To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

[nhd]

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

Some people are saying they are traditional and think it sends the wrong message? I think the word traditional is used to mask ignorant. You can’t choose your sexuality so I think it’s fine to say “partner” or girlfriend- I think it’s important to show children society doesn’t care if they are gay. We limit little girls all the time with the language we use and the more people who are aware of that and challenge our socialisation the better in my opinion!

I wouldn't let anyone over rule my parenting. The old feminist bashing of a SAHM setting a bad example to their children is so offensive.

Ear bashing her about men is offensive, her daddy is a man.

SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football)

^^This is why SIL is acting badly. This 3yr old girl goes up to her aunt to proudly show off her baking - and aunt launches into an unnecessary and overstepping comment! How does SIL know if this girl was offered to go to football and refused? Why is she inadvertently underlining stereotypes by mentioning them (girls/baking)? I bet this young child didn’t even think about stereotypes when she chose to bake, she just decided what she wanted to do most. Yet then SIL arrives and launches into an interfering, po-faced comment about stereotypes!

If SIL is unable to stop herself commenting on other people’s children, she should have made a positive comment and not referred to stereotypes. She’s actually putting those ideas into the head of a child who’s probably never noticed them or thought that way. SIL could have said something about the biscuits being lovely and a fun thing to do, and then subtly dropped in a comment about her nephew/friend’s son who also loves making biscuits.

But really, it’s none of her business and she’s pushing in when it’s not necessary and undermining the OP in front of her own child.

Wtf are you on about? Nobody is “bashing” SAHM, just pointing out that being a SAHM is not a bastion of feminism and therefore it’s good to have another feminist influence. Also nobody is ear bashing about men, you’ve literally made that up.

What horrible agenda is that? That her daughter has choice and agency?

Out of curiosity, are you planning to go back to work, OP?

The horrible agenda is always undermining her mum not good for a 3 year old to hear. I’d be letting her know she’s way overstepping her boundaries.

Christ, you just know she'll be raising her child gender neutral, and eventually insisting her girl ir really a boy..i'd actually be careful because her messaging may seem empowering to some, but it's actually fucking ridiculous and undermining of you. I say this is a raging feminist myself.

I agree.

Its mostly OK I think. Though I think your SiL has overshot with the baking comment. I think care should be taken not to imply the things our society associates with maleness are superior to those associated with femaleness.
We obviously need to break down the association, but i dont think a helpful way to do this is to undervalue a girls achievement in something traditionally 'pink' that she's done with her mum, by suggesting she could (should, even?) be doing something 'blue' with the men instead. The child likes baking, and that's fine. Football is not better than baking because men do more of it than women.

I wonder if the the OP had a boy
would SIL make such comments?… so son is going to football with dad… would she say “oh have you thought you don’t have to go to football you could stay at home and bake?”

I doubt it! I think SIL is not
as enlightened as she thinks she is. In fact she is engaging in undermining a mother and activities that women have traditionally done and still do mostly.

My SIL is you. My niece desperately wanted a Nerf gun like my DS’ (they’re very close in age), but SIL resisted for ages because they were ´for boys only’. When it was back to school time, niece wanted a character one like Ben 10 or something. Again, vetoed because it ´wasn’t for girls’.

Haha, thanks @FrostyFogg 😀

But you said it to your son

Not his child

They are the sort of things I’d say but to my own daughter tbh - if I heard someone else, even a SIL say it, I’d prob bite my tongue and acknowledge we’re different parenting. Actually, to be more precise, I would say this to a niece but certainly not off the back of something my SIL said as I have the self awareness to realise it’d be annoying.

Your SIL is fabulous. What a great role model.

Her messaging is spot on

YABU

Forgot to add I totally disagree that comments like “You’re so pretty” should be avoided. Saw something along those lines in a PP. I think we can all often tell our daughters etc they are beautiful while also reminding them looks aren’t important. I have a friend who was never told and it’s really affected her as an adult.

I think it’s a good thing to counterbalance your comments about your daughter having to be pretty. Not a good idea to put in a child’s head as there is far too much pressure on girls to look a certain way. This message sink in when they are young.

I think it's important for you to recognise that already, at only 3 years old, your DD has picked up the message that she should look pretty. Not clean or strong or intelligent or helpful or honest or fun or healthy or ..... I'm sure you do encourage those other qualities but for a special occasion that required smart clothes (or make up for you) your priority seems to be prettiness. You think your SiL is overemphasising an alternative view but you are reinforcing your attitudes every day.

As her Mother I could do without being constantly corrected. I don't find it lovely.

And all the posters on here who think SiL is wonderful, would change their tune when it wasn't something they agreed with. When she starts asking for preferred pronouns she won't be so popular. Whichever side of that fence you sit.

This

The child is 3!!!!

I think it's over the top.

Have you read the OP's posts?

Her daughter has 'boys' toys and 'boys' clothes

The OP studied engineering and worked in banking.

I don't thin she needs to be told how to raise her child

@nhd What is SiL's job?

And all you SiL fans who think she should be able to say what she likes to her niece - you all take other people commenting on your parenting well, do you?

What a weird comment

But yeah there's some truth in what she says but what is strange is that it's clearly so important to her to be a feminist that she is obviously trying to force these views on her niece, that's not normal and shows she's got a chip on her shoulder about something that it's a constant issue in her mind.
I would actually bring this up OP and say that you actually agree with her but she's making it too obvious she's got issues about feminism and you don't appreciate her acting that way around a tiny person who wouldn't even understand yet.

She sounds like a PITA to me.

A Dsis of mine was like this with her very little dd. Nothing remotely girly - that was until her dd was no longer a baby, and had a mind of her own!

To me it’s anti-feminist to behave as though all girls’ things are somehow inferior to the boys’ equivalents. If a 3 year old girl can’t wear a nice dress and be told she looks pretty, I don’t know what the world’s coming to.

My dd was the least ‘girly’ girl imaginable, but never sought to influence her own dd one way or the other - but at only 2 yo I remember Gdd wanting to wear a ‘pitty’ dress.

Feel free to hold up your hands in horror!