Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

[plimm]

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

I have a lot of sympathy for this view.
I understand that the woman may not feel able to leave her partner but her dc will be suffering as as a result.
It is very unfair that the person who is being abused has to protect the children rather than the abuser stopping. But the children need the adults to keep them safe.

Where were the kids while she was trapped for an hour being verbally abused?

Although there are strong arguments for and against both decisions (ring police v not ring police), and they have been forcefully put forward on this thread, in my view the presence of the children in the equation means that ringing police was the right decision.

Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just confused how this happened when I rang for advice trying to help her.

@Plimm, What's done is done, but I would say a lesson to learn from this, is not to pass on other people's details without their permission, unless they are in imminent danger.

You could have told the police that you needed to check with your friend and would get back to them if she wanted you to.

You rang the police for advice so didn't have to tell them anything.

Of course you were right op. Social services should be involved. These comments are insane and show how dv works tbh. Problem with giving her a heads up is she'll likely cover for him.

Yabvu firstly you have one side of a story. Secondly social services are now going to be involved and thirdly she's now in a situation where she's had no time to plan and get things in place so potentially her and her children could be homeless for Christmas. If you was my friend I would never forgive you, you've somehow made it about you. Do you like the drama?

I don't think anyone was telling op to do nothing.

There are so many things she could have done before centering her own feelings and giving all this woman's details to the police (so she will know it's not just a random passer by anyway).

She could have helped her contact women's aid, helped empower her to leave, maybe start keeping bits and pieces at her house so she has all the important paperwork etc she will need if she leaves, there are a million ways to help a victim leave an abusive situation.

Deciding that you feel bad and forcing a situation that this woman clearly isn't ready for and endangering her further wasn't the way to help at all.

The liklihood is that he won't get arrested for this anyways and now he will know op plans to leave and is telling people about this so she will be completely isolated now, and still in a shit situation feeling hopeless with even less avenues to leave.

What a mess.

Wow so many posters here are being unnecessarily harsh.

@plimm You had good intentions and we all make mistakes. There is nothing to be gained by beating yourself up about this.

It may not be as bad as the worst case scenarios people are leaping to on here.

Ring the police back and give them a time and date next week when you know she will not be with her husband. Then give her a call and explain what happened. She may well be upset, but it may not be the end of your friendship forever. Beat case scenario is that she talks to the police without her husband knowing, that they help her to realise that she needs to get away from him for the sake of the children, and help her to put plans in place to do this, all without husband knowing.

It could be that by next Christmas your friend and children will be living safely away from their abuser, thanks in part to your intervention.

She may come to forgive you for interfering once she is safer and happier.

You sound like a bit of a shit stirrer tbh. You knew exactly what you were doing. Husband sounds like a wanker but she will probably deal with in her own time and just wanted to confide in a friend and have a rant. What did you think was going to happen when you called the police?

Social services should be involved though. Children shouldn't be living in this situation.

Yes, why is "social services being involved" a negative thing? That is what they are there for.

Who the fuck calls the police for advice?

So as an ex-police officer you would have advised against calling the police and reporting this with children living within the home and the length of the relationship being factors? Not being goady, I’m genuinely interested.

@ClementineIvy I am shocked at your post. What about the children exposed to this shitshow?

@Housenoob people who think they may be a witness to a crime perhaps?

She might become a lot less likely to open up to people now. Not for his sake, but her own. She confided in you to offload and gradually gain her own confidence to do something about her own suffering. She didn’t want you to take it upon yourself to do something about it.

A few months before I chucked my ex out, my best friend told me while he’s at work she will come and change the locks on my front door while my ex was at work. I said to her no because it will cause a load of shit eg he was lead tenant on the council property and not to mention the abuse I would have got from him and his family. It would have been horrendous. She also wanted to confront him herself. These extreme actions from friends can sometimes be so counterproductive. 3 months later he was out and he’s never been back since. He signed the property over to me and I wanted to keep him sweet until he had done this. In my trauma I was in full on survival mode and being nice until he had gone was my way of surviving. I didn’t want friends coming changing locks and chucking his stuff in the garden.

You meant well. My friend meant well. But it’s not you or her who has to deal with the shit that happens next.

Further, you are not alone in not realising that the police service cannot just take a report of a crime to “keep it on file”. Very many people are under the same impression in my experience

This is exactly why I despair when I see 'log it with 101' as the answer so often on here.

What situation someone standing in a doorway. (One side of a story). If she wants to leave him, great but that takes planning

@funinthesun19 There are children involved in this scenario, and their mother seems unable to remove them.

Hundreds of people every single day. For a range of things. Don't know why you think it's strange

Yes, I think people sometimes get confused about the terminology of criminal charges being "left to lie on file". That is not a police thing, it is something a judge can do in the Crown Court.

I would never advocate for turning a blind eye to abuse and would never counsel a 'do nothing' approach.

I am glad that OP cared enough to involve herself and take action. But the way she has done so is problematic, as she herself very much acknowledges.

This problem happened when OP gave her friend's specific, correct personal details to the police during their phone conversation. OP says she rang them just to get general advice and found herself giving details she hadn't intended to. She probably knew even as the words were coming out of her mouth that she wasn't sure she wanted to be saying them.

Which suggests that perhaps she felt extremely uncomfortable about not immediately granting the police request. She complied with the wishes of another party whilst ignoring her own reasonable qualms.

I once accepted a job that was surprisingly offered to me on the spot at interview, despite my instincts screaming, "No! Wait!" I did it because I knew what the person offering the job wanted to hear and I didn't know how to tell them I may not be able to oblige.

I have definitely reflected and learned from that occasion; understanding my own frailties better helps me navigate more wisely now.

Cos the only abuse that's bad and matters is physical abuse ...