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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

586 replies

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:37

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

OP posts:
WimbyAce · 16/12/2023 17:08

I don't mind dogs but I do find them a bit of a nuisance round the children jumping about and there is this expectation that you find them cute. My brother brings his and it's a bit of a pain tbh. At least with cats they just stay out the way.

MaturingCheeseball · 16/12/2023 17:12

There seem to be an inordinately large number of dog haters on MN. It’s a shame the OP can’t go, but there you are. There does not seem to be any compromise to be had here.

I have told the dcs they can choose any partner they want, but I shall forbid -Victorian style - their marrying anyone who objects to dogs!

We invited dh’s friend + new girlfriend (50) to Eurovision party a few years ago. First of all friend asked if dog would be there as gf did not like animals. I said dog would be confined to utility room. Then he asked if dcs would be present as his gf did not like children…. We could not agree to dcs going to kennels so they declined to come 😁

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 16/12/2023 17:12

Tereseta
Well this thread has highlighted some of the selfish dog owner behaviour. Why can't people understand that we don't all want to be around your "fur baby".

For a few months I had the amazing good fortune to look after my son's delightful dog when he was posted abroad for longer than he expected. She was the nicest, best trained and most obedient dog I have ever had charge of; also extraordinarily clean, which in a long-haired collie-type is rare. One of the pleasures about taking her for a walk was that if at any time one wanted her to lie down for any reason, the command "name, lie down!" brought her flat to the ground until she was told "release", "off you go" or "come in" by name. This meant that if I was out with her and anyone seemed nervous, I could at least partly allay their fears very easily. She worked out for herself after a very short time that if a small child came into view I was going to tell her to lie down, so she would do it without my even having to say anything.

She was the only dog I have ever had or known whom I would have trusted in the presence of a nervous child, though. I like dogs, but I am not a blithering idiot and I can understand that other people may not do so and may have good reasons not to. Whilst she was staying here, I didn't expect anyone allergic to dogs to want to visit me, and I certainly would not have put pressure on anyone who didn't want to.

Just because I like Marmite, it doesn't mean that everyone else has to, nor that anyone who doesn't ought to "cure" themselves of their to-my-mind irrational dislike....

backinthestoneage · 16/12/2023 17:12

Don't go. Your DH simply has to tell Mil that he needs to be at home with his children on Christmas Day and he can see them on Boxing Day he has his own traditions to make.

Surely Mil etc must have gotten use to your allergy/phobia by now? Esp since this has being going on since 2013.

Strictlymad · 16/12/2023 17:21

I think people are giving you a bad time over your phobia op, o think it’s only natural to be scared of something that you are allergic to. My dd has a milk allergy and she is scared of consuming milk because it makes her severely ill, is that irrational’ nope!

godmum56 · 16/12/2023 17:54

I am an ex dog owner (too old now) and dog lover and you are not being unreasonable at all. When my late DH and I married back in the 70's we decided that we would have our own christmas traditions that suited us....yes it was not easy the first year but we never deviated and the family got used to it. Its not too late for you to do the same!

Anon39 · 16/12/2023 17:59

You’re definitely not unreasonable my son has animal allergies and has been hospitalised twice from it. As you know it’s not a simple case of taking pills the discomfort of not being able to see or breathe properly gets worse with each minute. You and your child are your husbands family now and if your health is suffering he should make accommodations to see his family but not at your health’s expense.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 16/12/2023 18:22

harriethoyle · 15/12/2023 11:53

You need to get some help with your phobia, particularly seeing you appear to have passed it on to one of your DC.

Hello mother in law ...

Popcornready · 16/12/2023 18:22

Advise them your making your own tradition and unfortunately that doesn’t include being at their home for 3 days.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 16/12/2023 18:39

No is a complete sentence, you don't need to give any explanation or excuses to MIL. If you just don't want to do something then you don't have to do it and that's fine. Ignore her whether she sends 2 messages a day or 10, you're not going end of. Stick to your decision.

Jojofjo44 · 16/12/2023 18:42

I feel for you OP. As usual the dog lovers pile on with the attitude. It sounds very unpleasant for you and I'm glad that your husband sides with you at least. Your PIL are being unfair and prioritising animals over people which to me is a complete no no and very rude. If I had dogs/cats and someone in the family had any issues with them then I'd make concessions in order to make them feel welcome, keep them in the garden, or shed or spare room for a few hours. It may not be ideal for the dog but very fair to guests.

TheCountIsPale · 16/12/2023 18:51

I find dogs extremely unpleasant to be around. The hair, smell and noise is disgusting to me. I would refuse to go, especially given your issues. I have lost touch with friends over this and have no qualms. I’m happy I never have to spend time with (almost always badly behaved) dogs thank god my remaining friends are sensible enough to not have one.

Mummysaf · 16/12/2023 18:52

You don’t have to explain your phobia or allergy OP
people are ridiculous to suggest you should.
As is your MIL for not respecting how you feel

browneyes77 · 16/12/2023 18:52

SmileyClare · 16/12/2023 10:03

I’m assuming this is more of a phobia than an allergy if you grew up with dogs and your family had dogs? I mean it’s not the life threatening severe allergy/ anaphylactic shock
some posters are alluding to?

Was there one event that triggered your phobia (being bitten?) do you think?

My mom grew up with a dog. We also had a cat when I was younger.

Then later in life she became allergic to animal fur.

Like Hayfever, allergies can just appear at any point in life.

Mummysaf · 16/12/2023 18:53

And I absolutely love dogs
however I’m getting a tiny bit sick of all the entitled dog owners everywhere
no one HAS to like dogs

Lelu2021 · 16/12/2023 18:53

I have a dog and severe (cat) allergies. I completely understand where you're coming from about allergies! YANBU but you should definitely seek treatment for your phobia and your husband can spend a few hours on Xmas eve or boxing day with his family with your DC

DitheringBlidiot · 16/12/2023 18:58

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:52

We did offer to host but nobody will come here as they want to bring their dogs. Dh has been there in Boxing Day some years for a few hours I just can’t do it !

I wouldn't put my dogs in a kennel over Christmas so I do understand where they are coming from with that.

But it's not fair of them to turn down your offer of hosting for their own reasons but not accept your reasons.

I can't imagine anything worse than spending 3 days in someone else's house over Christmas but obviously not the point here.

munner · 16/12/2023 19:00

Tell them to F off

Emotionalsupportviper · 16/12/2023 19:13

Boomboom22 · 16/12/2023 14:21

Literally everything about dogs is nasty. They bark and sound horrifying. They slobber. Their breathing is loud and sensory offending. They stink at all times. They have dead soulless eyes that look at you like they want to eat you. They lick people. Their paws are like knives and disgusting.
There is no rational way of getting over a phobia of something so rank. Plus it is right to be scared, they can and do kill and bite all the time. Many owners seem to have no understanding of them at all and no control.

Bollox! You don't like dogs, and that's fine, but don't make up rubbish about them.

There is no easy way to get over a phobia - true. A phobia is, by its very nature, irrational. That's what makes it a phobia rather than a healthy fear.

Turquoise123 · 16/12/2023 19:19

If you have not gone for almost ten years then stick with it and don’t go. That’s your tradition. Nice of you to offer to host for Boxing Day it’s a shame they don’t accept but that is their choice.

Roxy69 · 16/12/2023 19:23

Build your own family traditions and make it very clear that it's not up for discussion. As a former dog owner, I would do the same, if the dog isn't welcome for whatever reason; I would not want to spend time without it. We all just have to get on with the life we want.

Tigger1895 · 16/12/2023 19:24

The tradition for the last 10 years has been that you don’t attend. So technically, that’s your tradition.

harriethoyle · 16/12/2023 19:25

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 16/12/2023 18:22

Hello mother in law ...

Show quote history

Ha! I'm 40, child free by choice and very definitely not a mother in law 🙄

Mamasperspective · 16/12/2023 19:35

He needs to respond to her and say, "Mother, my full intention is to spend Christmas with my family. My wife and children are my immediate family and will always take priority over extended family and that also applies for all holidays going forward. We have extended an invite for you to come to us minus the dogs on Boxing Day so if that is not good enough for you then you won't see us but you need to manage your expectations as my decision on this will not change"

phoenixrosehere · 16/12/2023 19:40

Is it really a phobia if being around dogs makes someone sick and they avoid them because of it, which is a sensible response?