Page 17 | To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

Rosscameasdoody · 16/12/2023 22:44

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Disability top trumps is alive and kicking I see !!

FeedMeSantiago · 16/12/2023 22:46

I don't have allergies to anything other than ibuprofen (which is easily avoided, thankfully) but I do have bad asthma (consultant care).

I have to avoid certain triggers. One of the main ones being cigarette smoke. I just can't be around people who are smoking, or visit the homes of smokers, without my asthma worsening and needing to take my inhaler.

Most of my family smoke and I therefore cannot visit their homes (they all smoke inside). They get arsey about it but I refuse to risk my life (3-4 people die of asthma a day in the UK) by exposing myself to secondary and tertiary smoke. I refuse to subject myself to the coughing, tight chest and shortness of breath cigarette smoke causes me. The whole family think I'm being melodramatic of course, but I'm following medical advice.

OP's allergy on its own is enough reason for her not to visit. She should not be expected to experience the discomfort of her allergy symptoms and risk a potentially fatal asthma attack.

OP - your DH needs to be very firm here and point out the medical reasons you and one DC cannot visit their homes. He should then remind them it is unreasonable to expect him to spend christmas with them and leave you and your children alone. He could also point out that they have refused every compromise offered, including them coming to you.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/12/2023 22:47

CantFindMyMarbles · 16/12/2023 20:48

Take some antihistamine’s and you’ll be fine. The amount of people that walk around with animal dander on the en in immense including people you are friends with, work with etc.

And if you read upthread a bit the OP has already said that as a child, her allergy was triggered by sitting next to a child who had a dog at home. Animal dander. Triggering her allergy when the dog wasn’t even present.

SummerPeach · 16/12/2023 22:51

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:37

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

Offer to meet them somewhere for a meal, somewhere that doesn’t allow dogs (eg a pub that is dogfree) in the new year.

How bothered is your husband about missing Christmas with his family? If he’s pretty much unbothered, I wouldn’t worry about it at all.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 16/12/2023 22:52

There is a very useful feature of this board which can help people not to make complete asses of themselves

At the bottom of each of the OP's posts there's a place which says "see all". Click on it, and all the OP's posts come up and you can read them.

Then you don't look imbecilic for suggesting that she do things she's already carefully explained do not work.

MrsClatterbuck · 16/12/2023 22:53

Lopella · 16/12/2023 22:12

God the arrogance of you. There is absolutely nothing minor about being hospitalised with an asthma attack. I hope everyone you meet treats those in your household with allergies with much more empathy and understanding than you treat those you deem with "lesser" allergies. There's absolutely nothing scummy about avoiding asthma or allergy triggers. Imagine if someone said that to your loved one - sure so what if you expose yourself to a potentially fatal allergen, you have your epipen!

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Exactly. I had a work colleague who died from asthma in her twenties. Plus dh had a neighbour who died from asthma. The figure used to be 2k people died from asthma a year. Dh has asthma which fortunately he got warning signs when it got bad and got the right medication to ward off any severe attacks. Plus it has got better over the years thank God.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 16/12/2023 22:56

Rosscameasdoody · 16/12/2023 22:42

I think the description the OP gave of her allergy being triggered by sitting next to a boy in school who had a dog, is pretty much an indicator of how serious the allergy is. Interesting that you find what can be a life threatening allergy amusing though.

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Was finding humour in the fact that people thinking leaving the house is on the same level of risk as being in the house with three dogs. There’s a greater chance of a dog climbing on you in a house than out in public.

SummerPeach · 16/12/2023 22:59

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:37

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

P.s. I have issues with dogs as well. And so do my kids. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone by any means! I totally get it.

RedToothBrush · 16/12/2023 23:09

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 11:52

I mean, obviously you can't help being allergic to dogs and your phobia sounds like a severe one, so if your husband goes over on Boxing Day without you, I think YANBU.

Of course he ought to be able to see his family, but there's no reason why he should spend a full three days with them just because that's their expectation.

Have you sought treatment for your phobia, though? It sounds very extreme, so could/should be treated like any other mental illness. If my own phobia was preventing my partner and I from doing certain things as a couple, I think I would be looking to get treated.

How does having treatment for a phobia help an allergy?

The phobia will be connected with having an allergic reaction you don't want. Which is pretty damn logical and rational.

There's nothing to be gained for treatment for a phobia of it's rooted in having a physical allergy.

dejavu27 · 16/12/2023 23:15

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CrebillionFils · 16/12/2023 23:20

@dejavu27 you need to start a new post and when you do create some paragraphs, no one wants to read a wall of text.

SapphireSeptember · 17/12/2023 00:21

Mrschickenn · 16/12/2023 13:39

I think this sounds like a made up allergy to try and get away with the phobia. I also think having passed this fear onto one of your children, you’re really unfair and need to get help. I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but would always trust a dog not liking a person. You and now your child are seriously missing out on the amazing animals they are

Try telling that to my friend, some of her kids are so allergic to dogs it could kill them, (they have epi pens.) OP is not unreasonable to want to keep away from something that makes her seriously ill. I get dreadful hayfever, but I can't avoid pollen in the spring/summer, so I find ways to mitigate it, like having a shower as soon as I get home.

GrannyRose15 · 17/12/2023 01:04

It sounds to me as though there is something else going on here that is not clear from the posts. For ten years your MIL has invited you to spend Christmas at hers with the rest of your DHs family. For ten years you have declined. If the requests for your DH to join the family have intensified this year there is likely to be a reason for it. I would suspect that she fears it might be someone’s last Christmas - that someone in the family is ill. Or perhaps she fears she is getting too old to host the whole family and this might be the last time she is able to do it. Whereas you seem to have made it all about the dogs I doubt that it is in her mind. She simply wants what she sees as a traditional Christmas. There is no harm in that. It is of course entirely up to you what you do. But I think you are being unfair suggesting that MIL is being awkward simply because she hasn’t put you at the centre of her Christmas arrangements.

Mommywomb · 17/12/2023 01:36

soemptyinside · 15/12/2023 12:15

I think the phobia is irrelevant, TBH. You have an allergy.

If you didn't have DC, I'd say he should go on his own every other year, but as you do... it makes sense you do your own thing together as a family. YANBU.

no! Phobias are not just irrelevant because you have not encountered them!
my mom is severally phobic to dogs- she had seen a dog devouring someone when she was very young and can’t just get over it even after therapy- so it’s not oh phobia pfff they are irrelevant. They are not a minor thing for a person with them!

SheSaidHummingbird · 17/12/2023 01:39

"I think people just are how they are when it comes to phobias."

No. There is a triggering episode.

Mommywomb · 17/12/2023 01:41

harriethoyle · 16/12/2023 19:25

Ha! I'm 40, child free by choice and very definitely not a mother in law 🙄

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Definitely sounded like one!
😂

Mommywomb · 17/12/2023 01:52

Mrschickenn · 16/12/2023 13:39

I think this sounds like a made up allergy to try and get away with the phobia. I also think having passed this fear onto one of your children, you’re really unfair and need to get help. I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but would always trust a dog not liking a person. You and now your child are seriously missing out on the amazing animals they are

and hello mother in law- please take your head out for once in a while under the rock you’re living to see real human beings!

Chaos86 · 17/12/2023 01:53

You are definitely not being unreasonable! You have a family of your own and don’t want a miserable Xmas day with a swollen face and itchy eyes etc. your husband is his own person, if he doesn’t care to visit that’s on him, I hate how it’s always the woman that’s blamed. Have a lovely Xmas with your family xx

Propertyshmoperty · 17/12/2023 02:11

Crumblecakes · 15/12/2023 11:42

I think maybe you can take some anti-allergy tablets and go? 10 years is a long time to not see his family on Christmas, I’m sure they will keep the dogs at bay if you ask. Would you not want to see your family on Xmas day for 10 years?
If not your husband can pop over for and hour or 2

I love dogs and have grown up with dogs but I have developed an allergy so bad that sometimes even with anti-histimines my chest and throat closes up, especially around the breed I was brought up with and my family still own.

Its not that easy.

I do still try with antihistimines with well ventilated rooms that have been hoovered ahead of time of dander and the dogs aren't play fighting, but if I'm in a small room, where the dogs are allowed on furniture and jumping around I am totally fucked and will need a day to recover if my chest closes up (which is pretty frightening to be honest) I also don't have a phobia of dogs but if I was expected to have dinner in a room of spiders for xmas I would pretty much fuck that off, allergy or not.

Ukrainebaby23 · 17/12/2023 05:19

I think you should work on your phobias but confronting them at Christmas will not be helpful.
Having allergies to animals, presume cats also? is one issue, is it a hay-fever type or life threatening reaction type,?
Having phobias plus allergies which are probably intrinsically linked needs professional help for the sake of your DC and yourself, bit it won't be a quick fix.

Christmas should be on neutral pet free territory until you've made some progress, but I think both sides need a bit of compromise and they can't expect you to just fit in.

Alwaystryingtoohard · 17/12/2023 05:53

Trying to get my head around the range of viewpoints on this thread…

OP- allergic, phobic of dogs. Cannot go to MIL house. Will host MIL at their house. Expected to make herself & child exposed to likely allergic reaction, and therefore illness and fear (irrational or not, it doesn’t matter, it’s a real fear they have). on Christmas Day, to suit other members of family.

MIL- wants to see DS & DGC (& possibly DIL) has dogs, doesn’t want to or can’t kennel them over Christmas and wants Christmas at home with other family members around too. Could leave them for a couple
of hours to visit OP. Will not do this. Fair enough. Some suggestions of it being someone’s last christmas playing about. Yes it may be, and that is awful if it is the case, but this is unavoidable and MIL could compromise
slightly and attend OP’s for a couple of hours if so. Doesn’t want to? Fair enough!

DH- wants to be at home with family. Wants a drink. Is allowed to feel like this and enjoy
Christmas as he wants. Could pop over to MIL alone for a couple of hours on Christmas Day, but wants to be with DW & children. Could pop over Boxing Day - probably would if he wanted to!

Regardless of illness, phobias…

OP & DH & children are entitled to have a family
christmas at home as they wish to spend it. Want to spend Christmas together & illness-free.

MIL & rest of family are entitled to have a family
Christmas at MIL’s house as they wish to spend it. Want to spend Christmas together & with their dogs.

Nothing wrong with either side here. It’s one day. Celebrate christmas across the Christmas period with them just not at their house. Grown adults are free to make their own decisions, other people are free to feel how they do about it.

OP has offered a compromise so that her and DC are not potentially quite ill and in fear, MIL doesn’t want to. Fine on both sides!

And as an aside… I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with someone who dismissed my allergies / phobias (again, very real problems to individuals, regardless of how other people view the severity / reality of them) and happily had me sat in their house knowing I was suffering to give them a merry Christmas.

Littlegoth · 17/12/2023 07:58

CantFindMyMarbles · 16/12/2023 20:48

Take some antihistamine’s and you’ll be fine. The amount of people that walk around with animal dander on the en in immense including people you are friends with, work with etc.

Exactly what I’m talking about. Loads and loads of posts on here about why this won’t work, but people still have a blinkered determination to ignore how dangerous allergies are.

phoenixrosehere · 17/12/2023 08:00

Ukrainebaby23 · 17/12/2023 05:19

I think you should work on your phobias but confronting them at Christmas will not be helpful.
Having allergies to animals, presume cats also? is one issue, is it a hay-fever type or life threatening reaction type,?
Having phobias plus allergies which are probably intrinsically linked needs professional help for the sake of your DC and yourself, bit it won't be a quick fix.

Christmas should be on neutral pet free territory until you've made some progress, but I think both sides need a bit of compromise and they can't expect you to just fit in.

OP has answered these questions in later posts and one of her DC is also allergic to dogs.

OP, you’re doing a disservice to yourself calling your aversion to dogs a phobia. A phobia is an irrational fear, you avoiding dogs because they make you ill is not irrational! Anyone knowingly submitting themselves to something that makes them ill would be seen as ridiculous.

I wouldn’t want to be around people who thinks anyone should knowingly harm themselves to please others who can’t consider them or compromise.

For ten years you have declined. If the requests for your DH to join the family have intensified this year there is likely to be a reason for it. I would suspect that she fears it might be someone’s last Christmas - that someone in the family is ill. Or perhaps she fears she is getting too old to host the whole family and this might be the last time she is able to do it. Whereas you seem to have made it all about the dogs I doubt that it is in her mind. She simply wants what she sees as a traditional Christmas.

The MIL has mentioned OP’s allergies and If that is the case that MIL thinks that it is someone’s last Christmas, she should tell her son that upfront, instead of bombarding him with messages about him choosing to stay home on Christmas Day with his wife and children. He can go over on Boxing Day if he wants to.

The DH is making the choice not to go. He’s a grown adult and can decide for himself where he spends Christmas Day. If his mother can’t respect that, that’s her problem. OP is irrelevant in this situation because she is not stopping him from going nor can make him go if he doesn’t want to. He is making that choice but his family seems to rather blame OP knowing she has had this allergy for years and that one of their children does too.

Littlegoth · 17/12/2023 08:01

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Real allergies - I would cry with laughter over this. We have real allergies in this house too- to nuts and to dogs.

There’s no hierarchy over whose allergy is likely to make them dead faster. You should know better. There are no mild allergies, just mild reactions. Until the reactions aren’t mild. You are either lying about the family allergies or you haven’t been listening at clinic.

changeme4this · 17/12/2023 08:12

Is there any chance what your OH says to you is opposite/in contrast to what he is telling his family?

thus they have stepped up the invite to you?