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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it was weird to show up with prawns?

352 replies

prawngate · 17/12/2023 12:04

Last night had a gathering at DM’s - DB and I plus spouses and our children.

Anyway while we were cooking DM’s phone kept ringing- her DB is calling. After a while I said we need to answer because I was worried something was wrong. In any case he then started ringing me I picked up and he checks we’re at DMs and announces he and new GF are joining us.
He goes on to say they’re bringing prawns and wants to know if we have garlic and lemon.

DM says she did mention we were getting together to him a couple of months ago but he was non committal and didn’t bring it up again.

They show up a few hours later and the new GF has a massive bag of raw prawns - with heads and eyes. She starts skinning them and stuff pulling bits out and giving my mum - who has already cooked a huge buffet for us complete with beef rib and gammon - instructions on what she needs and complaining there isn’t enough lemon.

Apparently the prawns were quite nice (I didn’t want to try them with the heads) but she sat and started cutting huge chunks of prime beef rib off and ate a TON which annoyed DB and I because we were each taking some leftovers home 🤣

Anyway AIBU to say it’s weird to show up to someone else’s Xmas do with a bag of raw prawns and then expect them to supply you with the things to cook it? (And to sit and eat other people’s leftovers)

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 17/12/2023 18:07

While even I wouldn't eat prawns WITH dessert, I'd much rather have some lovely griddled prawns with garlic and lemon instead of a dessert! That leaves more desserts for everyone else, and prawns for me. Win win.

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 18:08

YeahIsaidit · 17/12/2023 14:03

OP can I ask what you brought for everyone to share?

She's already answers that. She bought a side-dish to go with the meat her mother cooked.

nottaotter · 17/12/2023 18:08

Yes odd, unless the DB asked her to bring them?? I would have thought a box of chops or a ready made dessert? or even a gifty plant thing?

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 18:12

PrawnLiberationFront · 17/12/2023 14:18

No, this isn't weird. Bringing a contribution to a family gathering, especially a buffet type party, is completely normal and polite and thoughtful. I like prawns so I would have been pleased. And of course it was appropriate for her to be in the kitchen preparing them herself while your DM was sorting the rest of the food - would you prefer she just handed the raw packet to your mother and expected her to do everything? Did you bring any contribution or help in the kitchen at all?

As for the rest - being pissed off she ate from the buffet because you wanted to freeload some leftovers is obviously unreasonable.

It's also nasty and unkind of you to say she "didn't belong". She's your uncle's partner. How would you feel if you were told your DH "didn't belong"?

You also keep repeating she wasn't invited but you said in an earlier comment your DM had invited them, they just hadn't confirmed. Which ok it's a bit rude not to confirm until the last second but they are family, they brought extra food to make up for it, and you weren't the host so it wasn't your problem anyway.

Honestly the only part of this I think is slightly weird is they didn't bring their own garlic and lemon in case there was none on hand, but there may have been a perfectly good reason for it.

The problem here seems to be you don't like prawns and you don't like her but those are both you problems. I hope you didn't show it and make the poor woman feel unwelcome and uncomfortable - that would make you the poorly behaved guest here.

You would have been pleased the prawns turning up as you were eating dessert?

OP has already told us she did contribute and in the OP she says she was cooking.

PrawnLiberationFront · 17/12/2023 18:18

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 18:12

You would have been pleased the prawns turning up as you were eating dessert?

OP has already told us she did contribute and in the OP she says she was cooking.

Show quote history

Yes, because there's always room for yummy prawns and I'm not ridiculously uptight and formal and needing everything to be proper, especially not with my own brother and his partner.

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 18:20

Lilithlogic · 17/12/2023 15:58

They always invite me and try to get me to go out the house, but I'm unable mentally too. I wfh thankfully. Only places I do go is the Dr's, hospital and dentist any they are in a taxi there and back. I even have to time appointments for as early as possible because if they are to late it stops me from leaving the house as my head goes into overdrive

Show quote history

I'm sorry to hear that it sounds tough. I have a serious mental illness myself and know it's not easy.

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 18:22

Lilithlogic · 17/12/2023 16:41

Autistic too, hence sometimes I need things pointing things out to me. I tend to get caught up in a subject more than what I actually think when I really think about it.

Show quote history

I do too!

LIZS · 17/12/2023 18:22

Your dm invited your uncle, why should he not come and bring his oh? She could have declined. Sounds like you felt they intruded into a select gathering, but it was not yours!

ActDottie · 17/12/2023 18:44

A bit odd but given its family I think it’s less odd. If it was a gathering of friends I’d think more weird.

Heronwatcher · 17/12/2023 19:24

The prawns a bit odd, but the rest of it sounds weird and, frankly, really grabby. Your mum invited them. They were entitled to be there and eat as much as they wanted within reason. I have literally never heard of pre-planned leftovers, especially since in this case it seems as though your poor mum is been made to cook more expensive food than is necessary just so you can take it home and/ or spend the entire evening giving the side eye to anyone who eats more than their share.

I think you all should have just politely said that you were a bit full for the prawns even though they looked great and put them in the fridge, and then got on with the evening.

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 19:27

PrawnLiberationFront · 17/12/2023 18:18

Yes, because there's always room for yummy prawns and I'm not ridiculously uptight and formal and needing everything to be proper, especially not with my own brother and his partner.

Show quote history

Well, I suppose seeing your Username I shouldn't expect anything less! But I do find it odd eating a big meal, dessert and then...prawns! 😂 I'm not sure it's ridiculously formal not to want prawns after a main meal and dessert, tbh! I don't think it has anything to do with being formal!

PrawnLiberationFront · 17/12/2023 19:34

I mean, I assume eating the prawns wasn't compulsory for people who were full/didn't fancy them. OP did say others said they were nice, she just didn't like them herself.

(I'd find it more annoying/inconvenient that the vegetarian uncle hadn't given notice he would need some veggie food making or brought any for himself)

TurnthePotatoes · 17/12/2023 19:41

PrawnLiberationFront · 17/12/2023 19:34

I mean, I assume eating the prawns wasn't compulsory for people who were full/didn't fancy them. OP did say others said they were nice, she just didn't like them herself.

(I'd find it more annoying/inconvenient that the vegetarian uncle hadn't given notice he would need some veggie food making or brought any for himself)

Yes, now I'm wondering what HE ate?
Also love the username

startquitting · 17/12/2023 19:44

Now I really really feel like a decent Swedish prawn sandwich.

fishfingersandtoes · 17/12/2023 19:47

Ginmonkeyagain · 17/12/2023 12:12

Ha! My dad is the kind of guest that would turn up to a party with two unplucked pheasants or a whole box of apples so .... 🤷‍♀️

Edited

I love this. He can come round mine any day

IjustbelieveinMe · 17/12/2023 20:09

In Australia this would be perfectly normal.

startquitting · 17/12/2023 20:16

IjustbelieveinMe · 17/12/2023 20:09

In Australia this would be perfectly normal.

I spent Christmas one year in Australia, and the queue to buying prawns was huge. Definitely a thing.

HoppingPavlova · 17/12/2023 23:28

In Australia this would be perfectly normal

Yes, but that’s because it’s a different set-up.

It’s completely normal to front up with a bag of COOKED prawns which will be dumped in a big bowl on the table and people peel and eat.

Also normal to front up with raw prawns to toss on the barbie to feed people, but that’s okay as here you can 100% guarantee the barbie will be in use. That doesn’t seem to be likely in the situation at OP’s gathering which means inside cooker which is a bit odd.

TheKeatingFive · 18/12/2023 07:56

That doesn’t seem to be likely in the situation at OP’s gathering which means inside cooker which is a bit odd.

Why is using one means of cooking odd but not a different one?

HoppingPavlova · 18/12/2023 09:01

@TheKeatingFive Because where I am, prawns are more bbq food and it’s super easy just to add them to the barbie plate. No hardship as you sit outside near the barbie to eat. Indoor cooking may mean using kitchen with others separate in a dining room so people being disjointed when they were all sitting together eating. It also means no additional cookware or use of someone’s kitchen, not one scrap of additional washing up etc as barbie plate would be cleaned later irrespective of a late addition of prawns. Also no cooking smell in the house. If people don’t like smell of prawns cooking hard to get away from inside, whereas out in the open it’s fine.

Maddy70 · 18/12/2023 09:08

I would love someone to bring fish prawns to a buffet. They checked if your mum has lemon first. She said yes.

Don't know why you're finding this weird. They brought something to a buffet to share with everyone

Teddleshon · 18/12/2023 09:14

Any food brought as a contribution should be brought ready to eat. Drives me mad when people offer to bring say strawberries and appear with them still in the supermarket plastic punnet.

CasperGutman · 18/12/2023 09:17

Nobody but your mum knows whether her DB was unreasonable to come round. We don't know their relationship or what was said between them on the subject.

It's perfectly normal for prawns to have heads on. They're often served that way. It's also normal to bring a contribution of food to an informal family gathering/buffet. Apparently you did the same. What isn't normal is feeling resentful towards others for eating the food that's been put out to share. That's just tight. If there are leftovers then I would say by default they would belong to the person hosting, but perhaps they might offer them to you to take home.

The only slight unreasonableness on the part of DB's GF was to show up with food that needed fiddly preparation. They should really have brought something they'd already prepared. Or something that came ready to just unwrap and enjoy.

TheKeatingFive · 18/12/2023 10:12

Because where I am, prawns are more bbq food and it’s super easy just to add them to the barbie plate. No hardship as you sit outside near the barbie to eat.

Equally no hardship to fry them up in a pan. Prawns cook in a few minutes. I honestly can't fathom your position on this.

TheKeatingFive · 18/12/2023 10:16

Drives me mad when people offer to bring say strawberries and appear with them still in the supermarket plastic punnet.

Well I wouldn't prep strawberries too far in advance because they lose their freshness round the edges very quickly.

Equally, prawns are much better when freshly cooked. I agree that it's best to warn the host in advance, but if you want good food presented at its best then it's the sensible thing to do.