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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it was weird to show up with prawns?

352 replies

prawngate · 17/12/2023 12:04

Last night had a gathering at DM’s - DB and I plus spouses and our children.

Anyway while we were cooking DM’s phone kept ringing- her DB is calling. After a while I said we need to answer because I was worried something was wrong. In any case he then started ringing me I picked up and he checks we’re at DMs and announces he and new GF are joining us.
He goes on to say they’re bringing prawns and wants to know if we have garlic and lemon.

DM says she did mention we were getting together to him a couple of months ago but he was non committal and didn’t bring it up again.

They show up a few hours later and the new GF has a massive bag of raw prawns - with heads and eyes. She starts skinning them and stuff pulling bits out and giving my mum - who has already cooked a huge buffet for us complete with beef rib and gammon - instructions on what she needs and complaining there isn’t enough lemon.

Apparently the prawns were quite nice (I didn’t want to try them with the heads) but she sat and started cutting huge chunks of prime beef rib off and ate a TON which annoyed DB and I because we were each taking some leftovers home 🤣

Anyway AIBU to say it’s weird to show up to someone else’s Xmas do with a bag of raw prawns and then expect them to supply you with the things to cook it? (And to sit and eat other people’s leftovers)

OP posts:
PaulaPocket · 17/12/2023 12:40

isthismylifenow · 17/12/2023 12:18

Is the new gf from the Southern Hemisphere by any chance. As if so, it's a totally normal thing to do.

Show quote history

My uncle's new girlfriend [literally] came the raw prawn, and also ate my beef! Oh my lord!

ChristmasSteps295 · 17/12/2023 12:40

I'd be delighted with prawns!

She did nothing wrong. It was a nice gesture to bring along a large amount of seafood, regardless of whether you appreciated it or not. There's nothing wrong with eating food at a buffet, especially when she contributed significantly to it.

You're the one who sounds rude. You expected guests to go without so you could get leftovers, turned your nose up at perfectly normal food, and expected to have the editorial decision over your mum's guests.

OnlyCorrect · 17/12/2023 12:41

Not weird at all. Do you not socialise much, OP? Doesn't sound like you enjoy it.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/12/2023 12:42

Ringing to check the gathering was still on on the day and then turning up with food needing cooked is weird, and not particularly polite.

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 12:42

bellac11 · 17/12/2023 12:34

They were invited

OP tries to make out they werent invited

He was invited and didnt decline and in fact then later rang to check its still going ahead and they were coming

Thats accepting the invite, thats how some people are. Its not some formal black tie event, its a bit of a nibble and lunch round his sisters house. Do you think there should have been a hand written RSPV in gold pen or something to confirm?

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OP said they were invited, she didn't make out they weren't.

And no he hadn't accepted at least with any reasonable notice. You don't accept an invite after the event has already started! As OP said they hadn't prepared any vegetarian food as thought he wasn't coming.

It seems he didn't check if it was still ok to come but just said he was coming and was bringing prawns and needed ingredients to add to the dish while OPs mum was in the middle of cooking!

An RSVP in gold pen?? Surely, a text or phone call would have sufficed giving some notice. I think it's incredibly rude not to give an answer when invited somewhere and obviously if the day of the event comes and you've still not RSVPd it's reasonable to expect they aren't coming. Do people really treat family members like this? Not bothering to make a commitment to a get together but just turning up last minute?

Original poster
prawngate · 17/12/2023 12:43

fitforflight · 17/12/2023 12:35

I'd be annoyed if I was your mum, someone bringing extra food but expecting me to cook it when I've already done all the prep and cooking for the buffet food. But I don't see why you're annoyed? The only "slight" against you is that there was no beef leftover.

There was still some left. I'm about to have some.

OP posts:
Bobsyouraunty · 17/12/2023 12:44

I’m unsure about this.

Sounds like she was bringing a side dish (which is good) but she should of already made it prior in my opinion.

If they’ve been invited, and it’s a buffet why grouch at her for eating? Even if they were your supposed leftovers…did she know that

Sounds like a silly gripe at the poor woman

Lilithlogic · 17/12/2023 12:44

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/12/2023 12:42

Ringing to check the gathering was still on on the day and then turning up with food needing cooked is weird, and not particularly polite.

I don't mind if my family or friends rings in the middle of the gathering, I'd me still be elated to see them. To not be like this is totally alien alien to me. And they are welcome to bring extra food, even welcome to use the kitchen. The more the merrier.

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 12:45

Lilithlogic · 17/12/2023 12:35

So, why the formality? It's a buffet. I bet you have a butler announcing guests as they arrive 🤣🤣🤣🤣

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I would just never be so rude as to refuse to commit to a gathering I'd been invited too and then just decide to come on the day. It's just basic manners, nothing to do with formality.

TurnthePotatoes · 17/12/2023 12:45

OP you're a victim of the usual AIBU contrariness which seems to have been getting worse lately especially as people don't RTFT.
YANBU at all!
If they were that bothered about coming they could've confirmed in advance. Instead of turning up raw food, complaining about a lack of ingredients and then proceeding to eat most of the main course.

People are picking on individual bits (oh prawns are expensive) etc to make you seem like a crank but the entire picture is of someone with no social graces.

Ilovelurchers · 17/12/2023 12:46

Personally I would never turn up to a party without at least a raw prawn or two to offer the host - I think you are the weirdo for not doing so. I also eat more than my fair share of the beef, given half the chance.

That's why you'll always find me in the kitchen at parties.....

TomatoSandwiches · 17/12/2023 12:46

If anyone is bringing raw prawns to a gathering then she did it the right way and was very generous although I would have brought along garlic and lemon as well.
I'm presume she is like a pp mentioned not from the Northern hemisphere and this may have been a little culture clash, but what a lovely one!
You need to unclench op, this was your mother's house and event it is not up to you who comes and who doesn't belong.

I hope your mother kept the tasty heads they make fantastic stock.

Spirallingdownwards · 17/12/2023 12:46

fitforflight · 17/12/2023 12:35

I'd be annoyed if I was your mum, someone bringing extra food but expecting me to cook it when I've already done all the prep and cooking for the buffet food. But I don't see why you're annoyed? The only "slight" against you is that there was no beef leftover.

They didn't expect her mum to cook it though. The GF cooked it.

startquitting · 17/12/2023 12:47

Thestreets · 17/12/2023 12:13

I think you sound quite nasty OP, this women may have been trying to impress her new partners family (albeit in a non conventional sort of way!). It is clear you didn't think she belonged there and complaining that she ate "your" beef.

If she was invited to the buffet was the beef not for all the guests to enjoy? Rather than for you and your DB to have at the party and then take the left overs home?!

I agree with this.

bellac11 · 17/12/2023 12:48

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 12:42

OP said they were invited, she didn't make out they weren't.

And no he hadn't accepted at least with any reasonable notice. You don't accept an invite after the event has already started! As OP said they hadn't prepared any vegetarian food as thought he wasn't coming.

It seems he didn't check if it was still ok to come but just said he was coming and was bringing prawns and needed ingredients to add to the dish while OPs mum was in the middle of cooking!

An RSVP in gold pen?? Surely, a text or phone call would have sufficed giving some notice. I think it's incredibly rude not to give an answer when invited somewhere and obviously if the day of the event comes and you've still not RSVPd it's reasonable to expect they aren't coming. Do people really treat family members like this? Not bothering to make a commitment to a get together but just turning up last minute?

Show quote history

I answered a post of OPs where she says

There were no other friends or family invited.

But this isnt true, she was trying to make out within that post that he wasnt invited

Its a lunch and nibbles round his sisters house, he was invited, he hadnt declined.

I do wonder sometimes about some family set ups, its not an 'event', its your brother popping round to see you and share the lunch, and generously bringing some food to share.

Lilithlogic · 17/12/2023 12:48

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 12:45

I would just never be so rude as to refuse to commit to a gathering I'd been invited too and then just decide to come on the day. It's just basic manners, nothing to do with formality.

Show quote history

What a load of snooty claptrap. My family are family and we'd love if of one of us just turned up, when we thought they couldn't.

margotrose · 17/12/2023 12:48

prawngate · 17/12/2023 12:43

There was still some left. I'm about to have some.

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So what's the problem?

Spirallingdownwards · 17/12/2023 12:48

prawngate · 17/12/2023 12:43

There was still some left. I'm about to have some.

Show quote history

This gets even better. If there is still some left why on earth are you complaining she ate some?!

TurnthePotatoes · 17/12/2023 12:48

Bobsyouraunty · 17/12/2023 12:44

I’m unsure about this.

Sounds like she was bringing a side dish (which is good) but she should of already made it prior in my opinion.

If they’ve been invited, and it’s a buffet why grouch at her for eating? Even if they were your supposed leftovers…did she know that

Sounds like a silly gripe at the poor woman

@UndertheCedartree

The OP's mum 'mentioned it' but he was non-committal and OP's post at 12:16 said they were not expected.
I don't count that as an invite - does everyone else here, after being so rude as to not respond, decide to thrust themselves in at the last minute.
Even if you were originally told , being not expected due to no response = not invited!

Lilithlogic · 17/12/2023 12:49

TurnthePotatoes · 17/12/2023 12:45

OP you're a victim of the usual AIBU contrariness which seems to have been getting worse lately especially as people don't RTFT.
YANBU at all!
If they were that bothered about coming they could've confirmed in advance. Instead of turning up raw food, complaining about a lack of ingredients and then proceeding to eat most of the main course.

People are picking on individual bits (oh prawns are expensive) etc to make you seem like a crank but the entire picture is of someone with no social graces.

Or someone wearing a fur coat with no knickers.

bellac11 · 17/12/2023 12:50

Bobsyouraunty · 17/12/2023 12:44

I’m unsure about this.

Sounds like she was bringing a side dish (which is good) but she should of already made it prior in my opinion.

If they’ve been invited, and it’s a buffet why grouch at her for eating? Even if they were your supposed leftovers…did she know that

Sounds like a silly gripe at the poor woman

You dont pre cook prawns like that, you need them fresh out the pan

And no one has 'supposed leftovers', you dont lay claim to things that dont even exist yet.

fitforflight · 17/12/2023 12:50

prawngate · 17/12/2023 12:43

There was still some left. I'm about to have some.

Show quote history

So what's the problem?

ViaRia01 · 17/12/2023 12:50

Not that strange to bring prawns and offer to cook them but only if arriving in good time to prepare everything in time for the meal.

it’s not too strange to use the garlic and lemon either - no point bringing more if they already have it there. BUT it is rude to complain about not being enough etc.

YABU unreasonable about the beef. One of the guests ate it so there was not much leftover…. You can’t have food served and immediately earmark your personal leftovers to bring home with you.

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 12:50

Lilithlogic · 17/12/2023 12:44

I don't mind if my family or friends rings in the middle of the gathering, I'd me still be elated to see them. To not be like this is totally alien alien to me. And they are welcome to bring extra food, even welcome to use the kitchen. The more the merrier.

Edited
Show quote history

I'd also be happy to see someone. But not happy that I'd potentially not made enough food as catered to those who said they were coming and also not happy that they wouldn't commit but decided to turn up as nothing better had come along. It's not a nice way to treat family or friends.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/12/2023 12:51

It’s weird to turn up last minute as the only vegetarian and you and your partner bring something non vegetarian as well