To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

[Onesidedagain]

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

I think the PP is saying that in this case the phobia is a red herring - even without the phobia, OP is allergic and therefore can't go.

I don't think they're saying that phobias are irrelevant in general - it was more of a riposte to all the dopey "just get over with your phobia" posts. As OP says, even if she invested the time and money and was successful in doing that, she'd still be allergic to dogs.

I don't get why people are asking why OPs DH can't see "his family" at Christmas. His family are his wife and his DC and yes, he should be with them, his family.
We never went anywhere after we had our first DC. Christmas is time for being with your family and once you have a partner and DC they are your family. DH needs to put a stop to the badgering and say thank you but we are staying home as we always do (10 years is always tbh) No reasons, no explanation. Merry Christmas.

@Dejavue You’ll be better off starting your own thread but for what it’s worth, You want Christmas your way so make it happen.
Set some ground rules. Start now. Tell DH his daughter and her boyfriend are welcome to stay but they need reminding that this is your house, not a hotel or a doss house and should appreciate your hospitality and will be expected to help out and if he won’t I’d do it my self. This goes for all of them , get all of them help out, they clear up after themselves, help out with cooking and cleaning, the boyfriend included, Don’t wait on them hand and foot. If they don’t like it that can stay elsewhere.

Yanbu.

If I was mil I would have accepted your offer to host, and would have looked into care for the dogs.

It’s wild to me that she expects DH to leave you, and your dc but she won’t leave her dogs.

Are people being deliberately obtuse or just not reading the OP’s posts? Being around dogs and cats triggers @Onesidedagain‘s asthma. People can die if they have a severe asthma attack.

My mum died when I was 10 years old as an asthma attack lead to a heart attack. She left 5 young children as orphans.

OP, you are not being unreasonable. I hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄

I am totally on your side OP. You dont need 'fixing' to fit in with dog obsessives. And thankfully your DH is too, bet he's very pleased that he doesn't have to go either! Enjoy your family Xmas free from dogs. Some of us can manage to go for a walk without one.

Is this victim blaming…?

Because I suggested that someone with a disabling phobia get some help for it?

Cool story bro.

Again, how is it a phobia when it causes severe allergic reactions? It’s not irrational for her to avoid dogs due to her circumstances so not a phobia.

Hmmm I rather think that having severe reactions to dogs and being afraid of having a severe reaction isn't really an irrational fear (phobia) but actually a fear which is self preservationary.

Fear comes from a need to protect yourself. It's is evolutionary and a rational response to a threat. If we didn't have fear, we'd kill ourselves and humans would have died out a long time ago. A phobia is when that fear is out of control and goes beyond the actual risk and becomes a problem in its own right which can limit your life in other ways. More simply put a phobia is an inability to correctly assess a risk.

The OP does not have a phobia. She's used the word because that's what other people understand as an extreme fear but it's actually an incorrect use of the word. There is a risk to her health and wellbeing which she understands from previous experience. Her desire to avoid is therefore totally understandable and rational.

We wouldn't ask people to risk their health to spend time with family at Christmas. We wouldn't tell them to go and have psychological training (brainwashing) to ignore the risks to their health and put the demands of others over their physical needs.

What it boils down to to a large extent on this thread is belief. People who do not believe that allergies to dogs are real. This is despite evidence to the contrary. That's ideological bullshit that they want to push onto others because they think suffers are liars.

That's conspiracy level claptrap. I have no time for people like this who refuse to believe.

Other people’s pets can be a total PITA and, over the years, I have avoided visiting some people who have cats or dogs. Cats trying to jump on your lap, bed down and leave hairs on your clothes. Yapping dogs. Dogs jumping up, bringing you their toys, licking you… yuk.
Gooey-eyed owners not having the basic sense to realise that not everyone who visits wants to be jumped on, slobbered on and harassed.

Definition of phobia according to Wikipedia:

A phobia is an anxiety disorder, defined by a persistent and excessive fear of an object or situation. Phobias typically result in a rapid onset of fear and are usually present for more than six months. Those affected go to great lengths to avoid the situation or object, to a degree greater than the actual danger posed.

A phobia is where your ability to assess risk is faulty. It is an inability to correctly assess the danger.

The OPs assessment process is not faulty. She is correctly assessing the physical risk based on previous experience.

This does not constitute a phobia. This constitutes a real health issue.

He's the NHS definition:

People also ask
A phobia is an overwhelming and debilitating fear of an object, place, situation, feeling or animal. Phobias are more pronounced than fears. They develop when a person has an exaggerated or unrealistic sense of danger about a situation or object.

Heres a dictionary definition in case anyone is still struggling to understand the difference between a phobia and a genuine extreme fear.

an exaggerated usually inexplicable and illogical fear of a particular object, class of objects, or situation

Can anyone explain the irrational, illogical, exaggerated, unrealistic, excessive or disproportionate element of having previously had allergic reactions to dogs which is potentially life threatening and ask yourself would you be willing to just take anti histamines to try and avoid a possible trip to hospital on Christmas day with an anaphylactic shock?

Agree

They need to be more accommodating? Do you mean get rid of their beloved animals???

Yeh you MIL found you and thinks this will turn the tide of support. If she doesn’t believe you have allergies then she won’t try and keep you safe and will put nuts in your food to test you.
in response to me explaining how to use my épopée mh MIL said “what allergies” and I’ve never eaten there again

“I have epi pens for my food (nut) allergies , but not for pet allergies it was prescribed as I’m allergic to peanuts hazelnuts and cashews. The food allergies cause my throat to swell. Pet allergies make my asthma really bad and my eyes swell and water so much I can’t see !”

@Onesidedagain - given all this, I wonder whether you should say you have a “phobia” of dogs. I would say you have a very rational fear reaction to what you will go through if you’re too closely exposed to dog fur. All sounds very reasonable to me and it’s a real shame your husband’s family is so dismissive of it.

We have cats and we knew someone who was so allergic to cats that he couldn’t come into our house for more than a few minutes, irrespective of where our cats actually were. Otherwise, it could trigger the kind of reaction you describe and he could end up feeling ill for days. It’s not just reasonable to want to avoid that - it’s sensible and responsible. Your DCs really don’t need their mum hospitalised and out of action because she has had an allergic reaction to family dogs.

Hadn’t seen @RedToothBrush‘s post when I posted but Red has expressed the position particularly well and better than I did. Your fears around dogs are rational, OP - they are not a phobia.

Let your DH deal with them.

He can give a final offer of compromise then say he's not discussing further -
ignore further messages.

Id be arranging to meet for a pub lunch somewhere with no dogs after Christmas Day.

Plenty of ppl spend their Christmas with their own DC. Your choice what you choose as "tradition"

In defence of dog owners - many of us fully understand that people have rational fears of dogs, have allergies, and also have phobias. Not all of us are like the OP’s MiL. In fact, my husband and I have 2 spaniels (we have 2 children/teens on the spectrum and they serve an emotional support and cohesive function in our lives, hence we have 2). However, my 82yo MiL is very afraid of dogs and dirt phobic/OCD. Understanding that she needs to feel safe in our home we removed all soft furnishings in our downstairs (Okay, so this has taken a few years to do due to the cost), changed all the floors to laminate wood and tile, all the furniture to wood/leather. This enables easy thorough cleaning/vacuuming so that she can see the place is clean, and we have areas that can be gated off to ensure she can sit in the lounge or at the kitchen without fear of the new puppy jumping. We also do not allow the dogs upstairs into any of the guest bedrooms so that she knows her room is a dog free zone. We have done this - or steam cleaned carpets/furnishing before her visits in the past - to ensure that she is safe and feels valued. We also have a friend who comes to take the dogs out. As a result, she has warmed to our pets within her limited ability to do so, even though she will not pet them and is easily startled by them if they get lively (at which time my DH and his dad immediately take them outside and wear them out in the garden). If she had an allergy too, we’d find a sitter and head up to see her in her home. Bless her, though, my MiL knows that as my kids are on the spectrum they are happier in their own home, so has worked with us to come to us for every Christmas since we became dog owners (10 years). It can be done, but the OP’s MiL is clearly too caught up in her own needs to see those of the people she claims to love and whose company she claims to value.

but the OP’s MiL is clearly too caught up in her own needs to see those of the people she claims to love and whose company she claims to value.

That needs correcting. The MIL is too caught up in her own wants to recognise the needs of others she claims to love.

Agree with you. I love pets but not everyone does and if there is a phobia, why should OP go? I would not go if I were the OP.

It's not a phobia...

Your DH needs to send his family (not just his mother) a message saying that while they have their own family tradition, he is now trying to set his own family tradition for him, you and your children and they should respect that. He will see them on Boxing Day and not before and any further discussion will result in him not bothering to visit on Boxing Day either (and he should mean it).

It has to come from him though.

Why on earth would anyone to have to put this much energy and money into accommodating someone else's dogs? Why can't the dogs just be 100% isolated for a small period of time?