To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

[Onesidedagain]

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

This is so true. You see it every time on threads about dogs (including this one).

OP says she has an allergy so has a physical reaction which will naturally make you wary of being around them as unsure of how much of a reaction you will have.

Posters will then come on and say take an antihistamine and get a grip as if that’s going to solve it (and of course you wouldn’t have thought of that yourself) 🙄

Did I read that correctly? You avoid parks because of your phobia of dogs and don't think it's affecting your children?

Can't you just take some anti allergy meds? It's just a day, think it's a bit mean.

Tell me you don’t know how allergies work without telling me you don’t know….

If you had a nut allergy and someone was forcing you to have the big purple one from the Quality Street tin, would you be happy for someone to say oh go on take a pill so you can eat one, it is Christmas after all.

As a pp said on MN allergies around animals are seen as something you can get over (because it’s an animal) whereas other allergies are understood to be as dangerous as they are

OT - but I'm always so sad to hear how people hate Shepherds. They are lovely dogs. They innately protect not attack. I've never known a nasty one. And I've known a nasty Golden Retriever. I think it's mostly from movies and TV. They have such an undeserved bad reputation.

I have a phobia of dogs. I used to avoid places like parks until I sent my kids to a school that meant the school run included walking through a park and I had no choice. Before this, my DH (or grandparents) would simply take the kids to the park if that's what they wanted to do - it didn't affect them, as they had lots of time with me doing other fun stuff and it was a good chance for bonding 1 on 1 time for them. I don't need to be everywhere with my children at all times. Children have 2 parents.

The first few months of those school runs was hell and required extensive therapy and a lot of support from family and friends for me to be able to do it. Not everyone has that option and if it's a place they CAN avoid, why shouldn't they?

People completely underestimate some phobias - especially phobias of dogs. I've found people act completely different when I tell them my phobia of spiders for example than they do for my phobia of dogs and it's usually the 'dog people' who cannot possibly wrap their heads around someone being scared of their precious 'baby'.

I would never judge someone for their phobia. But perhaps if you've never suffered a severe phobia (particularly one that is often dismissed) you wouldn't understand.

As someone with a severe cat allergy, I understand why OP is unwilling to spend Christmas at her in-laws’ house. I risk anaphylactic shock every time I go into a house with cats. Taking allergy medicine isn’t enough to ensure my safety and the side effects are horrible. The last time I tried this, after less than a fifteen minute visit, I ended up with my eyes swelled shut, wheezing to the point I had to stay in bed. My in-laws saw me like this, got indoor cats afterwards and complained when I wouldn’t visit inside their homes. We tried to visit, but stay outside in the garden and they would insist on bringing the cats outside and holding them during the visit. My DH refused to visit them at their homes after that. We’ve never taken our children to their homes as my allergy is hereditary and we don’t know how severe it may be for them.

The OP and her DH have offered an alternative where the in-laws can visit for the holiday and not risk the health of OP and one of her children. The in-laws would rather spend it with their dogs than make a compromise that ensures OP and her child don’t end up ill. In my opinion, the OP isn’t the unreasonable one.

I would just ask that you turn this around and put yourself in the shoes of in-laws which you may well be one day, what would you do in the situation on one of your DC not coming to the family home for Christmas for ten years?

What goes around, comes around. Think about the bigger picture.

Try to compromise, we can come for post dinner drinks if the dogs are crated or outside the whole time we are there….if they are not willing then you’ve made a reasonable effort.

Just to let you know, the NHS offer therapy for phobias and would do so for dog phobia.

Yes I avoid parks with dogs but we have 2 play parks locally not actually within a bigger park so we go there for swing / slide etc and we have a big garden so they can run about outside , avoiding parks where dogs may be has zero impact on their lives . We also just avoid any dog friendly cafes and pick ones where dogs aren’t allowed it’s not a big deal just takes a few mins thought .

I don’t see how therapy would help - it’s not like I need to be around dogs. It’s not like a spider phobia where there could be one on your house! It’s totally different , I can easily avoid them . My allergy is really bad though and triggers of my asthma if I’m actually indoors with animals so it’s 50/50 mix of phobia and allergy, actually if I’m honest it’s 50% allergy 25% phobia and 25% sensory as the smell makes me want to be sick and the the dog hair etc makes me feel just horrible , I don’t. See how therapy would be a good use of the little spare time I have !

I’ll keep this in mind for my dc who is phobic if they want to address it when older

I don’t think it’s a passed on phobia as one dc loves animals and isn’t scared and both have seen my reaction. I’m also totally fine with spiders yet dc are both totally terrified , same with bees and wasps - so I do think some people have phobias for reasons we just don’t know and would have no matter what they were exposed to so I’m not blaming myself

Why are you agonising about this? Your H has told you what he would rather do so leave it to him.

He's offered to go on Boxing Day, if that isn't enough then surely it has to be a reminder by DH to his DM that he's a grown up now "sorry DM but my wife and kids need me". Don't succumb to emotional blackmail.

OP if you don't like dogs, it doesn't have to be a phobia, you just don't like them full stop. It sounds like you feel infantilised by members of your DHs family and forced into justifying why you don't want to be round their smelly four legged friends. That's your adult choice right?

I can never fathom why some people choose pets over family and friends. The OP is absolutely right not to go along with it.

Try to compromise, we can come for post dinner drinks if the dogs are crated or outside the whole time we are there….if they are not willing then you’ve made a reasonable effort.

it sounds like the ILs don't want to compromise though - they want it 100% their way, Boxing Day isn't enough, it has to be the whole of Christmas which is completely bonkers, when their son is a married man with kids, with an independent life of his own.

Aw firstly - no you’re not being unreasonable at all! Your MIL is.

I have a fear of dogs and I totally understand. What’s mad is I actually have a dog (my first dog - the most cuddly dosile dog) - we spent 3 years on a waiting list for his breeders and we knew I needed his temperament and breed as they are known for being so soft and gentle. However when he came home I was terrified 🤣 and then I got much better and now he’s like a fluffy teddy bear. HOWEVER!…. I walk him and that makes me go near other dogs who are not cuddly teddy bears and scare me still! I also don’t think yours or my fear of dogs is irrational- since I’ve come across more dogs since having mine- we need to be wary around dogs - I’ve had a few incidents and some owners are very poor and have no control over them!

My father in law has now got a new puppy- because I have my own dog everyone assumes I’m ok around other dogs. We went to their house and the puppy was jumping up with sharp claws , biting us all the time , barking and I was so scared and couldn’t relax and kept jumping around. I’ve been like this since im little- if a dog sits in the corner and doesn’t do this I can cope but other than that no way !

Im also really respectful of people in our house- if they or their children are scared of dogs, mine is put into another room away for the whole time- no questions asked as I understand the fear!

So no don’t feel bad you’re not going! I hope you have a lovely a Christmas

I know so many dog owners who are completely terrified of spiders, whereas I'm terrified of dogs but love spiders. Never been bitten by a spider, have been bitten by dogs. Was once asked why I'm scared of dogs when my boyfriend has a pet sheep, didn't know how to respond to that (when I told my mum about it she said a sheep isn't going to rip your face off. 🐑)

Am afraid that your Mil/SiL/BiL’s disregard of your allergies is a sign that they either do not understand the impact of allergies (my hubs gets such severe Allergic asthmatic reactions to cats, that he will be will and unable to breathe properly without medication for days after spending an evening in the presence of cats, even with antihistamines). Being ‘phobic’ in response to the cause of an allergy is a natural - healthy - psychological response. Your husband needs to step up and make it very clear that you are not psychologically phobic, but have a health delimiting/potentially life threatening allergy and that his family’s blatant dismissal of your health and wellbeing is deeply unkind and inconsiderate; that if they want to spend time with him and your children that will need to visit you without the dogs. And that this is non-negotiable. (And I say this as a dog mad woman - my MiL is afraid of - but not allergic to - dogs and grits her teeth to visit us and see her grandkids, so we manage them, exercise them lots/take them outside, and section off areas of the house that they are not allowed to use ever, so she has safe spaces to sit. And we have them doggy sat so that we can go and stay with her regularly. As beloved as our furry babies are, our human family are more important.)

No you don't say this.

You say
Thanks for the invitation but I am allergic to dogs so I can't be around where they are. You are welcome here.

Repeat this. All the time.

Because depending on family member, we can love our pets more 😂

Sounds like you’re projecting your fear onto your dcs. Be careful of doing this, because you don’t want your children to grow up with a fear of dogs. There’s lots of them around at parks etc, and it will effect their quality of enjoyment if they develop phobias.

It sounds like you feel completely justified in your decision and don’t want advice on overcoming your phobia.

MIL is persistent- Im surprised she’s still inviting you after 10 years of you declining!

Why is it an issue for this year?

What is changing this year? You have been spending your Christmas at home for many years without problems, what is the issue now?

if nothing new, just keep your traditional Christmas at home with your children as you have done.

I'm with you.
I have a dreadful cat allergy
Even with anti histamines I am wheezing, eye watering, hives within 15 minutes.
If friends/family get a cat, I just can't go there for any length of time.
There is a discrete group of people who think i am being overly dramatic.
Sounds like you and dh are on the same page.