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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

371 replies

plimm · 16/12/2023 12:02

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

OP posts:
FreshWinterMorning · 16/12/2023 14:16

IVFfirsttimer91 · 16/12/2023 14:04

Your friend was me a few years ago.. I would not consider you a friend any longer after this. You say it isn’t physical abuse at the moment, after this it may well be! I would have had the shit beaten out of me for even THINKING about talking to someone about that sort of stuff. Let alone doing it and a police report being made. You’ve put her in danger and you need to tell her today.

Yep this. I can't believe some people on here are saying the OP has done the right thing by telling the police. I would be fucking livid if I was the friend, and would never speak to the OP again. I would also never trust anyone again with ANYTHING....

I now fear for the OP's friend, because if the police DO investigate and DO visit, and the DP convinces this woman to deny it/cover it up (as many people do - and I have seen it happen,) the woman's life will be hell. Much worse than if it was just left for her to deal with in her own time, and when she was ready...

You are wrong on sooooo many levels @plimm and I am praying for this woman. I am also shocked and disgusted in equal measures that some people are supporting the OP. Give your head(s) a wobble!

FreshWinterMorning · 16/12/2023 14:18

Ladyj84 · 16/12/2023 14:10

Lol at all the comments it was good to call police...woah you only heard the wife's side so hmmmm and barely actually know the family for long and clearly they've been married a long time so she knows what's what and is doing something about it. Also you have now got the ss involved automatically because there are children to now be assessed. Oh and btw they will call fairly quickly at her address till they get her in so I wouldn't be saying nothing to her you need to tell her immediately so she doesn't get a shock when they turn up. You would be ditched as a friend your no friend your meddling in things and started a ball rolling that this lady does not need!! Oh and btw I've been on the end of this so know exactly how it works except it was a person who made false allegations but still police and ss had to do checks for weeks it was horrendous.

This. ^ Sorry for what happened to you @Ladyj84 Flowers

lemmein · 16/12/2023 14:21

Much worse than if it was just left for her to deal with in her own time, and when she was read

She's been in this relationship for 20+ years - how long do you think acceptable for children to stay in an abusive environment?

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/12/2023 14:21

Alicesmagicmushroom · 16/12/2023 14:14

These posts are vile, and blaming the OP for someone else’s abuse is as vile.

This man is the issue. He’s the abuser and OP appears to be trying to help out of concern because there are children involved.

If the wife wants to keep exposing her kids to an abuser then she needs a visit from the police.

You say that but it could have the opposite affect. If the police believe that there is a concern then they will pass it to social services but if they don't and they say they had an argument about x,y and z and call the friend malicious. Social services are the same they will not do anything if they call it a silly argument because they have them to. She could say she I was venting to my friend about my frustrations but she don't mean it because we are human and say things and do things we don't mean. This is about outcomes the op will not see any outcomes she should have worked with her friend not go behind her back.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 16/12/2023 14:21

FreshWinterMorning · 16/12/2023 14:16

Yep this. I can't believe some people on here are saying the OP has done the right thing by telling the police. I would be fucking livid if I was the friend, and would never speak to the OP again. I would also never trust anyone again with ANYTHING....

I now fear for the OP's friend, because if the police DO investigate and DO visit, and the DP convinces this woman to deny it/cover it up (as many people do - and I have seen it happen,) the woman's life will be hell. Much worse than if it was just left for her to deal with in her own time, and when she was ready...

You are wrong on sooooo many levels @plimm and I am praying for this woman. I am also shocked and disgusted in equal measures that some people are supporting the OP. Give your head(s) a wobble!

Show quote history

Genuine question, if I were to overhear what sounds like domestic abuse in my neighbour's house, what should I do? Should I do nothing? Because the police investigating will result in the woman's life being hell? Until this thread I would have assumed reporting to the police or SS would be the right thing to do, but now I am very much doubting that.

TwilightSkies · 16/12/2023 14:22

I think you’ve done the right thing OP. I’m sure her kids have been exposed to him abusing her, the situation could have gone on for years and had a seriously detrimental effect on the kids.
HOPEFULLY this will be the push she needs.
Try not to beat yourself up.

Flowerpower2022 · 16/12/2023 14:22

posted In wrong place

Alicesmagicmushroom · 16/12/2023 14:23

@Carpediemmakeitcount If social services do their job properly then it won’t be an issue.

Flowerpower2022 · 16/12/2023 14:24

Elfidela1980 · 16/12/2023 13:59

@plimm

try to keep calm and don’t get too upset yourself.

What happened on the phone -

Our DV reporting system is imperfect. As you’ve discovered, if you answer yes to certain questions, a report gets passed along. This means that it’s difficult as hell for concerned third parties (or even abused spouses themselves) to have abusive behaviour logged without it escalating into a visit to take statements, which can sometimes create difficulties for someone in a precarious position.

Remember (for your own sake going forward) that you acted to protect her. Self-chastising is natural but isn’t going to help your friend.

His abuse may yet escalate, and regardless of her initial reaction, before this is all over she may have reason to be glad someone else stepped in. That’s why the police can’t and won’t keep a watching brief. It’s too big a risk for them to have a situation where they knew something but did nothing - and that’s a lot of responsibility for any one person to take on-board too. I have seen this situation a lot. People in DV situations are torn in all directions. So don’t be too hard on yourself.

Abused people are usually reluctant to speak up to anyone and for a lot of them, going to the police is unthinkable for numerous
reasons (I speak from both personal and professional experience). If either of you had spoken to a DA helpline they would have suggested she report. I would have suggested she report. If no-one knows, nothing happened.

What to do -

You do need to tell her as soon as she’s not in his company and can have time to think calmly. Try not to make it a conversation about your feelings of remorse. My advice is she should speak to the police about her reasons for not reporting. There should be police officers trained in dealing with DV to speak to her and they will understand the risks and help her with further support services.

Yes, if they proceed, SS may become involved in some capacity as there are children but again, don’t panic that someone will come swooping in and take them away. The very most that will happen is that their dad will be bailed to another address while they’re spoken to (depending on whether they’re old enough). It’s not nice to be asked these questions, but neither is it nice to be a child in a house where your mum is living in fear of your dad.

Sometimes being spoken to by the police may
be enough to make an abuser retreat. From what you’ve said, that may not happen. Perhaps he’ll use it as a further stick to beat her with, or say the allegations are false, or counter-allege but remember, the police see this scenario all the time. Rare is the abuser who throws up their hands and says you’ve got me, it’s all true.

And the fact he’s a lawyer? We don’t have super-powers and the police and SS won’t be worried about that. Additionally his career actually means he’s on thinner than usual ice regarding his conduct. A criminal conviction would be seriously damaging, and he’ll know that.

Her situation is difficult but your friend isn’t as powerless as she may feel and I hope that she will take this chance to find professional support.

This is such good advice👆🏻

Peablockfeathers · 16/12/2023 14:24

I suspect she won't want to know you anymore, but that's her choice and you have to respect that. One of my friends was murdered by her husband and we all knew he was controlling and abusive, until my own dying day I will always regret not seeking help for her; even if it had meant she'd hate me at least she might still be here. I'm quite shocked at the number of people who think doing nothing is the best option, most won't be in a position to report their own abuser and with children to consider also someone needs to advocate for them. Not saying he's going to esculate to that but if you tell someone you're being abused they have to live with that too.

theDudesmummy · 16/12/2023 14:24

@RichardMarxisinnocent that's a very very different situation though, isn't it? If police arrive because a neighbour has overheard something and reported it then the abuser will be angry, sure, but with the neighbour and the police. If the police arrive because of the abused woman having told her friend about the abuse, guess who he will be angry with?

Zoreos · 16/12/2023 14:26

IVFfirsttimer91 · 16/12/2023 14:04

Your friend was me a few years ago.. I would not consider you a friend any longer after this. You say it isn’t physical abuse at the moment, after this it may well be! I would have had the shit beaten out of me for even THINKING about talking to someone about that sort of stuff. Let alone doing it and a police report being made. You’ve put her in danger and you need to tell her today.

If the OPs friend uses this opportunity to her full advantage and gets away from him then she won’t be in danger anymore. Hundreds of people or more successfully leave their abusers this way each year. She’s been in danger for years and will be actively putting herself and children in more danger if she fails to act on the help and support that will be offered. That is how SS will also view it if anything were to happen down the line if she fails to act now. As you rightly put it if she stays, he could escalate as a direct reaction from it but there’s no guarantee he wouldn’t escalate before the friend leaves anyway. However, that’s HIS fault for being an abuser not the OPs for trying to help her. She cannot be held accountable for the action of someone else. To say OP has put her in danger is nonsense, she has done no such thing. That is extremely unfair. You’re allowing your emotions from the trauma of your own experience to cloud logic. You can’t give an objective opinion so as a PP has said, some previous DV victims are not best placed to give advice on situations like this for this exact reason. Your lack of objectivity is not an excuse to make the OP feel worse than she already does. To say she wouldn’t be a friend of yours any longer for potentially trying to save your life speaks more about you than it would for the OP im sorry to say.

BeardyButton · 16/12/2023 14:26

This is awful. No fixing it. You made this all about you, gloried in the drama of it, and only realised after that you f Ed up. This is her life! Not a soap opera you were a part of.

Startingagainandagain · 16/12/2023 14:26

OP you did the right thing because children are involved.

If their mother won't do anything to stop them having to leave in a toxic environment with an abusive man then someone had to intervene.

I say that as someone who as a child had to live in a toxic environment. No one lifted a finger to help me, not the schools, not family members.

The welfare of children always has to come first.

I am staggered by how so many people can't grasp this and are trying to blame the OP.

That woman has stayed 20 years with an abusive man. Time for her to put her kids first. Even if they are not the direct victims of their father's behaviour it is not an environment kids should grow up in.

Kinneddar · 16/12/2023 14:26

RichardMarxisinnocent · 16/12/2023 14:21

Genuine question, if I were to overhear what sounds like domestic abuse in my neighbour's house, what should I do? Should I do nothing? Because the police investigating will result in the woman's life being hell? Until this thread I would have assumed reporting to the police or SS would be the right thing to do, but now I am very much doubting that.

Show quote history

Reporting something thats ongoing is different. If the police come out to an ongoing domestic there'll be signs that somethings happened. Hopefully enough for the perpetrator to be arrested.

Always phone if you hear something.

Don't assume someone's life will be made hell. The police being involved is often the best thing to happen.

CharlotteBog · 16/12/2023 14:27

"Log with the police" is so often trotted out on MN. Clearly by people who have NO idea how the system works.

The police don't sit in the wings waiting, they act.

OP, you need to tell your friend. You are the only one who can tell her to expect a call or visit from the police. Can you offer her and the children refuge?

The call might be from a withheld number. They will call repeatedly if she doesn't answer. If she doesn't, they will do a house call. They may do a house call anyway.

It's bloody terrifying when the police get involved, even if you know it's the right thing. For people who have been living with DV for years and years, walking on eggshells, not ready to leave, to suddenly be thrown into action is massive.

theDudesmummy · 16/12/2023 14:28

@BeardyButton that is really unnecessary. And she was not trying to make it all about her. She was worried about her friend and her friend's children. Any "drama" was that provided by the abuser, not the women involved. And saying "this is her life", does that mean we should never involve ourselves in other people's lives to help them if they are in trouble? That's not a society I want to live in.

lemmein · 16/12/2023 14:30

BeardyButton · 16/12/2023 14:26

This is awful. No fixing it. You made this all about you, gloried in the drama of it, and only realised after that you f Ed up. This is her life! Not a soap opera you were a part of.

...and her children's lives!

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/12/2023 14:31

I hope the op talks to her friend at some point today and tell her what has happened. You did what you thought was right and it's pointless kicking yourself for it. You have to tell her you owe her that as her friend rather than the police or ss telling her.

Wanttobekind · 16/12/2023 14:32

You absolute idiot. Do you realise you have put her at much greater risk of harm than previously by involving the police like this? This is when men escalate. And you’ve done it just to make yourself feel better. Tell her so she can make plans to get herself safe and expect her not to speak to you again, because frankly, you don’t deserve it. Educate yourself in future before waltzing into situations with a saviour complex.
Edited to add: don’t try and excuse it by now claiming that you might have autism.

Axolotlrulestheworld · 16/12/2023 14:32

plimm · 16/12/2023 12:02

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

You did the right thing yes it will be hard on your friend but not as hard as it would be when her 'dh' kills or maims her Flowers

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/12/2023 14:32

You have to be there for her even though she maybe upset with you be there to support her if she needs it.

Alicesmagicmushroom · 16/12/2023 14:34

@Wanttobekind get a grip.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 16/12/2023 14:36

confusedaboutclothes · 16/12/2023 13:33

Hang on…somebody said to OP that their husband was abusing them, she called the police as she was concerned for her welfare and now OP is the bad guy? WTAF?!

You absolutely did the right thing!! Having been a victim of domestic abuse, i kept my mouth shut for years just incase somebody actually did the right thing and called the police.

If she’s got kids then that’s even more reason to call them, i can’t believe people are suggesting she’s a bad friend for doing so honestly.

There’s no right time to leave domestic abuse and sometimes having your hand forced is the best way!

Fellow victim/survivor and I completely agree. Whilst it is different in every situation, the friend may actually (eventually, if not initially) be relieved of OPs actions.

theDudesmummy · 16/12/2023 14:40

@Wanttobekind you might want to change your user name