve itself in the not too distant future. Because if MiL’s drinking has caused damage to her brain resulting in psychosis, there will likely also be damage other organs, and her overall health will be severely compromised. If she continues to drink, the next manifestation will likely be uncontrollable seizures, followed by coma and death.

How did she manage to get a flight from the airline? Did the embassy pay or her?

Good outcome, let her figure things out by herself in the UK but not abroad

wishing strength to your FIL

@Rosscameasdoody so you don't support Al-anons advice to family.... " I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it" but are more of the, 'what they do and what happens to them if they keep drinking will be your fault'?

the council have refused to help him as he's not actually homeless.

Unfortunately I think you may have to write an eviction notice and get your FIL to hand it to the housing department.
Sounds harsh but it'll hopefully get your FIL a little place of his own.

But remember he really does need to remove his name from the tenancy agreement for the house your MIL still lives in as he'll still be responsible for any debts in rent/rates to the council if his name remains on it.

Agree he can declare himself homeless and you say (in writing if needed) he can’t stay with you long term and the council should step in

The MIL has been offered and declined help and support prior to the brain injury.
She has been assessed by professionals as having capacity - at times. She may well have the mental capacity right now to be making unwise decisions. The OP has a young child who takes priority and the MIL is a potential risk to that child.

The Anonymous fellowships are not the definitive authority on how to handle these situations.

I don’t imagine that any authority on addiction encourages the addict’s family to see themselves as responsible for the addict’s actions.