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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still feel slightly bitter about this? (Inheriting social housing)

305 replies

Buddybud · 15/12/2023 22:34

I grew up in a two bed council house with my mother (single parent) and my sister in what could now be considered a highly gentrified area within walking distance of the city centre. My mother benefited from a life time tenancy. I left at eighteen to go to university, and my mother didn’t keep a place or bed for me. If I went back during the holidays i would have to sleep on the sofa which I found quite annoying especially when so many of my friends at Uni still had rooms in their parent’s houses. Fast forward a couple of years and I graduated, moved away, met my DH and we now have our own home but have been struggling with our mortgage due to cost of living, etc. My mother on the other hand remarried and moved in with her DH whilst putting my sister on the council house tenancy so my sister now has a life time tenancy with subsidised rent in an area I could never afford. Aibu to feel like that’s abit shitty?

OP posts:
Original poster
Buddybud · 16/12/2023 02:57

TeaAndTattoos · 16/12/2023 02:44

I think you’ll find that it’s you who is being wilfully ignorant not @XenoBitch. You might want to go back and read your own post again where I think you will find that you wrote I graduated, moved away and met my dh. Now Incase you don’t feel like going back and rereading what you wrote I have helpfully screenshot the part for you. Learn how to remember what you wrote and stop being rude to people.

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Read my other posts. I went on to elaborate in further detail.

OP posts:
Justfinking · 16/12/2023 02:59

steff13 · 16/12/2023 01:05

In the past month I have had to replace my water heater, my furnace, and my dishwasher. In the next year I'm going to have to replace my roof and my deck. I can think of some pros to renting.

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Yes but you have an asset which consistently increases in value that is yours. If you were renting, your rent would probably be going up to cover those costs and after years you'd be no better off and left with nothing

Zoreos · 16/12/2023 03:03

To a degree I do understand on the face of it your frustrations but I think there’s a few things you need to take into consideration.

You know already that for a property to exchange sole tenants that you would have to have lived in the property for two years.

I think your mum was very reasonable to originally convert her living room into a bedroom for you. Many people not unreasonably wouldn’t or couldn’t do that and you’d have been left as an adult to share your bedroom with your sister anyway. I think it would be usual in that arrangement if a young adult went off to university that they would turn their living room back. I’m going to assume your sister chose not to go to university because this would be a huge drip feed from you if she were allowed to move out then back in again. If THAT was the case I’d say YANBU. But we are to assume she has never moved out so has spent years consecutively living there.

On to my second point and most important. I’m going to assume you’ve lived with your husband for at least a few years considering the fact you have a mortgage and a husband. Can you honestly, hand on heart say that if you hadn’t gone to uni and your mum hadn’t married, that right now your circumstances would be that you and your husband would currently still likely be living in your mums dining room? Is it a stretch to wonder if your mother’s DH also lived at the property for at least a time as well? If yes, did you expect your mum not to move on and meet anyone? I think she’s been very lucky in meeting someone who could supply her with a new housing opportunity. Your mum is now vulnerable because if anything happens to this marriage she would likely be made homeless unless her new DH is minted and their house has enough equity for two houses after a divorce. She won’t be able to obtain a council property again easily if at all ever. It’s worth taking into account that tenancy agreements for council houses always have an occupancy limit written into them as well. (I am aware of the current housing crisis before anyone jumps on me and that many people are in this situation; but the housing association would take this on board before passing it down as a matter of contractual legality). If the answer to this question is Yes you could readily envisage you all living there together under the same room if you’d never moved out then YANBU. If the answer is no and that you’d have probably moved out anyway YABU because councils won’t give the option of a lifetime tenancy to someone who already owns their own home. At the end of the day, comparison is the thief of joy and whilst it’s hard now, you own your house and have little restriction with what you can do with it and when/if you have your own children you can leave your property to them forever so they’ll never face potential homelessness. Your sister may very well do at some stage in her life if she needs to move out.

Gowlett · 16/12/2023 03:03

It’s really a no-brainer to hold onto the place.
Unfair to you, I suppose. But it’s the same with my sister. She’s had Uni, gap year, two house deposits, a car, a wedding & a new extension. I’ve had none of those. I don’t say anything…

NotARealWookiie · 16/12/2023 03:04

I totally understand the feelings of rejection after uni and the inequality now.

Ultimately though, at this point it can’t be made fair. You are older and have your own life. You can’t live in this property with your DH and your sister.

Sorry to hear you are struggling with the mortgage. Life is tough and not always fair.

webbydeb · 16/12/2023 03:07

Sounds like your sis has had an easier ride compared to you but even though this sounds cringy but what doesn't kill you does really make you stronger 🫣 I would prefer to be in your position as a homeowner. You are right to feel this way at least an acknowledgment would help but truth be told, you're in a much better position even if it doesn't feel like it today where you feel the mortgage payments slowly pinching you. It won't always be like this. Focus on the bigger picture and don't let this consume you.

Dery · 16/12/2023 03:08

“I couldn’t imagine giving one of my children a secure life long tenancy, while the other receives nothing from me. In my mind that’s the same one child inheriting my home, and leaving the other child with nothing.

@Buddybud - I’m with you on this. In your shoes, I would also be feeling very hurt. It could be because your mum felt your sister needed that extra support but it’s natural, I think, to feel odd when a parent leaves something to one child and nothing to the other.

steff13 · 16/12/2023 03:33

Justfinking · 16/12/2023 02:59

Yes but you have an asset which consistently increases in value that is yours. If you were renting, your rent would probably be going up to cover those costs and after years you'd be no better off and left with nothing

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I realize that. And it will continue to cost money in maintenance for the rest of my life. But to say that there are no pros to renting is stupid.

Doingmybest12 · 16/12/2023 03:57

If you are struggling at the moment to buy your house I can see why you feel resentful. I'd have been upset to lose my bedroom on going to uni but you couldn't expect your mum not to use the dining room when you were away. But I can see you'd have hoped she could've made it a bit like your space in the holidays. Id of tried to make it feel like yoi still belonged at home. She could apply for Right to Buy. Then I'd be bitter if the home is in a great area. Hope things get easier for you OP .

Honeychickpea · 16/12/2023 03:58

Dery · 16/12/2023 03:08

“I couldn’t imagine giving one of my children a secure life long tenancy, while the other receives nothing from me. In my mind that’s the same one child inheriting my home, and leaving the other child with nothing.

@Buddybud - I’m with you on this. In your shoes, I would also be feeling very hurt. It could be because your mum felt your sister needed that extra support but it’s natural, I think, to feel odd when a parent leaves something to one child and nothing to the other.

Perhaps the mother has nothing left to bequeath than the tenancy? Not everyone is in a position to leave an inheritance to each of their children. Especially a single mother who lived her life in a council house.

FiveShelties · 16/12/2023 04:04

Could the tenancy have been passed to two people or do they have to go to one named person?

VeganNugsNotDrugs · 16/12/2023 04:07

Are you sure your mum isn't just subletting? We were in a similar situation, living with a parent who had a lifetime tenancy. As time went on they were unable to work so we were covering all the rent and other bills for a good 10+ years. They enquired several times about adding/transferring the tenancy to us and were told it wasn't possible unless it was to add a partner - a child couldn't be added precisely to prevent the generational handing down of the secure tenancy.

Winterday1991 · 16/12/2023 04:14

take pleasure in the fact that you own, if an expensive area your sister is unlikely to ever buy, even with the RTB discount.

Gingerkittykat · 16/12/2023 04:18

This sounds like fraud, you can only inherit a SH tenancy if you were living at the house for at least a year before the tenant died.

Was your sister living there long term before your mum moved out?

even if she was it would be unlikely the council would just give her the tenancy, it sounds like something dodgy is going on.

AGoingConcern · 16/12/2023 04:24

FiveShelties · 16/12/2023 04:04

Could the tenancy have been passed to two people or do they have to go to one named person?

No, it couldn't go to two people and OP wasn't eligible because she had moved out years before. The younger sister was still living there with her mother until the mother remarried, so the mother could either transfer the tenancy to the sister or just give it up entirely.

Winterday1991 · 16/12/2023 04:26

'But your mum has not given your sister a secure life long tenancy.. the council has... and under the terms etc this allowed. It is not the same as inheritance at all.
If your sister goes on to marry her boyfriend and have kids, and then leaves or dies, the property wont be allowed to be passed on to any of them. They would be forced to leave.'

In theory, but would a local authority actually do this in reality? Can't see it going down well evicting a recent widow and child, the local authority would be slaughtered in the media.

Honeychickpea · 16/12/2023 04:34

MikeRafone · 15/12/2023 22:37

You moved away, so what use would the tenancy be to you?

The OP probably thinks she could have auctioned off the tenancy or something similar.

MinnieL · 16/12/2023 05:21

Buddybud · 16/12/2023 01:30

In all honesty a-bit of money to make up for it would have been nice, but I would have settled with the acknowledgment that it was abit shitty.

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A bit of money for what exactly??

Look, there were two options here. If your mum wanted to move in with DH then it’d make sense for her to put you on the tenancy or your sister. Or she could give up the council property all together which I guess is 3 options.

If she decided to keep the flat in the family then she had two options. You haven’t said whether your sister was still living there at the time but if she was, then it makes so much more sense to just give it to her. Should your mum have asked her to leave so that she can give it to you? When you’re already off with your husband renting? I think I could understand a bit more if you had both moved out and your mum had chosen your sister. It’s still her decision but that is shitty.

Regardless I don’t see why she should give you money for anything? You didn’t get the flat, you have a mortgage, just try and get on with it

Greenpolkadot · 16/12/2023 05:32

MyrrAgain · 15/12/2023 22:44

Your mum doesn't need it..it should go back. Why does your sister need it? She's her own person and should get assessed in her own right or do like you've done and provide for herself

Agree.
Why does your sister need a house with 2 bedrooms ?
This should go back to the council to house an appropriate sized family
No wonder the the UK has a housing problem

Imagwine · 16/12/2023 06:32

The whole system is unfair and I get you feel like you do. Don’t let it eat you up though. Remember lots of people would give their right arm to own their own home.

Dazedandfrazzled · 16/12/2023 06:46

Buddybud · 15/12/2023 22:52

No. There was a kitchen, dining room and living room downstairs. I shared with my sister when little then they converted the dining room for me. I went to uni so they reclaimed dining room.

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I think this must go deeper. It seems perfectly reasonable to reclaim the dining room if you weren't living there, and I'm also unsure why you think she should give you money when she didn't actually give your sister anything physical that has cost her (different if she had given her an actual house that she owned), and you weren't even living there but your sister was. It sounds like you've obviously done much better for yourself than both of them and will be better off long term so you should really focus on the positive things in your life. This will only get you down (and sorry, but you also seem very unreasonable! You seem very bitter over nothing).

rainpleasestop · 16/12/2023 07:38

I live in HA for over 55s. We can only leave it to each other should one of us die as spouses, children wouldn't and definitely shouldn't inherit it as they may have different circumstances and not need HA/SH. Mind it's a pokey 1 bed bungalow which I am so grateful for but a family def couldn't live here. Anyway, just think you won't have to pay rent after you've paid off your mortgage.

onanotherday · 16/12/2023 07:59

OP, your mum could not pass it to you as you needed to live there. Im sure thst feels unfair, but other options did she have? Having the dining room back and no bedroom must have hurt. I think you need to focus on your feelings around the rejection you feel...maybe some counselling?

boomtickhouse · 16/12/2023 09:15

Robinni · 16/12/2023 00:21

I think you need to recognise that a lot of the resentment and anger you’re holding is from an earlier time point in your life, your Mum is the one you’re angry at but she is not here so it’s deflected towards your sister.

In all honesty I think she did you a favour giving you a push out the door by reclaiming the dining room.

You are educated. You are married. You are a homeowner!! You have a much wider scope for fulfilment and career progression than your sister, thus increased earning capacity. You have financial security for yourself and your husband and you are wealth building for the kids in the long term.

What does your sister have? She’s in social housing. What are her career prospects? Marriage prospects? She might get a discount to buy the house after several years, but will she ever be able to financially do this?

Even if you had of stayed at home, the likelihood is that you would have moved out first eventually, giving exactly the same scenario that is playing out now.

Let your sister take this one, it doesn’t sound like she has the same capacity to earn and perhaps not the same capability either?

This. Your sister is stuck in cycle of poverty. You are breaking free. Be proud of that and embrace the opportunities

boomtickhouse · 16/12/2023 09:19

Buddybud · 16/12/2023 01:28

I don’t speak to either of them anymore. I feel justified in not speaking to my mum as my childhood was horrific, but I sometimes feel guilty about my sister. But if she can’t understand why I’d be upset then it’s not worth trying to have a relationship with her.

There are big issues here. Can you access therapy or support ?