To still feel slightly bitter about this? (Inheriting social housing)

[Buddybud]

I grew up in a two bed council house with my mother (single parent) and my sister in what could now be considered a highly gentrified area within walking distance of the city centre. My mother benefited from a life time tenancy. I left at eighteen to go to university, and my mother didn’t keep a place or bed for me. If I went back during the holidays i would have to sleep on the sofa which I found quite annoying especially when so many of my friends at Uni still had rooms in their parent’s houses. Fast forward a couple of years and I graduated, moved away, met my DH and we now have our own home but have been struggling with our mortgage due to cost of living, etc. My mother on the other hand remarried and moved in with her DH whilst putting my sister on the council house tenancy so my sister now has a life time tenancy with subsidised rent in an area I could never afford. Aibu to feel like that’s abit shitty?

Sorry @Buddybud I had the inherited thing in my head - I know your mum hasn’t passed 🙈 too late at night.

Anyway, perhaps her remarrying and moving on is a sort of bereavement? How are you with her?

I agree with everyone else; it is the relationship with your Mum and sister, not the house. (And probably the CoL stress too)

The OP hasn't said that her mother died! She got married and moved in with her new DH! Leaving the sister in what had been the family home.
So I'm not sure that 'bereavement' counselling is what's needed here.
Maybe some PPs have assumed that the OP's mum had died due to the word "inheriting" in the thread title? The legal term for what's happened is that the sister's succeeded the mum as the tenant, so a "tenancy succession" rather than what most people think of as an "inheritance".

But your mum didn't have the means to give something to both of you by the sounds of it so what was she to do?

I am sorry this happened to you. I agree that there is a history of unfairness here. Your mother seems to have prioritised your sister throughout your lives, which has left you with understandable feelings of hurt towards your family. There is nothing you can do in this situation to rectify the unfairness and I recognise that with the cost of living, seeking private therapy may be beyond you. Is there anything available via your GP?

Other than that, I can only say that despite your less than ideal upbringing, you seem to have forged ahead bravely and really made something of your life. You should be very proud of who you are and what you have achieved despite the challenges you have faced.

Yes, mother moved out. Doesn't it make sense to pass the tenancy on to the one already living there, especially when the other is married and has their own home already?

Succeeding is the term for inheriting a council tenancy when the original tenant dies.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/council_housing_association/can_you_inherit_a_council_tenancy

Assigning a council tenancy is the term for putting the tenancy into someone else's name (which is done by the original tenant while they are alive).

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/council_housing_association/assigning_a_tenancy

OP has used the term inherit to mean "putting the tenancy into her sister's name" but as the mum is still alive it's clear the legal term is assignment not succession.

I don’t speak to either of them anymore. I feel justified in not speaking to my mum as my childhood was horrific, but I sometimes feel guilty about my sister. But if she can’t understand why I’d be upset then it’s not worth trying to have a relationship with her.

Yes I know @Longtimelurkerfinallyposts its late and my brain wasn’t fully engaged. I apologised to OP and corrected immediately - can’t edit as on phone.

I do think she might need counselling though to work through her feelings and move to a healthier position for herself.

All the resentment, it isn’t doing anything but cause harm to herself; the Mum and sister are fine by all accounts.

In all honesty a-bit of money to make up for it would have been nice, but I would have settled with the acknowledgment that it was abit shitty.

We were still renting and paying an exorbitant amount when this happened.

It’s ok. She’s basically dead to me anyway.

Yes, I don't get that at all. Presumably, you shared a bedroom with your sister before uni, why could you not share with her when you came home for the holidays? Most people would do that. Did your mother and sister not like you?

Regarding your sister 'inheriting' the tenancy, I see nothing wrong with that and don't understand why you are jealous. She has to live somewhere and that has always been her home; you have your own house and don't need it. It's likely that sister will eventually go in for her own place and leave her current home (unless she is allowed to buy it at some stage). It doesn't really affect you and I am sure you prefer being a home owner to a tenant.

Jealousy is a pointless, immature emotion that damages you. Move on!

Ballpark? Twenties, thirties, forties, etc?

Does she have money to give to you?

I hear you on wanting acknowledgement and if your mother is resistant to that then you're probably never likely to get it. I'm no contact with my parents now for various reasons but I probably wouldn't have taken that no contact step if they had acknowledged stuff from the past, but that was never going to happen so I did what was right for me!

Ditto.

This is unreasonable. She might not have had it to spare, but even if she did, she didn't owe you anything. Yes, you were paying rent. That's what grown ups do and that's theirs to manage. It's quite possible that your sister has done more caring for your mother (or will) and it's balancing out some other way.

When I was a young newly wed, renting a small apartment, my mother took my sibling on a round the world trip that she paid for. I didn't resent it or expect compensation. I'd started my own adult life, so it was different.

Your last few posts make it sound like this issue is just a tiny slither of what has gone on though. It's almost like this issue is the scapegoat for a bigger picture. Don't mix up genuine gripes with unrealistic or unfair expectations though.

no you’re not being unreasonable at all. I can’t believe the responses fro people on here. 🥲 no wonder you’re bitter. You’re doing the right thing for yiou. It’s ok to be bitter just don’t let it ruin what you have x

Jealousy and bitterness are only hurting you. I understand that you feel let down by your mother, not making space for you in her home in uni holidays and after graduation, but this isn't your sister's fault. Yet you seem to blame her too. Would you and your DH have actually wanted to share a 2 bed property with your mum and sister, sleeping in the dining room? Maybe you would have, to succeed to the tenancy, but possibly your mother moving out didn't look likely when you were renting?

No of course she didn’t want it. But it doesn’t mean she can’t think it’s unfair

i know it’s not her fault but she could at least acknowledge the unfairness of it all. But she doesn’t because she will never understand.

I too would feel very hurt, OP.

But, as they say, it's not what happens to you in life it's how you deal with it.

So live your life well and don't look back. You will ultimately be the winner.

It's not right at all.

Maybe Mum thought you were on your feet and living the life with DH - married with kids and a mortgage blah blah

Life time tenancies don't exist as they used to , so I wouldn't get too wound up thinking this is the situation.

because no one can be. humans are just greedy, grasping b...ds worse since covid and full of judgement and envy

I think you’ll find that it’s you who is being wilfully ignorant not @XenoBitch. You might want to go back and read your own post again where I think you will find that you wrote I graduated, moved away and met my dh. Now Incase you don’t feel like going back and rereading what you wrote I have helpfully screenshot the part for you. Learn how to remember what you wrote and stop being rude to people.

Stop wanting handouts. YABU.