Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

[AlwaysAnxiousAnnie]

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

I work with dementia patients myself as a qualified HCA. She does not have dementia.. it is psychosis.

You are absolutely vile.

She's already said he is 75, ex forces.

But because he doesn't own his own house he isn't allowed to spend his pension on a holiday?

OP you sound between a rock and a hard place and want somewhere to rant. You're doing the right thing following DH wishes, must be worrying for you as it's out of your control. It sounds like you're very kind and try to help where you can. Fingers crossed she will sort the mess out and have a wake up call she needs. That's all you can do really.

If she pawned her wedding ring to fly out and landed with no money, then who the hell paid for all this alcohol that she’s had access to?

Pease don’t tell me they went all inclusive so she could drink as much as she wanted, when she wanted. If this is the case then your FIL is a massive idiot for booking this type of holiday for an alcoholic.

Yes, I realise that. And alcohol related brain damage. The point I was making was if the thing with bodily fluids is common to both conditions - i.e because they involve brain function/psychosis it could be an indication that the condition is more advanced than they think. My mum has vascular dementia and as the condition has worsened it has caused psychosis with delusions and hallucinations. I just wondered if there was a link.

You might find by leaving her to her own devices and in the hands of the embassy you receive better help from mental health services on her return home. The embassy will be obliged to inform agencies that you wouldn’t pay due to issues within the family.

I honestly think MIL is well beyond the 'wake up call' and 'reaching rock-bottom' scenarios. She has brain damage. She can only think of her need for another drink and is in complete denial that she has a problem. She isn't going to come back from Spain full of apologies and ready to join AA. The woman is set on a path of self-destruction. You don't need to walk that road with her. Distance yourselves both physically and emotionally and encourage your FIL to divorce her.

I find it really weird that your fil booked to go on holiday with her. Why did he do that? Also, if things are so bad why is he still married to her? As long as she is part of the family he has some responsibility for her. I agree with others that he should file for divorce. Like you op I feel sorry for this woman. What happened in her life to lead to this?

Because of her actions, Its not clear that the MIL has a home.

You say you are not an enabler, but don't seem to realise that paying for her ticket home out of compassion would be enabling.

Your feelings are very much misplaced. You need to get (back) to Al-Anon, and get yourself some (more) counselling.

In this situation, the only consideration should be whether it will be cheaper for FIL to pay upfront for the ticket because the authorities will bill him anyway, or whether it will make no difference to the overall cost he has to pay, in which case he may as well leave her there for as long as possible.
That is the ONLY relevant thing here.

If she dies on the streets out there - it is not your fault. You didn't cause it, you are not responsible, and there was nothing you could do to prevent it. Whether she dies on the streets in Spain or in an NHS hospital or under some other circumstance, is not up to you to try and control and decide.

Your feelings are not good for you, and they don't make you a 'good' person, just a messed-up and naïve one.

Save your sympathy for your DH, and possibly also FIL (although he is not blameless in this mess).

Your DiL and DH are right to leave her
You likely feel deeply as you grew up with an alcoholic yourself
Extremely difficult for you all

So despite the fact that she now has brain damage and psychosis you are advocating that her closest family, including her spouse, abandon her to her fate ? As I said before, no-one has really stopped to think about why she is on a path of self destruction.

It was the same with my SiL. She was in complete denial and vicious to anyone who tried to help - said she had no wish to give up drinking and refused to engage with GP and other services. She eventually had a bad fall and when she was admitted to hospital the full extent of the alcohol related damage was revealed, and it was horrendous. Brain damage, psychosis, hallucinations, delusions, organ failure, cirrhosis. She eventually had to be put into an induced coma because she was having uncontrolled seizures. She died within a few weeks.

Once someone embarks on this path it’s like a roller coaster and I fear your MiL is destined to a fate similar to my SiL. Family and friends can’t stop her, but eventually the alcohol abuse itself, will. I’m so sorry you’re all going through this. Does anyone have any idea if this was triggered by anything specific ? I can’t help but feel that something must have gone very wrong at some point in her life, for her to be so self destructive.

Do you really not think the OP and her DH haven’t considered the reasons behind his mother’s alcoholism? Do you not think that the families of addicts think about these things? However understanding why, does not make the relationship less abusive.

As I said before, no-one has really stopped to think about why she is on a path of self destruction.

Im sure OP knows why - she isn’t asking for help in understanding the circumstances. She asking about the situation that is currently live and ongoing.

I think FIL needs to file for divorce - he will then no longer have responsibility for her and she will get more help than she’s getting now.

The British embassy should help and I’m sure they have emergency funds to fund her flight - they may try to recover costs but if FIL has no money they can’t enforce it.

It isn’t nice thinking of family stuck - but what can you realistically do?

My SiL was in more or less the same situation and the effects of the alcohol abuse killed her eventually. So I am the family of an addict, and I know that understanding why they do what they do, absolutely doesn’t make the relationship any less abusive. But there’s always a chance that if you can get to the root cause, you can better relate to the person and better target whatever help they will allow you to give. Abandoning anyone to their fate when they are suffering from brain damage and mental health issues is callous. Abandoning a family member is unconscionable.

I do feel compassion for your MIL. I have seen a fair number of my friends and friends of friends battling with alcohol - and not battling with alcohol, but succombing to it. Some have died.

Alcohol is a dangerous addictive drug. It helps people forget things, it helps make them brave, it helps them cope with a stressful job, or a bad marriage. And it can take hold.

To me, it matters not how this woman came to be stranded in Spain in a confused state. Surely it is better to be confused in the UK, somewhere you know, instead of in foreign parts.

I've watched a few Mary Berry Christmas cookery shows recently. The attitude to alcohol shown in these programmes (and other similar cookery programmes) makes me very uncomfortable. "Oooh, sherry in the trifle, it isn't a proper one without it, hmm that smell, we all love a little tipple at Christmas," eyes lighting up at the sight or mention of booze etc etc.

By DIL do you mean daughter in law (your husband's sister) or Dad in law (her husband)?

Ok sorry just read on and see that's been answered. Just confused as usually it's MIL and FIL as accepted acronyms on here.

Surely nobody should be left abandoned in a foreign country? Especially not someone who suffers with their mental health problem.

I think that what MIL is choosing to do is tragic and frustrating, but it isn't your responsibility to save her, and she won't let you help her anyway.

Ultimately your responsibility is to support your spouse in this situation, and I think your loyalty should lie with him.

OP, assuming MIL gets back today, what are the next steps? Will FIL move back in with you? Does he need to start moving his things out of the rented home and give notice on the lease? Will he start divorce proceedings? It sounds like MIL will have to live on her own as she will not agree to go into some sort of supported living arrangement. It is a horrible situation but right now I’d focus on next steps for FIL.

This is absolutely awful. I had no idea someone could cause themselves brain damage from drinking, and for it to go so downhill within the span of 3 months is terrifying.

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to drop a message of support for you and your DH/FIL. An awful situation to be in.

And if everyone else's physical, mental and emotional health is destroyed in this journey that's OK? MIL is to be centered and they all even if it results in total family breakdown is just a by product of things? The MIL is the callous one with unconscionable actions. She was together and coped to book to get herself out there.

Not allowing an addicted family member to destroy you all is not callous or unconscionable at all.

That you could deal with your SIL (which is a very different relationship to a wife or mother) daily until her death does not mean that other families who put their mental health first are callous.

Some of us have no choice but to walk away lest the addictions sink us all.

I'm swimming against the tide!

The MIL is profoundly unwell. It sounds like her psychosis and brain damage are such that she is incapable of making rational decisions or of looking after herself. If the consular staff really need the family to make a flight booking, then I can imagine doing that (and I therefore understand the reaction of the OP). This is mainly about (1) safety and (2) the appropriate location for the MIL's care being the UK and not Spain. But it is also (3) that the FIL has to take some responsibility for booking this holiday and then going on it, alone, despite the blow-up the night before.

For avoidance of doubt, I think it is fair enough for him to draw a line and withdraw support, on the basis of how dangerous and erratic the MIL's behaviour has become. This is solely about getting her back to the UK.