To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

[Onesidedagain]

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

Blimey, this thread has got so polarised.

People, be nice to each other.

I'm a dog person and understand that other people have issues, so I try to mitigate them.

My sil demanded I lock my dogs up, they are here 24/7, she comes once every 2 years. I tried to find a compromise, she's done a flounce.

So sometimes circles cannot be squared. That's life.

Op, stay at home, much safer for you.

Mil, if on thead and there's some really batshit people here, stop hassling OP!

And those that are saying all dog people are thoughtless, nope, that's not true. I care very much.

There is nothing wrong with spending Christmas at home with your husband and children, whatever the reason.

I've been really thinking about the question in your last paragraph as it's such a pervasive thing, isn't it?

The best answer I've come up with is that they just can't deal with their cognitive dissonance and need to construct an alternative narrative to be able to cope. That is, they can't quit bring themselves to believe that their lifestyle choice to have a pet (compounded by the love and joy they feel for their pet) has a very negative effect on some other people. So they have to convince themselves that the other people are in the wrong/being difficult/exaggerating/lying.

Because they find the alternative - that the pet who brings them so much joy creates utter misery for others through no fault of its own - too hard to face up to.

(I love dogs, by the way. Grew up rurally surrounded by animals. Don't have pets now as I don't think urban life is great for dogs, particularly the kind of dogs I like, and our lifestyle hasn't always been ideal for pet ownership. But I also understand that not everyone likes dogs, and they make some people ill. It's not rocket science.)

Why ate people so absurd about OP’s phobia? From a psychological standpoint the phobia is a real thing and probably grew out of the severe allergy and sensory response OP had. If you vomited after coming in contact with something you would develop a phobia of it. That is quite rational—not irrational—the phobia serves as a warning to avoid something that the body recognizes as dangerous. Its not for random mumsnetters to lecture OP about how she “needs” to get over it.

The inlays are entitled to get a pet, but they knew you'd be allergic and then wonder why you decline Christmas invitations ffs they don't sound very bright

OP, I’m a big dog lover but am surprised (well, actually, maybe I’m not because this is MN after all…) by the people giving you grief for not getting therapy to tackle your phobia when, a, that’s entirely your decision and, b, not the point of your post. How does your DH feel about being put under so much pressure by his family? It seems to me that, phobia aside, your allergy alone is bad enough to justify your decision not to go to your MILs. And it makes sense for that your DH would want to spend the day with his wife & kids…. If your in laws want to see you all that much, presumably they’d have accepted your invitation to come to you! Do you have any idea why they’re being so insistent this year in particular?

I get this. I'm allergic to cats and dogs. When members of the public come in to see me in work, I can tell straight away if they have pets at home. My throat scratches and I start to sneeze.
When I visit a home with pets I start to wheeze. I've never even been diagnosed with full blown asthma, but I keep a prescribed inhaler in case I'm inadvertently in the same room as a dog or cat. Antihistamines help slightly but end up just making me feel like I'm
Hungover.

It's really miserable, so I tend to avoid. I don't have a phobia as such, but if I'm in the same room as a dog and can't escape easily, I do start to get really anxious and anticipate the worst even before the symptoms start.

Surely DH just replies "Thanks for the invite, we've decided to do Xmas at home this year. Looking forward to seeing you [date]" and leave it at that. Don't get dragged into the drama. There is no need to explain about the dogs etc. you're at home with the DC... end of.

I expect MiL and family have kind of constructed an idea that OP is being 'difficult'
and exaggerating and 'needs to get over ' it.

just like some posters on here.

Yes, all very well if Christmas arrangements were made in July!

And of course, having to "manage" weeping and swelling up, as well as feeling sick, on what is supposed to be a happy family day out, is common sense.

(Not in any world I have ever lived in it isn't.)

I don't have an epipen; nevertheless, exposure to the things I am allergic to induces hives and projectile vomiting. I really should learn to manage these – possibly by practising so that I can be absolutely certain that my vomit will hit, squarely in the face, the person responsible for maliciously feeding me something I have told them I am allergic to. Rather than some innocent bystander.

If you're allergic to something how can you have therapy to also get over a phobia over the "thing" that you're allergic to?

Not as if you can handle nuts and get close to them if you are allergic to get over a phobia, same with an animal, you'd need to be in the vicinity of the animal to get therapy for the phobia and if you are allergic that is going to cause an allergic reaction.

Surely any decent therapist isbn't going to do this as it would be unsafe

Are people so thick they don't understand people can and do die of asthma in the UK, that you can go from fine to not fine and quickly? Do they not get that people with asthma are supposed to do everything they can to avoid their asthma triggers

Let alone having a phobia and sensory issue that make the OP vomit

Well no. They’ve known about this problem for ten years. Are you really suggesting that MIL couldn’t get her act together earlier in the year to get arrangements in place to allow the family Christmas she wants. She says it’s important to her but she won’t do anything to facilitate it even though OP has offered to host. Sounds like a power play to me.

You’re being logical. You should know that’s not allowed on MN !!

What a strange thing to say. Op has described her allergy many times in the thread. It’s perfectly all right for people not to like dogs- just because you think they’re amazing doesn’t mean everyone will! I grew up with dogs and realised as an adult I never really liked them, so now I avoid them if possible. They smell, jump up and absolutely cover my neighbourhood in piss and shit. I do love cats, but I’d never say I didn’t trust someone who didn’t like them- what a weird attitude!

Even without the dog issues I don't understand why people can't have Christmas in their own homes, without all the travelling about. You can see family any time of the year, it doesn't have to be crammed into one day.

Why should the OP manage her allergy symptoms....why should she have therapy...the MIL knows the issues and refuses to address them or compromise, it is not up to the OP to change. I have a severe intolerance to yeast which unfortunately includes wine....should I drink to make other people happy and then ruin the whole day by feeling very unwell just because it won't kill me....no. so why should the OP .

There are seriously not enough eyerolls for the I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs comment.

Im sure the OP doesn't give a shiny dog turd whether you trust her or not. And where are you in this story anyway declaring who you do or don't trust - like that matter.

bonkers.

Well this thread has highlighted some of the selfish dog owner behaviour. Why can't people understand that we don't all want to be around your "fur baby". It astounds me that they can't put your human family first for once to visit boxing day and have a bit of understanding that you don't want to be round their dogs and physically can't be. Stick to your guns and enjoy your dog free Christmas!

Fear of dogs is not irrational. Dogs are dangerous and vile. The best "help" dog owners can offer is to keep their animals away from the rest of us.

You really don't need to explain to anyone why you don't want to go.
Mil knows your reasons, that's enough.
Even without allergies & phobias I would prefer not to spend my Xmas in a house with dogs, not really a fan of them, can't stand the smell and them sniffing at me etc.

We haven't seen my DH's parents at Christmas for longer than that. They choose to go and stay with their other son (in another area) and we have never been invited. We did used to ask them to ours but after receiving refusals for several years in a row we just gave up. We now have our own traditions.

(My parents are both dead, so we are not favouring one set over the other)

I think you should leave it to DH to explain that it is not only the dog issue that’s the problem but the fact that he doesn’t want to drive anywhere either. He wants to stay at home and have a relaxing drink with his family, and they have all been invited to join you all, but declined for the same reason.