To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

[nhd]

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

Hahahahahah. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wt8Dxpb3b6E

I think your SIL is undermining you and overstepping.

I wouldn't like to be constantly corrected by someone no matter what they were saying.

Maybe your SIL means well. Maybe part of your issue is that it's not on for her to 'correct you', especially in front of your daughter. Would she like it if she had a daughter and you turned the tables?

Point is, you are the parent, not her. And if she has a problem with you using words like 'pretty', then she should perhaps discuss that with you, not give your daughter contradictory instructions, or witter on at a 3 year old about 'not wanting to impress a man' (point 4). Perhaps counter with "And remember, she's 3 and perfectly okay to copy her mum if she wants, and when she's older she can decide for herself whether she wants to wear makeup or not - as I am sure you do. A 3 year old doesn't need that kind of advice, thank you. "

I mean it's all well and good people telling you to relax, but maybe the SIL should. Your daughter is 3! She is bound to copy her mum, so what?

Again, as for appearances, so what? I for one will state that there were many times I was encouraged to be pretty. Being pretty did not, however, discourage me from climbing trees or playing football by the time I was 7 upwards. I also made mud pies, played conkers to win, and was pretty aggressive in sports. Schools these days, can easily provide outlets for your daughter to explore stuff like that in a non-gender-stereotype way. It's only if you were to stop her from trying out football etc, just because of stereotypes about what girls shouldn't do, that it would feel off to me.

There is nothing wrong with a girl being pretty, nothing at all. I also think there is nothing wrong with me looking pretty for myself, and for my DH, because after all, my DH makes an effort for me, and anyway, I like to put on make up etc now and then.

And for all the harping against girls/women 'being pretty', it would be interesting to see how many of those against it REALLY apply it in their own lives. I don't see Boots giving up the cosmetics departments. I don't see major beauty brands closing shop. Stores are still selling pretty dresses and skirts, mostly to women and girls. I don't see 'pretty' going out of fashion. I don't see why you, I or anyone else should conform to gender stereotypes, but I don't see why we should conform to anyone else's ideas of whether or not I should look pretty, either. Does your SIL ever where makeup? Does she dress up or would she go out looking like a slob because appearance doesn't matter? Despite what she says, do her daily habits, clothes etc, match the convictions she spouts at YOUR daughter. How did she attract your brother? If she is, in fact, a hypocrite, I wouldn't hesitate to point this out to her.

In short, whilst it could be argued you could take her with a pinch of salt, I hardly think it's for her to "correct" you in front of your own daughter. If she has her own daughter, she's free to bring them up as she sees fit. Would she like it if you "correct" her?

Let me correct that for you: women were married off to men for thousands of years. These days we have options that need not involve marriage, or even men, at all.

She's 3.

I think your SIL sounds completely over-the-top and perhaps over-invested in sending constant 'PC' statements to a child who's not much more than a toddler.

I would be asking her to tone down the rhetoric.

You will love your daughter no matter who/what she turns out to be/love/do.

She may be going a little full-on for a 3 year old, but honestly, girls can't hear enough of these messages, they hear soo much everywhere as they go through life about appearance, looking pretty etc that there can't be enough people harping on about there being more to life than looks, that whoever they choose to love is ok, that there's no such things as "girl" and "boy" hobbies
.
You will not be only influence as she gets older, so Go SIL for already being a voice that will counter the thousands she will hear later on about girls having to be/behave a certain way!!!!

If every time your SIL hears you exhort your daughter to 'look pretty' she interjects a reminder that a girl's worth is not based on whether she is considered pretty by society, she would get a standing ovation from me.

I wouldn't have her anywhere near my child. Awful things to say to a young child just to fit her horrible agenda.

I think that it’s lovely that your dd has two strong women in her life.

There's also nothing wrong with being called pretty... As long as it's not instead of smart, funny, kind, brave etc. It's OK if anyone likes to feel pretty or stereotypical girly things... Its not some awful thing that anyone should be ashamed of

This will go down like a lead balloon but I can see why your SIL wants to reinforce the feminist message if you don’t work and are consistently reinforcing the need to be pretty. It’s great she has SIL as a strong feminist role model in her life who isn’t afraid to challenge gender norms.

Wait, what?

Your SIL sounds a preachy, insufferable bore.

Theres nothing wrong with being pretty, bright, loves baking, loves cars, putting your best self forward or being a girly girl if that’s what she chooses. As long as she’s not being admonished for playing with other toys, engaging in other activities or it’s insisted she wears make up, she’ll be fine.

Being constantly judged or ‘offered balance’, however, must confuse the poor child. That can also repress her if she just wants to be left alone to be her version of a girl.

Does your SIL take her to football, engage in ‘ungirly’ activities with her? Or does she just sit around waiting to suggest the opposite of what you do?

I agree with her sentiment, but it does sound like she's being a bit overbearing (and unintentionally patronising towards you, as if you need extra input to avoid your daughter turning into a stereotype).

SIL understands the damage feminine socialisation does to girls and is helping your DD, who she loves. I'd be grateful and ask her to come round more

I think she needs to keep her nose out of your parenting tbh and stop using your DD as her trial run for when she has her own. She sounds like she is undermining you.

I think the type of comments your SIL is making are fine and positive, but her timing is unacceptable. It's not for her to jump in and contradict you when you're talking to your daughter, very presumptuous of her.

Given the contexts of your other posts, although I agree with the thrust of what your SIL is getting at, it does sound a bit bee-in-the-bonnet and annoying.

I'd probably quietly roll my eyes occasionally and leave it at that unless she strays into actively trying to persuade your daughter or of her genuine interests because they're 'girly' (in a weirdly reversed kind of sexist shaming!) At that point I think a breezy, "Yes, of course, but there's also nothing at all wrong with enjoying baking just because you're a girl, darling," sound make the point assuming your SIL is not tone deaf.

On balance, though, I think I'd chalk this up to the fact that people close to you are always going to have at least one annoying habit and let it be. Especially as it sounds like it comes from a good place.

I think this has nailed it, actually!

She sounds very irritating. My daughter is very girly, I’m far front it. Yet I would never discourage my daughter from wearing a dress. This idea that being feminine is somehow “wrong” or silly does nothing for equality. Tell her I know you mean well but I would rather you do not talk about gender ideology with my toddler ; I will approach that subject at a more appropriate age. Young children may well just understand it as a criticism of their choices.

My thoughts exactly!

Long game here OP. Wait till SIL has her own children, then a few similar comments from you when you SIL forgets to hammer home the message as she is getting on with basic parenting / over whelmed by parenting etc and you will soon get an apology from her!

I like your SIL too

I think you should nip this interference in the bud, OP, or she'll butt in on everything& anything. Your daughter is your responsibility and it sounds like you're doing a good job in not forcing 'alternatives' on her all the time, particularlyat such a young age. Your sister in law can wait till if/when she has her own kids to push her own ideas.

I certainly don’t think your SIL views are “harmful”. How on Earth can you think it is? A bit over earnest maybe but nothing wrong with letting your child know there’s more to life than being pretty. Or pointing out she may choose to not date boys at all. The latter comment is something my teenage daughter would mention.

Your child’s aunt is basically telling her that she will love her whatever she looks like and whatever her sexual orientation. That’s great. So many people don’t have that in their families.