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Original poster

To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

785 replies

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:00

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

OP posts:
TiredCatLady · 15/12/2023 17:14

SIL sounds great!

StaunchMomma · 15/12/2023 17:14

The problem is, she's right!

It's lovely that your DD enjoys putting on make up on like Mummy etc BUT it's also wonderful that she has someone she loves telling her she's perfect without any effort and that she shouldn't change herself for anyone.

If more teenage girls got that message early they wouldn't be pumping their lips/tits & butts to look like sex dolls, accepting choking and anal as standard sexual requests or falling for tactics to get a hold of nudes - all things that are rife in younger generations right now. It's so depressing!

I have no idea why this winds you up, OP. SIL isn't trying to change DD, she's just letting her know she can be whatever she wants to be.

Your casual dropping of the word 'woke' may give a bit of a clue, I guess.

Blogswife · 15/12/2023 17:16

She sounds like a great role model to your DD - everything she’s saying is valid but at the end of the day, you’re her mum and if you don’t like what your SIL is telling your DD then ask her to tone it down .

ShiteRider · 15/12/2023 17:17

She’s absolutely right in everything she says isn’t she?

Not sure what the issue is to be honest

Loopyloooooo · 15/12/2023 17:20

SIL sounds like hard work, it must be exhausting living like that.

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 17:20

I don’t see this as undermining just idiosyncratic quips.

You can either feel undermined, get riled, go on the defensive or take them with a sense of humour. You could even add your own when SIL is there for a laugh - himself or herself, history or herstory etc.

Greenandgreed · 15/12/2023 17:21

OP - your DD spends the vast majority of her time with you . Your values will be much more prominent than your SILs . It’s good for her to learn that people have different values and how to handle that diplomatically . This is just part of that . Relax and just parent your way .

Coyoacan · 15/12/2023 17:22

I think it is nice that she has that aunty. She sounds a bit OTT, but no harm.

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 17:23

Blogswife · 15/12/2023 17:16

She sounds like a great role model to your DD - everything she’s saying is valid but at the end of the day, you’re her mum and if you don’t like what your SIL is telling your DD then ask her to tone it down .

Is anything she says actually not true though? What’s to dislike? Other than OP feeling undermined by it - but isn’t that her problem? (or his problem etc).😉

itsmylife7 · 15/12/2023 17:25

I totally understand what your sil is doing.

She's letting your girl know she's got a choice and you do need to start it young.

I had to have a word with my son as he was being " helicopter parent " with his girls at the park.
Don't climb that tree etc.
I reminded him he never said that to his boy.... he agreed he was wrong.

Most of us DO, unconsciously, treat young boys and girls different.

brokenhairclips · 15/12/2023 17:28

These are all things I mention off and on to my now teen daughter. I wouldn't have a problem with it because I agree with what she's saying. I think it's really sweet she's so fond of her niece.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 17:30

itsmylife7 · 15/12/2023 17:25

I totally understand what your sil is doing.

She's letting your girl know she's got a choice and you do need to start it young.

I had to have a word with my son as he was being " helicopter parent " with his girls at the park.
Don't climb that tree etc.
I reminded him he never said that to his boy.... he agreed he was wrong.

Most of us DO, unconsciously, treat young boys and girls different.

Exactly this, so well put

crostini · 15/12/2023 17:30

It would piss me off if I was getting my child ready and someone interfered. Especially to tell my child she was ok to wear dirty clothes.

The football comment is a bit weird and forced, I'm assuming your daughter was happily enjoying baking. So would have been a confusing comment for her.

The boyfriend/girlfriend comment is harmless though. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

Wish44 · 15/12/2023 17:31

SIL is rude. She is policing your speech and being critical of your parenting.

stand up to her

Whatwouldnanado · 15/12/2023 17:32

You sound lovely OP, and SIL sounds like a pain in the arse, chipping in and undermining you when you’re trying to get ready, get everyone sorted. Your daughter sounds great and having a very balanced upbringing. How about considering why SIL bothers you so much? She obviously doesn’t understand what goes on in your family life as you have explained here. I wonder what your husband thinks? Have confidence in yourself. Next time she pitches in just laugh and tell her yes, thanks, good way of thinking, we have that covered and move on.

Illbebythesea · 15/12/2023 17:34

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong OP, & certainly don’t sound like you’re ‘girly’ to the extreme but SIL is sending a really powerful message to your daughter & I only think it’s a good thing. Your SIL saying she could date a boy or a girl is not going to make her gay. Your SIL saying she could like football instead of baking is not going to make her like football if she just naturally doesn’t. She’s just giving her choice and I think it’s great.

Tacotortoise · 15/12/2023 17:36

I don't understand why wearing clean clothes has to be equated with prettiness. Why does being pretty have to be the end goal rather than looking nice or smart or clean? If your dd is pretty, she'll be pretty in a dirty vest and pj bottoms. Doesn't mean she should go out in them.
People are always yammering about girls being pretty in a way that doesn't happen with boys. It's not good.

CityLass · 15/12/2023 17:36

CatamaranViper · 15/12/2023 16:36

I don't think there is anything wrong with wearing makeup every day (I do) or dressing your DD in dresses and ribbons, nor should you ever be made to feel like you need to apologise for it etc, but I do think it's important to ensure children know that they do have a choice and it isn't 'bad' to not follow a certain trend or like different things. Maybe the SIL is coming across a bit strong but surely it's not a bad thing to expose them to something different?

Show quote history

Nope, our family are traditional in every sense and we would not have anyone near our child who would want to confuse her or put a wedge in our close relationship. Children these days are being continually confused to pander to some nonsense woke ideal and it’s tearing families apart. It’s like a cult. I will never allow anyone to interfere with my right as a mother to impart good, solid, old-fashioned values and morals. Interpret that as you want :-)

Movinghouseatlast · 15/12/2023 17:36

I think what you don't seem to grasp is how these off hand comments about bring pretty, having boyfriends etc mean that these things become the norm for your daughter.

We are all effected by the world around us and if we only hear one point of view that's what we internalise.

Theunamedcat · 15/12/2023 17:38

I dont see why we have to make a list everytime we consider their future they could be interested in boys girls neither both happily single unhappily single/married a lifelong virgin an unrepentant dog walker it takes too long

Dirty clothes are not empowering

CityLass · 15/12/2023 17:38

Movinghouseatlast · 15/12/2023 17:36

I think what you don't seem to grasp is how these off hand comments about bring pretty, having boyfriends etc mean that these things become the norm for your daughter.

We are all effected by the world around us and if we only hear one point of view that's what we internalise.

Edited

Women marrying men has been the norm for thousands of years 🤦‍♀️

Tacotortoise · 15/12/2023 17:39

CityLass · 15/12/2023 17:36

Nope, our family are traditional in every sense and we would not have anyone near our child who would want to confuse her or put a wedge in our close relationship. Children these days are being continually confused to pander to some nonsense woke ideal and it’s tearing families apart. It’s like a cult. I will never allow anyone to interfere with my right as a mother to impart good, solid, old-fashioned values and morals. Interpret that as you want :-)

Show quote history

(Wo)man proposes but god disposes Smile

Theunamedcat · 15/12/2023 17:39

And we mentioned having boyfriends to my daughter turns out she is gay it made zero difference to the outcome

AnonnyMouseDave · 15/12/2023 17:39

nhd · 15/12/2023 15:21

Never had fake tan or lip filler. I wear make up probably once a week. Every day my daughter chooses her own outfit from a wardrobe that contains her boy cousin's hand me downs, very girly dresses, blues, greens, pinks, trackies, glittery tops etc (subject to her outfit choice being weather appropriate obviously)

Show quote history

In which case your SIL is saying reasonable things, but I can understand why you would think that the way and amount she does it is very OTT and unnecessary! And annoying!

Cakeandcardio · 15/12/2023 17:40

I'm clearly against the grain but I fully agree with you OP. We don't have to re-inforce feminist ideas at every opportunity in life. It is tedious. I'm not sure how you deal with it though. Sorry that's not very helpful.