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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

586 replies

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:37

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

OP posts:
horseyhorsey17 · 15/12/2023 15:12

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 15:03

Problem is you won't get much empathy from some dog lovers as they don't get that some people just really don't like them

You'd get better responses if you loved them and your mother in law didn't lol .

I'm a dog lover but I do understand, my son (even tho with the school therapy dog helping ). Still gets his moments around dogs , mostly the big dogs off lead bounding around. It's no joke and it's frustrating for him as I'm sure it is for you.

The poster doesn't need everyone piling on the get help you've scarred your child comments , I'm sure she wishes she could and being allergic makes that worse.

This works both ways though. The truth is that a lot of dog lovers care more for their dogs than their inlaws. And why shouldn't they? They didn't choose their inlaws but they chose their dogs.

Soontobe60 · 15/12/2023 15:12

WandaWonder · 15/12/2023 11:54

10 years is a long time, I can imagine the replies if it was your parents you wanted to see

I can't see why he has to stay away every year, it is your choice not to go

It was the MILs choice to get 2 dogs knowing her DIL was both allergic to them and also had a severe phobia. The MIL sounds incredibly controlling.

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 15:14

I would prefer a dog too over my toxic in-laws why I don't speak to them anymore lol .

But fear isn't always passed on , if you read my replies . I love dogs , had them growing up but my youngest haa a fear of them (better with the schools therapy dog) but still is wary . And my child would come before a dog that's for sure !!

greencheetah · 15/12/2023 15:15

Soontobe60 · 15/12/2023 15:12

It was the MILs choice to get 2 dogs knowing her DIL was both allergic to them and also had a severe phobia. The MIL sounds incredibly controlling.

Show quote history

Controlling?

It’s her house!! 😂😂😂

horseyhorsey17 · 15/12/2023 15:15

Soontobe60 · 15/12/2023 15:12

It was the MILs choice to get 2 dogs knowing her DIL was both allergic to them and also had a severe phobia. The MIL sounds incredibly controlling.

Show quote history

So the MIL shouldn't have got a dog to please her DIL? And you think she sounds controlling?

Niallig32839 · 15/12/2023 15:16

I mean you have declined for 10 years now I would think they would realise you’re never intending on going. If it’s family you see and have regular time with maybe not a big deal but if Christmas would be the main time to be together I understand his parents feeling sad at not ever seeing all their grandchildren together

Branleuse · 15/12/2023 15:16

well of course you cant go to somewhere with loads of dogs if you are terrified of dogs. Dont rise to it

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 15:20

I don't think the poster even said about her not having them . Just that it makes it hard for her to go there and I don't blame her for that at all.

Sorry horsey was only meant to reply the Frist part to you re in-laws

Right I'm off this thread , hope you have a lovely Christmas dog , allergy free and hopefully your in-laws will come visit you instead 😊

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 15:21

First not Frist .. see I'm off 😂

SpareHeirOverThere · 15/12/2023 15:25

"I don't want to overnight at MIL's house at Christmas for (insert reason here)."

You are an adult with your own traditions and family life. You do not ever need to spend Christmas Day with MIL. You can always and only spend it as a family, just you and dh and dcs, if you please. You don't have to follow anyone else's traditions.

It's nice that dh makes an effort to see them at some point over the holidays. You offered to host /them all; they can't/won't allow it.

I will never understand parents of grown children infexibly demanding that Christmas is always and only spent at the childhood home.

phoenixrosehere · 15/12/2023 15:33

YANBU

I swear some parents forget that their adult children have minds of their own and can choose what they want to do and where they want to go for and on Christmas Day.

Your DH is choosing not to go when he actually can go for a few hours without you.

From what you posted, it doesn’t sound like they really see you as family if they think you can just ignore your allergy and want to blame you for your DH’s choices.

caramac04 · 15/12/2023 15:34

YANBU. I have dogs and anyone with allergies is likely to be really miserable at my house. Locking the dogs in another room wouldn’t work .
I would not expect someone to feel ill because I choose to have dogs.
Chrismas traditions can be great but not when they are so rigid they impinge on other people’s choices.

lesdeluges · 15/12/2023 15:39

They prefer their dogs over you. Your DH should (and possibly does) have your back and stay home with you. You have offered to host minus dogs, but no, that is not enough.

Nothing will ever be enough coming from you though. So do your own thing and DH, you and children have a great Christmas Day as you should.

I wouldn't give it another thought TBH. If DH agrees with you and backs you up there is nothing they can say that will have any impact.

If he dithers that's another matter and they will blame you and manipulate him. Make sure that doesn't happen and you are good to go and enjoy Christmas without these controlling people. There are multiple work arounds, but they want it their way or the highway with or without you. Dogs are not humans.

Workway · 15/12/2023 15:44

The hysteria on this thread because someone doesn't like dogs is baffling.

What if it was spiders, rodents? An allergy to nuts that MIL insisted on using while cooking?

I have 2 dogs and sorry OP I might think you're a bit wet for having a phobia of two perfectly friendly dogs but I certainly wouldn't push the issue. Coupled with an allergy to them - I'd either be booking kennels/dog sitter for Christmas day or I'd have accepted that Christmas day had to be done differently - I might suggest booking a restaurant for Christmas dinner so everyone could attend etc

Sounds like they don't want a middle ground they just want a bitch fest!

Brefugee · 15/12/2023 16:00

Don’t like the smell-well now you’re just sounding like you’re making excuses tbh.

as an excuse it is one i am completely comfortable making. If someone invites me to their house that reeks of dog? sorry, that's a "no can do" from me.

Boomboom22 · 15/12/2023 16:16

It's clear from this thread how horrible some dog owners are, they don't care and they don't acknowledge how dangerous their animals are. Just not nice people, anyone who says they prefer dogs to people or compares them to children, or even calls a dog phobia irrational or denies they smell is not a nice person.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 15/12/2023 16:36

Phobia aside, all these people expecting you to put with feeling ill on Christmas Day because of your allergies are very very unreasonable. Why is MIL's enjoyment of Christmas more important than yours? Fuck that.

Why should you be uncomfortable on Christmas Day? I have allergies too, antihistamines are not a magic cure, for many people it doesn't cure it for a few hours, just makes it slightly less bad.

MIL is choosing to not see her grandchildren.

hellsBells246 · 15/12/2023 16:45

Tell them you are making your own family traditions! And you will see them somewhere without the dogs...

RampantIvy · 15/12/2023 16:50

Phobia aside, all these people expecting you to put with feeling ill on Christmas Day because of your allergies are very very unreasonable

Exactly.

Flossflower · 15/12/2023 17:32

Maray1967 · 15/12/2023 14:36

No. They presumably knew she has a phobia of dogs. But they got dogs. I wouldn’t get animals if my DIL had a phobia of them - and then kick off when she won’t come at Christmas. That is just nuts, in my view.

Plus, GPS don’t have the right to demand their grown up DCs with their own families stay for Christmas. We don’t know the history in this case but there have been posts that say that the GPS always had Christmas in their home when they were a young family but still expect the ‘tradition’ to continue when the next generation are now the young families.

Show quote history

That is more or less what I was going to say. I am a grandparent and have to realise that it is now my children’s turn to do their own Christmas Day. We are very lucky that we always get invited.
I too am dog phobic. I have been ever since I was a toddler and was knocked over by an excited large dog. I don’t see this as a problem as I don’t like being around dogs anyway.

Findinganewme · 15/12/2023 22:07

Can the dogs go into another room whilst you make a quick visit?

WinterDeWinter · 15/12/2023 22:13

I feel for you and also (on principle only - they sound like arseholes) for them.I know what a phobia feels like and of course you can't just put a brave face on 'just for one day'.

At the same time I couldn't leave my dog alone for more than 2-3 hours and definitely wouldn't put them in the very stressful environment of a kennels (where dogs believe that they have been abandoned) to spend any day with anyone, barring a terminal relative or something like that.

It sounds like they are, as above, arseholes - but is there a way next year to have them to you for a short but very lovely period, so that they could leave their dogs at home for 3 hours and have a really fantastic time at yours?

In the spirit of turning the other cheek on arseholes ;-)

WinterDeWinter · 15/12/2023 22:22

They presumably knew she has a phobia of dogs. But they got dogs. I wouldn’t get animals if my DIL had a phobia of them - and then kick off when she won’t come at Christmas. That is just nuts, in my view.

Just wanted to add that the desire to get a dog can be almost irresistible, along the same trajectory (though obviously not literally the same) as the desire to have a child.

I have a relationship with my dog that's genuinely quite central to my wellbeing. That fact is politely hidden by my ironically OTT irritation at the twatness of him/ludicrous babying of him, depending on the time of day/his behaviour. But he really is my dependent/family and I couldn't willingly put him in a scary/stressful situation.

WinterDeWinter · 15/12/2023 22:27

I have two children about whom I've been very worried in the past, btw -so I know whereof I speaketh when I talk about the complex ties of dependency. 😁

Eekmystro · 15/12/2023 22:27

It sounds like you don’t want to go there because of the obvious dog issue, your DH isn’t that fussed either. So there shouldn’t be an issue. The issue is purely his family’s issue.

just keep repeating “Thanks for offer but we are staying home this xmas” and DH can visit with DC that want to on Boxing Day for a few hours.