Page 7 | To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

Onesidedagain · 2023-12-15T11:37:45+00:00

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog. Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog. I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’ Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

Irritatedmum · 15/12/2023 14:33

How bad is your allergy? How does it affect you?

That needs to be considered separately to the phobia, which really does need to be treated if you’ve passed it on to your child. Imagine how it is (and will continue to) affect their life. My friend has passed her animal phobia on to her children but while hers is a relatively mild phobia, her children won’t even leave the house if there’s a cat outside, and they haven’t been to a park in years.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/12/2023 14:33

Why can’t your dh just go over by himself on Boxing Day?

I can see why they wouldn’t want to come to you for what would probably be several hours, leaving the dogs at home with nobody to let them out if they need a wee. And no, before anyone says it, you can’t find helpful dog sitters just like that, especially not over Christmas - and kennels cost a bomb, besides so often being booked up well in advance.

Anisette · 15/12/2023 14:34

horseyhorsey17 · 15/12/2023 14:31

You say that but from the POV of the inlaws and every other member of the family, it's the OP that's causing drama. She hasn't taken her kids for a family Christmas in 10 years, so no wonder they're a bit narked off. The idea that none of them should have got dogs because she doesn't like them and won't come for Christmas otherwise is completely unreasonable.

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Bit of economy with the truth there. You know perfectly well that it's not a case of OP not liking dogs, the problem is that she has an allergy and a serious phobia. Nor does she say they shouldn't have got dogs, she is just saying it means she can't go to their houses.

Why have you deliberately misrepresented the facts?

Maray1967 · 15/12/2023 14:36

horseyhorsey17 · 15/12/2023 14:31

You say that but from the POV of the inlaws and every other member of the family, it's the OP that's causing drama. She hasn't taken her kids for a family Christmas in 10 years, so no wonder they're a bit narked off. The idea that none of them should have got dogs because she doesn't like them and won't come for Christmas otherwise is completely unreasonable.

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No. They presumably knew she has a phobia of dogs. But they got dogs. I wouldn’t get animals if my DIL had a phobia of them - and then kick off when she won’t come at Christmas. That is just nuts, in my view.

Plus, GPS don’t have the right to demand their grown up DCs with their own families stay for Christmas. We don’t know the history in this case but there have been posts that say that the GPS always had Christmas in their home when they were a young family but still expect the ‘tradition’ to continue when the next generation are now the young families.

Honeychickpea · 15/12/2023 14:39

2jacqi · 15/12/2023 14:32

@CalistoNoSolo If my husband spent christmas day with others rather than me, then he would be my ex!!

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How controlling.

Olika · 15/12/2023 14:41

@horseyhorsey17 OP is allergic and has phobia. Do you know how it feels? I do as I am allergic to any furry animals and had a severe phobia when I was growing up to the point I wasn't able to be in the same space with dogs. I am still uncomfortable when any dog is nearby me.
All DH needs to do is tell his family they are not going and shut any further drama his family try to cause. Just because they want to have dogs doesn't mean OP should ignore her situation.

OhIlovetosew · 15/12/2023 14:44

OP YNBU, I had awful allergies as a kid and even that on its own was horrible, your DH sees them, it’s a bit unfortunate but that’s life. Those that don’t understand just don’t and never will.

you’ve offered a suitable alternative and you have the right to your own traditions too

Needhelpsupport · 15/12/2023 14:45

OwOwHolyCow · 15/12/2023 12:21

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either

How allergic? You have everyone responding saying how allergies kill, and they can, but you haven’t specified the extent of your allergies. Eyes streaming and stuffed up sinuses -take a pill. Risk of death-YANBU.

Terrified -I agree with pp you are passing your phobia onto dc so you need to look into conquering the fear somewhat before their fear becomes insurmountable.

Don’t like the smell-well now you’re just sounding like you’re making excuses tbh.

Agree !

Mrsttcno1 · 15/12/2023 14:46

Olika · 15/12/2023 14:41

@horseyhorsey17 OP is allergic and has phobia. Do you know how it feels? I do as I am allergic to any furry animals and had a severe phobia when I was growing up to the point I wasn't able to be in the same space with dogs. I am still uncomfortable when any dog is nearby me.
All DH needs to do is tell his family they are not going and shut any further drama his family try to cause. Just because they want to have dogs doesn't mean OP should ignore her situation.

I think the problem with this though is there’s also other people’s feelings to consider. There is surely a middle ground whereby OP’s DH & kids could pop over for a couple of hours, even an hour, open some presents etc and have even a little bit of time together, even if it was every other year, and on the alternate year the parents can come to them for an hour or so in the same way.

I love my DH, and if I were in his position I would be popping over to my mums with the kids for an hour or so on the day so that my mum and dad could share in the magic of Christmas Day with their grandchildren, and they would then do the same the following year to our house. There are more options than just “see them all day” and “not see them at all”.

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 15/12/2023 14:51

Op, you do not need any excuse to decline an invitation, but I do agree that your allergy definitely is a good reason to say no. Sounds like your DH backs you up, so don’t fret about it.

Just don’t tell them that you don’t like the smell! It may be true, but we dog owners are of the opinion that while other dogs may smell, ours are little wafts of loveliness.

You have given them options. You have done enough. Enjoy your dog-free Christmas.

BalloonSalesperson · 15/12/2023 14:51

The fact you’re saying “as we know what to avoid” means actually it 100% is affecting your daily lives

In a positive way, if you simply don't like being around dogs.
I avoid noisy pubs and sprouts and all manner of things because I don't like them. I don't like dogs. So I avoid them too.

fuchsteufelswild · 15/12/2023 14:53

YANBU, your MIL needs to back off.Why on earth does your MIL want to bring the dogs, does she know how allergies and/or phobias work?

I had a friend whose family had 5 Irish wolfhounds at any given time. As you can imagine, the house looked and smelled horrible and it worsened my friend's asthma considerably. How her mother could do that to her I'll never know; I never went back there again.

Does your other child interact with dogs?

BalloonSalesperson · 15/12/2023 14:54

Even without an allergy or phobia it’s not
unreasonable to not want to go and spend
time in a house that smells of dogs

Quite. It's really uncomfortable having to put up with feeling queasy all day.

Mrsttcno1 · 15/12/2023 14:56

BalloonSalesperson · 15/12/2023 14:51

The fact you’re saying “as we know what to avoid” means actually it 100% is affecting your daily lives

In a positive way, if you simply don't like being around dogs.
I avoid noisy pubs and sprouts and all manner of things because I don't like them. I don't like dogs. So I avoid them too.

What a bafflingly stupid thing to compare someone’s PHOBIA of something to your dislike of sprouts ??

Sapphire387 · 15/12/2023 14:56

You haven't been in ten years so it's not your tradition. And your DH sounds like he doesn't even particularly want to go. It's a no-brainer. YANBU. You have even offered to host them!

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2023 14:58

I think people just are how they are when it comes to phobias.

You're wrong. Do some reading, it's really interesting. Don't have your child live with something that they don't have to.

Peachy2005 · 15/12/2023 15:02

Your DH doesn’t even want to go…so that’s the end of the discussion surely? He asks them firmly but politely to stop hassling him or he will have to snooze them for a few days/week…it’s a good chance for him to start asserting himself with his family if he struggles with this. It’s perfectly acceptable for him to go over on Boxing Day only if that’s his preference. Enjoy your Christmas x

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 15:03

Problem is you won't get much empathy from some dog lovers as they don't get that some people just really don't like them

You'd get better responses if you loved them and your mother in law didn't lol .

I'm a dog lover but I do understand, my son (even tho with the school therapy dog helping ). Still gets his moments around dogs , mostly the big dogs off lead bounding around. It's no joke and it's frustrating for him as I'm sure it is for you.

The poster doesn't need everyone piling on the get help you've scarred your child comments , I'm sure she wishes she could and being allergic makes that worse.

Pancakeorcrepe · 15/12/2023 15:04

Congratulations, you have passed on your phobia to one of your children. You should have tackled the phobia years ago. You sound helpless.

Littlegoth · 15/12/2023 15:05

Pipsquiggle · 15/12/2023 12:53

@Littlegoth even though my friend has been managing her cat allergy in this way for 50+ years? I am pretty sure she has no anxiety about going into anaphylaxis shock even if she had forgotten to take the piriton.

My window cleaner has always had severe reactions to dogs (so he tells me) which is why he is so vigilant.

So much ignorance in this post. You don’t know what you are talking about.

If it was as simple as taking a pill and not being anxious we wouldn’t need epipens, would we?

BrimfulOfMash · 15/12/2023 15:07

Addressing your phobia isn't so that you can go to MILs or have her damn dogs in your house!

I have no phobia but won't have people's dogs in the house for more than a quick in and out while I get ready to go for a walk with them, for example.

But I would not be prepared to live my life, or let my kids see me living my life, with a phobia to something so commonplace. It's not genetic - your Dc has picked it up from you.

I have addressed a phobia that was affecting how my family and I holidayed. I feel freer - even tho we haven't actually yet done one of the holidays in question!

horseyhorsey17 · 15/12/2023 15:08

Maray1967 · 15/12/2023 14:36

No. They presumably knew she has a phobia of dogs. But they got dogs. I wouldn’t get animals if my DIL had a phobia of them - and then kick off when she won’t come at Christmas. That is just nuts, in my view.

Plus, GPS don’t have the right to demand their grown up DCs with their own families stay for Christmas. We don’t know the history in this case but there have been posts that say that the GPS always had Christmas in their home when they were a young family but still expect the ‘tradition’ to continue when the next generation are now the young families.

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Well nobody has the 'right to demand' anyone stays with anyone at Christmas. But if the OP hates dogs so much, presumably she's not stayed with them at all in 10 years, nor brought the kids to stay with them. Her choice, but it's not exactly going to do wonders for family relations.

WonderLife · 15/12/2023 15:08

OP & DH don't want to go there.
PIL don't want to come to theirs.

Not sure why this is OP's issue to fix?

horseyhorsey17 · 15/12/2023 15:10

Olika · 15/12/2023 14:41

@horseyhorsey17 OP is allergic and has phobia. Do you know how it feels? I do as I am allergic to any furry animals and had a severe phobia when I was growing up to the point I wasn't able to be in the same space with dogs. I am still uncomfortable when any dog is nearby me.
All DH needs to do is tell his family they are not going and shut any further drama his family try to cause. Just because they want to have dogs doesn't mean OP should ignore her situation.

I'm allergic to cats and still have a cat, so to a certain extent, yes.

Phobia of dogs I think is a bit ridiculous tbh. You should always be sensible around dogs, but irrational phobias are something people should try to overcome if they impact on everyday life.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 15/12/2023 15:10

If you choose to get a dog, knowing that your son is married to someone who can’t be around dogs, this is the sort of thing that will happen. Which is not to say the MIL shouldn’t have dogs, just that she should have thought about how it would affect family gatherings.