To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

[Onesidedagain]

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

This isn't about dogs. This is a power play by your MiL.

She's trying every which way she can to hang onto her son and he, like many others, isn't telling her she has to let go.

Once you've got married/partnered up/had children - in short, founded your own family, then that family takes priority. Your original family has to take a back seat.

That is not to say, of course, that you ignore or treat your original family badly or whatever but their wishes are not paramount. In laws need to accept this. Clearly many find it next to impossible, as we see here.

Your DH needs to explain a few things to his mum & family and then stick to his guns.

As you have seen many people don't take dog allergies seriously at all. Even if it 'wouldn't kill you' it's really an unpleasant way to spend a day, antihistamines barely take the edge off. (They would help me for an hour max and I don't have asthma). They will probably never change (inlaws or mumsnet!)

And that's their choice. OP's done the right thing and invited them as their home isn't hospitable to people with allergies, which is also a choice they made. They should have the grace not to moan, hassle and manipulate about the consequences of that choice.

Agree. A lot of posters glossing over that. There are different levels of allergy and it sounds as though OP’s is quite severe. Not all allergies respond to medication either, and the meds can cause drowsiness and have other side effects. Not sure why people are advocating that the OP make herself ill on Christmas Day just to please people who clearly put their dogs before everything and everyone else. And why are people lecturing her about passing on her fear to her DC when she’s made it clear that he has the same allergy ? The fear is rooted in the allergy if it’s severe enough. Nothing to do with the OP ‘passing it on’. So much victim blaming going on.

There is ample evidence that long term use of antihistamines is not good for eye health, memory and later in life potential contribution towards dementia.

all this just to please someone who won't compromise. If it was me there'd be no way on earth I'd put myself in that situation when the reasonable alternative is to not be around animals that give the symptoms in the first place.

why isn't a restaurant meal an option, with everyone chipping in with their family contribution. Probably not because the DM wants her own way or the highway.

Personally I think even not liking the smell is enough reason! I am extremely sensitive to smells and sadly cannot stay anywhere with strong smells of dogs. I wish I could! And yes, to some degree you can get used to the smell but by that time I am very nauseous and often have a headache.
I’m fine with dogs outside.
similarly I cannot be around my MIL as she covers herself with perfume which makes me vomit (yes, literally). She doesn’t wear it around me but it is all over her clothes. I am dreading Christmas because she will be there and since she refrains from pumping the ghastly stench all over herself while she is with us I feel that it would be rude to ask her to make sure her clothes and coat etc are smell free. Also, perhaps more importantly, she wouldn’t be able to tell if it was or wasn’t! But I feel like I’m being constantly punched in the face by the smell; it gives me a headache and makes me irrationally angry. I can tell if she is in a room just by standing outside it. She’s a nice lady, lives by herself, makes an effort with us, etc so I’ll just keep my distance, air the rooms discreetly and get on with it.
But for you, OP, with your allergies, phobia as well as dislike of the smell, YANBU at all staying away. Worth having the phobia looked at though, as PP have mentioned.

This. It does sound as though her DH has been supportive, but if as the OP has said, he’s now getting messages hassling him to find a solution, maybe this is his opportunity to do what you suggest, explain the problem in detail and then let them get on with it.

I wouldn't go either OP! They know you have an allergy and a phobia/sensory issues, so they're being totally unfair to either expect you to just suck it up, or for your DH to miss Christmas Day with his wife and children!!!
You've tried to compromise and offered to host, so it's their fault that they're making an issue out of this.
Why haven't they suggested a pub or restaurant in previous years?
Your DH going over on Boxing Day is perfectly ok but not Christmas Day.

I agree.

I see so many grandparents that would never have dreamed of spending their Christmases anywhere other than in their own home with their children when they were raising, but now expect their now grown up children to do otherwise with their own children. The hypocrisy is rampant.

Absolutely and Christmas would be the worse time to need urgent medical care.

To anyone suggesting that the OP's DH has a duty to "find a solution": I would suggest that he already has. His solution is, not to force his wife and one of his children to go to a place where they will be physically ill on a day of the year on which he and they want to be at home, but instead to go there himself without them on a different day of his own choosing.

Good for him; I know which of him and his other immediate family I think is a grown-up.

Honestly what are some people like?

MiL wants this, wants that.....

Soz DiL has a medical condition.

Adapt or suck it up.

They're foot stamping OP. 🤦‍♀️ They're meant to be grown ups no?

She thinks it’s reasonable for her son to leave his wife and kids and spend Xmas with her? She’s batshit.

even if you didn’t have an allergy, you don’t owe it to these people to work on your phobia. And since you do have an allergy and still won’t be able to do their 3 day dog fest at Xmas, why bother working on your phobia.

enjoy your lovely Christmas with your family.

I think it's bizarre as a cat & dog owner who is allergic to them that other people can't understand how horrible the side effects of a severe or even moderate allergy are.

I have plenty friends with allergies and I just accept they can't come to our home 🤷🏽‍♀️ just because I cope. Anyone with asthma should stay well away from their triggers.

@Onesidedagain vomiting and having a reaction from sitting next to someone with a dog at home is a real hardcore allergy. Your phobia is just your bodies natural way of keeping your safe. Treatment to deal with you being scared of something making you sick isn’t going to make the allergy go away.

I can’t imagine any mother demanding her son leaves his kids to spend Christmas Day with her. That is proper batshit.

I think it was a sensory reaction rather than allergic , I was always throwing up as a kid because of smells ! With the allergy I get itchy, need my inhaler , eyes swell up and water etc

I don’t currently own a dog but fostered many of a low allergy breed for years and I have a severe allergy to most dogs/cats/horses etc.

My dogs lived outside (I’m from a hot climate most dogs live outside), I wore separate outdoor clothes so hair & dander weren’t brought into the house. I LOVE dogs but I think I England there is an absolute nuttiness about dogs that is crazy. People treat their dogs like humans and it shows, most dogs I see are badly trained, bad manners, anxious and sometimes anxious and vicious.

I avoid English dog parks (where my allergies aren’t an issue) and homes with dogs because dogs in this country are fucking annoying and I’m allergic not because I’m phobic.

My pil have dogs and I don’t visit their house because I’m allergic and asthmatic and some antihistamines aren’t going to make a dent in my allergy and none at all for my asthma. Also their house STINKS of dogs to which they are completely nose blind too. (They are also blind to their dogs being badly trained nightmares too).

But I digress. As I said up thread, the dog allergy/phobia is a red herring. Op doesn’t need an excuse not to go, she and dp are entitled to spend their Christmas Day at home with their children.

The vote is strongly in OP’s favour I think in comments their are just mils and nutty dog owners making a noise.

*there - autocorrect being an arsehole

I'm mystified by some of the responses on this thread. Forget the fear of dogs, the allergies and the unfortunate reaction to the smell of dogs, the point is that the OP and her dh are adults with dc of their own, they are a family and have for years celebrated Christmas in their own home happily. The MIL/Siblings of dh have now decided that this family unit should either move their Christmas to MILS house or they should split up and have a mother and dc in one place and the Father in another. There is no need for reasons/excuses for not doing this, they simply don't want to and that's all that matters. Tradition was mentioned I think, well just tell MIL that the generation following her have started their tradition, its worked for years and its working this year. Years ago Christmas was a big family dinner in my dp's house, extended family and friends, it was this way for decades, recent years its changed, numbers dropped as people married, had kids, moved, etc. This year it will be myself, dh, ds and df, four people, a long way from 30 years ago but that's life. OP stop interacting with the messages pressuring your family to change plans, encourage your dh to do the same, chose a reply (We are having our traditional Christmas at home same as always, I look forward to seeing you over the holidays, have a great day) and send it back once to anyone who messages, ignore any follow up.

We haven't been to the in laws for christmas since 2008 ish. We'd driven over for the afternoon before 90 min drive) but they wanted the kids to wake up there and spend the whole day there. My father in law made it clear he didn't like the kids having too many presents, he didn't like all the commercial shit and tat (his words) he didn't want to wake up early, when he rolled out of bed at almost 10am my 3 kids were fit to burst but he insisted he wanted a cooked breakfast first so we just told the kids to open their presents without him there. He was miserable and told me off all day for everything imaginable and my husband and I both agreed we'd never ever spend another Christmas with them, and we never have. We have a great relationship though, they're absolutely great in laws, just not on christmas day 😂
You enjoy your Christmas day with your husband and children all together, you have your own traditions now and your in laws will soon get over it. They've spent ten years not having you all there on christmas day, and it's not like you've suddenly stopped for no reason.

Some of these comments are unbelievable! The DH's family is choosing their dogs over accommodating the Op for one day. Why should the Op put up with feeling ill or taking medication or being without her DH just because their dogs are so b**y special. Pretty shitty behaviour I'd say.

Just keep giving her the same answers, and the sibs too.
What's wrong with them that they cant make allowances for someones discomfort over some sodding dogs.
Give them all one final answer and then ignore all calls txtx etc.
DH going round on Boxing Day should be acceptable

I think this sounds like a made up allergy to try and get away with the phobia. I also think having passed this fear onto one of your children, you’re really unfair and need to get help. I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but would always trust a dog not liking a person. You and now your child are seriously missing out on the amazing animals they are

@Emotionalsupportviper

To address your suggestions, paid pet care over Christmas is very expensive - and it gets booked up very quickly

It is but again that is part and parcel of the cost of having pets and should be planned for when buying or adopting an animal. There are far too many owners who having acquired the kitten or puppy do not factor in the costs, responsibility or the impact other people. I think this is much worse than it used to be and the anthropomorphism toaward pets that we see regularly on threads here (including this one) is disrespectful and cruel to the animals who deserve to be loved and respected as animals.

There is plenty of room for compromise here

Oh I absolutely agree but its the MiL who doesn't want compromise.

We have PiLs who knowing they have a DiL and a GDC with severe allergies and phobias not only buy and centre a dog but invite other dogs over for Christmas day. Then they have the sulks when their DS won't prioritise them over his own DC to be there for "his" Xmas. But that isn't his Xmas its the iL's Xmas.
They also refuse offers to visit the DS/DiL and refuse a visit to them on Boxing Day.

They might just as well put a neon sign outside the house saying "sod off DiL we just want darling boy".

Good on the DH here for not accepting it but the bullshit here lately toward anyone who struggles with dogs (or cats) is ridiculous. See the post made at 13:39 for a good example of this.

I don't trust people like you. What sort of decent human thinks like this? Dogs kill people, they look like Satan's invention.
So so horrible.