To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

[Onesidedagain]

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

Because this year she is bombarding dh with messages saying he shouldn’t miss out on ‘his’ Christmas ! He has said to her that he wants to be with the dc. In previous years he’s seen them all on Boxing Day but it’s not enough for her. He’s had messages from his siblings too ! It just seems more intense this year-we do see them over the festive period it’s just I can’t be in a house with multiple dogs and we prefer to have Christmas Day altogether

OP. You have explained your logical, sound, medical reasons very clearly here. So you know you are right. Stick to your guns. (just realised that is a rather warlike phrase but you know what I mean) .

I think an internal change of attitude is called for going forward. I think they pick up on your guilt and so you maybe unconsciously get treated as guilty. I don't think you or DH need to feel guilty about it and perhaps you need to mentally own it and not feel apologetic since its not something you are "inflicting" on anyone.

It just is what it is and you are protecting yourself and one of your children who has the same condition. Your asthma and allergy is a very real problem if you don't take precautions and that is what you are doing. Its particularly important for your son since children's airways are narrower. Its really the same as being asked to spend the weekend in a house where everyone is a heavy indoor smoker. Or spending the weekend with beekeepers in a house next to a load of beehives, if you were severely allergic to bees. You wouldn't apologise for that at all and they would be extremely unreasonable to subject you to it. but its the same.

You are clearly worried about the resentment that this is causing and feel responsible. I think they are picking up on that. Does your DH fully understand how worried you are about this. Has he fully explained it to them?

He needs to explain more clearly to them again that it is a medical issue and not to intentionally cause offence and ask them to explain and justify exactly why they resent it, because it does sound as if they just dismiss this.
He needs to put the onus on them and ask them what do they think would happen if you complied with their suggestions and you or your son ended up needing urgent medical attention. It would be ridiculous to put yourselves at risk like that. How can they not see that?

Perhaps if they had a very calm conversation about it with him, it might help them see that that their stance and lack of understanding is causing distress and that no resentment is necessary since this is a situation you cannot help. And I would normally say you should do this yourself, but in this case I think you need his full support and advocacy.

Best of luck OP

What is the issue?

I agree. You’re happy to live with your phobia, dh is fine about not going to his mum’s on Christmas Day, you have a relationship with ILs -meeting up every couple of weeks and they see your dc.

MIL is probably just inviting you out of habit/ courtesy at this stage.

I doubt she expects you to say yes, she’d probably be really thrown if you did and not have enough chairs 😂

This. Absolutely. An extreme, socially debilitating phobia should never be “passed on” to a child. It’s a learned behaviour for them. With empathy and sympathy OP, you should probably seek therapy/help/treatment for your phobia, and try to prevent or reverse the phobia you’ve passed onto your child. It’s just perpetuating their misery in years to come, and limiting their social ability - like you.

Im sorry for your situation, it sounds hard, but if I had a phobia that had prevented my husband from seeing his family at Christmas for over a decade, and I was now seeing my child display the same issues, I would make it a top priority to try to get some help. Let alone for my own mental benefit.

I hope you all manage to have a lovely Christmas at home this year, and that you can all venture out more in years to come.

There must be a reason why MIL and all dh’s family are making bigger than usual requests for him to visit this year?

Is MIL in poor health/ terminally ill?

Families can get overly sentimental about Christmas Day. It’s just a day.

Make plans to meet up either before or after Christmas as compromise.
Face time MIL on the day?

We offered to host - if it was really about people they’d have accepted. Instead they declined and made it about the dogs importance so I don’t think there’s any particular urgency it’s more a power issue

Her dc has an allergy not a phobia.

Stick to your guns. "His" Christmas like yours is with his DC. They won't come to you even knowing you are allergic/phobic of dogs therefore they will have to see DH on boxing day. The degree to which dogs are put on pedestals above human family here is bonkers, do your in laws also think you should "just get over it" and take a magic pill or pay for therapy to facilitate their preferences?

Lots of families don't see all the relatives on Christmas day but meet up over other times in the festive season.

I can’t believe you’re getting a hard time over this OP.
You have a severe allergy, and you can’t physically go to a house with dogs in. End of.

It's not quite that simple.

We go out as a family without our dogs - but we can't stay for many hours (4, tops) and certainly can't stop late/overnight spontaneously if we've had too much to drink and so can't drive, for the simple, practical reason that you can't leave dogs alone in the house with no access to somewhere to go to the toilet! (Apart from which, it is cruel - dogs need company. If there is more than one dog in a household, emotionally they will keep each other company - but that doesn't stop them needing to relieve themselves, needing fresh water, etc).

I do think it's a shame that they aren't able to go to OP's home to have dinner and stop for (say) 3 or 4 hours, though.

Exactly this.

So many posters focusing on the phobia and not the allergy

I would say I wonder if you had missed out the phobia part in your OP and just said you had an allergy would the responses be different but I doubt it because the dog people would have still said suck it up, it’s Christmas (even if you can’t breathe)

I'm allergic to cats OP and when anyone talks about getting a cat I remind them that means I won't be able to come to their house again.

Over the years I've tried loading up on antihistamines and preventative inhalers and it never works. It might take an hour longer before I'm snotting all over the place and wheezing with my eyes streaming but I'm still miserable for the duration of the stay and it takes me a couple of days before I'm not feeling crap again.

I think as well when you are allergic it's easy to develop a phobia to the animal you are allergic to. I'm not scared of cats but I do perceive them as unclean and when I see them up on kitchen counters etc. it does make me not want to eat anything from that household.

But most of all, you are a family unit and it is perfectly reasonable for you to do your own thing at Christmas and create your own traditions. Your DH can pop over to his family at some point either before or after Christmas and take whichever DC is fine with dogs.

I'm glad your DH is supportive.

His family are selfish and uncompromising expecting DH to spend Christmas with his ‘family’. Do they really think he should leave you and at least one dc at home alone at Christmas?
They need reminding that you and your shared children are his immediate family now and he’s spending it at home.

Do you ever go to MiL's house?

Just grow up and say no. Have Christmas at home together. Can't see that this is a big deal?

No I haven’t been since she got her first dog . Dh has and one dc who isn’t allergic/ scared. We see them regularly though

I agree but we are getting multiple messages each day now about it it’s causing real issues this year

If only Christmas was a predictable date to enable that kind of advance booking ...

Stay home with your immediate family for Christmas.

While a phobia can be dealt with over time, an allergy is with you for life. Putting the dogs into a separate note room wouldn't work because the dander would still be in the air (and the dogs would be going crazy).

I agree it's a power thing because MIL is ordering rather than inviting DH to attend. Get DH to give a final flat no and then refuse to interact. A new tradition starts now.

Take care and good luck, OP.

But that is a choice you make when you have animals isn't it?

It means that you have to arrange care for them, even if its just someone to drop in for food and a garden wee break, when you are away for any length of time. Even on Christmas day you can book people to do this in the absence of a local friend or neighbour to help.

If you don't want to do this it will restrict your options for visiting friends and family but its still your choice. It would be utterly unreasonable to expect people to take "allergy pills" which don't even work or get phobia therapy to facilitate your choice to have pets and prioritise them.

You seem to have let your phobia get out of control & even passed it onto your child. You absolutely need counselling / therapy. In the meantime your DH should absolutely go with the child who doesn’t have a phobia - it’s cruel to deny him and your kids 10 years of quality time with his family

don't suffer from allergies I'm guessing... why yes I'd love to spend Christmas with my nose running, eyes streaming and face itching, all so I can see people who obviously don't give a hoots about me as they suggest allergies are nothing...

I'd suggest stick to your guns, good to see hubby is standing by and providing that much needed joint message. I know they won't come to your boxing day, suggest a meal out with all the fam one day so you all get together, you'll see how dismissive they are if they refuse that, doesn't even have to be a meal, just a gathering to all get together without the dogs!

I have a phobia of dogs and have no intention of attempting to get over it. To me dogs are a danger and my phobia helps me to protect myself because it makes me stay away from the danger, and all my friends know so they keep their dogs away from me. I don’t like dogs and I don’t wish to spend any time with them. My life is fine without having dogs in it.

OP your MIL is being totally unreasonable. Stick to your guns. Good that your DH has your back.