Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

[plimm]

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

I think this whole episode highlights how less than ideal the status quo is in relation to how the professionals handle DA situations that involve children. I completely understand the need to safeguard children and that that’s the priority. But it can pile pressure on the abused person to take action before they are ready. I experienced domestic abuse and have children and naively confided in my GP not knowing they had safeguarding responsibilities. They straight away escalated it, wanted to involve social services, do a Marec (?) referral. It was terrifying at a time when I was already under immense pressure at home. It was made clear to me that I either took action eg left /got a court order, or I would be seen as part of the problem. I did take action, six years on we are all in a better place but the handling by the professionals made life very difficult. Women’s Aid and Rights of Women were amazing.

Then I really hope OP’s report leads to him leaving their house. But I don’t think it will. I think he will become pissed off about it and she will now become a closed book and tell OP things are better, he’s changed since the police came etc…

What situation someone standing in a doorway.
This is a complete minimization of the situation, the police do not get involved solely on the basis of standing in doorway.
An hour of emotional abuse is definitely damaging for children.

The way safeguarding works is that a referral is made and then social services make an assessment to see if thresholds are met.

in this case the actions taken by the OP may increase the risk to the victim, for the reasons already outlined by other posters.

Exactly my point.

The police likely aren’t going to help the situation in the short-term.

Everyone is being incredibly naive to think this woman was just screwing up her courage to leave. Odds are she was going to stay in that house letting her kids continue to be abused. And yes, the kids are being abused. If nothing else, witnessing abuse is a form of abuse, but these men rarely spare their children from their ire. They need help. Help that isn’t going to come from a single welfare check. Help that can sadly only come of their mother, who is also a victim, decides to do the right thing.

I'm not minimising it I'm saying what the police have been told is second hand information that may or may not been exaggerated along the way. I'm not excusing his behaviour but people also have a tendancy to exaggerate stories when talking to friends not expecting it to be passed on and a police statement be made on the basis of what she is saying

No, she shouldn’t have left it and done nothing about it. And no, physical abuse is not the only type that matters. And indeed, yes, the children’s safety is paramount. But as previous posters have said, there are many, many ways to go about reporting and supporting that don’t involve instant calls to the police which will trigger an equally instant response and do involve thinking first about maximising the woman and children’s safety and control over her life.

While it would be fantastic if the police were all perfectly trained in responding to DA and if SW didn’t put all the pressure on the woman rather than dealing with the man, and there were actually enough resources to support women, handling of DA is system-led, on the timescales of different agencies and at the mercy of the skills of the person whose desk it lands on because social, support and police services are over stretched, underfunded, and poorly resourced and this does massively affect people’s experiences.

I think it's very difficult to know what to do in situations like this. OP clearly wants to help her friend, and did what seemed to her like the minimal best thing in the circumstances.

It will perhaps be a wake up call to her friend that outsiders consider her situation to be criminally abusive. It is also no bad thing that the local authorities are aware of the vulnerable situation of her children.

OP, the best you can do in this situation is to explain your actions to your friend, apologise for overstepping her boundaries (assuming she had told you not to do such a thing) and ask her what you can now do to support her and avoid any further backlash on her and the kids.

Cos the only abuse that's bad and matters is physical abuse ...

You would probably not be surprised how many people asked "has he hit you?" in a way that implies that's the worse thing.
There were times I wish he had (and I was fully aware how fucked up my thinking was).
Much easier to go to the police with a black eye than explain coercive control and emotional or financial abuse.

When you've been gaslit for years, and your self esteem and self worth is in a ditch and you know the battle will be long, painful and expensive, it's not just a matter of deciding to leave.

I had a solicitor suggest I lock myself in a room to protect myself. And many people telling me they wouldn't put up with it. For them telling their partner is wrong or whatever doesn't result in silent treatment for days, telling the kids "mum is in one of her moods", subtle but real emotional abuse (removing toothbrush, sneering, "here we go again").

I have put up with domestic abuse for years, brushed it under the carpet, even deliberately forgotten what he’s done to me.
I was very confused, gaslighted by him, but I knew I had to leave sometime.

Then the police took it out of my hands. His abuse came to light because of another investigation. He’s been banned from contacting me.

I was terrified at first. I didn’t know how I’d cope without him.
With him safely out of the way, I’m beginning to realise what he was really like and remember all the countless abuses he committed and I know they did the right thing. They’ve been incredibly supportive. They won’t force me to press charges. They are helping me and my children to stay safe.

Don’t blame yourself. By myself, I could never have found the strength to do what I should have done years ago.

I think you need to tell her. And soon. If they have children there is potential for social services to get involved. If you tell her, she can contact the police herself and at least try to sort it out. If her husband finds out, potentially life could get even worse for her. And she clearly wasn’t ready to leave - she probably confided in you as an outlet and a sounding board, and you panicked and reported it without thinking. You’ve done it with the best of intentions and you need to tell her that. But first you have to tell her.

To be honest, if a friend told me something like that intending for it to stay secret, I would still have to report it. Especially if kids were in the house.

I would warn the friend that I'm obligated to share the information and ask her what outcome she is hoping for, but I would still report.

Have you told her yet ?!

It's been 3 hours since you submitted this post.

Yes I have read the excuses : She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning / she is already so tired and upset today / she's driving a long distance today with kids in the car, and already so stressed and tired.

BUT

the timeframe is ticking by

there are at least 2 posters on this that have said - the police will have tried phoning her within a couple of hours, one said then they will text,

Your friend won't be answering the phone whilst driving, but think of her reaction when she does next answer her phone / read her text messages.

You already know they were going to contact here today ' Hopefully she can reassure them during the risk assessment and continue on her journey. '

The very least you can do is let her know what you have done, either on the phone or a text if she does not answer

SHe NEEDS to know NOW

She NEEDS to prepare / she NEEDS to think / she NEEDS to be ready / she NEEDS to be warned

NOW

It's been 2 hours since you last posted on this, please tell us that you have already phoned / texted your friend...

I know. At least give her a heads up. Don’t have her finding out when she’s off guard/when he’s there when she picks up the phone when the police ring.

Once the police have decided to follow-up, there is nothing you can do. They can quite legally prosecute even if you withdraw the complaint.
It is hard as you want to protect your friend, but your actions confirm the addage of support not interfere

I think this friendship will not be salvageable.

The op hasn't returned because her friend probably laid into her for telling the police. She would have received a call asking her questions today while the op was on Mumsnet debating her conscience and when to tell her.

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat Unfortunately you get used to loosing friends along the way don’t you as you are so isolated by your abuser…
And from OP’s point of view, i’d rather jeopardise a friendship knowing that I could have helped, rather than just ignoring it.

Yep. While I may not have made the same decision as OP, I think laying into her on here as if she's some kind of monster is OTT.

Actually supporting and enabling the abuse of your friend and her children is not really the powerful moral stand that many pp seem to think it is. The idea that your only possible role as friend is to allow her and the children to be terrorised while you stand by smugly, refusing to get involved, is pretty reprehensible imo.

Maybe calling the police was not practically the best move. But morally it was not a bad one. And hopefully, the outcome will be positive for the children.

Sorry to ask but, it seems the overall viewpoint is that if a woman is experiencing DV we shouldn't contact the police even if there's children in the household?

On the one hand it allows the woman to safety try and escape and gives her control. But on the other children are seeing/hearing and maybe even a victim of physical violence themselves (and seeing what has being happening is also a form of abuse). It's so complicated...as the woman could be seen as unable or unwilling to safeguard and keep the children safe by not leaving the hole/abuse/violence

Does the law say it is complusary to report DV if children are a part of the household?

It's also why I don't tell anyone anything.

That's so weird. I phoned up to ask if there would be a female officer on duty as my friend had been raped. They asked for details but I declined saying it wasn't my desision to make. They did link the calls up but I was very clear it wasn't my place to call the shots and they respected that. However they was monumentally shit handling it

This

I'm shocked at this thread and the treatment of OP

if anyone tries to tell me anything, I'm going to have to say "stop telling me" because - according to some posters - it is an intricate web that you have to understand and you mustn't tell the police.

In what capacity would you consider yourself ‘obligated’: do you have any actual standing or are you just an officious, overbearing, interfering stickybeak, like the OP.? Preserve me from ‘friends’ like this.